Help!! Am I being selfish booking a vasectomy when my wife wants a child?

Oscarsmekat

Am I being selfish booking a vasectomy when my wife wants a child? I would be most grateful for some opinions on my predicament.

I have detailed a little bit of background for context.( Two sides to every story, But I have been as honest as I can )

My wife and I are married a relatively short time. ( One and a half years ). Before we got married we spoke about having kids and my wife said she would like kids but if it didn't happen, It didn't happen so to speak. Anytime thereafter "Kids" came up in conversation be it just the two of us or with company my answer was always....No Way! I very clearly told her I did not want any more children as I have 2 from a previous relationship, one of whom who is special needs ( Down's Syndrome ). Both of them are hitting their late teens age wise and they come to stay with us sometimes.

Before marriage my wife and I got on great and I fell head over heels. She was very loving to me and my teens, life was good. I'm getting on in years and never married before so I said sure why not as we had been dating for a year and a half. Life was peaceful. I felt really loved so I popped the question and we married a few months later.

Day one of my married life my new wife was in a bad mood because I didn't shoot the bullet so to speak in the right spot for baby making! Pulling out for want of a better set of words! Which as I may add,was always the norm to date and never an issue. I'm married a day and I thought it odd but it passed. Honeymoon a few days later( Only a couple of days away, COVID restrictions ) and I got food poisoning for good measure. Needless to say there was not a ton of sex, but there was sex none the less. Same endings as before marriage. She was in a bad mood again for almost the entire trip and we were in silence on the way home. Since that day until present, My wife has become ever more distant and cold to me and my teens.

Sex is rare!!!!!!!! Affection hugs and kisses only seem to come from me to her. Fighting is evermore present and they are starting to go from days to weeks now. It's crazy. No matter what an argument started about, It always ended up with her being unhappy that she didn't have kids. This is her reasoning for becoming withdrawn, short tempered and moody.

Until recently It's been 3 weeks of not talking and a few squabbles. Separate rooms. She said she wanted to leave and find someone who will make her happy because she said she deserves that. I told her if thats what she wanted then she should go as i just cannot take this constant battling with no more than a week or two of something that resembles peace. Not really what I wanted to hear but when she calmed down and told me that it said in anger and admitted that she needed to manage her moods better and was going to try make some changes. She said she wanted to stay and try to make things work.The one thing she didn't talk about was having kids this time around.

Enough of the nitty gritty!

In the last few days I have decided to have a vasectomy and I have it booked for the near future. In my mind it is the only answer to finally put this subject to bed.

My reasoning is that I honestly don't want to have any more children for the following reasons. My age, I just don't have the energy, my wife's age, I'm trying to save for a house, cost of kids and the my fear of birth defects and risks to my wife's health as well. We are both on the slightly older scale of things "Child wise", I'm 53 and my wife is 43 and never had children.

I'm an honest guy and wear my heart on my sleeve, say it as it is and hide nothing. I have told my wife about the booking and she is now not talking to me. No mood as such but I know she is upset and has told me she needs time to think about things.I feel like I'm being selfish, she says I don't care but I just can't bring myself around to having another child.

In simple terms, Am I being wrong,selfish,an asshole and a bad husband for wanting to get this vasectomy?

MrMusician18

If you go ahead with it your marriage is over.

If you are content with that, proceed

Edit: Just to add, from what you've said is that the understanding before marriage was "if it happens, it happens". That to me means that you will not actively try(no ovulation tests, no fertility treatment etc), but at the same time not take measures to hinder it happening naturally either. So from her perspective, engaging in coitus interruptus, or getting a vasectomy is a breach of that understanding.

California Dreamer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120381816#Comment_120381816

And if he doesn't go ahead with it, is the marriage not over anyway going on the OPs description of sex life, not talking etc?

MrMusician18

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120381824#Comment_120381824

Yeah, it's also over if things stay the same. Classic case of misaligned expectations over what is a deal maker/breaker for most couples.

TheadoreT

Your concerns about your respective ages and health risks are completely valid and you say you were clear in your communication beforehand so you've no cause to feel guilty. If anything you're being selfless and not selfish. She's the one who's only thinking about herself.

I'd be very concerned about her treatment of you since you've been married. Her affection seems completely conditional and calculated instead of natural and loving. The fact she's also turned cold towards your children is a poor reflection of her character. She seems to lack basic communication and listening skills, these are horrible traits for a long term partner.

Stop accepting her **** behaviour by chasing affection when she's treating you like crap, she'll only lose further respect for you. Women walk all over nice guys like you because you let them. I hope you at least made smart choices to protect your finances for when this inevitably goes south.

xyz13

Not selfish at all! You were clear from day one.

Goodigal

Hard for both of you. She married late thinking she might have that chance of being a mother. You married because you wanted to experience that part of life and found a loving woman. You said no more children, but from what you wrote, I think maybe she thought she might change your mind. When from your experience with parenthood, you knew it wasn't on the cards. And now it definitely isn't.

Sorry to say but I can't see you marriage surviving this. And from what you have described, it's over already. She's left hurt and disappointed because maybe she thought she'd persuade you to change your mind. You're sticking to your guns for your own good reasons. I admire your honesty in telling her, but it's too late to save the situation. Good luck.

Hannibal_Smith

It's not as if you avoided the conversation before now and avoided answering for fear of her reaction. You've told her from the very start you do not want any more children. She must have been secretly hoping once you got married you'd change your mind.

No, I don't think you're being selfish. You haven't moved the goal posts, youre being consistent. I think you're doing the right thing. She now needs to accept this and stop the emotional blackmail.

Baybay

It sounds to me that your wife entered the marriage with hope, maybe not expectation, of having a family with you. Perhaps you felt you made your feelings about children clear but your wife’s understanding seems to have been different. I’m guessing she’s hurt & betrayed as her hopes have been dashed & she probably feels lied to or at least misled. Doesn’t really encourage a loving & close relationship with anyone, even a new husband.

I don’t know if your marriage can be saved or if either of you want it to by now but perhaps by now the biggest issue is communication & an understanding of where each of you are coming from. Maybe it isn’t about one person making a life altering decision for the other but talking it through & seeing if or how things can work for both.

Igotadose

Don't underestimate how much calculation your wife has done. You have kids entering their teens, one with special needs that will tie you up as long as the child lives, Downs children don't improve with age. Your wife wants that 'marriage-affirming baby' in order to ensure your attention.

Get the snip, and think about a lawyer. Sadly like others here I think that's your best bet, especially as you become more involved with your children she'll become more distant.

Your wife also needs to cop on about her prospects for having a bio-child. She's too old. 35 or older pregnancy is high risk, especially first time. And, sadly with your genetic history Downs is very likely.

Adoption is obviously a possibility, but I think if you brought it up to your wife you'd see her true colors right away. She wants the mommy props and the wallet to fund them.

My take in it is that sadly you are not emotionally compatible. She will likely be facing a life without the child that she wants, but maybe she needs to eventually go fine the route of finding a compatible partner with somebody else when the question of motherhood no longer vibes into it. You too would need to subsequently find a partner without this issue in the background if you seek a lady over 50.

mykrodot

I think communication was the key to this. And I mean before now. You should have been adamant that you didn't want more children, its a black and white thing really if you are 53 and she is 43. You are allowed feel this way about it, especially if you have 2 children, one with special needs. She should have been 100% clear with you whether this was a deal breaker or not. Now the goalpoasts and the relationship has changed.

When I was 43 I went through an insatiable desire to have another child, even though I had 2 children in their teens. I would say a lot of this was down to hormones changing. Another part with me was I had lost a child to cancer. In some ways I felt it would be my last chance. I felt it would heal me. I was in a relationship with a single man and he was ambivalent to say the least about having kids. But I did all I needed to do to make sure I got pregnant. And I did. But the pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Our relationship really suffered as I was a nightmare and he wasn't able to give me enough emotional support. It ended.

To this day I am so glad I didn't have a baby with him in my 40's. It would have tied me right up to now and I am a few years older than OP. It was hormones that were dictating everything. I wasn't rational, it became an obsession. I now have 2 little grandkids that have filled that gap and its far better! Life is short and it is tough. Be happy even if it means going it alone. This woman will not make you happy and she is not happy herself. She needs counselling about her own future. Good luck to both of you.

Furze99

Yep, OP - you are being selfish. There's two of you in the marriage and your partner had & has certain expectations that you'll at least try to conceive a baby between you. What you've done and propose to do is not fair on her.

Dial Hard

I think both and neither of you are at fault here, OP. I think she was downplaying her desire to have children before you got married and it doesn't sound to me like you made it super-duper, crystal clear that kids were absolutely not an option for you. You both went into this a bit eyes wide shut, by the sounds of things, both of you kind of hoping that the other person was reading between the lines of what each of you was really saying and coming to the same conclusion, when you were actually talking in complete opposites.

Unfortunately, I don't think your marriage can be saved. As others have said, this is the ultimate deal-breaker, the one thing that can't be compromised on. You can't have half a baby.

Fwiw, my own marriage ended over the same issue, albeit I was the one who didn't want children. I was 100% upfront about this from when we were dating but unfortunately my ex just changed his mind and we had to go our separate ways. It was incredibly difficult, but it was the best (and only) option in the long-run.

Best of luck.

ManOfMystery

I'm surprised at some of the comments here that insinuate you're being selfish or weren't clear with your wife about your intentions.

I've read and re-read your opening post and it is very clear that BEFORE the marriage, your wife was on the fence about children ("if it didn't happen, it didn't happen") and you very explicitly said on more than one occasion that you did not want to have any more children.

And then as soon as you got married - immediately, in fact - her focus suddenly switched to getting pregnant whilst yours remained the same as before.

I'm sure your wife would love children, and she has the right to pursue that if she wants, as any woman should. The biological urge can be overwhelming. But you have been 100% honest and consistent with her from day one and it is very unfair that she suddenly expects your feelings about the situation to change and to constantly have it leading to rows, arguments and moods. I suspect deep down that that she wanted children all along and wasn't entirely honest with you about her strength of feeling, maybe hoping that once you were married and the deal was done that you would just go along with it.

You may have to accept that if she can't handle a future without children, this could just be an incompatibility that neither of you will be able to get past.

Jafin

I think you should have had a discussion about the vasectomy before you booked it, but also you were clear with her from the start that you didn't want more children. I'm sorry but I don't think you're a compatible couple going from what you said here. When one person wants a child and the other doesn't that is pretty much the deal breaker of all deal breakers. It sounds like she hoped getting married would change your mind about having another child and now she has backed herself into a corner.

Given her age, and I hope I don't offend any women by saying this as it is not my intention, is it possible she might be starting to go through pre-menopause? I have just done a very very quick Google search and have read that many women have a surge in oestrogen levels when they start going through pre-menopause, which could mean that she has gone from "if it happens, it happens" to "actually I would like a baby."

Neyite

Your wife is grieving and angry but it's not your fault. She went into the marriage knowing you were clear on not having more kids and thought that you'd change your mind. Deciding to conceive requires consent from both parties involved. You appear to have no idea she was trying for a baby after the wedding. It was a sneaky massive gamble on her part that didn't pay off for her.

Either way, even if you did give in and have a baby with her, I'm not sure that you'd fully recover as a couple. If someone tried to trick me into parenthood I don't think I'd really fully trust them again. It's not what a decent partner does. And if it proved difficult or impossible for her to get pregnant (and stay pregnant until birth) then there will be resentment breeding with blame aimed at you if it's not there already.

So book your vasectomy if that's what you want - but don't be secretive about it. You've never been anything but open and honest with her so continue on dong that. Your reasons are valid and sensible. You have one child in particular who will always be dependent on you and it's right that you plan for that future.

I think you were perfectly clear, but I think your wife was also allowed to change her mind.

Those biological urges can happen at any time and are incredibly strong.

43 is late to have a first baby, but it is not too late to have a baby. My mother had her last baby of 5 at age 44, when my father was 55! A friend of mine just had her first at 42, with her husband who is 52.

I think if you go ahead with the vascectomy, it will end one of two ways.

(a) Your wife will finally accept that she will never be a mother to her own biological child or (b) she will resent you and the marriage will end.

Only you can judge which is most likely, but from the sounds of it...

"She said she wanted to leave and find someone who will make her happy because she said she deserves that."

This is a dealbreaker for her.

89897

You say before marriage she was "if it happens, it happens" after marriage you were a hell no, what was your position before marriage?

I mean things clearly arent good but booking a vasectomy without discussing it with her, for me would be marriage over from my side. However you have very differing wants and needs would indicate its marriage over anyway.

If she really wants kids, she deserves that right and if you really dont, you also deserve that right.

Senature

It seems a little odd that you say you were sure you wanted no more kids and made that clear to your wife, yet you waited until after you got married to have a vasectomy. Why now?

If you don't want another kid, don't have one, but don't expect your wife to be happy that you have decided this for both of you.

For perspective, I am in a long term relationship with a man who was seperated with kids when we met. We have all developed good relationships with each other, but it is difficult and complicated, and emotionally tough in a gazillion ways. You seem to make no acknowledgment of this in your OP.

Being a stepmother who has no biological kids leaves women vulnerable and isolated within their own home and prone to depression. You can google this, plenty of research has been done on it. Everyone focuses on the kids well being while the stepmother's wishes or needs (no matter how small or 'normal') are repeatedly trumped by the perceived needs of others. This is all without any reward of unconditional love from the children, or enjoying the pride in their successes as you are likely excluded from experiencing or celebrating achievements with them. Nobody pats you on the back to say good job, or thanks you for any input you give. On the contrary, you are more likely to be viewed with suspicion, scepticism and criticised.

The point is, your wife has married you, she has committed to you, and your children, one of whom has special needs. She has given herself to you in a way that you have not to her, because you come to the relationship with these responsibilities, which she agreed she would take on for you. There is an imbalance there, that does not seem to be acknowledged or addressed.

Sadly it is hard to see how your relationship will survive now. Maybe you should both go to counselling to get a better understanding of each other's point of view?

crusd

Whats more important to you remaining married to her or not having another child?

Whats more important to her remaining married to you or having a child?

You both need to discuss both these questions together and make your decision on your future or lack thereof together.

In my opinion it was wrong to book the vasectomy before you had the conversation, even if it was a fait acompli that that was what you were going to do.

ChickenDish

The only way your relationship will work is if your wife comes to terms with the fact she will not be a mother. There is no misunderstanding here, your wife went into the marriage knowing how you felt about having another child. Regardless of the biological barriers here, almost every man at your age has no interest in changing nappies or running around after a toddler, with the exception of looking after a gran child for a few hours.

Your wife doesnt get to move the goal posts now that you are married, it would be different if you gave her false hope. If I was in your shoes I'd sit the wife down and let her know if she continues down this path that it will end your relationship (from what you have said, that's where its headed). You obviously love your wife dearly, so you owe it to both of you to lay all the cards on the table again and tell her that its not happening no matter what threats she makes.

Having a vasectomy is your choice, its your body. She doesnt have to like it, but if she wants to remain in a relationship with you, she has to accept it. Your not some 20/30 year old trying to do it behind your wife's back because you dont want childern, your a man in his fifties who has had childern and reared them.

TheadoreT

Even if you were slightly considering having a child (which you clearly aren't) this woman would be the last person you should be having it with.

She clearly doesn't love you that much. There was no marital or honeymoon bliss, she literally used that as the juncture to turn the screw on her plans to start trying for kids. When you denied it(as you said all along) she was no longer interested in any sort of physical relationship with you. So she was likely faking it all along to get you to the point where you were loved up enough to give her what she wants.

If she was attracted or really loved you she'd still be initiating sex or affection, even if she was mad at you. Consider yourself lucky that you don't have kids with her as there's many a man that falls into that trap and ends up with a lifetime of enforced celibacy.

To be honest, if the only contraception you were using was the withdrawal method, you were lucky she didn't get pregnant at some stage before you were married anyway.

So maybe she thought if she did fall pregnant, you wouldn't be too bothered. "If it happens, it happens."

I certainly don't believe it was all a big plan by her to love you up and then trap you into having a baby.

JoChervil

I think the same. She might even be infertile, if she didn't conceive with your very risky method.

And I don't think she had a plan. It might have been simply misunderstanding. Some people think that getting married means setting up a family and family means kids.

I think your fault was not having vasectomy before marriage, so all would be crystal clear. Because what people say and what others hear might be two different things. Your protesting she might have taken as teasing her.

If she was 20 years younger I would say leave her and let her have what she really wants. But it might happen that you split and she still might not have kids at all (because of her age or not meeting soon enough another man). Therefore you need a proper conversation maybe with a professional mediator to come to positive conclusions and then decide, what to do. It would be a shame to ruin a marriage in vain.

Also it might have been that you weren't 100% sure before marriage, while her pressuring you into kids made you positive about it. So it that sense, if you were vague about it, so you have your input in all this mess...

JoChervil

And how your booking a vasectomy is any different to her withdrawing from sex. It is a part of power struggle: I will do what I want and f* you. And solving anything in such an abusive way won't bring any good results.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120384394#Comment_120384394

To be fair this is how I "read" what she was saying too.

That was the approach we had to having kids...I was older, I always said I wanted kids with the right person etc. However I didn't have the consuming need for them that some women seem to experience. I'm not sure I would have gone down the IVF route and adoption was not even a consideration.

However from what you describe she was either downplaying her feelings or maybe wasn't fully aware of how much she actually did want a child.

I'm not sure if there's a way back from this. It's not really a topic you can compromise on.

I would definitely tell her that you were getting the vasectomy and take it from there.... she'll either accept once the anger has worn off or leave.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120384705#Comment_120384705

It couldn't be more different. Even taking chances of pregnancy off the table, the act of pulling out is somewhat undignifying for both parties, especially if older and married. To avoid that alone or use of contraceptives will improve sex(if she's willing that is).

Aside from the fact he should have discussed it before booking, I'm genuinely baffled the OP is getting criticism for this decision.

Idle Passerby

You've got major communication issues. You say you made it clear you didn't want more kids yet she was saying "if it happens it happens" so she was either completely ignoring you or you weren't as clear as you say you were. Either way your both kind of screwed now. Id say the vasectomy is a lesser issue at the moment to figuring out if you even still have a marriage.

She might have already missed her window and she might be OK with never getting pregnant but I doubt you taking the possibility away behind her back will endear her to you. It seems like a relationship ending stalemate to me. You married without having a very necessary discussion.

The OP hasn't said, and doesn't have to say, if any other contraception was in use.

But if I was in a long term relationship with a man and the only method of contraception being used was withdrawal, I would assume he wasn't too concerned about preventing a pregnancy from happening, and would be accepting of one, if it did.

And while having a vascectomy is ultimately the OP's right, it also takes any meaningful say in the decision to have a baby or not away from his wife. He is making the decision not just for himself, but for her too. That is not how marriage is supposed to work.

OP, that is never going to end well. But I wish you the both the best.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120384865#Comment_120384865

He gets criticism because he is treating his wife like an object with no feelings. If people care about each other they try to make another person to understand fully, what they want and even let them to make a decision to leave the marriage. But after thorough discussion and full understanding that there is no way for them to stay together with so different needs. Booking the vasectomy and just announcing it to his wife, he is doing it by force. And feels more like a revenge.

OP, why did you get married? You wife probably expected that you would give yourself fully to her then and with your withholding, she realised that it won't be the case. Your wife might not even want kids but she might want you to have such an option open for her, like that she is good enough to be a mother of your kids. And makes her equal to the mother of your kids.

I remember my ex once expressed his desire to have kids with me and it was the biggest compliment someone could have told me.

BTW I don't have kids but this expressed desire meant a lot to me.

Liamario

I understand why you don't want kids, but to be fair your wife never said she didn't want them. She just said if it happens it happens, not that she was against the idea. By the sounds of things, this relationship is already in difficulty and having kids will not solve it one way or the other.

Caranica

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120384943#Comment_120384943

I'd also be really unhappy. The withdrawal method has always made me feel cheap, couldn't have imagined it on my wedding night. Plenty of more effective contraception methods.

Like another poster OP, I was in a not entirely dissimilar situation with the genders reversed (no prior kids though) and like that poster it resulted in the end of my marriage. There really is no way to resolve such polar differences on this one issue. At least one person will always hold it against the other.

YellowLead

OP when your wife said to you before marriage ‘if it happens it happens’ - what was your response? It should have been - well no it won’t happen because I 100% DON’T want more kids. I feel like you didn’t make that clear to her because you wanted to keep her sweet, hoping she wasn’t that bothered and it would all just blow over. She clearly did the same, didn’t make it clear how much she wanted kids or at least wanted to try even of the result wasn’t a baby.

You got married after dating for 1.5 years was it? It seems like you didn’t get to know each other well enough to communicate with full honesty. Even if your wife changes her mind I can’t see this relationship every recovering because trust will have been lost.

marilynrr

Anytime thereafter "Kids" came up in conversation be it just the two of us or with company my answer was always....No Way!

What was she saying in those one on one conversations?

If someone is saying "no way" to kids but using the withdrawal method only then I can see how she might have thought you'd be ok with it despite you saying "no way".

It seems like you were both in a bit of denial and unfortunately will both suffer the consequences now as the marriage might not survive this. The next couple of years would be likely to be very difficult while she still believes there's a chance she would be able to have a baby.

Big Bag of Chips

It does seem quite the leap to go from no contraception at all to a vasectomy. Obviously communication is an issue between you both, because you both felt you were letting the other know what you were thinking. Turns out neither of you heard what the other was saying.

I would also question your timing of the vasectomy. You're mid-50s and have known for quite a while you definitely didn't want any children. Why not have the vasectomy a few years ago? You've been with your wife a relatively short time not using any contraception at all and are now jumping to vasectomy.

I think you think you were clear. But obviously you weren't. If the love you have for each other is strong enough you will come through this and spend the rest of your lives together. But you need to communicate with each other. And be honest. But also be gentle. You are a couple who love each other. You wouldn't want to deliberately hurt each other. So maybe take some of the harsher replies on here and soften them a bit.

Often on the internet people go straight to the hard-line responses. Forgetting that these are actual people, with real life relationships and emotions. If you love your wife, talk to her. Don't issue threats and ultimatums. She's your wife. The person you decided to live the rest of your life with. Remember that when you're talking.

Mod - Post deleted.

Warning applied for off-topic rant.

Daisy78

I think you are being incredibly selfish. You met and married a younger woman, expected her to care for you and your two kids without having her own needs met? Really? I think your marriage is over to be honest. Sounds like you have been very deceitful with her from the start.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120402101#Comment_120402101

Ah now I think that's a bit unfair.

She was around 39 when they met , from a reproductive point of view that's geriatric! (If she was 29 you'd have a point)

She also went into the relationship with eyes open , she knew how old he was and that he already had a special needs child.

The science is there that the older the egg and sperm is the more chance of risky pregnancies, special needs babies etc.

The fact that he already has a special needs child is going to increase those odds.

Personally if I was childless at 39 but wanted a baby, I wouldn't be dating a man 10 years my senior. Children are exhausting, I know people do it , but a newborn in your 50's just sounds like absolute madness to me.

ILoveYourVibes

If you want to end your marriage go have that vasectomy. It's that simple.

She will leave you. In fact she will probably hate you.

But go ahead its your choice.

Sunny Disposition

If her attitude was if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen, I'd imagine she wanted you to stop pulling out OP, and did feel you'd be up for having a chlld with her if it happened. Obviously she'd never have a child if you didn't ejaculate in her.

It sounds like the level of communication between you is very poor. I'd hope the two of ye can resolve it, but it's hard to see how.

Girl Geraldine

The marriage is over. Finish it.

Having a baby in your 50s is absolute lunacy of the highest order and totally irresponsible.

Dump her and she gan find someone.

the_pen_turner

OP . your marrage is over. leave the vacectamy and baby issue one side. look how she is treating you and your 2 kids. thats emotional maniputation and bordering on the emotional side of domestic abuse. not talking to you for days or weeks, cold shoulder and arguments over small stuff. she is not someone you want to be married to let alone have a kid with.

personally i dont see any way to fix the baby issue. even if there was why would you want to given how she is acting. its clear she had it in her head that once the wedding was done a baby was next. who is right and who is wrong on the comunication point doesnt matter. either side has polerised views that are no compatible with each other.

the only way to save your marrage is to give her what she wants but your setting your self up for a lifetime of misery , you have seen her true colours . that wont change.

Canterelle

"Before we got married we spoke about having kids and my wife said she would like kids but if it didn't happen, It didn't happen so to speak."

This. Why did you not make it clear to her that kids were NOT a possibility. Not being honest with her on such a major issue has obviously hurt her deeply. it seems you knew she wanted children. I hope you work it out.

rob316

Marriage is over either way, both clearly want different things. Children is just not something you can compromise on. Her treatment of you is pretty poor and conditional too it seems. Major major red flags about continuing this marriage if you gave into her with a baby.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120469770#Comment_120469770

And she didn't make it an absolute red line either, she said "if it happens it happens". Both weren't clear on what they wanted

Girl Geraldine

Its simple. End it.

OSI

"she would like kids but if it didn't happen, It didn't happen"

It feels really odd to me that someone would hear this and not know that meant the other person wanted to at least try for children. After our first child my wife and I both said we'd like a second but "if it didn't happen, it didn't happen". That didn't mean neither of us wanted a second child, it meant we would actively try but we wouldn't consider it as a significant hole in our lives if we weren't successful in having a second child after giving it a good go.

Beta Ray Bill

Hi OP

Sounds like you two got your wires crossed. For me, when a woman says:

but if it didn't happen, It didn't happen

What that actually means is: If it doesn't happen because she's 43 years old, and may have issues getting pregnant and carrying the baby the full term. Not what you have interpreted it as "We don't have to have kids if you don't want to try for them"

I think if I was 53 I wouldn't want kids. Like when that kid is 18, you'll be over 70. I don't think it's selfish at all, I think it's common sense.

That being said however, there is a growing cohort of women that for one reason or another are leaving it VERY late to have kids. I begs the question: "If she wants kids so bad, what has she been doing the last 25 years?"

A similar question applies to you "Why have you waited 15+ years to get a vasectomy if you didn't want more kids?"

I get they are both very harsh questions.

Like a previous poster said, if you go through with the procedure, you marriage is over. It may be better to cut her loose though. You can break it off and both move on with your lives or stay together and have this resentment hanging over you for ever. (she's not gonna change her mind at this stage).

Danzy

God yeah, your are treating her worse than a dog.

Man up. If you can't be a decent person then divorce her.

When she finds out the depth of your betrayal that is what she will have to do.

Mod - Warning applied.

Replies are expected to be mature, civil and well phrased. Remember you are speaking to a real person who has posted a problem that is impacting them.

Read the charter before posting on this forum again.

Fian

You have no obligation to father a child. You may have been less honest with her than you should have been before the marriage, it's not entirely clear but if you gave her the impression you were open to having a child with her tat was unfair, but that does not impose any obligation on you to father a child if you don't want to.

I expect most of the people piling on to OP for not being willing to impregnate his wife would be quick to say "her body her choice" if he felt entitled to insist she get pregnant against her wishes. I realise there is some distinction - and I certainly would not suggest that anyone is entitled to insist a woman would get pregnant against her wishes, but the principle remains the same on the other side as well - he is entitled to get a vasectomy if he wishes to or to refuse to father another child if he does not want to.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - As the OP has not returned to the thread for quite some time, I am closing it off at this point.

Hilda