Repeated encounters with “guys with depression”

tchaikovski

Throwaway account for obvious reasons. I more recently seem to end up being some sort of a counsellor for guys I have got involved with to some degree over years since pandemic arose. All have in common the fact they suffer from depression. 

First one turned out to be a severe alcoholic, approached me through a general chat forum which I won’t specify, ended up borrowing a ton of money giving cash flow excuses and a big tissue of lies. I was extremely naive. Still awaiting over €3k repayment. Looking back, the way it went,  “you seem to be a very kind person, you live alone not far from me, I’m a lovely person myself, I want to help you, please tell other women in the forum how harmless I am”, but of course i paraphrase, it was so very much more subtle than that.  Serious d1ckhead he turned out to be, heard from his friends he “let down” others badly. 

On Tinder etc I met a genuine guy who really does suffer from depression, I won’t go further than to say we are good friends, he’s very genuine. He doesn’t take much more than tea & milk. We are good mates, share a laugh. 

Recently on the app I met another guy who turns out to suffer from major depression. This is not a criticism in any way, but it seems to me I’m some sort of magnet for people with serious depressive inclinations, and it’s difficult & stressful handling it. I myself have my own issues, finding it difficult to cope and not let down latest person. Got totally pi$$ed off with the recurrent lies of the first one, more or less (not quite though) ended up telling him he could do what he likes. Second guy is zero burden, we are friendly with no weight upon each others’ shoulders. Third one seems genuine etc but getting a little weighted down without feeling the benefits. How do I progress without causing more grief? I know I deserve better. 

Kindly, do not suggest I’m a simpleton, idiot or any kind of fool; I simply start by broadly trusting, I don’t remain a fool.

TheadoreT

I think your last line could be a clue to your recurrent problems. I thinks it's better to start with a healthy skepticism and then build trust based on how the other person is turning up. Otherwise you're going to get leaches of all manners taking advantage of your instant trusting nature.

Healthy people will keep these early meetings light and fun, if you're seeing overt oversharing or heaviness don't feel guilty to just nip it in the bud early.

Write a list of the things you'd ideally want in a friend or relationship and try to seek out those qualities in a person. And put yourself before others until you're certain the other person is worthy of your trust.

And perhaps start socialising in places that may have a higher proportion of people with better mental health. It's an ongoing daily effort to keep your mind in good shape so go places where people are making that effort regularly, things like yoga or hiking groups.

tchaikovski

You are right there Theadore. I have noticed a proportion of people on apps are looking for counsellors or “mother substitutes”. I’ll back off this one for sure. Yes it does seem you have to have a certain low-trust default.

Confused11811

The only obligation you have is to yourself, so always put yourself first. In such early stages of something isn't working for you just walk away.

Any new relationship should always be fun , people should be at their best when you first meet them via apps. If they have health issues that they haven't got to grips with or other negative issues they should sort them out before attempting to get into a relationship.

Just don't get involved with such people. My advice is try to meet people in the real world as soon as possible, don't build an image in your head of what a person is like before you meet them. If a person becomes a burden just walk away.

It also might be worth considering leaving the apps for a while and try meet people via normal social activities. Join a few clubs etc. I know that's easier said than done.

bucketybuck

Not saying you're a fool, but how do you think other women react to somebody telling them any variant of:

I’m a lovely person myself, I want to help you, please tell other women in the forum how harmless I am

They would see that one coming a mile away but you didn't, so you have to ask what personality trait you have that made you respond to it in the first place? Its less about how these guys act when they are in the door, its how they got in the door in the first place.

There are many people who respond to perceived vulnerability with sympathy and a desire to help, and then don't want to break contact in case it causes further vulnerability. Its a sort of Florence Nightengale effect, but the problem is that there are plenty out there who take advantage of such people, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

Many people dating are far more ruthless about pushing past the needy and the takers. They see a red flag and immediately move on without a second glance. I suspect you struggle to do that, you engage with them instead and when they have their hooks in it becomes even harder to step back and see the bigger picture.

Its quite revealing that you struggle with "not letting down the latest person". Why? What do you owe these people? Are you their nurse?

Early dates are meant to be fun and relaxing, they are not a place for sob stories or unloading all the guys troubles so if you see that happening then think of yourself and move on elsewhere.

YellowLead

You are probably naturally empathetic which means you likely give them more airtime than others. If you keep saying yes to these guys you are closing yourself off from a relationship with somebody who is more emotionally stable.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120741250#Comment_120741250

My opinions on this wouldnt be too popular but I think you've literally explained the problem many guys have these days. It's a good thing that we're living in a world where men feel less inhibited to be more open about mental health but it's working massively against them when it comes to dating, which ironically has a much worse effect on their mental health being constantly rejected or friend zoned for reasons you explained.

You're not going to feel safe around someone who's projecting such a negative self image. Your primitive instincts want strength and protection.

Vulnerability can be sexy but it needs to be framed in a way that shows you may be momentarily struggling but still got your **** together overall, or you find some silver lining in struggles.

Tork

I'll go for an even less popular approach. If I found out that a potential date had problems such as alcoholism, drug addiction or depression, I'd bail on the spot. Even though we all accumulate baggage as we get older, it doesn't mean bringing a person with problems into your life. You need to have a think about what your red line is. Obviously, I've just outlined mine. What's yours?

Hey OP. This really hit me when I read it and wanted to try and relate or offer something I’ve learned from my experience. I learned the hard way. Got into a relationship with someone who I met from the dating apps who turned out to be a compulsive liar and manipulator hiding a lot about himself including a previous problem with drugs, drink and depression/mental health disorder. Turned out he only told me what he wanted me to know and as I discovered, there was so much I didn’t know. I won’t get into details here because it is a lesson for me but I met him through an app. Seemed to lovebomb me at the start but I naively thought he was “into” me. However, during the initial dates, i wasn’t convinced but considering other experiences, I thought “he’s nice I should give him a chance” - BIG MISTAKE.

Don’t ever fall for that. Scarcity mindset got me into a relationship where I was constantly lied to and manipulated. It wrecked my confidence and self belief / worth. I didn’t have a sense of self towards the end from trying to please him or make him love me or treat me properly. Luckily, family and friends helped me find the courage to end it.

My point is - call it as you say it when dating. Your first impression is correct. Cut them off. When you sense something or feel something is off or not convincing - listen to your gut- don’t ignore it. Some people out there are pretending to be something they are not on these dating apps. Whether it’s people with unmanaged mental health, drug/drink addiction (very common in my experience) or covering up their true sexual orientation and looking for a cover. And that’s the cheaters aside. It’s easy or seems so when they match with someone who is not local or from their own town as opposed to someone who is and would have an idea of how they actually are or be able to ask friends of friends. Be careful and yes, do your research. Theres nothing wrong with an individual starting again or having depression or recovering from an addiction and being honest about it and wanting to be better but there is something wrong with not dealing with it, using someone and lying and taking advantage of the other party in order to distract themselves from their own issues and dragging them into their dramas or even taking it out on them.

OP, there are genuine people out there. Trust in that. I’ve met some lovely fellas through the apps but maybe we wouldn’t be a match for other reasons but they are out there.

And don’t ever enact the “ah I’ll give him a chance” mantra - it never works. Call it as you see it.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120741325#Comment_120741325

This OP.

Be ok with putting yourself first. You don’t owe anyone anything. And don’t date potential. Deal with what’s sitting across from you.

Airyfairy12

Allot of people have depression first of all but the types of people youre attracting seem to lack boundaries and unload on you, they only do this because you dont have boundaries either and you allow them to unload all their emotional baggage onto you. If one person in a interaction has no boundaries, the other person is going to quickly feel that and refuse to engage or will withhold strong boundaries to keep themselves safe. In an interaction were both people have no boundaries, its a recipe for a disaster, things will get toxic very quickly as theres no one aware of whats happening with each other, theres no self awareness and it makes you the type of person thats easy to take advantage of.

You cant control or take responsibility for other people or their behaviour, you can only take responsibility for yourself. Id suggest doing a bit of self development and learn what your boundaries are and how to put them in place. When you do this you wont attract those people anymore because you'll shut down interactions with them the second you catch wind that theyre not good for you to be around.

Victor

A lot of people do suffer from depression, whether clinical or merely incident-related.

My GP has mentioned that people's mental health has suffered a lot over the last 3 years.

Strumms

You loaned someone who you met on the internet 3 grand ?

you loaned someone who you’d just encountered from the internet 3 grand !?

look ive been burned before all be it for absolute chump change compared to that !

don’t get involved romantically with anyone who is rungs below you on the disposable income front… that’s the best advice. You’ll want to go for lunch, dinner, trips, cultural stuff and ultimately if you set the precedent by always putting your hand in your pocket to either loan, gift or continually pay for stuff… that precedent is tough to shake.

set boundaries, say no occasionally….

And don’t become a human ATM for anyone.

chicorytip

How do you define the term "depression" (in the psychiatric sense) anyway ? What does it mean ? Some may suffer from what they call clinical depression and take prescribed medication for. Others may simply have low mood and are just pissed off with their life circumstances. We all feel like that on occasions so could be thus described as depressive. That's simply what depression is, in my view, a low mood. People feeling low or down often engage in risky behaviour such as the sort you describe as having engaged in yourself - giving large sums of money to complete strangers you have encountered on the internet. All that can be said about that is please be more cautious and take care of yourself in future.

tchaikovski

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120741344#Comment_120741344

Aha, I’m paraphrasing there, was rather more subtle than that, but in retrospect amounted to that. Have not for some time been logged in by this throwaway account.

sniperman

i thank god im not depressed,dont drink or smoke,i was on a few sites,but all the women i talked to just seemed to be really interested in my status and income

tchaikovski

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120787180#Comment_120787180

Self-described by 2 of the guys who had at least for some time been diagnosed and medicated for it. One an alcoholic with more complex problems (borrowed a few €k, still waiting for half of it back). The second guy is a genuine type and I’m friendly on a casual basis, he’s attending his doctor regularly and gets meds adjusted. He certainly has never leaned on me.

A third lad I connected with on Tinder more recently, now he has turned out to be trouble. A guy with a nice appearance, and good manners, seemed fine initially. Looks like I was targeted from the outset for money, I barely know him at all, only yesterday he requested a loan as “I’m going through a hard time”. He had alluded to being depressed, but I think this has to do with a drug debt, his own maybe, but I think it might be a family member.

I have expressed my more unusual interests & travel experiences, so I’m guessing this is interpreted as “wealthy woman, maybe seen by a few guys as a solution to their problems.

Depression can be a primary condition, as with the second guy; but it can also result secondarily from complicated life circumstances and addiction.

I think I’ll have to rewrite my profile to seem more mundane! 😒

sniperman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120817376#Comment_120817376

people will take advantage of good nature.lots of scum out there,the ones i talked to after finding out i was not rich,soon ended the conversations,so i dont bother going on sites anymore,ill just live my life,if im meant to meet someone,if it happens it happens,if not, well i wont get depressed over it,just a word of advice,anyone Evan giving a hint about money,avoid

bucketybuck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120817376#Comment_120817376

And what have you said to the latest guy now that he has asked for money?

tchaikovski

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120817848#Comment_120817848

”No”. He’s duly blocked & deleted. Up on Tinder again looking out for another sucker. Reported him under the “looking for money” category.

The lad who owes a few grand says he has not a cent to his name this minute, yet he’s no problem finding money for expensive gadgets, hotels etc. Owes others too, I heard. On a similar level with Tubridy regarding self-awareness. Almost comical if it didn’t book my p1$$.

Since when was looking for money on dating apps a thing? Is this common in Ireland ? I saw tinder swindler but I didn’t realise this was also happening here?

It’s funny- if you owed money and didn’t have a cent to your name, last thing someone in that circumstance is gonna do is join a dating app.

Just want to reiterate again - nothing wrong with having depression or previous addictions but there is something wrong with lying and taking advantage of peoples good nature.

Packrat

I think some people attract people with depression.

I certainly do.

Maybe they are attracted to people who are extremely mentally resilient or strong, I'm not sure, but I'm a magnet and it's draining.

Trust me, it's a blight on your life you don't need or want in a long term relationship or marriage.

Also, - it tends to be hidden or minimised early on.

The borrowing money stuff I wouldn't entertain for a split second. I'd give anyone the shirt off my back, but I have a nose for being conned/used and no tolerance whatsoever.

Ask better questions early on I think...