Trying to make sense of something that happened
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04-07-2023 9:08pm#1
I don’t usually do this, however, I don’t feel comfortable talking to my friends/family about what happened.
Me And my ex are no longer together, however, something happened in our relationship prior to it ending that is still playing on my mind and confusing me.
A week prior to what happened, me and my ex were arguing, and he started crying. This shocked me, as I had never seen much emotion from him, let alone see him cry. I comforted him and he said, “I’m scared you’re going to leave me”. I said, “I’m not going to leave you” and he said “Good”. He then instantly stopped crying and was all cheerful.
I do admit my behaviour can be unreasonable at times due to trust issues.
Fast forward a week later, my ex shows up at my flat unexpectedly. He worked nights and was due to work that night. He said he was pulling a sickie. This also shocked me as he has never done this. He even used to go to work ill.
Half an hour later I went to get in the shower as had been working that day and was sweaty. As I was in the shower, he walked in the door naked and gets in the shower with me. I told him to please get out. He knows I don’t like this due to previous trauma and has always respected this in the past. He ignores me and starts touching me. After about a minute he gets out and closes the bathroom door. I then continued showering.
When I came out, he smirks at me, gets up and takes my towel off and gently pulls me to the bedroom. We then had consensual sex.
After we stayed in bed and chatted and cuddled for about an hour. He then gets on top of me and starts tickling me hard. He also knows I don’t like this due to trauma and is aware of this. I was wriggling and trying to push him off me and telling him to stop. This happened for roughly 10 minutes, with me telling him no and trying to get him off me. He then stops tickling me and very roughly opens my legs and pushes himself inside me. I said we’ve just had sex what are you doing, and said no. He just said “No” in a sarcastic voice and then starts tickling me again whilst still inside me. I said no again and get off me. He then said, “No to the tickling or sex”. I said the tickling (not sex).
He then puts his hand around my throat and pins my wrist down really hard with his other hand and says, “I love you ok”. He then starts having sex with me and I kept crying out as he was being really rough and it hurt, but didn’t say no.
After he gets off me and said, “You didn’t want that did you” I told him no I didn’t. He then said, “I could tell”. He then said “You know why I tickle you because I’m the man and I can.
The next day my wrist really hurt, and I told him, and he just said aww and kissed it.
This incident with my ex made me feel really strange and confused. Prior to this he showed no aggression toward me, both in and outside the bedroom. He is the quiet introverted type, and everyone really likes him. It’s like it came out of nowhere. We were together for a couple of years and didn’t live together, and after this incident we broke up about 3 months later due to trust issues on my part.
I am still struggling to wrap my head around it all and would really value anybody’s thoughts and opinions.
Thanks.
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Comments
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Join Date:Posts: 2498
I'm really really sorry that you had this experience. You were assaulted by a partner you thought you could trust. That is extremely upsetting. You did nothing wrong and he violated your boundaries. No wonder you feel upset and confused. I would consider contacting the rape crisis center and having a chat with one of their therapists, or another therapist who can understand sexual assault and trauma. It will help you unravel your feelings and come to terms with things. Good luck and mind yourself.
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OP first and foremost my heart goes out to you. That was a sexual assault and nobody should have to go through that.
It sounds to me as if your ex had been watching porn and wanted to reenact something he'd seen. If it was as out of character for him it really seems like the instigator.
I'm surprised you stayed as long as three months with him afterwards tbh. He didn't deserve that after what he did to you.
As the last poster said, please talk to someone. Trauma like that doesn't just disappear. It sounds like you are already dealing with some issues so please don't let this fester and get the support you need. Mind yourself.
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You were the victim of a sexual assualt and you're struggling to label it/define it, maybe because he was your boyfriend at the time. You were crying and he continued to hurt you in a number of ways. I am so sorry you had to go through this, given that he knew you had trauma previously. It's a blessing you are no longer together.
As others have said, you need to have a chat with someone who can help you with these feelings, and the Rape Crisis Centre is probably a very good place to start. If finances can stretch to seeing a counsellor directly too, I would find one who deals with sexual trauma. Be kind to yourself.
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OP im so sorry this happened. he sexually assaulted you and knew it. As other posters have said try make contact with the Rape Crisis center and perhaps a counselor if finances allow but this really is something you need to address especially as you have past trauma.
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Post removed and warning applied for non constructive 'advice'
Post edited by Hannibal_Smith on1 -
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I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
He raped you. The confusion is incredibly common. We are so used to seeing how rape is depicted on TV and in movies which shows the aftermath of the victim scrubbing herself clean and not functioning for weeks/months etc, but the reality for many is confusion, and pushing down the feelings and even a feeling of guilt if you wonder whether it was an assault or rape because that's an insult to 'real victims', even guilt for thinking bad of the person who did it.
He hurt you in the worst way and he knew what he was doing.
Would you feel comfortable phoning the rape crisis centre?
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I don't think this was to do with porn at all. He knew about her past trauma but went into the shower knowing it would trigger her. He ignored her when she told him to get out and started to touch her.
Porn doesn't make good men act out of character and turn them into rapists who forget about their partners trauma.
Read the OP again about what happened from the tickling onwards, porn doesn't make a decent man think that that's sexy and a hot idea, it was all about control and dominance and not about sex. He assaulted and raped her.
The fact that you're surprised she stayed in the relationship for 3 months afterwards is ignorance and very insensitive. Many, many women who suffer sexual violence in a relationship will be so stunned, shocked and confused that they just don't digest what has happened for a long time, and the brain will shut down any questions about it rather than process it properly. It is incredibly common that women won't leave straight away, and some won't ever.
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I understand why you are labeling it as rape and agree that marital rape is real and often forgotten about in media and only violent attack rape depicted. But I think you are overlooking the fact that OP consented to sex, and I'm not referring to the first time. That really blurs the situation.
He then stops tickling me and very roughly opens my legs and pushes himself inside me. I said we’ve just had sex what are you doing, and said no. He just said “No” in a sarcastic voice and then starts tickling me again whilst still inside me. I said no again and get off me. He then said, “No to the tickling or sex”. I said the tickling (not sex).
He then puts his hand around my throat and pins my wrist down really hard with his other hand and says, “I love you ok”. He then starts having sex with me and I kept crying out as he was being really rough and it hurt, but didn’t say no.
The part in bold is absolutely critical. OP said no, Partner clarified if that was no to sex or tickling. OP said the tickling not the sex. Tickling stopped. The fact they clarified what they were saying no to and the answer implied consent to sex, would likely mean that continuing to have sex was not rape at that point. OP was obvious uncomfortably with the way they had sex. If they wanted to to stop, it would have been better to say so. (To avoid anyone making silly arguments, I'm not implying that you have to verbalise no for something to be rape or assault. I'm highlighting it in this case as sex had been consented to. Withdrawing consent is not the same as not giving it).
@OP, sorry this happened to you, Partner was obviously interested in trying something very different and went about it horribly. He should have spoke to you and discussed it and confirmed clear consent (or the lack of). This approach seems particular poor for you. For the reasons above I don't think this was an assault, but I'm really on basing this on a few short sentences. You will understand the incident, the sequence of events and motivations much more clearly. There could be other factors not mentioned.
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Read the part before the bit you bolded again. He was already raping her before she 'consented'...and 'consent' in that situation, would most likely be due to the freeze response, it was not freely given so it wasn't consent.
I am horrified that you are saying this wasn't assault or rape and that he was 'obviously' interested in trying something very different and just went about it horribly.
The man held her down tickling her, which no one likes, but the OP has past trauma from, imagine how horrific that was, he was obviously in full control of her, and then pushed himself inside her. She said "we’ve just had sex what are you doing, and said no". He then mocked her, started tickling her again and asked did she mean the tickling or the sex. I'm not surprised she said 'tickling' because she had no reason to think he would stop the sex as he had already breached her boundaries during the shower incident and by pinning her down to tickle her. Better to just let him have 'sex' with her than to be tickled too. Like the way many other women often don't put up a fight with when there's a man raping them because it will just make it worse for themselves.
She also said she kept crying out during because he was so rough and it hurt.
He even told her that he knew he didn't want it. He knew she wasn't consenting.
If they wanted to to stop, it would have been better to say so
She asked him to please get out of the shower, he ignored her and started touching her.
She told him to stop tickling her repeatedly, saying no and trying to push him off her
She said "we’ve just had sex what are you doing, and said no". when he pushed himself inside her.
He then decided to torture her by tickling her again but "if she wanted to stop, it would have been better to say so?" 😲 He wouldn't have stopped. That much is clear. She had been saying No. She didn't say no for that final part because most likely she thought saying 'no to tickling' was the safest option for herself. She still cried out in pain though. He knew what he was doing.
I'm genuinely horrified, would you say the same if your friend/mother/daughter/sister/niece told you that story? "If you wanted him to stop, it would have been better to say so" . Sure the poor man thought he had consent!
Post edited by marilynrr on4 -
It's obviously possible that consent given can be coerced, and thus not truly consent. If OP said the details that she froze, focused on the worst element, felt pressured etc. It would be extremely relevant. But those words are not there. It's no been months later, and in her own words she consented. Perhaps OP was report and what she said, literally, not what she meant/felt. With clarity I would gladly change my view.
She said "we’ve just had sex what are you doing, and said no". He then mocked her, started tickling her again and asked did she mean the tickling or the sex. I'm not surprised she said 'tickling' because she had no reason to think he would stop the sex as he had already breached her boundaries during the shower incident and by pinning her down to tickle her. Better to just let him have 'sex' with her than to be tickled too.
It's possibly for people to think that. But I'd rather not projected thoughts onto the OP that they have no stated. If they said anything remotely like that I would agree 100%.
I agree most people don't like being tickled, but it's usually done without malicious intent. However on a re-read of the OP. A ten minute struggle is overstepping playing imo.
She also said she kept crying out during because he was so rough and it hurt.
He even told her that he knew he didn't want it. He knew she wasn't consenting.
Being rough or hurting has no bearing on whether something is rape. Just like being gentle and "nice" has no bearing on whether something is not rape. I'm sure you understand that. However I will say that the the bolded line was news to me. I genuinely missed that originally. That changes everything, as it states both OPs wishes and partners knowledge of her wishes. If he knew she didn't want to proceed, and confirmed by OP, and proceeded anyway. Well that's obviously rape.
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It's obviously possible that consent given can be coerced, and thus not truly consent. If OP said the details that she froze, focused on the worst element, felt pressured etc. It would be extremely relevant. But those words are not there. It's no been months later, and in her own words she consented. Perhaps OP was report and what she said, literally, not what she meant/felt. With clarity I would gladly change my view.
It was obvious that consent was coerced in this instance. Sometimes people don't know the words to explain fight/flight/freeze/fawn or whatever way they reacted but considering the sensitivity of the thread topic perhaps be more careful.. It means nothing if it's "now been months later, and in her own words she consented". It's very common for women to say "I didn't say no", "I let him"...etc.
Women blame themselves for stuff like this all the time, and feel bad for the man. I guarantee that the rape crisis centre hear comments like that from women multiple times a day. I guarantee they have women every day who phone and say "I don't know if this was rape because I did/didn't do or say x" Your comment is pure ignorance. Why fixate on her saying she 'consented' instead of the whole entire scenario described which she clearly didn't want and wasn't consenting to?
It's possibly for people to think that. But I'd rather not projected thoughts onto the OP that they have no stated. If they said anything remotely like that I would agree 100%.
But you are projecting thoughts and motivations all over the rest of your responses.
I agree most people don't like being tickled, but it's usually done without malicious intent. However on a re-read of the OP. A ten minute struggle is overstepping playing imo
'Usually' done without malicious intent. Yet for this man he already breached a boundary that day that was triggering to the OP due to previous trauma and he knew that. The tickling was the second incident of doing something he knew could trigger previous trauma. That can't be anything other than malicious. Even a 5 second struggle is overstepping, any tickling at all is overstepping when he knows she has trauma over it.
Being rough or hurting has no bearing on whether something is rape. Just like being gentle and "nice" has no bearing on whether something is not rape. I'm sure you understand that.
Of course I understand. You're taking a comment in isolation, when I wrote that comment as further proof that the man knew that she did not want it and that she wasn't enjoying it. That certainly wasn't the only proof that it was rape....and even if she hadn't cried out in pain it was still rape.
However I will say that the the bolded line was news to me. I genuinely missed that originally. That changes everything, as it states both OPs wishes and partners knowledge of her wishes. If he knew she didn't want to proceed, and confirmed by OP, and proceeded anyway. Well that's obviously rape.
So seeing that information, He said “You didn’t want that did you” I told him no I didn’t. He then said, “I could tell” you still proceeded to write a whole response to defend what you said on a highly sensitive topic and only add the line at the end 🙄
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Join Date:Posts: 6817
@marilynrr and @Mellor leave the back and forth discussion there. You're actually talking around the OP as opposed to advising them.
HS
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Any man who continues to have sex with his partner while she is clearly not into it and crying, is a man you walk away from. You bin him and move on.
Decent men will enjoy you enjoying it. They like you and respect you. They'll do the things that turn you on, and NOT do things they know you don't like, for whatever reason. They will stop if there is any indication that you aren't into it and check with you. There are millions of men who won't keep hammering away getting their own jollies while ignoring your distress or discomfort.
Also swerve any man who goes into great detail to split hairs as to consent or twist themselves into knots to explain why consent needs to be Special Specific Words at Special Times. They pretend it's so haaard for them to spot this mysterious consent conundrum and it's not fooling anyone. At best, they are announcing that they are a disrespectful, crap, selfish lover and at worst, they are a bog standard rapist. Either way any man on that particular spectrum is one to dump if you have the misfortune to meet one, they aren't interested in your pleasure therefore not worth your time.
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After he gets off me and said, “You didn’t want that did you” I told him no I didn’t. He then said, “I could tell”. He then said “You know why I tickle you because I’m the man and I can.
That's the bit that jumps out to me OP. He did this to try and demonstrate dominance and exert power over you. Quite likely following some nonsense posted online by Andrew Tate or the like...
Whether it could be proven as rape in court or not, I think what you're describing is fairly obvious sexual abuse and you're far better off without that scumbag in your life.
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