How or if to respond

So I wouldn't normally be looking for advice but I'm genuinely stumped as to how to proceed here and very interested to get a wider consensus.

I have a friendship that is, with my full knowledge and participation, completely one-sided. It is with somebody who is very mentally ill and we have been friends for over 20 years, since college. He is never mean or unkind or obnoxious, just an absolute drain because of how anxious, paranoid and needy he is.

He has done his level best to seek psychiatric care but once he receives it his entire focus is on getting out of hospital - never, ever on getting better.

A big feature of his illness is reassurance-seeking which at this point I refuse to do, beyond basic decency. He is insatiable on this issue. He will latch onto an unfounded fear and ask over and over if whatever worst case scenario related to it is going to happen. There have been a few incidents of psychosis too, when the anxiety got out of control.

I have supported him endlessly over the years and am categorically his only friend. I've sat in hospital with him, I've marked his achievements and milestone birthdays with him. I've taken literally thousands of phone calls. His family are abusive and backwards, and largely responsible for him being the way he is. He has unintentionally pushed away everyone else by his neediness, it's genuinely shocking. I have managed it by putting good boundaries in place but none of my other friends/partner (who are all very nice) can tolerate him. I've stopped trying to widen his circle because he would invariably latch on to a friend of mine and begin treating them immediately as his therapist which understandably never goes down well...

Around Halloween he asked me my opinion on something that his doctor said to him about him. It was 100% insightful and correct. Lacking any self knowledge, he disagreed, and asked me, twice, what I thought. I very gently said I agreed with the doctor and explained why. I saw him fall apart in that moment as he tried to conceal a panic attack (also a constant issue).

Following this, he didn't speak to me for 5 months, and I gave him his space. I was glad of the break. He is allergic to learning or self growth because he cannot look at the truth about himself. It is too painful and he won't do the work. I have accepted this about him.

He emailed me the other day with a lie about why he hasn't been in contact (changed phone and lost my number - completely untrue, and we've half a dozen lines of contact).

I've ignored it so far. I'm not angry, just full of pity. And tired. I can't be fake or pretend with him. I'm busy with work, partner, children and health issues. Do I restore contact or just let it go? I've never gotten anything from this relationship, but not every relationship is satisfying and enjoyable. Your opinions are welcome.

Dial Hard

I think you'd be acting in your own best interests - and rightfully so - to just let this die naturally by not getting back in touch with him. It's clear you feel a certain sense of responsibility for this guy but you can't prioritise his needs at the expense of your own. By your own admission, you get literally nothing out of this friendship and never have. If it wasn't for his mental health issues, you likely would have walked away years ago. I have genuine sympathy for his challenges but you can't carry someone indefinitely just because they have issues. Especially ones they can't/won't make a genuine effort to address.

I think you should walk away from this guy and do so with a clear conscience.

I think I'd go with something like;

"Gary, please don't contact me anymore. I hope you get the help you need to take back control of your life.

Goodbye."

Send his mails to spam, block his number. Give him that tiny bit of closure, rather than him thinking you're still there for him if he really, really needs you.

YellowLead

His family are largely responsible for him being the way he is? I didn’t know a family could cause a mental illness. But anyway you’ve given him so much pity and time already, which is admirable, but possibly also slightly enabling. It might be the kindest thing for you both to step back from this.

Strumms

Just let it die.

• he ghosted you for months,
• asked for your opinion / advice but when you took the trouble to so, he discounted said advice out of hand. Even though it’s good advice …
• you’ve attempted to be inclusive, kind and every facet of what a friend should be and beyond.

A one sided arrangement of convenience, not a friendship.. nothing will change.

”Not every relationship is satisfying or enjoyable” - Absolutely correct but we also get to walk away from those ones and focus on maintaining the positive and enjoyable relationships we do have.

Splish Splash

Why have you stayed in the friendship for so long? You have a life, a partner, children and a circle of friends, he has nothing. He is a heartsink. You get to walk away from your encounters with him, he never gets away from what's inside his head.

If you can deal with him on your terms, then do. If you can't, then stop. Not every relationship has to be satisfying or enjoyable but if it adds value to someone's life and you can do it now and again, then why not?

Purple Mountain

Yea I'd agree with the above posters. It's time to move on.

I'm a very compassionate person but even I can't see any merit to you returning to being his friend.

As we get older, we learn that to preserve our own self care is the most important thing.

You have a family, job, other friends. All positive.

Quite frankly, you don't need this guy dragging you down.

He's not your responsibility, not your project.

You have given more than enough of your time, energy, kindness.

Him ghosting you for a few months was a blessing in disguise. It's a natural break away.

Leave it be now.

Tell me how

I'm going to go against the trend here and suggest that you don't immediately cut him off entirely.

You are entirely justified in prioritizing your own health and wellbeing and it may be that it is best to disconnect from this individual.

But, is it possible that he has finally made some progress in terms of learning how to either accept or deal with his issues and so it might not be the same as it was? Unfortunately, the chances of this are low but I wonder if he finally reached out after having come to some type of acceptance of what you said to him.

I don't know obviously, but, if that were to be the case, would you still want to disconnect entirely from this person? If yes, you know what to do, if not, could you find some way to explore where he is at without getting too invested to the point that it opens old wounds and is draining for you.

Not an easy place to be for you, don't know that there is any right or wrong thing to do.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120347496#Comment_120347496

It is an easy place to be. Cut contact.

I'm quite compassionate, but I'd be cutting free immediately. I'd also have no guilt. I had done my best.

I once found myself lumbered to some degree with a person just like this, but only for the period of one and a half years when I told him not to contact me again. Sympathy and a sense of “conscience” allowed me “take him on” per se in the first place, but I wasn’t able for him at all. Always looking for reassurance, and looked upon me as some class of therapist, also ignored advice of psychiatrists & psychologists in the past. I was mildly curious as to what might be his disorder, my amateur google psychiatry led me to believe he might well have had Borderline Personality Disorder with resistance to gain insight. Sometimes there’s a background of abuse. In any case maintaining a reluctant friendship with such a person is unlikely to be helpful to them.

Apiarist

I would cut the ties after writing to this friend that he needs to take his doctor's advice and recommendations seriously and to get his head fixed. You may lose the friend. However, this could be a kick in the backside he needs to progress towards recovery. Or it may break him. Mental illness is a bitch.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120347567#Comment_120347567

I wouldn't write. They're an adult and using you.

@op have they ever once asked about you without making it about themselves?

What you just described isn't a friendship. It's as simple as that.

I wouldn't respond.

@[Deleted User]

You sound like a good person - but you should also be good to yourself.

In his very first message to you in 5 months, he lied.

I'd let it go.

If you do feel the need to respond, @[Deleted User] gave you a very good suggestion.

Kathnora

OP, you have given a lot of time and energy to this relationship. I agree with other posters who suggest you call it a day and disengage.

I'm wondering though how someone like your friend can be helped? (Maybe that's a topic for a whole new thread). There appears to have been no shortage of professional help given to him and all to no avail. What can be done when someone refuses to take advice and make some effort to help themselves? I'm sure some alcoholics and drug addicts are like that too. When someone takes their own life their family and friends all feel they should have or could have helped more. Perhaps some people are, sadly, beyond help? So many of us complain of the lack of help, services and support for mental illnesses. This thread has made me and perhaps others realise that there is only so much anyone can do to help such a person. It's sad but realistic too and hopefully will help the OP to accept that he has given all he can to this relationship. The mind has taken control of his friend and unfortunately there are impenetrable barriers in place.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120348613#Comment_120348613

It’s absolutely 100% true that you can only put so much effort into supporting a person with mental health issues which require the individual’s insight and will to cooperate with treatment plans or efforts to overcome the pull of addiction. The lack of insight or unwillingness to change is common to some mental illnesses. Whilst resistance to change is common to all of us, it reaches an extremity in particular mental health challenges and is part and parcel of them.

One can only do so much, friendship is by nature very compromised and one sided in these situations, and your friend may never be able to appreciate the efforts you have put in, and may be totally unappreciative about how one-sided it is, but if they do find recovery they may sone day look back with more insight. On the other hand this may never ever happen, especially to people who are so mentally damaged they are beyond being able or willing to work to gain insight, also we must remember there may be organic brain changes that make it unfeasible too, no fault of the individual.

There’s a lot of stuff still unknown to the scientific world about brain function & mental health issues, as my late mother used to say we need to hold back some judgement, but of course that does not mean not telling your friend your expectations of them too, as you won’t be able to be any good to them if you have reached burnout point with them. OP has reached this burnout point, IMO.

Unless you have a huge religious or philosophical ethic & amazing mental resilience yourself you easily lose the ability to cope. OP has been amazing, and need have no negative conscience whatever decision he makes.

Tork

The 5 months break from this guy taught you two things. The first is that you enjoyed the break from him. That speaks multitudes in itself. The other is that he managed to live his life for 5 months without you. Like just about everyone here, I think it is time for you to move on from this guy. He may have been a friend at some point long ago but what exactly is he to you now? I get the impression that there's a lot of guilt and obligation thrown into the mix now, despite your attempts to establish boundaries. I think you've been handed a golden opportunity to cut contact with him after all this time.

Although ignoring his email might work, I have a feeling that he'll miraculously rediscover all these other ways to contact you. It's up to yourself how you handle this but you might end up having to write a message like Nudain has described. Personally, I'd be devastated to get something as blunt as that but maybe that's the only language he'll understand. You could so easily get sucked back into this guy and his problems. Despite you trying your best to help him, you're not a trained professional and perhaps you're unwittingly hindering him as much as helping him.

https://www2.hse.ie/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/

This is a really good description of the type of issue I have seen in a few people at various times over the years, and especially the guy some years back who used to contact non-stop day & night with the “don’t abandon me, I can’t talk to anyone else” vibe. They have very poor ways of attaching to people, but will quickly hunt for someone else to fill the gap you might leave. OP’s “lapsed friend” quite likely has this problem. It seems to be caused by a variable combination of certain brain development abnormalities and childhood trauma, neither thing which the victim of it is remotely responsible for in the first place.

polysteamtoken

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120351348#Comment_120351348

Childhood trauma? Ummm no... I actually have BPD. It's hereditary. Also it's not an excuse merely a reason.

Anyway. The friend needs to chill out and stop worrying so much. Most of this person's issues they have created themselves. Their fears are illogical as is their thinking. Most of what they think isn't even true but they tell themselves it is. They need to come to term with their condition and stop running. What needs to happen is this person's friend needs to appreciate and apologise to them. They must admit their weakness and seek to fix it. Not constantly make every excuse they can think of. Ghosting a friend for so long is unacceptable and cowardly. This friend needs a sit down and a serious conversation. They need to understand they will lose the relationship if they don't buck up.

They must be honest and speak about what they fear not keep it hidden away to grow like a big monster.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120351903#Comment_120351903

It seems to be a lifelong habit of poor attachment style and and all-or-none attachment style for OP’s friend, likely stemming from childhood, whatever fundamental underlying neuro issue may be. Very hard for that person to break the habit of a lifetime, unlikely they will at this stage, but of course if there’s enough will change can happen.

polysteamtoken

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120352026#Comment_120352026

Yep most people with the condition never learn and always blame everyone but themselves. Only once you realise you are the root to your own happiness you will always feel lost.

apache

It's a very tough one. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Sincere thanks to all who have replied. I genuinely appreciate all the input. There are a few points/questions I wanted to address.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120346744#Comment_120346744

Respectfully, you don't know what you're talking about. Childhood trauma is a major indicator of adult mental illness. This person has experienced profound abuse from a range of quarters and is stuck in a co-dependent relationship with abusive parents who insist he is not ill (despite it being obvious to the dogs on the street) and actively discourage him from getting psychiatric care, using blackmail, physical force and whatever means they deem necessary. If it were me I would cut contact but as I said: co-dependent and lacking insight. It might be the wisest and most prudent thing for me to step back all right, but I wouldn't kid myself it is the kindest thing. Also, I have not enabled this friend. I limit my interactions and I have firm boundaries in place.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120347474#Comment_120347474

I've stayed in the friendship out of an awareness that this person has nobody else who encourages them to look after themselves. He has only received any form of medication, therapy or psychiatric care because of my supports.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120347722#Comment_120347722

Yes. He works quite hard to be a caring friend, but is so consumed with anxiety and paranoia that I am aware that anything I say about my personal life is almost immediately forgotten. I have lots of friends who I can go to for fun/support myself, so I have never looked to this friend to provide that, as I know he is not able.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120347771#Comment_120347771

Respectfully - I have been a friend to this person, in the full knowledge that this cannot be reciprocated.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120348613#Comment_120348613

This is it. I don't think he can be helped. As soon as one issue is overcome, another appears instantly. Just to clarify, getting psychiatric help was a very long and difficult process and now every time he needs psychiatric help he has to access it through A&E, so I wouldn't say there has been no shortage, tbh.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120349919#Comment_120349919

A lot of salient points here. Living the 5 months without me is key, and proves he is well able to do that. There is no guilt here, I don't owe my time to anyone. But I do admit I feel I have a sense of duty not to abandon someone I've known for a lifetime, whose suffering I have witnessed first hand. It is difficult to just be dispassionate and bloodless and say ah well, they're beyond help, fukc 'em.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120351903#Comment_120351903

This is all advice for my friend and not a whole lot of help for me tbh...I am sorry you are going through BPD yourself and glad it is not as a result of childhood trauma, but all studies indicate a profound link in most cases between childhood trauma and BPD. It is quite possible my friend's mother also has this condition.

Thanks a million to all. I think the way forward is pretty clear. Mods, please close the thread.

HildaOgdenx

Mod Note - Thread closed at OP's request.

Thanks all who took time to offer advice.

Hilda.