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Only sibling with no children

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  • 28-04-2023 5:23pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 4


    Hi All,

    I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, so giving this a go to see if maybe anyone else is in the same boat. ..its a bit all over the place sorry.

    I am in a long term relationship (approaching 40 years old) we don't have children. Honestly, I've never had that strong an urge and although I've said I'd be happy if it happened naturally, i would never ever go down ivf route etc. My older sister was completely obsessed about kids heard every detail. She now has 3 my other have 6 between them.

    I keep getting treated like I'm a freak, my younger sister who just got pregnant again was clearly awkward about telling me she was pregnant again.

    They seem offended that im just not obsessed with having one.I am just sick to death of people wondering/ asking and I really don't think they would understand that im just not fussed. It makes me awkward and angry about so much stupid stuff..My siblings meet up without me with their kids. I know this is just life but every family occasion now is something to do with children and ya nice once in a while, but every bday is celebrated..i find it exhausting..WhatsApp groups just pics of kids. I just feel so left out. It's like in order for me to feel part of the family and my siblings lives I'll have to have a child.

    And yes lots of conflicting things there, they obviously sense I'm not insanely mad about hanging around with kids all the time.

    It's like I'm not mourning children ill never have, but mourning my siblings and our old relationships and the future relationships I won't really have with them if I never have a child (which is likely)

    Anyway any advice or anyone with some similar experience ? Thanks All



Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 13,450 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    You need to just make peace with the fact that family stuff is likely to revolve around being child-friendly for a few years. Go if you feel like it, stay away if you don't. And yes, the birthdays etc. can get very expensive. I'm child-free by choice but have 9 niblings and a step-one. I'd probably have the deposit for a house by now if it wasn't for the constant rounds of birthdays, Christmas, graduations, blah blah blah.

    Thankfully my family completely respect my choice not to have kids so I don't have to deal with that side of things, but I'd be lying if I said there weren't moments where I've resented the amount of money I've had to spend on other people's kids over the years.



  • Registered Users Posts: 28,362 ✭✭✭✭odyssey06


    IN your shoes I might find it more difficult if I had really tried to have kids and it didn't happen. They would be a reminder of a road you didn't take. Are you sure there's not some deep buried element of that in there?

    I would try to avoid cutting yourself off from it... in years to come you might look back fondly at this period, that you got to be part of seeing them growing up because you won't see this through your own children. You get to be there for the fun times with them.

    The years will clip by and before you know it they will be grown up and busy with their own lives.

    "To follow knowledge like a sinking star..." (Tennyson's Ulysses)



  • Registered Users Posts: 10,041 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    It won't be long before your siblings envy your freedoms that come with being child free.

    I'm child free by choice and love my niblings but in small doses. I could never be a full time parent. I'm also the eldest but physically and mentally the youngest of the entire family because my body, mind and sleep patterns haven't been changed by having children and the stresses and responsibilities of being a parent.

    My siblings went through a phase of being child obsessed but it passed as the kids got a little bit older. Every conversation no longer revolves around what their kids are doing. Hopefully it's just a phase your siblings are going through too OP.



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,396 ✭✭✭standardg60


    Completely agree, the novelty will wear off soon enough. It could also be construed that the questioning of the op already has an element of envy buried within. How are they so happy with their life that they don't need the 'miracle' of being blessed with kids?

    Occasions, Whatsapp pics, and meet ups can be an attention seeking competition as much as anything else so leave them at it and rejoice in your ability to take it or leave it.

    It's ok to mourn the relationships you once had but they will come back in time, and remember that there are new ones to form with your niblings as they get older. Two of mine have turned out to be the children I'd have had if I could have designed them, if I'd had my own they probably would have been sh1te.



  • Registered Users Posts: 106 ✭✭questioner22


    OP, think of it as just a phase, which it is. I relate because I have no kids either and siblings do. There was more obsession with photos etc when the kids were very young than now when they're older and all in school now. They grow up very quickly and once they get to 12 or so they're not really kids as much anymore.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 347 ✭✭iniscealtra


    I’m an in law and left the OH’s family WhatsApp group as it’s all self congratulatory s**** one is supposed to respond to. Tell them you’re doing a bit of a digital detox and leave the WhatsApp group. My family doesn’t have one thankfully and if there is a family event people do tell you. A lot of my friends have kids but once they get past a certain age life gets a bit easier for them and the kids have great personalities. Maybe visit them at times when it’s just the one family if you can and less madness.



  • Registered Users Posts: 2,090 ✭✭✭witchgirl26


    OP have you ever talked to your sisters about your feelings towards having children or not? I mean in a very clear & open way not just off hand comments if someone asks about having kids. Maybe it's less that they're offended & more that they don't understand as it's a different perspective to theirs. Also I would take you're younger sister being reluctant to tell you more in the way of that (if it hadn't been talked about) she might worry about upsetting you. As a lot of people I know acted blasé about not having kids but behind closed doors were in bits about it.

    I'm the youngest in my family so I was the child-free one for the longest time with 8 nieces & nephews. It's a lot with all the birthdays, Christmases, communions, confirmations etc etc but they are part of your family too & there is a stage in the family lifecycle where things do revolve around the kids. It's a good sign though that your sisters do meet up without the kids with you at times. Look it's not easy being that one & there will probably always be a slight element of feeling left out when the discussion turns to what the kids are doing as that is your sisters worlds now.

    Not having kids doesn't mean you can't fully embrace that side of things though. My sisters best friend is fully child free by choice. Never wants them, never has, never will. That said she fully embraces my sisters kids (she's like a sister to us to be fair) & gets stuck in with birthdays etc. Just because you don't want them yourself, doesn't mean you can't enjoy the fun part of them at those occasions & happily leave at the end of the day! That was something I definitely enjoyed!



  • Registered Users Posts: 2,656 ✭✭✭Bobtheman


    Give yourself a break. There is absolutely no evidence children make you happier. No survey.

    It's the DNA in us wanting to replicate pure and simple.

    Children cause huge mental health issues. Biggest cause.

    Thus If others want to give into the urge let them. They are nervous about their choice and want you to go along

    We are a planet with 7.5 billion people. We had 2 billion in 1940. We don't need more people.

    We have lots of prehistoric urges that should not be acted upon including violence.

    Thus if you don't want kids don't have them



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,390 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    The happiest demographic are single, childless women. Appreciate the fact you have the best of both worlds, you can love & mind your nieces & nephews like theyre your kids while still being able to live your life on your terms & as you choose & as others have said, we're over populated as it is, seriously, theres kids that cant even get places in schools.

    I used to work in a home for old people & any of the women there who didnt have children by choice wearnt lonely, they had lots of friends & lived full lives with lots of interesting experiences that they couldnt have had if theyd had kids. There is so much to life & you can make thousands of choices, having children is one choice but definitely not the only one.



  • Registered Users Posts: 575 ✭✭✭z80CPU
    Darth Randomer


    Don't have offspring myself and single OP.

    Over the half century mark, single and doesn't bother me.

    I also live on my own.



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