Sad, lonely, angry and resentful of my wife. I don't know how to fix it.

ThrowAway_PI

I've added a TLDR at the end.

I'm in my early 40s, male. I met my wife (same age) in 2002 and we married in 2007. The other night I had to confess to her (at my therapists urging) that I am extremely unhappy and that I have been for quite a long time. I have asked that we attend marriage counselling to try to save the marriage but she isn't totally receptive to that idea, fearing she will get the blame. 

Some background. The past year or so I've been dealing with the effects of stress. Doctor has given me a clean bill of health, physically at least. It came to a point about 6 weeks ago when I requested the help of the employee assistance section in work, as I was afraid my performance was going to be compromised. I've had a number of therapy sessions in the weeks since.

I went to the therapist thinking that I knew the cause of the stress. My son [10] has been having some behavioural issues the past couple of years that has been extremely draining, painful and a cause of stress in the home. Over the course of a couple of sessions, it became clear to me that I've been expertly burying a lot of painful feelings and issues for the past 10 years or more. All of these buried emotions are now bubbling to the surface and it hasn't been good. At all. I can very quickly summarise these issues;

1. When we first met, she refused to have sex. This comes from a religious upbringing. It would all be different after we married she promised.
2. We married in 2007 but it wasn't until 2009 we had sex and that was only after specialist counselling. And conveniently when she decided she wanted a baby. Our sex life since has been very unfulfilling. I'd say last year we had sex about 3 or 4 times.
3. After my mother died 2011, I discovered that my dad had even more affairs than I knew of and more children than I knew. I stopped communicating with him but he has never reached out in that time. Now, maybe I might not have been receptive to him but now I realise it has caused me pain that he never even tried. 
4. Our house had pyrite rendering it valueless and falling apart structurally. After years of fighting with the government scheme bureaucracy, I did get this redressed but it was years of me seemingly fighting this on my own. Very little support from my wife, who was happy to let me get on with it. 
5. I had hip surgery in 2013 to rectify hip impingement. A birth condition I was unaware of until it started causing pain. Since 2013, I've lived with chronic pain since due to arthritis of the hip. As you can imagine, this just drains you physically after a while. Silently though, as I honestly try my best never to complain about it. 
6. The aforementioned behavioural issues of my son. 

Since unpacking all that with the therapist I've been feeling incredibly low and emotional. I would consider myself someone who doesn't show emotion easily but the past few months I'm breaking down in front of people, but not my wife for some reason. 

I believe the biggest issue out of this is that I have a lot of anger towards my wife for those years without sex. I hope that doesn't sound too... shallow. I mean we were both young, it should have been a time of excitement and exploration. A time neither of us will ever get back. I don't know how to process this anger. All I know is that now, it refuses to stay buried. 

I can say those years changed me. I'm not an affectionate person, but that wasn't the case before. It's a defence mechanism according to the therapist. I put myself out there for so long, only to be rejected time and again and now I'm just protecting myself. I do yearn for a closeness that I see in some of our friends relationships but that is totally absent, and I get the blame for that from my wife. But why should I look for affection from the person who has hurt me so much. 

Divorce really isn't a practical option here. As far as I can tell, it would boil down to one of the two of us ending up homeless and in 99% of cases that will mean the male. And that doesn't seem like an equitable solution to me. 

As to the inevitable question as to why I put up with it in the beginning, I don't know what to say. That was a tough question from the therapist too. Honestly, it is probably from a feeling a lack of self esteem / worth. 

What options am I left with, counselling wise? How does one deal with this kind of anger and resentment? 

TLDR

Attending therapist to tackle stress and unpacked a lot of unresolved issues over past decade or more. Feeling extremely unhappy, angry and with a growing sense resentment towards my wife. Main issue being her not wanting to have sex for many years. How do I deal with these feelings? Should I be looking for a specific type of marriage counselling?

Sunny Disposition

I do feel for you. I think the least you deserve is for your wife to give the counselling a go. It sounds like you've put your own issues and feelings aside for a long time, but they do need to be dealt with now.

89897

I feel for you OP, its a long time to be holding in and holding back. You absolutely deserve for your wife to go to counselling but i can see why you wife fears being blamed, you are blaming her.

When you met did she refuse to have sex or did she tell you she doesnt want sex before marriage due to her religious reasons and you accepted? It seems like her only being able to do it after seeing a specialist shows some deep seeded sex shame or fear, Has she ever been the victim of SA at all?

You've been holding back for so long its natural that its bubbling up now. I think you really need to push on getting both of you to therapy but you do need to show her its not to blame her and for you both to work on the relationship, if you're showing her anger and resentment shes hardly going to be inclined to cooperate.. If as you say theres no way out then what other option do you have?

ThrowAway_PI

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120352753#Comment_120352753

I suppose I am blaming her. I was patient, too patient. Its so complicated now with a home, a child. I feel sick when I think of how this has all turned out, and the decision I made to stick with her. I just have to think of my son now.

When we met, she was reluctant to have sex. I thought fair enough, don't push too hard. Then it transpired that she felt she was physically incapable of doing it. She would try, get uneasy and quit. That went on for the longest time. No history of SA.

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120353052#Comment_120353052

You do directly say you are angry and resentful towards her and I understand that. However you did make these choices by yourself. It doesnt seem like you were forced into any of them. So while you certainly need to work on this as a couple dont give up on it by yourself. Keep at counselling and therapy and work on your own self, if it comes to a point you have to make a hard decision about the relationship then at least you will be in a better place to handle it.

TheadoreT

I mean she sounds as close to asexual as possible, or at least has zero attraction to you. Just so I'm understanding you stayed with her for 7 years before having sex at all?

I really don't know why you're blaming or resentful of her, she showed you who she was for an extremely long time. I'm not sure what gave you cause to think it would significantly change for the better. You can't talk someone into being attracted to you. You can't get angry at someone who doesn't have those feelings for you. It just is what it is but you always projected your own feelings onto her and have been in denial about the relationship for 20 years.

Accept the situation won't change and move on and try find something that's mutually fulfilling. It's out there.

marilynrr

OP, as others have said, you made your own choices and she had already showed you who she was, you said you were "patient, too patient" but if someone doesn't want to have sex your only choices are to be patient and accept it or to leave. You can't blame her for the fact that you stayed. Well you can, but it's unlikely to do any good in the long run, either for you because the victim mentality can be harmful, or for your relationship. Owning your own part in it all is essential too.

A couple of comments say you deserve for her to go to counselling with you.

I will say however that couples counselling is for both people, people will only go to therapy when they themselves feel ready, and some people never will. Therapy can also sometimes be harmful so one person doesn't deserve it at the expense of the other persons mental health.

You've only started individual counselling a few weeks ago so it could take her a while to get on the same page.

Individual therapy and marriage therapy is also a lot to tackle in one go.

ChickenDish

A person once told me - relationships are hard work and for them to work 2 people have to put the effort in.

I know its a cliche, but you only get one shot at life, why spend the rest of your days in abject misery. Your wife obviously has zero interest in sex, the painful truth is you ignored the red flags at the start and hoped for the best. What you got was the exact opposite. Just because your wife doesnt like sex doesnt make her a bad person or mother, but it obviously makes her incompatible with you. You either enjoy sex or you dont, thankfully most seem to enjoy it.

It sounds like there is only one happy individual in your relationship and that's your wife, she has everything she wants or needs. Personally I couldnt be with someone who has no interest in sex and I'd have jumped ship a long time ago.

Live your life, do want makes you happy. Stop worrying about what if's and maybe's, figure out a way to make things work for you. If that means leaving your wife then so be it. If your wife doesnt work, that will have to change if you go your separate ways. Once your son is provided for, happiness is what you should strive towards.

Sunny Disposition

Do you think your wife is happy or is she also miserable OP?

ThrowAway_PI

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120361931#Comment_120361931

No, I don't think she is particularly happy either. She has other things that get her down - work, lack of close friends and of course our sons issues certainly aren't helping. But I do believe she is quite happy with me.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120361393#Comment_120361393

I don't think saying, 'zero interest in sex' is correct. We could have more sex if I asked for it. She'd say that if I went to bed earlier, with her more often, we'd have more sex. But, I guess the honest truth is that because of our past I've lost that emotional connection to her. Sex doesn't seem that fun when there is no connection.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120355530#Comment_120355530

Not quite right to say she wouldn't have sex for the first 7 years. She would say she couldn't. At first it was something she said wasn't prepared for. Then it got to a stage where she was prepared to try but those were rough times. It really took a long time for her to get comfortable at all. She would say she couldn't physically have penetrative sex. There'd be foreplay, I'd do stuff for her but she would never reciprocate. Never. I believe it was turning 30, wanting a baby that really forced the issue for her. She agreed to counselling and a baby happened shortly after. But the damage was done, I've just ignored how painful that period of time was.

I do realise I should have ended it in 2002.

bucketybuck

I do realise I should have ended it in 2002

In your 60's you will probably be saying the words, "I do realise I should have ended it in 2022". I don't know why you are so quick to dismiss the idea of separation.

BagofWeed

She lied to you and you were too innocent to see it and now you are blaming her. It's time to adult up and leave her and find someone who will treat you in a fair manner.

JoChervil

Oh, dear, where to start…

First you started your therapy only 6 weeks ago. It’s nothing. You didn’t even get into the most important parts, which patients usually try to avoid. To me putting all blame on your wife for your problems is this kind of easy escape from touching and dealing with your real problems.

You are over 40 and wrote in points about your problems:

1.and 2. Your marriage problems (I will talk about it further down)

3. Problems with your father. YOU stopped communicating with him, yet you think, he should reach out. The ball is in your court, I am afraid.

4. Pyrite is a really tough issue. Yet many people have very serious accommodation problems. Or problems with paying their mortgage or even getting a mortgage.

5. Surgery. Most people your age experienced serious surgery in their life.

6. Behavioural issues of your son. In most cases kids are acting out problems between parents. Very often divorcing couples have big problems with kids acting out and be aggressive at school. So I suspect your son has problems because of you two, not other way around.

When I look at your six points, they are all about others, not you. All other people or things or even your body are guilty of making problems to you.

Even all those unhappy years changed you. It wasn’t you, who have changed. It just happened to you.

So my advice would be you should seriously go through your therapy first to unravel the root of your problems. Why you chose your wife, why you agreed for this arrangement. It is not fair on your wife to put blame on her for your choices. 

You are breaking down in front of other people, but not your wife. It again sounds like it’s her fault. While you are unable to be vulnerable emotionally with your wife and that is OK, but your wife’s inability to become vulnerable sexually is not OK. Maybe some compassion for your both shortcomings would help?

You yearn for closeness, are unable to open up and again blame your wife for it.

I think you should count your many blessings. You have a wife, a son, a house, still not bad health. Many single people, who are unable to create close relationship would envy you. Are you sure that, if you ditched your girlfriend in 2002, you would be able to create a happy relationship with someone else? Maybe you both were somehow “damaged” and were able to stick only with each other, or with similar people? 

You said she has no history of SA. It might only be your knowledge. Many people don’t remember abuse, if it happened in their early childhood. And many are not able to become so vulnerable with their partners to share it with them.

“We could have more sex if I asked for it. She'd say that if I went to bed earlier, with her more often, we'd have more sex.”

So maybe you should investigate, what is keeping you up late at night? It might be usual suspects. Whatever it is you are choosing this over your wife and she is setting her boundaries. But maybe getting closer to this subject made you blame your wife to avoid facing it? Is it that scary?

So I think you both need your separate therapies first to get to the bottom of your both limitations. And then start marriage counselling. You might discover that you are not angry with your wife (who might be a victim as well) only with other people or situations, which made you a person, you are and make you made all these choices. Or at your age you might even get angry with yourself. It could be good. It might prod you to take responsibility for your life.

I think your wife might agree for it, if the therapy of you both would help your son. And I truly believe it would.

In 2002 you both should have started your therapies. But you always can do it now.

SEPT 23 1989

Early 40’s only half way through

get out and run however bad the initial hassle is

You only have one life try and find happiness

SuperBowserWorld

1. is another example of the carnage caused by some religious beliefs. Not getting divorced is another hangover from this.

It's all hunky dory if the gamble works out, but when it doesn't it's very depressing and sad.

Do the therapies as suggested get to the bottom all the crap, and make your decision based on what's best for you all. You are all still young.

Unfortunately, the good old continued Irish property crisis makes it harder for people to live separate lives.

You being miserable is not going to fix anything.

I wish you only the best of luck and hope you give you, and your family some time and space. Try to remain calm and leave the room when you feel like getting angry. Don't waste your energy on anger and resentment.

What a huge burden of stress there, OP. I think your wife needs to see a consultant psychiatrist specialising in Sex Therapy, they can do the counselling side as well as the medical side and explore any physical issue that may be a root cause, and offer the full range of therapies from medical to practical therapies. A friend of mine (in another country) who is a psychiatrist went on to specialise as a sexual issue therapist, and indeed broadcaster John Bowman’s wife qualified as such a specialist doctor.

Through numerous stresses your resentment has grown and hit the roof, so you need to ask yourself is current therapist really helping you at this point or are they out of their depth in helping you deal with it.

It may feel like it, but it is not hopeless, with a shift in therapeutic approach you might come across as less blaming of your wife, so she may be more open to the therapy she needs to resolve her issues, and so that you may live a life that has some more positivity and meaning. I really wish you well.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120363787#Comment_120363787

OP,I would ignore this type of advice and really read JoChervil post above. Homeless would not be fun.

ahappychappy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120362935#Comment_120362935

This and only this is what you need to hear. Why are you continuing to hurt yourself by trying to have a relationship with someone who isn't there for you. I mean not there for you regarding communication, taking on half of the work with the pyrite case, working on and addressing issues. You get one life and I can tell you no amount of therapy will stop the regret, anger and frustration that will eat you up.

Separating and Divorce is hard - I did it. And like you financially it looked very unviable. I formed a plan - I worked full time, and picked up a weekend gig while they were looked after by their father. I saved every single penny and worked my butt off to earn enough to rent somewhere with my children - is it ideal - no. I left him the family property - it was only fair he could not change who he was/is.

I can tell you I wake up every morning grateful I was brave enough for long enough to get out I am free and I am happier than any therapy could bring. The children have happier / healthier parents.

Airyfairy12

I feel for you, these are painful life experiences that would effect anyone and well done for seeking counselling, thats a really good positive step.

The first thing I would say is that your wife clearly has her own issues around sex & intimacy & this isnt a new thing, this was there and apart of your relationship with her right from the beginning. You say youre angry with her over this but its not unusual for people to have different sexual wants & needs & for allot of people it is a deal breaker in a relationship. Im open to correction but I would go as far to say that you and your wife wearnt compatible when you got together and that hasnt changed, its just resulted in years of built up resentment when really neither of you have done anything wrong, youre just not the right match for each other & never have been, even though you might have had feelings & chemistry, that doesnt mean you should spend your life with each other. I say this again, neither of you are wrong or seem to have behaved in a way that was wrong or bad, youre just very different in crucial ways that mean you're not compatible. Counselling is a great, safe place to consider owning & accepting the choices you made in your past & owning your choices going forward. You could also look into your self esteem & consider why you settle for things that arent inline with you or what you want.

Has your son been tested for ADHD, Autism, Dyspraxia or something similar? Might be worth looking into. Sometimes kids mask while in school so issues get over looked but once they get home, all the pent up stress from the day comes out, also changes in routine or disruptions of any kind can cause neurodivergent kids to act out. His behaviour could also be due to trauma, spending too much time on technology, playing computer games, stress.. I think the best thing to do would be to get him to a child psychologist or childrens play therapy group. Contact the school, tell them whats been going on with your son & ask for an assessment. Id suggest bringing this up with your GP too. If he has any underlying issues, its better to get a diagnosis or understanding of whats going on sooner rather than later.

Im sorry to read about your father & the pyrite issues. Just know that your dad has his own issues that are no reflection on you or your mother. If he doesnt contact you, thats on him, maybe he's ashamed, regretful, hates himself, men of that generation dont show emotions easily & tend to bottle everything up. Please dont take your fathers behaviour personally, I know thats easier said than done but it really is no reflection on you.

I cant imagine your frustration with your house, after putting so much into your home for it to be worth nothing & falling apart, the government have so much to answer for.

Purple Mountain

Hi OP.

Well done in finally breaking the ice and getting some help.

I have done some training for a past job (nothing certified but I needed basic skills) and the therapist explained it really well about emotions being like champagne bubbling and fizzing and then you pop the cork and they explode and overflow.

You are only at the stage of your cork popping. Go with it with the therapist and explore what transpires.

What I'm trying to say is that you have so much to unpack still. Don't go making any major decisions yet.

Can you get a sick cert from work for a month?

It sounds like you could be certified on stress leave?

A total mental and physical detox might help take some pressure off for the short term.

As for your wife going to therapy. Can you go there with an open mind of no blame to either of you?

And just explore what comes up?

And if so, can you explain to your wife that you are willing to go on those terms?

You've taken a huge step, don't look too far ahead.

Things will become more clear over time after you start to delve in deeper.

Best of luck.

And to your son too.

I hope the three of you are getting substantial support for his needs also.

cj maxx

OP , first of all well done for finally reaching place you can look at the situation in it's entirerty . Now first thing is to get everything you can regarding bank statements , money etc but go to a solicitor ASAP. I don't get the posters who say you knew what she was like. Make sure to get legal advice , especially re your child .

thegetawaycar

Ask for an open relationship, explain that it's very important to your well being and you want to respect that she's not interested.

The marriage counselling sounds like an absolute must if you are to stay together but I'd like to know why she would be against it.

JoChervil

OP, I didn't want to diminish your stress. What I wanted to say is that it is a stress present in most people lives. They are able to deal with it, so you will be able too. Only you need to learn how not to block emotions evoked by certain situation. Only be aware of them and deal with them when they appear. For example, if the situation with your father hurts you, just reach out and see. Your father might feel equally hurt by your rejection. By doing nothing with each day, you only get deeper in your resentment. And it's better to do it, when you still can and your father is still alive.

Suppressing these emotions, not stress itself, causes their build up difficult to deal with.

You are still young and you still can have satisfying sexual life with your wife. Or if it fails with someone else.

It looks like you are undergoing mid-life crisis, which will pass. And the more you learn how to live your life more effectively, you can have a very happy next half of your life. It all depends on you.

Sunny Disposition

I can’t understand people refusing to go to counselling if they know their partner is very unhappy.

I don’t think a relationship should survive if someone knows their partner is miserable and won’t do that much.

marilynrr

@Sunny Disposition

All he said was that she wasn't totally receptive to the idea, fearing that she will get the blame.

And I don't think her fears are unfounded at the moment. The wife does live with the OP after all and is obviously aware of the anger and resentment. Personally I don't think it's the right time for couples therapy. Couples therapy can make the home life even worse sometimes so it's not as simple as just committing to say a weekly session of it. They then have to leave the session in the same car most likely, possibly upset, possibly fuming when they're mulling over what was said and then deal with all of the tension/arguments/upset in between each session. Is OP equipped to handle any anger that boils up in between each session right now or is his wife likely to take the brunt of it?

@JoChervil

I had similar with my dad, the hurt that you feel when you think a parent is happy to pretend you don't exist rather than try to make amends is unbelievable. I wasn't even close to my dad, but you do assume that your dad is always going to want you in their life and try to keep you in it. It really throws you when they don't.

However as a pp said, OP your dad has his own issues, and although we might think they don't give a **** that probably isn't true. One thing I learned which gave me a lot of peace is that "people do the best they can with what they have". We all have our own issues, our own trauma, our own sore spots etc.

Personally I would caution against reaching out to your dad at the moment, a further knock at this time could devastate you. I've been knocked by family when I was at my worst (mental health wise) and it caused so much more damage. However if it happened now I honestly wouldn't care.

amdublin

You only get one life.

The practicalities of separation/divorce would work itself out. Don't move out of the house until it is sorted but could you consider you buying or renting somewhere else. Or if not, then you divide the house in half and live separately together

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120376239#Comment_120376239

I agree with being cautious, when reaching out to people, who we previously rejected. Their first reaction will very likely be rejection as well because of the resentment build up on their side, which is simply vented out. But after that initial bad reaction, if we expect it and don't let it escalate, things might return to normal.

ILoveYourVibes

That was so painful to read im so sorry.

I think you need to tell your wife all this she seems to want to bury her own issues and now you have both learnt to do it.

Try counselling. If it fails don't stay just because of finances. I know lots of couples who live together but are separated.

Maybe give it 6 months and if at that time she hasn't tried the counselling etc start separation proceedings.