Custody question

oldsalam

Hey guys, i have some sticky situation here, i hope you could help out with any information. 

I am an Irish dad and was married to a non EU lady in a middle eastern country. Post divorce over there the mother left the child in my care when he was 5 years old. Myself and my son moved back to Ireland 2 years ago. My child is now almost 11 years old. He has been living with me for 6 years. The mother never had a consistent relationship with him and hardly contributed to his daily upbringing.

i was the one that always looked after his education, playdates, hygiene and other activities.

this has caused for him some mental stress and only god knows how i managed to get him through this when he was younger.

Now she showed up out of the blue in Ireland and is taking me to the family court. She is applying for full custody,

Do you guys have any idea how this could go? 

My boy is doing very well in school and has a great social life with plenty of friends and activities in the area.

Since she appeared and my child has been under massive stress again and has been refusing to spend weekends with her but agrees to see her for a bit when she comes over and that is after me putting a fair bit of pressure on him to see his mother.

the mother has no residency and no job in Ireland but I guess she is counting on the fact that the law here is biased towards the mothers.

any thoughts or advice highly appreciated

Dial Hard

You need legal advice, and probably from two solicitors, one versed in family law and one in immigration. She is essentially here illegally so I can't see that helping her case. Is her plan to stay here if she gets access and if so, how does she plan to get a visa? And if her plan is to go home and bring the child with her, there is no way the court will allow that.

oldsalam

thanks for your reply!

I’ve spoken to few solicitors already and never got a clear answer on the situation and been told it will be up to the court to decide the outcome.

the only thing they assured me of, is the fact that my son is almost 11 and his voice will be considered in court.

i think her plan is to get custody and after that she could apply for a visa to stay with her Irish child.

meanwhile if she got this she will change his school and neighborhood and he’ll move away from his friends and activities as she doesn’t stay in the same county as us.

I don’t think she is here illegally as she has a visiting visa.

Atamiri

I'm in a similar situation and have spoken to many solicitors (specialised in both immigration and family law). The mother of an Irish child can get residence easily. Even if she were here illegally, my solicitor told me family courts don't care about the immigration status of the parents. Good news is your son is 11 so a "voice of the child" report should be taken seriously. If the mother intends to return to her country with your son, you should check whether the country is a signatory of the Hague Convention on International Child Abduction.

Senature

Surely as the child's primary (only) carer for the past 6 years your status as the primary carer is well entrenched. She would I presume be likely to be granted some level of access, so you might need to think about what you think is reasonable, and healthy for your son, and why.

If you can document clearly and unemotionally the specific periods where she was not seeing him or involved in his life it will tell the judge a lot.

The solicitors you have contacted so far don't sound very helpful. Get the best legal advice you can afford.

Good luck.

oldsalam

Thanks for such an informative reply!

I don’t have any plans in restricting her access to my boy and i do struggle a lot to make him communicate with his mother.

I wouldn’t be against any form of reasonable access but he has been very stubborn in agreeing to spend time with his mother.i guess I will ask for supervised visits as last time they met it didn’t go down too well and she threatened to hit him which didn’t help the situation. But

she withdrew the case this time for financial reasons I believe but once she gets some cash together she’ll be at it again.

i have been to see a therapist and she advised me not to apply pressure on my son to see his mother as what he is displaying is pretty normal for being neglected for years.

also, as he feels that she is trying to take him from me has turned him even more against her and knowing that she withdrew the case didn’t make a slight difference to him and have told me that he’d much rather that he went to court so he can tell the judge about his own take.

I wouldn’t be against any form of reasonable access but he has been very stubborn in agreeing to spend time with his mother.i guess I will ask for supervised visits as last time they met it didn’t go down too well and she threatened to hit him which didn’t help the situation.

This is grounds for supervised visits only right here. Hitting children is illegal in Ireland.

I'll stick my neck out here and say your child's mother hasn't a hope in hell of getting custody, and given her threats of physical abuse, supervised visits only.

Has she offered any financial contribution towards raising her son? I bet not. I'd say its closer to the truth that she sees your son as a means to an end.

One Family or Treoir are very helpful. Contact them for advice on your situation and also on your rights, and concentrate your energy on supporting your child. Follow your gut.

oldsalam

thank you so much! No financial contribution of course and i never really asked her for it.

he is 11 and she is expecting me to force him into going to her and stops being rude when she is pushy with him.

i even allowed her into my house a couple of times and that didn’t go down well with my son and stayed in his room for the whole visit. Also was crossed with me for opening the door to her.

i’ve been to see a counselor and was told not to force him and not to allow her into my house as it is his comfort zone.

i just get helpless sometimes as i constantly get accused that he does that because he’s been influenced by me.

i try to balance everything and focus while i work full time, clean, cook and help with homework, etc.

had this really supportive phone call with one family and it only seems that i am being a wuss because she is the mother and that could be enough for her to given custody.

your reply gave me tons of hope, so thanks again!

spaceHopper

Could you get her to arrange her own councilor or to use yours and for her to have a 1:2 session with the councilor and him and for her to have a 1:1 with the councilor. Maybe a professional explaining it to her might make her change her approach.

Kevhog1988

If i was you OP id be taking action and get yourself as the primary carer/sole guardian recognised by the court now. I would speak to a solicitor and pout the matter to bed now rather than waiting on the other party to come back at you