Trust a former drug user

slither12

I have a family member in her 30s that previously struggled with addiction to medication for 8 years. It's led her down some pretty dark paths (stealing, lying to doctors, selling her stuff). She's coming over from the US to stay with my mother for my cousins wedding but my mother isn't sure whether it's a good idea to let her stay.

On one hand, I can see her concern but the last thing we'd want her is to feel judgment by her family. I know that addiction is a disease but my mother fears that she may relapse given that she was last out of rehab not too long ago.

marilynrr

When was she out of rehab and how long is she staying for?

slither12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120299043#Comment_120299043

She's been out of rehab for four months and staying for a forntight.

Hannibal_Smith

If your mother isn't comfortable with her staying, she can just say no. Simple as that. It doesn't matter what the issue is realistically. She doesn't feel comfortable with some family member staying in her home for 2 weeks so that she can attend her niece's wedding. She can just say no.

Bobtheman

It's only two weeks. I'd be inclined to give her benefit of the doubt.

Addicts feel terrible guilt. Telling her she can't stay would be a slap in the face.

However there is no reason your mother can't check with the cousin as to whether they are in a strong enough place to come over. And whether they are continuing to get help. No harm in voicing fears.

marilynrr

A few days would probably be ok but two weeks could be overwhelming for your mother if she was very worried about this the whole time.

With the amount of drugs at Irish weddings 😵 I'd be a bit paranoid but then I lived with an addict for years so it would be triggering for me, but I think I'd be fine once the event had passed.

Your cousin might have been warned about this kind of thing at rehab so hopefully she won't take it too personally if your mother decides she would find it too stressful.

Would your mother feel more comfortable if a back up plan was arranged just in case?

Caranica

Two weeks and so soon out of rehab. That would be a big no from me!

TheadoreT

Tricky one, the chances of her relapsing are probably much higher if she's cast off to a hotel/elsewhere feeling rejected by her family.

Two weeks is a long time and It's understandable why your mother is hesitant. But even in the worst case scenario wouldn't it be better if she was surrounded by loved ones as opposed to in some possibly harmful situation elsewhere?

Unless there's young kids in the family and her potential behaviour would put them in harm I think the caring move would be to let her stay.

claregal1

My sister was 6 mths out of rehab for my wedding . She was also a bridesmaid and I can honestly say the wedding was so hard on her . 4 months is way too soon to be going to a social event half way across the world. We went to Liverpool recently for another sisters hen and the sister out of rehab struggled again . I went back to the hotel both nights at 8pm with her and on the second day she had to go to a meeting to help her cope .

Any recovery team will tell you avoid social events for at least 12 mths as you are still not strong enough to resist temptation. If it was me I would be saying no to be honest .

wildwillow

If she stays with your mother I think the extended family should help with keeping her occupied and away from temptation. But the decision should be your mother’s. Also, she should be prepared to ask her to leave if the situation becomes too difficult.

How well do you know her? If the addiction is confined to medication it may be easier to handle.

A fortnight is a long time to have anyone, no matter how nice, stay as a guest. Could she be encouraged to become a tourist for a few days.

Organise a distraction for the period between ceremony and meal as this is the least planned part of the day.

Compassion and understanding is needed but shouldn’t be left to one family member.