Lonely at 35

Fed_up_2023 · 23-03-2023 4:26pm #1

I broke up with my boyfriend of a year last week. I guess technically it was him who broke up, but we both knew he wasn't ready or didn't want to get serious. He was a lovely guy but had many issues of his own and had major commitment issues. I feel like he led me on a bit with making me think he was open to children, until he wasn't, but that's neither here nor there. The bigger issue was that he couldn't or didn't feel able to give me things that I want, children being just one.

I'm sure this is a familiar type of thread, but I just feel so deflated, sad and fed up. I'm a nearly 36 year old woman who wants children, and feel like I have to start reckoning with the fact that that may not happen, and what does that life look like. It just makes me so sad, and of course I'm at that age where everyone seems to be settling down, getting married, having kids. All the usual stuff! I am also really, really struggling with working from home practically 100% of the time. I think it's so unhealthy for a person mentally, long-term. My manager and team are sound but don't seem bothered about being together regularly as a team, and anyway, I might be ready for a change in company too anyway.

I'm lucky to have my own house, and will focus on renting out a room pretty quickly (it needs some work, but my ex and I never lived together and this has been on my to-do list). I have friends and things to keep busy with, but there is also a lot of alone time. GirlCrew or something like that would be ideal for right now, but I believe that's gone bust. Does anyone have any suggestions for how to keep busy and meet new people after a breakup, in your 30s? I don't want to just focus on dating, because I think the pressure women put on themselves to hang all their happiness on the next guy they meet, especially at this age, can be overwhelming.

I have zero relationship with either of my siblings, and that also weighs very heavily on my mind as I get older. My parents are lovely but they're in their mid-70s now. I am a mentally resilient and positive person in general, but I feel very anxious and down at the moment, along with missing my ex. Any advice welcome, thanks for reading.

SuperBowserWorld · 23-03-2023 4:52pm

You can be married with kids and still feel very lonely and have loads of other problems marriage and kids can bring.

You are still young, have a house and your parents are still alive and only mid 70s.

Forget about making friends with people in work.

Make a list of things you enjoy and go do them. Especially do things that involve people in the real world, not virtually. Who knows what will happen and who you might meet.

Don't worry about what others think.

And just have a cup of tea and chill.

rob316 · 23-03-2023 5:08pm

You've got your own house and career so you are doing well there and ignore the guff around having kids your still young. I would look at what are your interests? Do as much as you can socially and activities and you will meet people. You mentioned a change in company and getting away from WFH, I think that would be a great start. WFH suits lots especially with families but as a single person living alone it sounds soul destroying.

Just be positive and put yourself out there.

wotzgoingon · 23-03-2023 5:15pm

Regarding your age and wanting kids I'd look into professional help regarding having kids at a older age.

Regarding the other things you are still young so no need to worry.

Larbre34 · 23-03-2023 5:26pm

You are a young woman. Perhaps your recent experience has left you exhausted and low and that has given rise to negativity about aspects of your life and future, including where you are at the age you are and that's completely understandable.

But you are young. You are also accomplished, you are important and you are valuable.

You think you might be ready to change company? That means you are. Concentrate on it, make it happen.

You are feeling lonely and anxious? Then surround yourself with positive people doing something you enjoy. This has several benefits. Its a distraction, its positive interaction, its an opportunity to meet new friends or new lovers and it takes up the time where anxiety can creep in and cause harm.

I've heard that the definition of happiness is threefold. Something to do, something to look forward to and someone to love. Now thats easier said than done, but in my experience, focusing on any one or two of those can help the third fall into your lap, because you will be busy, occupied and optimistic.

So what to do? If work is detached and lonely now, find a group interest at least 3 or 4 times a week that makes up for long days WFH. Volunteer for a charity or local community group, take up a sport recreationally, get involved with people who like the things you like, whether its cinema or theatre or books or music or wine tasting or cooking, literally anything at all where kindred spirits may be found. They will give you stimulation and confidence and that bit of self-worth that may be lacking just now.

You sound to me that you have a lot going for you, I hope you find yourself enjoying a fuller life soon and that you feel happier and more content. At the same time, embrace the pain of your circumstances, face it, go through it and let it take its course, while looking after yourself with a few of those actions I mentioned above.

All the best.

lisabiscuit · 23-03-2023 6:03pm

Look into freezing your eggs now if having children is something you really do want. You are still young enough to meet someone who wants the same things as you but having them there frozen might take the pressure off. And also if you dont meet someone you coukd still successfully go it alone. It's not as expensive as you might think. I have a friend who recently did just that. Was waiting to meet someone but didn't happen. Told her gp if she didn't meet someone by 40 she would go it alone and was recommended not too wait till 40. Sorry might be off track a bit there!

You sound lovely with some great things going for you. Its definitely better to be on your own that with someone who is just not right.

Best of luck to you!

Big Bag of Chips · 24-03-2023 7:57am

What are your interests? What did you enjoy as a child that you've given up or let slip because you're an adult? There are loads of things you can do. Take up a musical instrument. Loads of places do adult group lessons. Join a drama group/musical society. You don't ever have to appear on stage if it's not your thing - backstage is where the fun is anyway! There's Gaelic4mothers&others (you don't have to be a mother, and you don't have to have ANY previous football experience). Volunteer with your local branch of scouts. Join a dance class.

I do believe working from home has isolated a lot of people. One of my friends quit her job recently and went working in a huge company with no working from home! The change in her is visible now that she has interaction with people.

It can be all consuming when you feel you are on the outside looking in at everyone else. And you desperately want what you see they have. But you are in a position that others would envy! You, for now, are your own agent. You can do whatever you want. Go wherever you want without needing to consider or organise someone else. Have a look in your local area at groups and organisations that you think might interest you and make contact with a few. They won't all work out, but maybe one will - and who knows what direction it will take your life.

Bestcat · 24-03-2023 8:18am

I came across a group on Facebook called Sister Sheds. They seem to arrange activities and meet ups, a bit like Girl Crew. Check if there is one in your area.

24-03-2023 10:19am

The break up is very fresh so it is natural you have alot of emotion spinning around.

I was similar in that I had a break up at 35 (he also had his issues) and completely turned around my perspective. I learned to be very comfortable and happy with myself first, changed jobs (im a little different in that I love working from home) have a great social circle and then at 36 meet someone amazing, someone I probably wouldnt have if I didnt shift that mindset.

We are in the process of buying our home, planning a family. It's not too late at 35 at all.

Rent out a room if you feel some company would be nice but be super careful in the person you choose and focus on yourself for a bit.

lainey_d_123 · 24-03-2023 12:21pm

I was exactly where you are two years ago, OP. It was during the pandemic, so I wasn't really able to move on, either. I haven't met anyone else, largely because I was trying to keep myself safe from Covid, and now I've caught the blasted virus, and am even more wary of getting back out there.

What I will say is that I realised I didn't think I was actually suited to having kids at all, and have pretty much decided not to do it. I think rather than truly wanting them, I had been brainwashed by society to think I had no other purpose in life. I realised that I'm a very stressed, anxious person, and that I would find the entire pregnancy, birth and parenting experience just too much for me. I also became an auntie during the pandemic, and that made a big difference to my mindset too. Now I have a child in my life I can love and spoil and dote on, and I can do it whenever I feel like it! No sleepless nights or sacrifices or hardship. We just have a lovely time together when we see each other.

I have taken this time to really get to know myself, think about what's important to me, and accomplish some life goals. I finally paid off the student loan that was hanging over me, I bought a flat, I learned some useful new skills at work. I was able to just focus and get on with stuff without the usual relationship or dating worries hanging over me. I spent more time with family than I usually would have. I went on a couple of dream holidays last year. Looking back, I accomplished so much last year, and I don't think I would have if I'd been fretting about meeting someone.

I've also met some new people through Meetup groups, and they are really nice and positive. I joined a hiking group and went on some great hikes I wouldn't have done alone for safety reasons. That really helped my mental health, to be out in the fresh air and in gorgeous scenery.

I do worry about my age, and I'm well aware dating is only going to get harder and harder the older I get, but I just don't think I was ready before. I think sometimes rushing into a new relationship can be counter productive in the long run. Of course, it's easier for me to say this knowing I likely don't want kids and don't have the same biological clock worries, but there are still options in that regard like freezing eggs.

YellowLead · 24-03-2023 12:43pm

There’s a speed friending festival on this Sunday in the grand social, tickets are available on event rite. If you join Meetup and the Dublin social life group they are 4.50.

It seems cringe but I was half thinking of heading along myself. I could do with more single friends. I’m 38 - like you I became single at 35 and a few months later covid hit.

You’re still very young, and I think you have the right attitude when it comes to not putting all your focus on dating. Panic dating is never healthy and I’ve seen it go horribly wrong. I’m on dating apps and there are still plenty of guys who want children (it’s a problem for me because I have a 19 year old and don’t want more so I date a good bit older than me).

What everybody is saying is actually the best idea - take up a hobby and join clubs. Research first - I joined a tennis club and outside of tennis there was no social activity, yet I know of several where they organise things every single weekend, including trips away. Even if you don’t make friends from your hobby/class - it will be one evening a week or whatever when you are out of the house mixing with others. And hey, you might organically meet somebody.

Best of luck, it’s really tough for women that this age thing is a factor and covid really stole a few years for many. But you have your house sorted, big plus. Deffo change your job - when you live alone working from home all the time is not healthy.

Best of luck, remember you are not alone in feeling like this.

Airyfairy12 · 24-03-2023 1:11pm

I just want to say that I know several people who are in long term relationships with children & from the outside everything looks wonderful but the partners are miserable together, cheat on each other all the time, lie to one another & are with each other for superficial reasons. Just keep it in mind, the grass is not always greener on the other side.

I wonder if you have any pets? They really make a house a home and give you so much love. Im close to your age & if I had my own home id have dogs & cats & rabbits & probably a few farm animals out the back but if thats not an option for you, as someone who works from home, you could probably work anywhere in the world, 'from home' doesnt have to mean your house or town, why dont you head off to another city for a few months & rent out your house, have a few new experiences?

I understand youre going through a hard time at the minute & experiencing some existential anxiety but you have so much to be grateful for. Youre young, healthy, with a stable job that offers you the ability to work from home which in itself creates endless oppertunities, you have your own home!! The country is full of working adults your age that are still living with their parents because they cant even afford to rent, theyre basically living like 15 year olds, cant even bring someone home after a night out never mind even consider the possibility of children or a long term partner. Can I suggest you spend some time volunteering in your community, not only will this introduce you to more people, expanding your social network but it will also give you the chance to see the lives of others & put things into perspective.

Fed_up_2023 · 24-03-2023 8:12pm

Hi everyone, OP here. Thanks so much for all the responses, I really really appreciate putting time and effort into providing such kind and thoughtful replies. There's some really good advice there. I went to an event yesterday evening where I didn't really know anyone, won't give too much detail but it had like-minded people there and was good fun. There is no substitute really for being around other humans and having genuine interactions with them. We are all the same! Everyone just wants connection in some form and to not feel alone in this world. Sorry, don't mean to go all philosophical! But it was a night where I could have sat in on the couch and I didn't, and I feel proud of that. My appetite has also plummeted the last week but I feel very little desire for alcohol, and am exercising plenty, so trying to stay in that mindset of looking after my body and not wallowing in junk food and booze, which always just feels so pointless to me when I am properly sad.

I agree about having the house- I feel so, so fortunate in that regard. I was that person living at home for many years who couldn't date properly, during covid- again, same as lots of people. It definitely feels like a major milestone and I'm very aware that I'd feel even worse if I was still stuck living at home. I am really just going to try keep as busy as possible, be around people as much as possible, and try to be present in the moment as much as I can, and not think decades ahead! None of us knows what the future holds, it's up to us to try shape it as much as we can.

I can feel a little anger bubbling up at my ex- but a healthy amount. I definitely prefer this to the idealisation stage. I wish him well, but I deserve so much better than someone so flaky. We all do.

24-03-2023 8:17pm

Try Meetup app, there are a fair few interest groups there from coding to hill-walking.

oldfriend213sf · 28-03-2023 8:51am

Sorry about your situation OP.

I found myself in a similar situation at a similar age a few years ago. The two biggest things that helped me were investing in therapy long-term and going for a fertility check.

Like many people, I started therapy thinking my issue was one thing and then realising that "the thing was not about the thing." There was a lot of childhood trauma to unpack and ways of living I had adapted to survive that were working against me in my adult life. Including the relationships I was having, but also friendships, my choice of job and approach to work, so many things. They all added up to me being pretty depressed in my daily life and feeling like I had no control over my life. I sat weekly with a therapist for years (and still do - three years later) and it was / is the best investment I've ever made in myself. It taught me how to live differently, how to put my own wants and needs first and how to be OK on my own - which funnily enough, took the dating pressure off and led to me meeting an amazing partner a few years later.

The fertility check is important. Mid 30s are milestone years for this, and you want to understand exactly what your chances are. Doing this gave me peace of mind; but I'm a little older now and have seen that sudden drop in ovarian reserve that we all hear about as women. Having this information has allowed us as a couple to consider our options if pregnancy doesn't happen naturally (and it may do - we are early days at trying). Information is power in this regard: and women have so many options if they choose to go it alone these days. I would start with a GP check / bloods and then find a reputable fertility specialist to start the process with.

And finally - go easy on yourself. I know how difficult a breakup is, especially when you're at an age where you feel like these big life events are supposed to happen. It's really hard. But you are a valuable, worthy woman who deserves great things just like anyone else. And that all starts with how you view and treat yourself. Best of luck x