Long Term Partner giving up.

anon0110

This is so difficult to post for me so I went anon as a new poster but i'll give it a go. 

My long term partner of 30 years has decided its over between us. We have had a rocky time of it over the years, she has suffered from Mental health issues for many years and 4 years ago was diagnosed as Bipolar 2. It has been tough dealing with the ups and downs as she has also struggled to get a set of medication that will works for her. She has no decided to blame me for putting here through emotional abuse for years, not being supportive, gaslighting, blaming her mental health for issues and a lot more so she has finally had enough. Honestly I feel myself I have checked out for a number of years, pottering away at work and I have dropped the ball contributing to the relationship and over the years have become more like room mates more than partners. What she has said I have done to her over the years is so hurtful and whilst there is some truth in somethings it also seems exaggerated in parts I feel. I will be the first to admit I am not perfect and take a lot of blame onboard for this.

She is attending counselling for personal issues from her childhood also and suggested couple counselling which we did last week. That didn't go well really and she came out of it more angry the following days.

To add to the complications we have about 200k left on a joint mortgage and run a business from home, our daughter also suffers from anxiety and has started to self harm in the last 6 months so that has cause huge stress on us lately. She is only 14 and we are bringing her to Pieta house for help. 

I really do not know what to do next - I still love her and I am devasted that it has come to this, I pretty much cry daily over where we are and I am holding out hope that I can recover this relationship back someway. What came out of our session is that I need to focus on getting myself better however I feel I cant tell my friends and have no family to talk to. I have considered ringing the Samaritans over the last few days just to talk to someone.

The tension around the home is unbearable at times currently - we are pretty much avoiding being in each other's space and I am afraid to even discuss thing since I feel if I say the wrong word she will explode on me as has happened in the past .

I am at a loss at to what to do next, I don't blame her for how she feels but I really have no idea what to do next and see if this is recoverable. We have another session now next week and am dreading it due to the current environment.

madeiracake

Get some counseling by yourself. You are going through a huge amount of stress and need to be able to talk to someone to talk through how things are affecting you without worrying about having a row after. Definitely ring the Samaritan's until you can organize your own counseling. It's tough and you are hurting which is only natural. It's a horrible situation and the tension is so wearing. It can feel totally overwhelming. Could you build a garden room and move the business out there?

Housefree

Start living a single life. Do things for yourself. Consider this done. Don't waste your money on the couples counseling, you know it won't change anything, a vehicle to lay the blame on you if anything

SuperBowserWorld

Call the Samaritans. It'll only be a short call and you can get some pain off your chest. Don't worry about it. You don't need to give your real name and it's a private conversation. And get some counseling yourself with a psychologist etc. But just make a start.

Find enjoyable things to do with your daughter to help quell her anxiety. Exercise and fresh air will help. Maybe borrow a dog to take for a walk , if you don't have one. Keep it really simple. Talk and listen and try to laugh. Don't forget to laugh. It's a ridiculously stressful time for teenagers. Try and keep phone and social media use to a minimum.

Maybe you two could decide to put things aside in the medium term and rally around helping your daughter.

Keeping things really simple and quiet will help. Try to keep the house organised etc for your daughter's sake. Try to keep listening to and keep supporting your daughter.

Maybe this will be a good focus for you two. And try to sort out your differences and plan your separate futures if necessary. But in the meantime you have a common cause. Avoid anger and blame.