Full Custody Application before the courts at the moment

Engine No.9

My relationship with my ex broke down 11+ years ago. In all that time, we've maintained a fairly amicable relationship aside from a few arguments about the conditions of her home and it not being habitable or healthy for the kids. I've offered bucketloads of help over the years and when that didn't work, that's when it deteriorated into the arguments. Such that at one point, I tried taking photos of the place so that I could make a welfare report to the authorities. But I was physically assaulted. After calming down a little I said I'd reset and try again. This was a continuous cycle over the years.

However, having spent every other Christmas at their home to spend a family time with my kids, I refused to do so this year unless the conditions of the house were improved significantly. Every year it'd be me going over there Christmas Eve spending the night cleaning and preparing a dinner, including one for my ex's new boyfriend (a really nice guy as it happens). I just refused to do it this year. The house doesn't have running hot water due to the immersion being broken and my ex not leaving the council in to fix it due to the conditions of the house. They also don't have a working cooker, only preparing meals in a microwave. I just couldn't do it any more. Again, offers of help were given, I didn't allow it to deteriorate into an argument this time. All offers were rejected or ignored. I had Christmas with my kids 3 days beforehand this year. However, I haven't seen my kids since then aside from 2 days 3 weeks ago after my father passed away.

I'm being completely alienated from my children. I told my ex that if I didn't get to see my kids or know that serious efforts were being made to improve the children's living conditions, I would be left with no option but to get TUSLA involved. That message went unanswered and ignored. I didn't see my kids and no confirmation that the conditions had been improved. She called my bluff, so I did make the report to TUSLA, finally.

TUSLA lifted me out of it for not reporting my concerns sooner. A few weeks passed and she refused to engage with TUSLA, even going so far as to go to the TUSLA regional office to make a complaint about the social workers on her case. As the social worker said to me, if she had gotten a different social team, she would be in serious trouble as they'd have removed the children (17, 15, & 13). In conversations my current partner has had with my kids since then, there has been no acknowledgement of any problems in the home, even going so far as to say that there are NO problems. My ex came home while that call was going on and she took the phone off the kids and proceeded to abuse my girlfriend making threats and accusations.

At that point I knew there would be no learnings from this on their end. So I decided to instruct my solicitor to change the access application I had lodged into one of full custody. We had that initial access hearing last Monday. A section 20 report was ordered (assumable for the custody application) and a section 32 for the Access application.

The reason for providing all of the above is because I know there tends to be some stigma attached to guys trying to take children off their ex's, so I wanted to paint a picture that accurately shows what's going on. Of course, this is only one side, so you only have my word for that.

So now, my questions.... Section 20 reports are carried out by the HSE as far as I can tell. How long should I expect before I hear from them to carry out the report on my end? Our next court date is May 5th. Should I expect that it'll be within the next week or 2? I know that these reports can take weeks to compile. In my mind, I'd ideally like to get this sorted sooner rather than later. If custody is awarded to me, I'd much rather it be done before the end of the summer as the kids live in a different county and would require changing schools etc... I'm going mad with anxiety and I can't get answers off my solicitor's office.

With regard to the section 32, is this incorporated into the section 20? Or does a new set of social workers carry this out?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

I'm not sure of the answer to your specific question regarding the Section 32.

Even though you broke up a long time ago, I would suggest reposting in the Separation and Divorce Forum. There are more fathers posting there, and you'll also get some information on a support group that meets weekly.

But I do want to say I personally think you are doing the right thing, and I think your children will realise this also - maybe not immediately, but in time.

Yuanli

I support every decision you make. You have considered before doing that. So no need to regret it.

mohawk

OP I know what you mean in terms of the stigma that goes on with fathers and mothers in family court. However, there are terrible parents out there with full custody of children and those childless should be living with other parent. None of us knows what goes on behind those court room doors. (I know my ex isn’t going to admit to people he was caught lying in court).

Just be very mindful that given the ages of the children they will have a big say in how this goes. It sounds like they are at tricky ages in terms of moving schools and so might not be happy with the idea of upheaval. Remember also that what a child grows up with becomes normal to them so don’t be surprised if they don’t see issues with their mother.

If your Ex is incapable of providing a decent home for the children and you can then they should have moved in with you long ago for their own best interests.

Centre the children’s best interests in all this and be honest and open with them (don’t ever slag off their mother and that is very hurtful for them).

The section 32 doesn’t have to be social workers at all. It was done by a private consultant (not HSE) and can take a few months to get going as these reports take time. They aren’t always ready in time for next court date. It’s a frustrating, stressful process.

GarfieldandPookyBear

A section 32 is done by an independent assessor. A good solicitor can push it through in a few weeks but you will pay for their time doing that. They will interview you all separately and most likely in your homes. A lot of weight will be put on what your children want at this stage given their ages. Just be honest and be prepared to answer how you will manage school runs, homework, activities etc. Judges don’t have time to get to know you all. They will usually go with whatever the assessor recommends.

Moonbeam

Is her house a mess or dirty ? Are the kids fed, clothed and attend school ? Does her boyf have an opinion on the kids and house ? What do the kids say ?

the 17 year old must have an opinion or do they fill a parental role ? have you asked the kids if they would like it live with you ?

Oh my god that's a horrible situation to be in. You have the interests of your children to worry about. Similar situation with a friend of mine, 1 child involved. Ex partner mentally unstable, making false accusations to garda. My friend was investigated for months before tusla coped on to what was really happening. Stay strong it will all come good in the end, but very draining none the less.

xzanti

"TUSLA lifted me out of it for not reporting my concerns sooner. A few weeks passed and she refused to engage with TUSLA, even going so far as to go to the TUSLA regional office to make a complaint about the social workers on her case. As the social worker said to me, if she had gotten a different social team, she would be in serious trouble as they'd have removed the children (17, 15, & 13). In conversations my current partner has had with my kids since then, there has been no acknowledgement of any problems in the home, even going so far as to say that there are NO problems. My ex came home while that call was going on and she took the phone off the kids and proceeded to abuse my girlfriend making threats and accusations."

So your current girlfriend called the house and tried to get information from the children to support your case that they were unhappy? Which was unsuccessful as they didn't seem unhappy. Their mother came home and got angry that your girlfriend had called them to get information about their lives. Ok.

Your eldest children are old enough to get on a bus or train and go to your home if they're unhappy. Unless there's some sort of Stockholm Syndrome situation at play here. Your eldest is old enough to start driving come to think of it. He/she is almost an adult.

Lack of hot water is a huge inconvenience but is not the making of an unhappy home. In my most humble opinion of course. Is there an electric shower that you have omitted from your OP? Just asking.