Dating Relationship that ended suddenly

System

This discussion was created from comments split from: First date.

Dickie10

i had slightly similar experience lately, i havent ben on a date in a few years well before covid, but met a really nice girl about a month ago.

We went out for dinner and a sports event on first date and kissed in car after, everything went well and we were really eaasy in each others company Arranged a date the following week where we went for a walk and ended up having two drinks before home again kissed and she really seemed to be into me.

A few days later we went for dinner and drinks after and met up with a friend of hers and two friends of mine, we had a really lovely night, chatted really easily together and she seemed to be having a nice time. When she met up with her friend later things changed and she actually left with her without even saying goodbye. I found this really hurtful and was actually looking for her in the pub when i got a messsage to say her friend was sick and needed to be brought home. It was seriously out of charectar for what had gone before all night. I noticed that her friend had been chatting to a friend of my ex and i am really sure he saud something negative about me to her, thats what made them split.

The next day we met and i asked casually what happened she said her friend had to go, she then said sh wasnt realy feeling we had a spark and that she wouldnt really like to contiinue on dating. I was really disappointed to be honest i thought it was going really well. We never even got physical properly to see was their a spark.

it ws the sudden change within a few mins of her talking to my exs friend that really had me wondering what happened though. really annoying to put it mildly. maybe we could get back toogether yet but the ball is in her court she knows i really liked her. any thoughts?

---------

Edited to add paragraphs etc to make it easier to read

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120568018#Comment_120568018

Plenty more fish in the sea, I wouldn't give her another chance. she sounds rude and not very nice.

Dickie10

thanks it had been years and i mean years since i put myself out there to date someone but she seemed really nice and we had loads in common, i felt the stomach being ripped from me when she said there wasnt any spark, like we both live at home because of financial situations and it was going to take a bit of time for that to happen. but really made a gobshite of me when they snuck away together without saying anything, all after i brought her to dinner tha t evening in a very expensive retauraunt that she booked.

Hannibal_Smith

OP I've moved your posts into a thread of their own so it might boost your chances of it being seen and getting the advice you're looking for and to not derail the other poster's thread.

Thanks

HS

Not at all nice, people can be awful. Those friends of your date obviously played their part to quickly unravel it all. Goodness knows what might have been said or indeed greatly exaggerated or emphasised through the version of opinion taking on new depths as passed from friend to friend. You have a choice to leave it, find someone else (however long that takes) or/and asking the lady you were dating exactly what she had heard about you, to give you the opportunity to correct any misinterpretation.

YellowLead

So you went for dinner and then to the pub where you met her friend, 2 of your friends. Where does the friend of your ex come into it? They were just there on the night?

Regardless of what she heard and decided it was incredibly rude and frankly childish for her to sneak off without saying goodbye. So I think you are better off without, that kind of behaviour would have cropped up in some other form.

I think at the end of the day she has made her decision based on what she heard and that is just that. It was easy because even though she liked you, she only met you a few times. Whatever she heard must have been really bad, because it was coming from a stranger and she just believed them without double checking anything with you.

DownByTheGarden

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120568018#Comment_120568018

One thing I learned when I was about 20 was that you need to have a few months dating with someone on dates with them alone before you start mixing with friends. Ones multiple people come into the mix on a night out you need to be comfortable in each others company. All it takes is one friend not to like you and you are out. Develop the relationship before you go there

Galaxy00

Whatever his/her reason not to text back or continue wanting to see you is entirely up to them, it obviously sucks, best way to get over them is instead of focusing on what you liked about them, is to focus on what you don't like about them. It genuinely is their loss. Remember your worth, you may have given up so much for bread crumbs, you're better than that

Dial Hard

So on your 3rd date you met up with other friends of both of you, am I reading that right? I think that was madness, tbh, OP; you're still only getting to know eachother at that point so bringing third and fourth parties into the fold at that point has the potential to change the dynamic/upset the balance to a huge degree, as you've just found out.

As DbtG points out, you need to actually know whether you like eachother and where you're going *long* before you bring friends into the mix. That way, if Friend A takes a dislike to you for whatever reason and says it to your date, they know you well enough to dismiss it. Three dates in they're potentially going to go "Jeez, maybe she's right".

Disappearing on the night and then fobbing you off with an excuse as to "no spark" was rude, yes, but realistically, she owes you nothing at only three dates in.

Take things at a more realistic pace next time. And stop paying for everything, that's outdated nonsense.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120568854#Comment_120568854

Absolutely right, a new couple need a lot of space, without intrusion of friends or God forbid.. parents!

Dickie10

Thanks for the advice yeah i should have necer went near the having friends around bit, i just presumed it was going so well. She cant have heard much to be honest frm that friend of my ex because there wa no big story to tell, there wasnt anything negative at all. mayve the friend thing did **** things up.

thomas 123

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120568018#Comment_120568018

I wouldn't read into it too much. You probably looked at the friend(in her experience) funny and she told your one to dump you.

TheadoreT

Meeting friends so early is such a big error. Even a well meaning comment from them can put your date off. Something like "he hasn't dated in years/he never has any luck/ he really into you " type sentiment will make you look like you've little options which is never attractive.

"I don't feel a spark" is usually code for you've come on too strong and they don't feel safe. The fact you say she knows you really like her is full on too, you barely know her. Even if that's how you feel you need to reign it in a lot. Saying things are out of character for her is weird too, again you barely know her. It seems you fast forwarded several steps in your mind when she was still naturally feeling you out, that dynamic will never end well for you.

TheadoreT

I also don't like your comment about her fobbing you off after you paying for an expensive restaurant. Like she owes you something because you're trying to buy her into bed, it's creepy and it will come off that way. Stay away from lavish gifts and expensive restaurants until you know someone well. It will come off as a bribe for sex to those who care and others will take advantage of you. But one things for sure, it won't make anyone like you more.

Dickie10

thanks for the advice

JeffKenna

I'm curious as to why she met you the next day just to call things off. Considering her behavior the previous night it doesn't add up as realistically a text after three dates is sufficient.

In any case you'll never know. Just a lesson not to get too attached in the early stages of dating.

HildaOgdenx

Mod Note - Some posts deleted. 

As per the charter, please bear in mind:

• Personal Issues is an advice forum.
• Posters are required to offer advice or opinion to the OP in their replies.
• Replies are expected to be mature, civil and well phrased.

Thanks

Hilda

Dickie10

i didnt see the post that was deleted. Why she met up ? i asked her too and she was happy to, said she woould actually like a chat, shes a nice girl in that way i guess. ill leave the dust settle maybe we might hook up casually in the future , if we do we do. ill play it cool from now on.

Purple Mountain

OP,maybe there's no conspiracy here with the friend..

Maybe she just felt no spark!

Yes ye were getting on but 3 dates isn't enough to say definitely that someone is really interested.

She might just have decided, he's nice but not nice enough.

Stuff happens.

Leave her be.

Stop holding out hope, you were knocked back.

Life has plenty of knock backs for us all, we just get on the horse again.

The right person will find you when the time is right.

Be someone's priority, not someone's option.

PoisonIvyBelle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120570296#Comment_120570296

It sounds like she might have been putting it on that she was having a good time and was actually uncomfortable and wanted to leave. So when her friend came, she bailed her out and gave her an excuse to leave (saying she was sick).

Oscar_Madison

For future dates maybe consider more simple outings in the first instance -dinner in a fancy/expensive restaurant on date 1, 2 or 3 is probably a bit old hat / settled especially if you’re paying.

What do people do as dates these days anyway? What’s the acceptable “norm”?

Going for a walk or a couple of drinks is fine and you can get to know the person with little commitment or expense- “dinner and drinks” just feels a bit too settled too early- a pizza, a main course only in a cheap ish but quality restaurant or in summertime maybe a gourmet takeaway food truck like they have in public parks and just sit and chill with it.

As for speaking to one of your exs friends, probably only you know what if anything they might have said about you, and as a result if it might have influenced her decision to quit- by the sound of it it probably did -unless you left the previous relationship on great terms and all her friends were sorry to see you go (highly unlikely speaking in general terms) then it was probably a causal factor- but look, if it was to be she would have ignored what was said and made her own mind up- good luck with the next one.

Mongfinder General

She doesn’t respect you. Her actions prove this. Look at what she has done, not what she has said/is saying.

I wouldn’t even entertain dealing with her again.

I’m guessing that you were probably the person paying for dinner/events.

Don’t chase her. Pursue a better you. By improving yourself (education, job, lifestyle etc) you will have more options. I don’t know you and I’m not trying to be insulting in what I’ve just written. Don’t be anybody’s simp. I acted like one for long enough.