Character references

dleedlee

Hi I’m going through a messy divorce - worked full time for years … managed the home did the school PTM alone ( stbx did 1 PTM ever ) did the homework / st c had own business , sometimes worked from home , travelled one week a month … had 2/3 holidays extra alone a year - all “spontaneous” or helping a friend … he plays tennis with kids / cycles with them

does occ work in the house ie empty dishwasher ..

over last 10 years - gradually became obvious he’s ticking boxes / putting in time - does leisure things alone / with others … but sets up things to look like we will do something together but then allows something else to trump it - I was really played …

he had several times indicated a plan to do more alone and a wish to separate - he even suggested specifics of settlement.. when I agreed - he totally changed and said he loved me etc ..

I eventually applied for divorce … he told people this is out of the blue despite him turning down counselling and mediation …

he says business is bad now - no money and is naming me as breadwinner … wants half my salary says he was househusband …

I know he has no scruples about lying and had a feeling he has ducks lined up financially if he wanted to leave I suspect this is part of his plan - to frustrate me enough that I divorce him - and he avoids blame … he has said he won’t settle unless I give him what he wants .. I e a feeling he would like a judge to liquidate everything so he has cash and is free to walk …

Ive accepted he is also playing mind games and is willing to rewrite history - we are in the same house . He wants me to relocate and get a new job ? But also have half my salary )

I’ve a v sensible and good solicitor .

my husband has told me he had got legal advice how to play this game and plannned to represent himself but had hired different Legsl team after he was served protective summons

i have a feeling he is gathering statements from “ friends “ about what a good community person he is . He has started doing voluntary work . I think he has been into to the schools to get references …

my question is does any of this count and should I get into schools to get a statement confirming the level of my involvement? It’s humiliating/ but I want to have enough to do nice things with the children .

has anyone had similar experiences .. know which barristers / good -

thanks

twinkletoes23

Hi

I have gone through similar and have come out the other side . You really need an excellent legal team . Their strategy and plan will make all the difference

How do you know your ex is gathering character references ? I think if mediation is off the table . It was for me.

My ex was extremely difficult , wouldn’t disclose assets, solicitors letters ignored . Delay after delay . Emotional abuse ( we had to share the same house during separation) . All of these are tactics to wear you down and get you to settle on his terms . My ex was crafty and started hiding money , had secret bank accounts that I’m ashamed to say I knew nothing about . My legal team recommended a forensic accountant.

Not everyone needs one but I did . When the asset disclosure report came in . I was floored . Loans taken out without my knowledge etc .

I am unclear as to who initiated separation ? It sounds like it was him , then he got you to verbally agree a settlement . Why did you agree ? What did you agree ?

The character reference is really smoke and mirrors. Is your legal team any good . They really should be advising you on this .

It’s also really important to have a good support network - family , friends . It takes a toll emotionally having to co-parent and living together during a messy divorce . What kept me sane was staying a night or two in a hotel when it was his turn to look after the kids