Enjoy my job but unhappy in every other regard
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29-05-2023 9:56pm#1
I was in the best form ever up until recently and that's coincided with a couple of things.
One thing of note is I came of my antidepressant after 6 months - on my doctors advice. I felt fine, feel fine now, wasn't on a high dose either, so I don't know if that's causing any of this, I'm off them over close to 3 weeks now and don't notice anything, but thought I should mention it. I was in much the same mood just prior to coming off them.
I moved out recently (to the midlands), which I thought I wanted but there's nothing here for me. Housemates are nice but not much craic. I didn't enjoy living at home well into my mid 20s, but it turns out there's still nothing for me here, and now I'm starting to think there's nothing for me in Ireland.
It's not even that expensive but I feel like I'm left with nothing at the end of it all.
Part of why I moved out is dating related, I thought it might be easier to meet somebody, but it just hasn't been. I'm not butt ugly but I'm still having zero luck on the dating scene here - can't imagine that's entirely location dependent.
I like my job, I've got that going for me. The work is interesting(ish), my boss is sound and the company seems decent. I'm only in it 6 months though, and the salary isn't too bad.
I recently seen my bosses salary as she was showing me something unrelated. She's in the industry close to 10 years and she's on less than my friends who are Software Developers with less than 2 years experience in the same part of the country. That's disheartening, I've constantly had it in my head to make the move to Software but I've always struggled to get stuck into it.. Now I'm just thinking what's the point? I could work hard for what? 10 years for a reasonable salary, which I could get after 2 years and those guys aren't even job hoping - that's what they've been given to stay put.
Part of me wants to just p*ss off abroad, flee to Canada or Australia. I have until November to use my graduate visa to America, after that the options gone, and I'm really tempted to use it whilst I still have the chance.
If it wasn't for the job I'd be gone. But at the same time it's just rattling around inside my head to give Software Engineering another go.
But I feel the job is tying me to this country and this locality.
My dating life is non-existent. I'm big into music and there's nothing happening in that regard. I'm earning significantly less than my friends and if that's not bad enough - so is my boss.
So what's the point of staying for this job?
I struggled my way through college - hated it, all of it, dropped out on more than one occasion, graduated a few years later than planned but I got my degree.. I got my degree to do what? Sit in the midlands on mediocre money with no social life, no dating life, nowhere to pursue my hobbies?
I bought an Xbox to curb the boredom and that's done frigg all..
It's starting to feel like I won't get to enjoy life, I haven't yet - that's set the precedent. I know I keep comparing myself to others but comparing myself to my past self doesn't tell me much - I put on weight, came on and off antidepressants and got a mediocre degree.
I'd feel awful about leaving, and I'm afraid it'll look like yet another stain on an already dodgy work history.. But I'm not happy and I feel like that should come first.
Big part of me wants to p*ss off to Nashville or Atlanta, play music, work whatever job they give me, meet people and be out there, out of here..
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My strong advice is go with your gut, p1$$ off to Nashville, enjoy the music you love, get to see another side of the world, meet a different set of people. What if it doesn’t all work out, well nothing really does in life, you will have gained an interesting chapter in your life, you will be a more rounded and interesting person, and when / if you return you will have a somewhat changed outlook, and will know a bit better what you really want for the next stage of your life. 🙂
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Honestly the temptation is real.
I was toying with the idea of spending a month working remotely but I decided that was a bit futile.. Largely because it would eat into what little cash I have to put towards the America move.
Even just the thought of leaving work is making me a little sick.. I spent so long disliking everything, every job, ever college course and now that I've found something I like I'm thinking of leaving.. Beyond that, work has invested so much time into training me, I'm literally being trained to (eventually) takeover from my boss. So the thought of handing in my notice and proverbially kicking my boss square in the teeth, that really doesn't appeal to me.
But the draw is far too tempting..
To be around the music, the cars, that whole world. To meet new people, to be something other than the fella from up the road.
I'm somewhat apprehensive with regards work.. I'm leaning towards sales simply because I feel the Irish charm might help, and it's the quickest way to make a few bob, lowest barriers to entry and it's relevant to my degree. But who's to say I'd enjoy it. I could be leaving a great job for a steaming pile of...
Post edited by Boards.ie: Paul on1 -
Take 3 weeks holidays and see for yourself.
No sense packing it all in at home, then finding out you don't like it.
Years ago a local lad went to Oz. Had a big going away do, family giving him money. He stayed 2 weeks out there and came home 😂
I loved living abroad, fantastic experiences, but you're still living, still working a 9-5, same struggles.
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A longish holiday would indeed be a good idea, maybe get involved in voluntary work supporting a charity to see how the feel of working there might be.
https://www.volunteermatch.org/search/orgs.jsp?aff=&r=20.0&l=Nashville,%20TN,%20USA&publicOrgSearch=1 -
Join Date:Posts: 6817
Ifeelabreeze, I think you would benefit from speaking to a counsellor or some one along those lines. All your threads have a common theme of you not being happy with choices you made and comparing yourself to others. Before you look at going abroad or making any other life changing decisions I would suggest you strongly think about speaking to someone so you can learn how to be happy with your choices and stop basing your happiness on how well you're doing (or not) compared to everyone else.
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Couldn't swing the 3 weeks idea with work, but could go for a shorter duration.
The biggest constraint there though is money, if I got enough together to go for for 2/3 weeks, I wouldn't be able to afford the actual visa to spend a year there!
I've known plenty of have hit the road only to scurry back home. I hope I'm not one of them, but I also don't think I would be, I've never been a homebird, never had any close ties to the area or those in it, I think I'd transplant nicely.
Thats what my mothers rhetoric has been - 'sure it's a change of scene but you could just be going to a job you don't like'.. Which is a fair point but then why does anyone immigrate? Why bother sure if you've got a grand job, what more could you want!?
I feel like I need the change, I didn't struggle through college to get that ticket for opportunity only to then squander it sitting in the midlands. I've got my degree, I'll never lose it, and that was my parents argument for me staying in college; you can go anywhere, do anything so long as you have a degree under your belt.
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Thanks Hannibal.
The thing is I've spoken to numerous counsellors on numerous occasions, and I've mentioned that on here before. The things is I've never found them helpful - well intentioned and eager to help yes, but never actually helpful.
I get the same cathartic release from posting online, and I've even got better responses.
I can stop and smell the flowers, I still go for runs, hit the gym, play guitar, get on well at work. My life isn't in total disarray. I don't feel I'm depressed (as compared to how I was 6 months ago), but sometimes you're just in the wrong place.
My love life is non-existent. I feel that is partly down to the fact that I'm in the middle of nowhere with a limited number of potential partners, but not solely down to that.
I feel I can't really pursue my hobbies/interests here - I drive an hour to go to an open mic night, so I can get home at midnight to be up and on the road for 8am the following morning just to get out there playing music. That happens once a week because that's the only time it's on.
Ultimately I feel like I'm just not in the right place, I can see why young people are leaving this country in droves, and many of them don't even like their jobs.. If I didn't like my job I wouldn't be posting this - I'd be gone.
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"Sit in the midlands on mediocre money with no social life, no dating life, nowhere to pursue my hobbies?"
But didn't you choose to move there, didn't you choose that job, and accept that salary? All your choices presumably based on
"I feel I can't really pursue my hobbies/interests here - I drive an hour to go to an open mic night, so I can get home at midnight to be up and on the road for 8am the following morning just to get out there playing music. That happens once a week because that's the only time it's on."
Bullsh1t! I've just finished Brian Johnson's autobiography (singer of ACDC). Having succeeded and then failed as a singer, he set up his own business. Then he got back into the singing and had his full time business and was gigging 4/5 nights a week, sometime twice a night to get up for work the next day.
And you complain that Ireland, a country where music is on in pubs most nights a week, is holding you back.
WHAT'S HOLDING YOU BACK?
From what I've read about successful and unsuccessful musicians, is that nothing will stop them from making music/playing/getting out there and trying to make it happen..... meanwhile you're complaining about the 1 night where you get to bed late.
" The things is I've never found them helpful - well intentioned and eager to help yes, but never actually helpful."
I've no idea what type of counselling you've been to but to get nothing out of it might show a great lack of awareness about yourself.
You compare other people's salaries which is fair enough. When I started working I worked for free to get into the industry I wanted to work in. My first salary was 50 quid a week.... for 40 hours.... in the mid 90s. I moved jobs for 100 quid a week. So did my Co workers.
Those who continued in the industry are all on 100 to 150k now.
But, if its a big salary you're after then stick at it and move up the ladder, become a director and earn more. If you were on 20k more a year now, would that make everything better for you?
If it's music you want to do then do it but I think that if this was the career for you, or if you were any good then you'd be doing it.
The way I see it is that you're unhappy with your lot and you don't see a way out of it but instead of trying to fix this issue from within with the help of a therapist, and face up to some truths, you blame the outside world. You look for things to validate your beliefs.
Using your job as an excuse not to go is ridiculous.... because you could find a similar job there! And you'd be just as unhappiest but with a tan.
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I think you lack a plan. So many options you end up doing nothing. You want to go to Canada, or Australia, or Nashville, or Atlanta, or stay in your job, or get a new job, or go back to college, or play music, or move to Dublin, or get a girlfriend.
You need to set a goal.
Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Where do you want to be in 1 year?
Write it down on paper.
When you have the goal you need to have a plan.
Write the plan on paper.
That will kill off some of your options and give you some direction.
Right now it sounds like you've so many thoughts in your head that you're stuck.
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Honesty without compassion is just cruelty.
But that's not to say you're wrong.
I chose all of this, it's entirely my own doing, but it largely stemmed from where I was originally making the decision from.
The job is better paying than my previous role. I chose to move here in hopes of getting out and meeting people, but there's so little happening.
I'm just bitching about my friends earning significantly more than I am, there's some who I earn more than, I'm well aware of that too, but it's the upward outliers that keep me up at night, not those who I'm doing better than.
Ah but Mr BJ wasn't in the midlands!
In all seriousness, I've given up on any notion of a music career, going to Nashville just sounds enjoyable. I've tried to find others interested in music - the same music I'm into and they're nowhere to be seen. If I wanted to start some Techno DJ collective I'd be overwhelmed with applicants, but no one my age seems to want to start a band. There are a few live gigs, not many, and out of those there's not a great deal my age doing it, my friends dad(s) do it... That's because those guys, like Brian Johnson grew up in an era where making music with your friends was a thing, joining a band was far more common than it is today. Dire Straits were on the Radio, Clapton was God - My fathers from the same era and that's what he remembers.. People don't want to be rockstars anymore, they want to be DJs. That's not a slight at them, and it's absolutely a generalisation but it's been my experience throughout school, college and now the working work.
I don't think my own self awareness is in any way lacking, if anything I'm acutely self aware, even to my own detriment.
I've seen free college counsellors, in 2 different colleges, numerous times.. Both were well intentioned but the advice boiled down to 'maybe you just need better study habits', 'well sure finish out your degree anyway', 'maybe exercise... oh you are, maybe do more of that then'
The only bit of insight that genuinely took me back was a psychiatrist telling me 'you're smart but you're also your own worst enemy, so when you get into a negative spiral, you really spiral because you can talk yourself into and out of whatever you want, so you need to nip that in the bud as soon as you recognise you're starting on that path' - Not what I expected from a psychiatrist, which is also possibly why it caught me off guard.
My director has been with the company 10 plus years and with a little nepotism (and a lot of undeniable ability) has made it to director, I don't fancy sitting around here for the possible of getting his job.
I also don't appreciate you questioning my musical ability, that seems a little outside of the remit of advice.
Honestly, a tan would go a long way on my bald head...
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That's the thing, I'm just spitballing.
By way of a plan, rough draft for me would be this.
Move home, save enough to go to Nashville by November (start of grad visa), spend a year working there and just enjoying the music scene. Then look at Canada, get on a working holiday visa, I could even follow that up with a 2nd one as a dual passport holder if I fancied. Between all of that I hope to find jobs I like and girls that like me - I'd settle for one of each.
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Now that's a plan.
So you've got some research ahead of you.
What's involved in the visa process?
What's the job scene?
What's the rental scene?
When's the best time to go?
Regarding the rest of the posts, I don't think you're any worse off than many people in their 20s, and don't beat yourself up for not having achieved everything you want by now.
People in general compare themselves to the best of their friends. "Well, friend 1 has X and friend 2 has Y, so why don't I have X and Y?"
All you should aim for in life is that this year is better than last year, and next year is better than this year. You get that by making a plan and sticking to it.
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"I also don't appreciate you questioning my musical ability, that seems a little outside of the remit of advice"
Why? Your criticsm of living in the midlands about not being able to pursue your interest in music because of your geographic location is wrapped up in your post.
You chose to move somewhere where it would be more difficult.... so it was a poor decision . Like a surfer moving to the midlands and complaining about having to travel to the coast.
I know acts in full time jobs with families who travel hours a night for gigs while holding down full time jobs. You complain about having to drive to open mics. Because they love what they do and because they want stage time.
Most people would choose a city in order to be able to perform more and to be able to socialise more.
So the point is, maybe your decision to go abroad where the grass is greener may also a poor one.
It reads to my like You're running away by heading to the States or Canada to start again instead of tackling your issues head on. You can't keep running away from yourself. And if you're constantly starting again, you'll never progress.
If you go, I hope it works out for you.
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If you're not in the right place, by all means move. If you feel where you live is what the problem is then moving is the answer.
But before you do that maybe explore other options. You like music. Have you tried the boards music forum to see whether there's anything other than the open mic night? There's a band members wanted/available forum too, there might be something near you?
Your Nashville plan sounds great mind you. Why not work towards that?
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I read your post but I haven't read the thread.
If you've no ties, take your shot at living somewhere you want to live.
But be careful; the one thing that will be there when you arrive is you. It seems you've been trying to do all the things you want to do in your current situation, but you need to be honest with yourself because that same person will be with you in Nashville or whatever making all your decisions. I've seen people seek self-improvement by changing job, partner, location but ultimately not realising that self-improvement often means changing yourself.
Good luck.
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You should do it OP. The curiosity will always get you down if you don't. Don't expect moving to a place to solve all your problems though, it's a set up for sadness and leads to complacency. But it will provide many new experiences and add to the tapestry of who you are as a person, if nothing else. Like you, I felt a bit at a loss with life after college, didn't feel secure in friendships, in work, what I wanted, or where I wanted to be. I havn't moved beyond that much, but moving a way did help to guide me and help me figure out other things I wanted,and what made me happier. It's trial and error of life
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I feel OP you are looking and comparing yourself to everyone elses "perfect" lives.
It can happen all of us. We see one person with the nice car, another with the job which allows them travel the world, another with the nice house, another with the babies and partner and then we convince ourselves I need all of them.
People in the midlands didn't all leave to find partners btw. It is possible and you being a blow in might in fact make it easier.
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One of my bigger regrets in life was being too risk averse and one thing tied up in that was to not travel and live abroad (even though I had opportunities). I don't know what age you are but if you have nothing tying you down then I'd say go 100%. Be nice and sound to everyone you meet and be the person you'd like to be. Forget the dating for now, you'll get there with confidence.
As for the job, always suit yourself in life. You live once. And if you feel bad, make sure you train up a newbie to do a decent job if you go.
As for software engineering, isn't there free courses on springboard/ecollege now?? You could sign up and then do it remotely from wherever id say.
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What the hell are you hanging around for?
Book those tickets and get going. :)
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Its very easy for people to type: "just go, you'll regret it" BUT In previous posts the OP has wanted to become an accountant, wanted to start their own business, left a job they hated to become an apprentice which they hated......
I'm not having a go at the OP but considering all of these previous ideas, this 1 makes even less sense.
What do your friends and family say OP?
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