Feel like my housemate doesn't like me, want to clear the air

ifeelabreeze

I've recently moved into a house sharing with 2 girls, I'm a guy.

Things are grand with one girl, she works a different schedule and keeps to her self but she's nice.

I'm having some issues with the other girl, at first things were great - we work the same hours, we'd chat whilst the other was cooking, got along really well. Her friend comes over constantly and when we first met she was lovely too, the 3 of us had a good laugh.

As of the past few weeks, things have taken a turn and I'm not entirely sure why... Now I get a 'hello' when I come home, but there's no chat, if I don't talk nothing gets said, if I do talk, I get one word answers, and that just seems out of politeness - because she's still nice, she's as nice as she ever was around others, things have just changed with me.

When I originally moved in she actually said 'I hope you're a talker because I love having the chats when I get home from work!'

Her friend has gone the same way too, so I can only assume I've done something to piss her off and now her friend has turned against me too, naturally enough.

The only reason I can think of is I messaged her on Hinge, it was under the section of favourite quote or some craic, I just said, and I quote: 'hey you're blocking up my hinge, need anything in the shop?' Which in hindsight was stupid but I've spoken to a number of female friends who've all independently agreed it was harmless and probably just a sh*tty joke, but they wouldn't see that as being creepy.

I came home from 5 aside a while back, things had already gone south and I didn't want to be in on top of them, so I stuck my head in the door, said hello and grabbed my foam roller. Then I was up and down stairs, with washing, in and out of presses and trying to make food. About an hour later the friend said to me 'what was all the door slamming about?' - I was so zoned out that I really wasn't sure what she was on about, I just replied with 'oh slamming? ah I didn't think I was slamming any doors', she replied with 'there definitely was slamming' and I just apologised said I was on another planet.

I then went to apologise to the housemate/ask what I did wrong, she seemed genuinely shocked, I mentioned the doors, and she said 'oh no sure that was (friend), nothing to do with me', I just left it at a oh alright, but here look sorry I was not paying attention she just said we were all good.

Things haven't improved since then..

Part of me wants to clear the air, just be straight up, say 'look I feel we're really not getting along.. I've obviously done something, or a few things to annoy you and I'd just like to apologise'

Part of me just wants to move out

Dial Hard

Yeah messaging her on Hinge was a huge mistake and has - understandably - completely changed the whole dynamic for her. What were you thinking, seriously??? She now finds herself living with a guy she thinks fancies her and is trying to navigate that by putting some clear distance between you. Did either of you ever actually address the whole thing or are you just pretending it never happened??? The time to explain it was a "joke" (not sure I'm buying that, tbh) was as soon as you got home/saw her again after you sent it. So I rather think that ship has sailed, tbh. Not really sure how you clear the air on this one at this stage, but seriously, don't message your housemates on dating apps in future.

Xterminator

hi op.

id suggest you just leave well enough alone and give the girl her space. Clearing the air, or doing anything that requires her attention may just be counter productive. I would suggest you leave her alone as much as possible and be civil when you cant. Can you just accept the new normal which doesn't seem too bad objectively. you don't need to be friendly, just civil. live and let live. if you wanted you could give it a couple of months and see how the wind blows.

If your not too in love with the house share & location etc you can start looking around & letting people know your actively seeking. Learn what you can from the situation as it unfolded. Bank that knowledge.

PoisonIvyBelle

Hinge made it weird.

XsApollo

The friend would of been told where to go.

you live there not them, 100% wouldn’t be made feel awkward in my home by someone that doesn’t live there.

i’d Nip the friend issue in the bud pretty quick, as for the house mate well it is what it is.

hoodie6029

She is essentially a stranger you met a few months ago. There is nothing salvageable or repairable here. If I were you, I’d start looking for a new place and apologise to her for your mistake when you’re handing back your key to her.

kippy

Hinge, I assume, is some kind of "dating" app? (I could google)

As others have said the dynamic has changed. Messaging her on this platform would do that whether it is right or wrong that is how she would see it.

I wouldn't be as extreme as to hand back the keys - I'd assume you are both adults and can communicate in person at least initially?

If so I would approach it directly with and apologise to her for creating the wrong impression, messaging her on hinge was not the right thing to do - mea culpa etc etc

If that doesn't go down well or improve the situation then you probably need to decide if the situation is something you can tolerate and as such stay put - of if it isn't then make plans to move.

YellowLead

Yikes the message on hinge was a terrible idea. It’s a dating app so now of course she thinks you fancy her and all the nice chats etc are seen as you coming on to her, so she probably thinks she was leading you on and now has to keep distance. She probably told the friend about it who agreed it was creepy and the friend doesn’t like you so she over exaggerated the banging presses thing, she sounds immature tbh but that’s neither here nor there.

Id say it will blow over in time - just give her some space and make it clear you’re not into her or even bring up the hinge thing and say you didn’t mean it that way

Purple Mountain

Yea just clear the air.

It's hardly worth upping sticks for that misunderstanding.

Don't be too intense or formal but just say, X I feel like I owe you an apology and an explanation because lately it feels like the dynamic between us has changed.

I have a feeling it's since the message I sent you on Twinge. Honestly it was my sense of humour but I think I got it wrong and made you feel uncomfortable and I'm genuinely sorry for that.

We're house mates and were getting on so well so I promise you my message was nothing more than humour and nothing romantic intended.

Can we draw a line under it and move on?

Jafin

As others have said, the Hinge thing was really a bad idea. You should have just swiped her profile away and ignored it. I understand you were coming from a jokey place but I'd bet that's what changed the dynamic. I would advise to just have a quick word with her, not make a big deal out of it and then move on and leave the ball in her court.

TheadoreT

The hinge thing was obviously terribly misjudged. Hard to tell if you were just genuinely joking, or like her, or somewhere in the middle and were trying to put a feeler out. Don't listen to your female friends downplaying its role here, they're coming from a place of not wanting to hurt your feelings or make things awkward with you too if they were honest, so just telling you what you want to hear tbh.

In terms of moving forward, acting very normal, relaxed and confident may eventually salvage the relationship, but don't count on it either way. Don't thread on eggshells. Don't apologise for every little thing that happens - most of all the hinge thing, never bring that up. Don't take a mile if you're given an inch.

People feel comfortable around comfortable people so being uptight and awkward about it all will only make it worse.

Big Bag of Chips

The friend would want to back off. There's every chance she doesn't like you for whatever reason and is in her friend's ear. Hinge made it weird. But nothing that should mean you need to move out.

Keep things civil when you see her. Small talk rather than full on banter. Things will thaw eventually and go back to normal If you don't force it. But I think the friend is the issue here. The housemate obviously told her about the message and she's now taking it on herself to get you to back off. You should not apologise to someone who doesn't live there for going about your business in your own home.

sporina

not sure why you messaged her on hinge.. you crossed a boundary - why did you do that? tbh I would be "wtf?' about that too..

newmember2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120629444#Comment_120629444

It sounded more like just a friendly "hello" from the OP more than anything, when you're swiping away and then see your housemate there, however misjudged they were they now have learned there's no messing with the serious business of dating apps!...lol

Augme

Obviously the hinge thing was stupid, not the biggest deal in the world either. Understandable the housemate has put distance between you as they don't want to give off any mixed signals. There's absolutely no way would I bring it up or try to clear the air though. It just makes you look desperate and that you are someone who can't take the very obvious hint. Also, trying to force the situation back to where it was will probably be seen as another sign that you like her.

Just accept the current situation is how it will be and move on/don't dwell on it. Lots of houseshares were people are pleasant but don't have the chats much so I won't look to move either. Also, stand your ground with her friend and don't let yourself get walked all over or allow a situation to be created where you don't feel comfortable in your home. Next time she passes a snide comment at you don't apologise.

greasepalm

Would it be acceptable for all 3 to sit around the table and just chat to clear the air and then nothing is hidden .

Yes we all do silly things as were human .

JoChervil

OP, I think you fancy this girl and it is why it is a problem. You very likely had a hope that something might be possible between you two. So you made this move on hinge making it as a joke. With her behaviour afterwards, she is saying no to you. She doesn't want this kind of relation with you. So now you want things back as they were at the beginning with all options on the table. But with you action you ruined it. This ship has sailed. So you have to accept that she is only your housemate and act accordingly.

If you can accept it and still enjoy living there, so stay there. After some time things will clear out, if you respect her boundaries and be only a nice housemate. But don't have any conversations about it. It would seem like an effort to get back on track, while she doesn't want it. She doesn't want this option open with you atm.

Neyite

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120651780#Comment_120651780

Yes and no - I'd exclude the friend. She's not a housemate and frankly, is being given far too much consideration in this household.

You sent a jokey message -just on the wrong media. It's not a massive mistake, nobody died. You ask if you can have a chat with your flatmate, without her friend. Maybe a coffee shop if it's really awkward at home.

Apologise for the hinge message, explain that you only meant it as a jokey message to a flatmate and that you are very sorry if it's made her uncomfortable, it wasn't your intention and you were having a brain fart moment-you want her to know that you want to keep it as friendly flatmates. Then ask if there's anything she has an issue with. If she continues to be odd with you after a sincere apology then it's not you, it's her.

bb1234567

I'm surprised by the consensus that the hinge thing was so obviously a bad idea that would immediately cause divide or awkwardness. Maybe I'm just too easy going but I could see humour in it if were here. I mean it's hard to judge without knowing more about what the dynamic was between you both but her reaction comes across as a bit much if that is the only reason. I remember back in college we'd come across each other on tinder or whatever platform and match or send silly jokes and messages to one another, and it was funny because we did it as we knew in person from our usual relationship and interactions that there was nothing romantic there. It never ever caused anything like that...maybe we were just more close and trusted each other more than you and your roomate did however.

TinaTiernan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120651649#Comment_120651649

OP pretends it was a joke but secretly was hoping she was going to give some signals to move on her.

No one really sends "jokes" to a housemate on dating apps.

OP has two options, tell the housemate things have got weird since the hinge thing and that he was actually joking and he's not interested in her romantically.

Or the other option is to get a woman, make sure the housemate sees her and knows you're with someone else.

TinaTiernan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120689696#Comment_120689696

If I had a minger housemate move in, that I was being friendly with and then she messaged me on a dating app...even with a jokey message, I'd feel like she thinks I'm interested.

-----------------------------------------

Warned for Breach of Charter. Please familiarise yourself with the posting guidelines in this forum before posting again.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120689696#Comment_120689696

Housemates you only know because you live with them are very different to your actual mates in college. Also, it sounds like the OP never actually mentioned the whole thing to the housemate so if course it ended up creating a weird dynamic. If he was actually joking (which I don't believe for a second) then he would have gone "Ha ha, gotcha!" as soon as he or she got home again. Instead it sounds like he just pretended it never happened and she was left (understandably, imo) putting two and two together and getting 10.

Look, OP, you've had a number of threads in this forum and I think it's probably fair to say social interaction isn't necessarily your forte. As I said in my initial reply to you here, learn from this.