Should I have told his girlfriend that he cheated with me?

dolly90

Apologies in advance for the long winded story.

Fresh out of college I met a guy a through tinder 5 years ago, he was well known so back then I asked friends from his scene what he was like and everyone said he was extremely well liked. I lived 3 hrs from him so over the course of a year we text and video called everyday and went on dates when we could. I was planning on moving to Dublin where he lived and we agreed that we'd probably end up in an exclusive relationship then when we could see eachother more frequently. But then my plans of moving changed as my family member got sick and I wanted to stay at home and I thought there was no point pursuing a relationship with the guy as I was young and didn't want to do long distance. We always remained in sporadic contact basically as virtual friends.

We both ended up in relationships with other people and when I experienced a family tragedy in early 2021 he saw it on the news and reached out to offer emotional support, he texted me everyday for 3 months and it led to sexting. I broke up with my boyfriend, he stayed with his girlfriend, never planning on telling her what happened between us and we cut contact.

In the summer of 2022 he reached out to me and by this stage although I was cautious of him I knew that I wasn't the victim and we had both been wrong but I did blame my grief for clouding my judgement back in 2021 and for making the decision to cheat. I had attended counselling for grief and examined the root of the issues i had that caused me to cheat.

He told me that he and his gf had broken up in Christmas 2021 and he wanted time to work on himself by attending counselling before contacting me again. I felt like he came into it with accountability and honesty. We texted and phoned everyday for 6 months and again, met up when we could even though we never slept together during this time, we did sext.

Then in the January gone by, we were organising a weekend away to an irish hotel (i viewed us as being in a long distance relationship) when I caught him out in a single lie and when I asked him about it he tried to gaslight me so alarm bells rang in my mind. I was so confused so I did a deep dive investigation on social media and contacted a mutual friend, where I learned that he and his girlfriend never broke up. He had concocted elaborate lies about his life which seemed so innocent but are totally outrageous when you compare them to the truth. I also discovered that he and his girlfriend are living together.

I never confronted him, i just blocked him and ghosted. I never contacted his girlfriend. I just bowed out and decided that I would move on. The problem is that I haven't moved on. I don't think about it obsessively but I think about it most days. I feel like the biggest fool and I genuinely feel sick thinking about the times I sexted him, I wouldn't have done it if I had known he had a girlfriend. I feel like he manipulated me into sexting and I feel violated.

I do feel that even if I contacted his girlfriend to notify her he would probably concoct the most outrageous lies about me in order to discredit me which I don't particularly want to have to face a character assignation but then I also feel as though I should let her know because I would want to know if the man I was living with would do this twice in our relationship.

Has anyone any advice on whether I've done the right thing in staying silent?

evolvingtipperary101

Yes, you've done the right thing by being silent. Look after yourself. You can't rescue another person in another relationship. That's their business. If you get involved, you risk being not believed, or worse, for instance, this toxic guy coming back into your life with lies/gaslighting/the crazy. Move on - get counselling if necessary. But just live a happy life for yourself. Concentrate on you.

Oops!

Lesson learned and time to move on, time is a healer.

jj880

You did the right thing. You've had a lucky escape from this guy. No kids. No financial baggage. Put it behind you.

Caranica

None of your business. You're responsible for you and your decisions, he's responsible for his.

Speak to a counsellor if you're having trouble moving on but forget about him. Look forward not back.

YellowLead

It’s none of your business and not your problem, the healthy thing to do is move on. Well done for ghosting and blocking, now put him out of your mind and don’t be thinking about him or his girlfriend.

ILoveYourVibes

You did the right thing.

People change.

Its none of your business.

And its healthier for you.

Girl Geraldine

I think you should tell her everything. Send her evidence of his cheating. The texts, photos etc.

He deserves to get dumped.

I would have told him you had found out the truth about him, knew what a liar and cheater he was, and then I would have blocked him with a warning never to attempt to get in touch with you again.

I would not contact his partner.

Have you ever heard the phrase "don't shoot the messenger"? It's more likely if you told her she'd turn on you, rather than on him, or he'll gaslight her that it was you doing all the running. He'll frame you as the scorned woman.

Someday she may find out the truth and come to you with questions, be prepared for if that happens. But otherwise, stay away.

jj880

If Im readin OP correctly you didnt have sex. His gf will be very hurt and upset but will probably eventually forgive him. Or like you said you'll be made to be a head case and not believed. As previous poster says he does deserve to be dumped but I doubt it would just be a case of you send the evidence, he gets dumped and everything is how it should be. Usually ends up messy. You wont be the only one he's at this carry on with. He'll get caught red handed eventually. Just move on.

padjocollins

Listen to some or all of the narcissist apcalypse podcasts , they will help you understand and heal a bit faster. As for himself , he will be found out eventually , and his girlfriend likely will want to keep believing what she wants to see but you could still deliver some info just in case she's ready to jump and save herself. I think in future this type of behaviour will be criminilised but decades away and until then, it's be aware and look out for each other . wishing you the best

HildaOgdenx

Mod Note - Some chitchat deleted.

Posters are reminded that their replies should offer advice to the OP, as per the charter.

Hilda