Am I in the wrong in row with friend?

Justasimplestory

Just had the most toxic row with a “ friend “ . To make a long story short my dad passed away couple months ago and found out last week my mother is terminally I’ll no symptoms till recently and will soon die too . It was a big shock .

at the weekend I was meeting some friends I had planned to meet. I have a friend in an on off relationship and it’s now off and she was texting saying he was prob gone to the pub . I sajd I was going there and woukd let her know .

He was there and I told her he was . She was asking me if he was drunk etc and I said no and carried on with the group I was with .

eventually was talking to talking to her o off boyfriend and I said oh I told her your here by the way was talking to her . Then I told her I was talking to him and said I had told her he was there . I was trying to be transparent as they are always on off so didn’t want to be odd with him and then they are back together .

she completely blew up on me me said I shouldn’t have told him that I told her he was in the pub . I sajd sure he knows your know he’s here and I got abuse that I should have sat in my own side of the pub and not gone to the side he was at . I told her I wwjd getting upset with everything going on with my mother and she said if I cared bout my mother I’d be at home .

she said I should nt have spoken to him at all but how could I ignore him . Nothing else was said . She then blocked me and I’m losing my mother after my dad and then got grief over their toxic on off every week relationship. Just wondering am I the problem ?

Mod - Title edited for clarity.

No, you are not the problem, you are fragile atm. Try and take a back seat over that scenario, don’t get any further involved. Just say you are upset over your parents, ask her to understand, step back. There are two emotions competing here, step away as politely as you can.

Honestly, this all sounds very immature.

You made a mistake by passing information back and forth between her and her on again / off again person - but her reaction is way OTT.

My 20 year old self would probably have been upset by her reaction too. My 50 year old self is saying tell her to fcuk off, cop on, and block her until she apologises and grows the hell up.

Sorry about your Dad, and your Mam.

TheadoreT

You shouldn't have told him as it would have been obvious to him she was asking about him then. Assume she's probably trying to make him think she doesn't care and you telling him that shows she clearly does and comes across obsessed. So I can see why she'd be annoyed with you.

Obviously toxic and high emotions so you should have just stayed well clear.

Besides it's so petty in comparison to your family issues I'm not sure why you're even giving it this head space.

Justasimplestory

Ya I didn’t telll him him she asked I just said was talking to her snd told you were here .

I am upset cos she called me a word I asked her I stop repeatedly and told her I was really upset and she didn’t care one bit and said it has nothing to do with your mother and if you cared about your mother you’d be at home 🤷‍♀️

this woman has a pattern of blowing up blocking and then coming back around again all nice till the next blow up and I always forget about and forgive but this time I think I need to let it go for good .

yes I prob shouldn’t have got involved but there was no bad intent or gossip just what I said . She knows the nees I got and that’s all she cared about 🤷‍♀️

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120641147#Comment_120641147

I am upset cos she called me a word I asked her I stop repeatedly and told her I was really upset and she didn’t care one bit and said it has nothing to do with your mother and if you cared about your mother you’d be at home 🤷‍♀️

Saying something like this to someone who is already grieving the loss of one parent is simply disgusting. You don't need people like this in your life. A friend would not say something like that.

Block her and forget about her.

Justasimplestory

Ya kinda sick of the discards and then the popping back up again . She blocked me first When someone is grieving any bit grief like threat of loss of friendship etc is brt upsetting cos it just feels like another loss snd Im grieving my dad and now the anticipatory grief of my mother . It’s all a bit much . It got heated over something so small and it really upset me .

reclose

What age are you and your friend? It sounds really immature.

Block her and move on.

In time you’ll be glad to have that drama out of your life.

it might be hard at the beginning but stick with it.

YellowLead

Best not to get involved in other peoples relationships. If I was her I would be annoyed at you also but I would not react that way. Also, I don’t get why she cares he was in the pub either. There’s a lot of immaturity and people being way to up in each others business here.

It doesn’t sound like the friendship is supportive and you are dealing with enough already, so just leave her be dramatic elsewhere. And in future, keep the head down.

Big Bag of Chips

You talk about the loss of the friendship, but this doesn't sound like a true friendship. This isn't the first time she has done this to you. She has an on-and-off relationship with her boyfriend. But she also has an on-and-off relationship with you. She picks you up and drops you when it suits her. At this point I'd let it be 'off' for good. Let her and her bf carry on however they like, they'll probably be on again by the weekend.

She is a toxic person who thrives on drama and aggression. That's on her. If you continue to accept it and makes excuses for her then that's on you.

I assume she's not your only friend. And right now you need friends who will keep life easy for you, who will be a gentle support. You need friends who don't think they are living in their very own soap opera and everything has to be over the top actions and reactions.

Block her now. When she comes back (you know she will) just ignore. Because if you let her back in then you will be in this exact same position again in another few months. You have a tough few months ahead. You don't need to also be trying to work out how to navigate her.

Lean on those who are good for you.

Lewis_Benson

All sounds a tad immature to me.

Tell her to cop on and wait for her apology, if that doesn't come, she isn't a friend.

Justasimplestory

Ya I see your point I think at some stage I was gonna end getting involved in some I direct way cos there is so much drama but your reaction was completely wrong . She blocked me first I asked her to apologise and she wouldn’t and blocked me . That’s what she does . She does it in her relationship too and then they get back together it’s actually really toxic . I’ve blocked everything cos I know this is her pattern she comes back after a few months but there’s just an excuse and never an apology and it’s all forgotten about

Eircom_Sucks

First off , sorry to hear about your mother

secondly i'd cut her out of my life and i'd forge new friendships with others , she sounds very toxic and self absorbed tbh

sign up to a few classes in hobbie that you like and make new friends etc

all the best going forward

Jafin

If it was me I personally wouldn't have said anything to the on/off boyfriend, but her reaction was also way out of order. It seems like this is a pattern with her though, so honestly if it was me then I'd just have had enough of her bulls**t at this stage and if she comes back would just tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and then cut her off once and for all. It's best practice not to get involved in other peoples' relationships at all.

Justasimplestory

Ya I understand what your saying but unfortunately I think something was gonna give at some stage . I can blame myself for saying anything but she’d blow up over anything . They are on one week off the next shes calling him every name under the son and then next weekend they are back together and he’s out with us so we have to hate him one week and be friends with him

the next so it was always gonna draw me in in some way shape or form . It’s just disappointing thst someone would do that at this time and she was saying she’d an awful week with him it was horrible but I found out my mother was dying. It’s just always abouther and we have to walk on egg shells cos f anything is said she ll blow up and block and you never know what is gonna set it off . They are also taking drugs and I don’t do that explains alot of the drama and there’s no reasoning with some people . Maybe I made s mistake but there was no bad intention .

Kurooi

Tbh if your friend is using you to keep tabs on her ex, I think a reasonable person would assume she does this because she doesn't want seem still interested in him. That does sound like a bit of a brain fart moment. Your family situation seems irrelevant.

But saying something we weren't supposed to is something we all do, and I wouldn't accept someone giving out to me for this. If they were using me and I didn't perform to their expectations, well good, don't use me then clearly I'm crap at being subtle. It's a very stupid, childish school drama situation. Especially when you're concerned about your own family, you don't need to be played in other peoples drama. Let them draw lines on the pub floor of where they are allowed to step, and tag people they aren't allowed to talk to. It's not your problem. You're your own person you can walk, talk and do whatever else you want.

Uncharted2

Firstly I'm so sorry about your Dad, what you must be going through dealing with that and with your Mum. Your friend is very insensitive and totally overreacted over nothing really. I'm guessing she hasn't lost a parent because she'd be more understanding if she had, her behaviour is actually appalling.

iniscealtra

I think the mistake was getting involved in the first place I.e. texted that he was there. She’s annoyed because she’s embarrassed that he knows she’s keeping tabs on him when they are not together. She sounds immature.

Once she cools down and maybe gets back in touch just say sorry I really shouldn’t have got involved but at the time I had a lot going on and forget about it. Then if she asks anything like that again say ‘Look, I’m not getting involved’

It’s not something you should worry about when your parent is ill and you’ve just lost your Dad.

iniscealtra

If there are drugs and drama you’re better off without them in my opinion.

vinniem

Tbh your friend sounds exactly like my ex (probably is her😂) always blowing up blocking etc, extremely juvenile and nasty. You've enough going on in your life at the moment, she is a bad egg.. She is unstable, the issue is with her, get rid is my advice.