Issues with a friend

spacegamingnerd

Hello! Im a female in her 30s and I’ve been having an issue within myself with my feelings towards a friend for a while now. If you take the time to read the book I’m about to post and offer any sound advice it will be greatly appreciated! 

So I’ve recently just come to terms with the face that I’m not straight. I think I’d identify as bisexual as I do find men attractive as well but due to childhood trauma would never be intimate with one. And up until earlier this year I had only really ever admired any female in that way from very afar, no one in my personal life. At one point a few years ago friends actually asked if I was asexual. So I still have no officially came out to anyone although I think make suspect it sue comments that are made. 

So I met my friend at work (I know that’s usually a no no in itself) about 2 years ago. We would talk and got along fine when we would be placed together but were never anything close. I ended up going to a convention with her last October and had a great time and it was the first time we had really ever hung out especially outside of work. So we got a bit closer and talked more about personal things, had little jokes and the like. 

This past February I went with her and few other friends on a weeklong vacation. It was during this time things changed. We found out we actually had A LOT in common and she became the first person I could really be myself around and nerd out a bit if you will. I still only saw her as a close friend at this point, and it got to the point where I was hanging out with her every weekend and spending the night at one another’s houses and such. 

Some of my older friends seemed to get a little jealous at my new friendship and had a bit of an intervention with me bc they didn’t like that I had changed. And also felt like she was gay. Which to one friend who is a huge homophobic person this was a big no. I cut ties with said friends and chose my new friend over them essentially. I didn’t care what her sexuality was and felt like I had changed but only for the better. 

Keep in mind that this friend has always claimed to be straight, has an ex that is male and is always talking about men she finds attractive . 

A few months after the trip in February we went out and she got a little bit more tipsy than usual. When we got home this led to her just initiating some mild cuddling which I was fine with bc I had developed a bit of a crush. 

I turned to Reddit for advice (another bad idea I know) and essentially came to terms with the fact that I wasn’t straight. However I also came to accept that she was straight bc other than the cuddling and some little sexual jokes back and forth between us she showed no other interest. 

NOW this past weekend, after I had accepted it fully as only a friendship bc I’d rather have that with her than nothing it happens again. We went out, she got drunk. A bit more than last time. When I finally get her home and in bed she insists on cuddling again. Fine nothing wrong with that. She keeps telling me she loves me and how she has to take care of me and how she can be herself around me. I figure that was just more of the alcohol talking. Then starts to kiss me. Nothing super passionate just little forehead kisses. But she also starts to rub my back under my shirt and asks me to kiss her which I didn’t. She was drunk. I’m not going to take advantage of a situation like that ever. 

The next day I woke up more confused as ever bc it’s like all the feelings I had finally suppressed had come racing back full force. She claims she doesn’t remember anything and keeps asking me what happened. Like we spent the day together yesterday and it was a constant topic. I’ve told her everything with a play by play except the more intimate things. 

I’m just confused as to where to go from here. We’re not from a place where you can just be opening gay. And I feel like her family would be the type to completely shun her if she were. I’m afraid to tell her anything bc I don’t wanna make our relationship weird.