managing opting out of activities with 8 yr old with ASD

misc2013

HI all. Sorry for long post.

I'm feeling very sad, disappointed and frustrated at the moment about my son opting out of activities. I know that certain things are just hard to understand and he can't really explain himself. Now, these are all activities that he has been interested in doing. He started swimming in 2022 and was going well, His little sister started last Sept so they have both been doing swimming lessons rolling terms since then. no issues.

The we had we had tae kwan do and swimming. Now, he never really loved the tae kwan do so quitting that was alright really. He stuck it for 4 months but for the last 2 months was skipping alternative weeks.

So with Tae kwan do scrapped, we had athletics alongside swimming. He did it effortlessly for most of the year and enjoyed going. I would tell me he liked it and while watching him, he would always be smiling and giving me thumbs up. I was delighted cos he has very poor co ordination and core and there was an OT among the coaching team and I know that it was also helping him, as well as being fun so I really glad he was doing it but unfortunately he started to waiver just before Easter break and skipped 2 out of 4 and then there was the Easter break for the 2 weeks and could nearly predict that he wouldn't go back after Easter. Which he didn't. No clear reason. I tried to negotiate alternate weeks up til summer hols etc but he was having none of it and there was no point in pushing it.

So, all that's left is swimming.

Terms roll into each other. The teachers always change each term. It hadn't been a problem before. In fact for his first ever term, there were 3 different teachers within the term and he was fine. First week of new term and he got upset by the sight of different teacher and bailed pool-side which was a curve ball and we had to abandon lesson. Roll on the following week and he just refused to go from that that morning and later agreed to go back this week. This week all seemed ok. He was happy enough going. I had even forgotten the new teacher issue myself ( now I feel stupid for not trying to sort something out there) and we got the the pool side and it was yet another teacher and he refused to go. I tried to encourage him to go and I had put down a condition from the previous week if he didn't go today so now unfortunately I have to follow that one through and still try to get him back in 2 weeks as we are going to be away next week as well. He will thus have missed 5 lessons in a row. And my daughter will likely try to get out of it too if he doesn't go back.

So what should I do? He told me that he is able to swim now because he can swim across the pool. Of course he can't swim properly- he can just about swim a width holding his breath, that's it. Anything else is with a float. He always loved swimming. He's a real water baby. He also told me that he's very good at swimming cos when we race each other, he always wins. Now I wasn't going to tell him that I let him win! That's a whole other can o' worms!!

He has been talking about doing soccer. Now that won't be back on til Sept. I don't think he'll last as his coordination is very poor and he doesn't really "get" the rules of the game at it's basics but of course I'm happy to let him try it. I've touched on not letting him start anything new unless he keeps up swimming. I want swimming to be non negotiable as it's a life skill. We live near the sea and i really want water/ swimming to be part of our family life and for him to be able to be safe in water - which he does love.

I will ring the pool and see if he has any options . Unfortunately with us being away 2 of the weeks in 9 , he's missed half the term so we only have a few lessons left before summer break.

IN the meantime, how do you keep your little people engaged with activities and how do you negotiate and is anything ever non negotiable? I want him to do stuff and not push him yet I don't want to give in to him every time some thing doesn't go his way. That's not life is it? Unfortunately, it's easier said than done cos today, he had a complete meltdown in the changing rooms when I tired to persuade him and it got too uncomfortable so we just had to leave. But then, we weren't 2 mins out of the place that he was happy as Larry again having got his way. I don't know. I just find it exhausting.

And all the while, we have a 5 yr old highly impressionable lady who is taking everything in.

looksee

I'm not sure I should contribute since I have no experience of ASD, but reading your post my first thought was that he sounds like any other 8 year old. They go through phases of activities, top favourite of today might be bottom of the list tomorrow. He does have the additional problem of issues arising from different teachers, which is probably a separate issue. The other question is, are you trying to get him into too many activities? He is going to school, which is a full time job in itself, maybe he needs chance to draw breath and get bored?

I am entirely sympathetic to you feeling exhausted, I think anyone would be. Maybe give yourself a bit of a break as well, do a few home things rather than organised activities, go to the park, maybe there is a beach nearby or somewhere to walk. I hope I am not out of order here, I am sure there will be parents who can give you advice based on experience, but most of it sounds so familiar without the ASD at all.

misc2013

I didn't start him with any activities until he was 7 for that reason as settling into school was the priority.

I honestly thought 2 activities was enough. But now we're down to one. If he keeps the one thing up.

He wanted to do all the activities so 2 was the max. And he loves the water so it makes sense that he learn to swim to get more enjoyment out of it, be safe and he's been making good progress.

Like I said I understood that he wasn't loving tae kwon do but he has been enjoying the others and swimming was always the favourite so. I'll be disappointed if he quits this.

He's not sporty at all so. I don't think he'll be able for soccer but like I said I'll let him try it. I was wondering if it could be a bargaining tool tho to keep swimming if he wants to try other things.

Also he is very limited in his interests at home bar screens so I would prefer him to engage in at least one organised activity during the week. We do the parks and walks but really that's not as appealing during the long winter months. During summer all organised activities stop anyway and some stop during school holidays. I would rather he have an outlet - that he's interested in of course - so we don't have to keep coming up. With alternate entertainment that doesn't involve a screen. He would never read a book or make lego or that kind of thing.

El Gato De Negocios

Are there any entry level music courses in your area? Our two (6 & 4, not ASD) started one a few months ago. Its very basic ie its things like bongos, tambourines and other percussion type instruments but they loved it. Ended up performing on stage in the local theatre at the end of term and they sang a couple of songs (you are my sunshine and similar) and then played the bongos along with We Will Rock you. The oldest probably wont be particularly sporty but he still goes to GAA "training" once a week and we have enrolled him in Cul camps which he seems to be excited about. Both kids are in swimming too which they enjoy. I think its just trial and error tbh. Put yourself in their shoes, there are things you could try but end up not liking, kids are no different.

fits

Have you looked up swimming lessons for children with additional needs?. My boy does that - he is six with ASD and ID. He’s not really presented with a choice though and I don’t think he has figured out that he can refuse to go to things yet. One of us would sit at poolside. He also does a gymnastics class for children with additional needs and parents support child through that class too.

JDD

I have a 6 year old with ASD. He does football on a Sunday, and that’s his only activity. However, like you, I believe swimming is a life skill, not just a nice after school activity, so my older two have done it since they were 4. My 6 year old has a complex relationship with swimming - he loves the pool but clings to me for dear life and if I try to prise him off he says that he’s “falling” - lots of ASD kids have this fear of having their feet off the ground, so I get it. We are trying to get him individual lessons for a while - expensive but I hope worth it. Maybe that could bridge the gap?

As for the general question of how much activities is too much or two little, I got some great advice from John Lonergan on this. Make a physical activity a non-negotiable. I.e. you have to do some kind of physical activity on a Saturday/Sunday morning. If your kid does a term of basketball and doesn’t like it - so be it. Try something else the next term, but the alternative is not to sit at home.

I’ve been trying to find some ASD inclusive activities for my son. Mainstream activities are ok, but the fact is he learns differently to neurotypicals. Shouting verbal instructions in a hall full of noisy kids is useless. A small group, where he is taught visually, would be of much more benefit. Lots of GAA clubs have additional needs training now - I’m looking into my local club. If you drive, lots of ASD kids really benefit from horse riding - the rocking motion can be very regulating. And not as expensive as you might think - some stables have subsidised classes.