Stonewalling Accusation

Help2023

Edited out

Tork

I assume you and your girlfriend are in your teens or twenties and are from the generation whose heads explode if somebody dares make a phone call to them. When it comes to having a disagreement with somebody, DO NOT TEXT. It is a terrible way of sorting problems out. If either of you had had a weird thing called "A Conversation" on your telephonic devices early in the day, this might have been defused and saved Friday for you. The biggest problem I see here is poor communication. So if you learn nothing else from this experience, messaging people is a crappy way of sorting out arguments or dealing with complex issues. That applies in work too, by the way.

Leaving that aside, there isn't a lot for anybody to go on here. I also have a feeling you won't be back to engage with us but I'll bite anyway. We don't know what age you and your girlfriend are, how long you're together or how the relationship has been going. At best, you're both a bit immature and just need to get better at dealing with disagreements. At worst, you're incompatible and your girlfriend is needy. Which is it? Whereabouts on the spectrum between the two are you? No matter where things are, this is something you and your girlfriend need to talk out over this weekend now that you've cooled off a bit.

JoChervil

OP, this conversation "wasn't going anywhere" for YOU, so you decided to finish it one-sidedly. Was she ok with finishing it? It seems no. So yes, for me it would be stonewalling as well. You did what was comfortable for you while not taking another person's needs into account.

You both sound immature. And you both need to learn how to communicate in a non-toxic way.

Larbre34

Give her an auld day or two to cool her jets. If she doesn't accept on good faith that you were actually exhausted after a long day and that that was a very good reason not to message any further that evening, then she needs some space to think about it.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120480861#Comment_120480861

See, this is the problem with a thread like this. We have so little information to go on, it's hard to give any specific advice. You can read this in whatever way you want. You could argue that yes, he was wrong to go to bed and to arbitrarily stop the row that had been going on all day. Or could it be that he did the right thing? Sometimes arguments just go round and round in circles, with neither person willing to back down. Sometimes somebody has to shout Stop. This argument that had been going on all day was obviously upsetting both of them and taking a toll on them both. If he told her he was going to bed, why did she keep sending texts? That's not great behaviour from her, is it?

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120480961#Comment_120480961

I am of opinion that you need first to shift the discussion from primary disagreement to agree to discuss it next day. But very often people just say they are switching off and do it. It is kind of having the last word, which is extremely annoying to other party.

It's like adding fuel to already firing situation, that's why she kept texting. He prodded her by cutting her off. I believe we can respect others in times of disagreement.

YellowLead

It’s very difficult without having more facts. Agree with Tork on the foolishness of arguing over text.

Lets say you were arguing because she wants to have a baby this year and you want to wait - every time she brings up the conversation you say you are tired and don’t want to talk about it. In that scenario you would be in the wrong for not discussing.

On the other hand - maybe it’s that one of you wants to go to France on holiday and the other to Italy and it just came up today - then it is her who is in the wrong, she is needy and annoying as that could clearly wait for the next day.

Are you truly happy in this relationship? If you guys can’t communicate - don’t stay together for the sake of it. I’m assuming it’s a relatively new one.

Help2023

Edited out

Tork

So how did you communicate this to your girlfriend? If she thought you'd just decided to ignore her messages, I can see how she could be mad. But if you told her you were going to bed and she didn't respect that, you've got a different discussion on your hands. Really, the two of you need to talk in person and to agree on a better way to sort out your disagreements.

Caranica

I was having a late night chat last night by text, eyes were closing and I told them so and said goodnight. Woke up to no texts, all is well. I really don't understand why anyone would declare that stonewalling OP. To me she seems to be totally overreacting.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120481835#Comment_120481835

There's another word for it.

Then again I can understand the other person being annoyed if this happens every time a discussion is required.

Compromise is hugely important in any relationship. I thought the posters Compromise made sense.

No idea was this a once off argument or happen every second day. Big difference there.

Help2023

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120481810#Comment_120481810

I sent her a message saying I was wrecked and needed to go to bed and we could discuss the following day or whenever suited. Pretty sure I mentioned this in my first post

kippy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120480961#Comment_120480961

TBF online forums aren't the best spaces for people to get both sides of the story or to gauge the nuances involved. In much the same way as others have said above that text messages/emails/IMs/DMs etc arent the best way for communicating with people, particularily between couples etc.

OP, give her a call, arrange to meet up for a nice walk/coffee etc - It's the best advice you'll get and ultimately it you arent prepared to do that or sge isnt then there are probably bigger issues at play.

ladygrace9

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120482303#Comment_120482303

Definitely meet up and talk it out OP.

Open and honestly. Listen to what she has to say and how she feels. Even if you feel you are right and she has overreacted, meet and calmly discuss it with her.

Before hand, perhaps reflect and look at yourself and how you communicate or have communicated with her or previous gfs in the past. Have they said similar things? Has miscommunication ended your previous relationships? Are you selfish at times to make someone think everything is on your terms? Has this happened in past relationships? Just something to think about. You may not even be aware but sit with yourself and think about it.

Tbf OP, comments and observations like that don’t just materialise out of thin air. Someone is not going to come out and say they are being stonewalled just out of the blue. I know from experience I would have experienced what appeared to be non communicative/evasive behaviour a few times and unfortunately, yes everything was on their terms before I came right out and said it in frustration months into the relationship and I know what it feels like not to be heard or listened to in a relationship.

So meet up and talk it out. Open and honestly. Don’t be afraid of “hard” conversations. Relationships aren’t going to be rosy 24/7. It’s good to get things out on the table and talk.

Do you love her? Do you see a future? Honestly? If it’s months in, you will know the answer inside. If so, sort it out together. I’m sure if you feel these things for her, you’ll be more than happy to work it out.

If you don’t see a future or feel pissed off now because she isn’t playing ball by being the agreeable GF, it’s just passing time and not fair on all parties involved. So if you don’t want to fix this miscommunication, just end it. Don’t lead people on or use them on your terms as a time stamp. It sounds like an emotional reaction to how she perceives she is being treated therefore she is invested emotionally and if you are honestly NOT in this, call it a day and find someone you are more compatible with.

Good luck!

YellowLead

OP it sounds like you were being reasonable in this case and your girlfriend is being completely selfish and is also very immature - but this behaviour rarely just appears out of the blue. Like how do you guys get on normally??? Was this argument a new thing that came up or is it an argument that you have had before and not finished?

ladygrace9

Agreed. Yes absolutely - @YellowLead - texting at 11pm and starting or continuing an argument is obviously immature and emotional - it’s not the time or place and that goes without saying! She was wrong on THAT action - she should of noted the time and considered people are exhausted and left it until the next meet up etc and waited to debate it in person but yes, as I and you are saying, this isn’t out of the blue and OP must look inwards and be honest with himself. This didn’t come out of nowhere.

89897

I do feel like alot more information is needed here? Is this a one off, was it an argument thats come up a few times, are arguments often left like this? Does she usually go on the defensive etc??

Tork

It could also be that the girlfriend is the one who needs to take a look at herself. OP has clarified that he told her he was off to bed. That didn't stop her from continuing to bombard him with messages. Was he stonewalling her because he'd decided he'd had enough of arguing for the day and had headed off to bed? Was not answering her messages after he'd said he was gone to bed stonewalling?

More than anything else, the pair of them need to talk soon and sort this out. This is the sort of thing that needs to be nipped in the bud.

marilynrr

Stonewalling triggers me massively, I had it since childhood from my parents so I don't handle it well as an adult.

This doesn't sound like stonewalling to me though as you agreed to discuss it tomorrow, unless you have prior form for saying stuff like that and then shutting her down the next time she brings it up? I've had that from someone too and it drove me insane 🙉

So has this kind of thing happened before between you? Or do you know if she was ever on the receiving end of it from someone else and so overreacted to this one off perceived incident of stonewalling from you?

Or was it a pretty upsetting topic or something that she perhaps had held in for a long time and then felt like she needed to resolve it there and then?

If this is the only time it's happened then hopefully it will be sorted out without much fuss.