Ex cheated and I keep beating myself up over why I wasn't enough

Scattered99

I committed the ultimate faux pas and dated my housemate for 4 months. I was smitten and it seemed mutual. He said he loved me after only 2 months, I felt the same way. Alas, after this he became very manipulative and probably emotionally abusive. He weaponised his being bipolar to get away with whatever he wanted. I could be crying over something he said or did and somehow I'd be the one apologising.

He was constantly losing his temper with me for the last few weeks of it. One day I forgot to buy toilet paper and he literally didn't talk to me for a full day? And we live in the same house?!? He was always "too tired" for me. He magically had the energy to befriend this Spanish girl in his college course. I didn't care initally, but he started cancelling plans with me, for her. Culminated in me spending Paddy's with our other male housemates while he and her went for drinks and joined us later. I was 4 pints in and began to bawl crying when he said he was going to the cinema with her again that night. He walked me home but still went. He called me controlling, said he's allowed have female friends etc. I felt guilty.

I ended it 2 days later. Less than a week later, he told me he going to start dating her in a few weeks. Bare in mind, she also had a BF at the time who flew over from Spain to start work here, only to be dumped by her last week. I cried and cried when he told me as I knew I was right all along and I was furious. The next day, he was sneaking her into our house. We share a wall. I heard them giggling into the night. I was upset and wanted to avoid him, but the next day he kept following me around to get my attention. I said i didn't want to talk. He called me names and said I should be happy for him, given how miserable I made him etc.

He keeps trying to force friendship on me and frankly, I hate him. One night he was drunk and crying to me and i was tricked into letting him in my room. He tried to hold my hand three times and kissed my head, i was furious. It's been 3 weeks since he first snook her in. He proclaims how much better Spanish girls are, how its great to be with a tall girl (I'm 5ft1), how she's bi and vegetarian and interesting etc. He refuses to apologise. If he does it's half assed like "ugh well I had to take Viagra with her because I felt so guilty- are you happy now?". Apparently they are in love. She's a horrible yoke, like before this even started I found her a bore and snobby. But it really hurts even though I'm glad he's not my problem anymore....help?

marilynrr

I remember your last thread. Seems like one of your fears came through and you bent over backwards for another guy because of his mental illness.

He definitely sounds emotionally abusive.

It's not that you weren't enough, his behaviour isn't a reflection on you. It's about him. No doubt he will treat the new girl in the same way.

Are your other housemates supporting you? or do you have a support system in real life to lean on?

He is the one with the issues.

You need to move on!

Big Bag of Chips

This was not about you. Nothing and nobody will ever be enough for someone like that. Always looking for more. Even when he broke up with you he's still following you around looking for attention. Looking for you to acknowledge him, comfort him.

His new 'relationship' won't last too long either. He'll have his eye out looking for the next one.

It's upsetting and it'll take time to get over. It's awkward, but ultimately it was never going to work with this lad. He has a lot of growing up to do before he'll be able to sustain a relationship. Move on and leave them both to what is likely to become another messy break up. Be careful of allowing yourself to become his shoulder to cry on when he's sniffing around looking for attention and validation.

raclle

He is immature and has a mental health condition and is using it as an excuse to be an absolute pos. This pos is toxic and I'd advise you to get as far away from him as possible.

Hannibal_Smith

He keeps trying to force friendship on me and frankly, I hate him. One night he was drunk and crying to me and i was tricked into letting him in my room. He tried to hold my hand three times and kissed my head, i was furious. It's been 3 weeks since he first snook her in. He proclaims how much better Spanish girls are, how its great to be with a tall girl (I'm 5ft1), how she's bi and vegetarian and interesting etc. He refuses to apologise. If he does it's half assed like "ugh well I had to take Viagra with her because I felt so guilty- are you happy now?".

OP when you read your two threads together his behaviour towards you is consistent. For whatever reason he craves attention and is enjoying the reaction he gets its, whether it's good or bad he doesnt care. Reaction = attention.

Hes using the same tactics now as he did before. Telling you all about this new girl a week after you've broken up and bringing to the house you share. It's incredibly immature.

You had decided you weren't going to do anything about the feelings you had for each other, but only a short time later you end up in a relationship together. Was that his idea?

Read over the opening posts in your two threads and you will see. It's not about you being good enough. Of course you are good enough to be in a relationship with. But this guy isn't looking for a relationship. He's looking for someone to control and play games with.

Do not entertain any more conversations with him. He is not trying to build a relationship. Late night conversations are of no benefit to you. Be kind to yourself.

89897

It was nothing to do with you, this guy is just an a$$. Find strength in that you were not the problem here and stop entertaining his ridiculousness.

I remember your last thread and he seemed like an a$$ then. Use this as a learning curve and stay away from these type of people. If you're as conflicted as you were in the start, it was never going to be any better unfortunately, she was telling you about other women he fancied etc, he seems to get a kick out of this. He will do it to this new girl also. Use that gut instinct.

HildaOgdenx

Nothing much to add to the advice already given but if there's any chance at all that you could move out, take it. I know that's not an easy solution as accommodation is very difficult to find in many cities and towns at the moment.

You did mention a lease coming to an end in your previous thread, and that he was doing a college course, and I presume the academic year is nearly at an end. As others have said, it's definitely not you, and if you can get away, out of the situation, then, do. He will continue to try to use you and to flaunt other 'relationships' in front of you, otherwise.

Mind yourself and stop beating yourself up over someone who most definitely is not worth it.

Scattered99

Guys, thank you so much for the support. I needed it.

We haven't spoken beyond a "I'm going to shower" or "are you done with the dryer?" since this day last week. I had been trying to keep away from him and he wouldn't leave me alone. He was constantly banging on my door looking for stupid crap, even when i wasnt home e.g., saying he knows i have a box of his cigarettes in my room when Im not a smoker, i smoked maybe twice with him?. Our housemates noticed and didn't approve. When I went home for a few days 2 weeks ago, I told him not to text me and he texted like 5 times, including "I love you buddy". I was acting as indifferent to him as I could, basically as if he were an acquaintance and it just made him more agitated and desparate I.e., yelling "why are you walking away from me?", "why are you so short with me now?".

The reason he's started to leave me alone is because he wouldn't let me walk away from a fight he was trying to start this day last week. He didn't touch or block me but he kept shrieking he did nothing wrong until I started yelling back, when I had been relatively stoic towards all his other attempts. It was 1am, I had just come back from a 9 hour shift. He smacked the table in temper and it terrified two of our housemates who came rushing downstairs to tell him to leave me alone. Even the lad I who is best mates with him and doesnt particularly like me.

I have a viewing tomorrow, wish me luck

YellowLead

Best of luck with your viewing tomorrow. It sounds like you have learned from all of this and realise the right thing to do.

The only thing you are guilty of is being naive, and not listening to the advice you were given in the previous thread - but generally people learn better when they make their own mistakes. Somebody coming on very strong like that and telling you they love you after two months is a bit off. He just likes having you around as his doormat to listen to when he feels like it. As somebody else said, it won’t last with this other girl either he will always be a user and view women as creatures there to do his bidding. You are well rid. Please be cautious regarding who you get involved with in future, and certainly not any housemates.

spaceHopper

He's a narcist and loves the attention of you either trying to win him back or failing that fighting with him over the way he treated you so that he can gaslight you into thinking it was all your fault.

He can't stand that you aren't reacting to him and are giving him the cold shoulder. 

What about blocking him so he can't text you and then telling him that you will be civil with him because you both have to live in the same space but you are not interested in any kind of relationship or friendship with him and when you ask him to leave you alone he needs to back of and do as asked. 

Hope the viewing goes well but the way things are and how he's behaved I'd say your flat mates are ready to get rid of him. Would that be possible.

oldfriend213sf

Listen, he's a wrong un and that's clear to all and sundry.

However. I vaguely remember your last thread, and a comment about your pattern in being drawn towards men like this. With mental health issues and that are emotionally abusive. The healthy way forwards here is in getting really curious about that and in asking yourself some big and scary questions as to why that is. These guys are somehow familiar to you - how? Are they reminiscent of a family member? A parent figure? What part of you is attracted to them, and what are you looking for in allowing them into your life? Validation from someone who will never give it? Does chaos and drama feel a bit like love to you?

Now, these are no small questions and this in no small piece of work, to self reflect like this. It's usually best done with a professional in therapy. But simply starting to think about these things might be something to consider.

Take it from someone who followed the same pattern for all of my teens, 20s and a good chunk of my 30s. The pattern only stopped when i started to look inwards, reflect, grieve the things that caused me to become this way (childhood neglect, in my case, and ouch) and recognise what my actual needs were and how I could advocate for them in relationships moving forwards.

Scattered99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120496724#Comment_120496724

I actually started going to therapy 3 months ago for this and my own struggle with depression. I was always sceptical but it was great. I think it opened my eyes a lot and that's why I got out of this relationship relatively fast (for me). I was asking for more and making my wants known and ultimately ended it. Younger me wouldn't have put up such a fight. Although ideally, I would never get myself into such a situation again.

Scattered99

I know it's petty but it's really getting to me that two of the lads I live with have accepted her. Initially they were cold and now they're following her on Instagram and I hear them talking in the kitchen when she's over. It feels a bit like a betrayal but their logic is "well you two weren't happy and he seems happy now so that's good".

I know that's true and it wouldn't be right for them to be cold with her but I feel oddly irritated by it. I hope it'll pass.

Tork

That's house-share politics for you, I'm afraid. The same sort of thing happens in work too. People you are on friendly terms with aren't going to raise their head above the parapet. They just want a quiet life and will take the path of least resistance. I double-checked your original post and as I suspected, you were the one who moved in with the others. They knew your ex first (maybe even were friends before that) and that's where their greater loyalties lie. They're not going to make a stand or comment on his love life. She's never going to be best friends with them but it's normal that they'll be friendly to her. You're mad at them now but in a few years time you'll barely remember their names.

I hope you find somewhere new to live soon and that you can remove yourself from this toxic situation. As well as having to deal with your ex, you're fixated on his new girlfriend. Maybe because of the way your ex transitioned from being with you to hooking up with her? You've turned her into a monster in your head, when maybe she isn't as awful as you believe she is. You still see her as a love rival and the worst person in the world. You don't know what he told her about you, so she either doesn't know all the facts or has been told some lies. Does it matter? Once the honeymoon phase is over, he's going to start treating her like sh*t too.

Scattered99

I'm mostly angry about how he clearly had her lined up and lied to me about it. Even now, he continues to insist he only "magically" saw her in that way after we split up (in the space of what, 4 days?). And I'm sure she's not as bad as my ex but given she knew me before this happened and had the cheek to stay at mine exactly a week after it ended....I doubt she's angel either. That's brazen. I recall her giving me dirty looks across the table on Paddy's when my ex had his arm around me, while I'd been trying to include her in conversation.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. It's a win for me, ultimately. I'm free of him, and for the most part, I'm happier for it. He will continue to use people and towards the end, it's not like i wanted to be with him anymore anyway.

jillette

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120499684#Comment_120499684

Trust me and my experience - with this type 'the far away ass is always greener'. He'll treat her in exactly the same manner - or even worse - once the novelty wears off. She has all of that ahead of her, and probably doesn't even realise it yet - though usually we do see the red flags and refuse to acknowledge them.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120499684#Comment_120499684

I think your anger at her is misplaced. You know your ex is a manipulative liar and gaslighter so it's probably pretty safe to assume that whatever she was told about your relationship and how/when it ended was entirely fabricated to paint him in the best possible light. Stop blaming her for how your ex treated/treats you.

Scattered99

Ex lost it with me and another housemate for going for a walk this eve. Said it wasn't fair he wasn't invited. I said he could come and somehow that made him more angry.

Surely I'm not being dramatic for moving out? I want peace

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120501742#Comment_120501742

I think you need to stop thinking about what he thinks and stop engaging with him full stop. While trying to move out - nothing of what he will say to you matters and you don’t need to justify your actions to him and you don’t need to think about his new girlfriend at all either.

marilynrr

Ex lost it with me and another housemate for going for a walk this eve. Said it wasn't fair he wasn't invited. I said he could come and somehow that made him more angry.

You need to work on your boundaries. Could you ask the therapist to help you develop some skills to do this? You don't need to tell your ex they can come on a walk with you because they kick off. Don't engage with him at all.

Tork

Moving out is not dramatic at all. If you hadn't told us that you are looking for somewhere new to live, there'd be a resounding chorus of people advising you to get out of there. I'd say that privately, your other housemates can't wait for you to be gone and that things will calm down. I'm sure they still like you well enough but you are a lightning rod for the drama that's going on. Even if your ex wasn't an unstable man who's agitated by your continued presence in the house, it'd be a tricky house share to be in. You've got an ex couple living under the same roof, and a new girlfriend to complicate things even more.

Would your ex have got angry and chastised other people in the house if they'd gone for a walk without him? Even if this is a house-share where you all seem to be living in each others' pockets, getting mad over something like this is not reasonable behaviour at all. If he continues to behave like this even after you go, I can see the others getting sick of him. But that's wandering off the point. In short, your current housing situation is toxic and unsustainable and somebody has to go.

Ideally you should engage as little as possible with him for the time you have left in the house. That might mean you having to spend more time in your room or out of the house because he's hanging around with your other housemates. Don't get involved in text exchanges with him. If there's a house Whatsapp group, don't engage in banter. Hard and all as it is for you, it's time to start withdrawing from the social side of life in the house. Because of your history and because he's a manipulative a-hole, he knows how to push your buttons and upset you. This evening's drama is just another sign that he's an unreasonable attention seeking POS.

HildaOgdenx

You're still giving him far too much importance in your mind and in your life. That's not a criticism by the way.

Keep reminding yourself that he doesn't matter because he doesn't.

So he had a hissy fit, so what?

Get yourself out of there asap and leave all the toxicity behind you. Learn from it and move on.

Big Bag of Chips

He's now your ex. The fact you live together makes it awkward, but at the end of the day you are no longer going out together. If he was any other ex would you be asking him to go for a walk with you? No. You'd most likely be going 'no contact'. He is volatile and pushy. For as long as you are in the same space as him he will not leave you alone. It really is time to try move out, or become strong enough to ignore his tantrums and demands of your time.

Your other housemates are not and don't want to be involved. They don't want to take sides. They don't want an awkward atmosphere in their home. That's why they are just getting on with things.

I hope you find somewhere suitable soon. It's not good for you to remain in that environment.

raclle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120501742#Comment_120501742

You need to stay well clear and cut all contact. Move out as soon as you possibly can.

Scattered99

Overheard him saying "it's so funny that Roisin is the only one of us who doesn't have someone" and my other housemate went "I'm pretty sure she's meeting your man again tomorrow".

God he's horrible. Have another viewing soon. I wish he didn't still get under my skin

Tork

OK, so you've well and truly figured out that he's an asshat. (I also hope that it's dawning on you that you could never be enough for him). He also gets under your skin, which is your biggest problem until you find somewhere else to live. At the moment your ears are on high alert and the reason why you heard this conversation is because you wanted to hear it. It's up to you and you alone to take steps to stop this happening. That means putting on music or watching a video in your room. Popping on a pair of headphones. Go for a walk. Whatever. Just don't be sitting at home in the silence eavesdropping on conversations.

Kurooi

Your ex is a psychopath. You two dating just made him focus extra on you, he pulls the same stuff on any close relationships.