Confused college student

eastboro

I am a college student and started seeing another college student, a lad, a few months back. It began a few months back when I met him at a house party through a mutual friend. To be fully honest I really fancied him as soon as I saw him and still do - Good looking lad, plays GAA, works out hard at the gym and has a body like a temple. We hooked up that night and the sex was just electric…he was unreal. It was only my second time doing it and told him that but felt he really looked after me and was passionate at the same time. We kept hooking up afterwards and I suppose I had to push him a bit on talking about what we were but when we did and I asked him did he view me as being his girlfriend he said yes.

I suppose I was never 100% this was a full blown relationship but I just was so taken about him, my friends were all saying how lucky I was, how hot he was etc and he was and I guess I just put away these concerns.

I was staying over with him one night (he stays in a share house), we were after doing the deed in his bed and he went downstairs to get us drinks. I decided to pop out to the toilet but overheard him talking to his friends/ house mates and they seemed to be laughing and joking, I could only hear bits from the other lads like…that bed is like Piccadilly Circus…she a good ride?… and just heard himself saying something like he works out hard and is entitled to enjoy himself. I guess it could just be referring to me but A I don’t think it’s right to be talked about like that and B I got the impression I am not the only one frequenting that bed. Maybe it’s just locker room talk that I am reading too much into.

I genuinely don’t think he is a romantic type lad and in fairness not all are, he definitely likes himself but many would if you were him but I just wonder is all of this him not really being into a relationship.

We do some other stuff like going to the cinema or a meal but I suppose he is always very focused on the afters but again maybe that’s just a lad thing. I have asked him again where are we at and where does he see it going, his view is that we are both enjoying ourselves and wants things between us to continue. I guess I still don’t know where I am at and don’t really feel I can’t really suss my friends out on this one as they all think he is great.

I guess my question is have I been too naive here and am I being used or just reading too much into things. I can overstress and overthink when it comes to exams etc.

gameoverdude

I would go with naive a bit, nothing wrong with that.

GAA will come first and he probably likes you, but commitment is else where.

If yo want a relationship, knock this one on the head in my opinion.

Just fun, carry on.

road_high

Sounds like a bit of a player that loves himself. He’s showing you who he is so believe it. Don’t get too invested

rolling boh

Well if everytime you do anything and it results in sex he will continue as its very handy for him even if he maybe likes you you are both young and with his other interests like sports the chances at this stage of his life that he will have a full on relationship are slim especially if he has so much going for him as you say .

TheadoreT

Nobody here can tell you how committed he is but I'm sure you've a gut feeling about it.

Is he reliable with plans or flakes often? Does he ask you about yourself much? Does he mention the future much? Does he talk about you fondly to his/your friends? If you're doubting some/all of those he probably just sees you as a hook up.

Make sure you're not overly prioritising him over your friends , because A) they'll likely be in your life longer and B) he'll probably want you more if you're not available whenever he wants.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120206430#Comment_120206430

A I agree with. B is just game playing.

B will destruct future relationships when you're older.

You got you answer with the "enjoying ourselves" part. You're a shag. Sorry for being crude, but you are.

Up to you if you're happy with this.

eastboro

Thanks all for the replies so far. I just need to think through things some of you have said first before coming back on them.

One other thing that had worried me about our exclusivity, I told him I could go on the pill and he could leave off with condoms, I was just trying to make his life easier and assumed he would prefer without condoms, but he said he didn’t want to just rely on the pill and didn’t mind wearing condoms. Maybe that’s true but I could never convince myself 100%, it is reasonable I guess.

As mentioned, in fairness he is so dedicated to his GAA, matches, training and gym work, has a great work etiquette and mindset this way. It can affect meeting up at times but he is generally good for meeting up.

TheadoreT

I mean if you think he's possibly sleeping around, inviting him to not wear condoms is extremely stupid OP.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120206488#Comment_120206488

Sorry, but sweet jebus! What are you thinking about the pill and no condoms!

I'd advise you no. Full stop.

You are far more invested in this than he is. Just no. I can't say no enough.

You're mad into him, but NO!

I imagine you're about 18/19?

Knock this one on the head unless you want fun and that's all. Protect yourself.

cuttingtimber22

Firstly, he is very responsible to say keep condoms.

Secondly, some lads will minimise a relationship in front of their mates. Sounds like he went defensive but he could still be a dick.

Thirdly, may be worth playing hard to get for a few weeks. Let him chase you and redefine things on your terms. See is he really interested .

CPTM

You could have a chat about becoming exclusive if that's what you're looking for, about meeting his family and growing a closer bond etc. Or you could just accept it for what it is, a bit of fun with an end of the line approaching someday.

Defo don't lose the condoms.

I would tend to discount locker room chat. Its incredibly toxic but I would opine that from what I've seen, it can be just one or two idiots that start it and for some reason there are very few young lads who escape it's gravity. It does tend to suck the other lads into the chat.. I'm not sure why, maybe they don't have the maturity to build closeness amongst themselves with anything meaningful and so they find a sense of camaraderie using this baseline urge they all have built into them - having sex as much as possible.

eastboro

Just to be clear: I made the suggestion regarding condoms before I had any actual doubts about all of this. I wouldn’t make it now. I know I’m not life experienced yet but I’m not stupid either.

He is 19 and I am 18.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120206621#Comment_120206621

Do not play hard to get, just drop it in my opinion.

Seems to me you're too invested in this. It's not a relationship. You'll be a distant third to sports and mates.

Absolutely no reflection on yourself what so ever. Seriously.

People have priorities in life and sorry to say it, but you're not one.

You're worth more. Own your life. Tell him to feck off. If he comes back messaging, ignore.

Don't listen to this hard to get rubbish. You know what's right for you. You make decisions for YOU!

evolvingtipperary101

If you're enjoying the time you spend with him, enjoy it.

If you're not, get out.

If you're overthinking it, you're overthinking it and that will cause problems for you. But you're 18. Life is an experience. It reads like you're having a good experience to me. But when you look yourself in the eye in the mirror, what's your gut feeling? Are you happy or not?

Why pressurize it with expectations and what-are-we-talk at your age?

But if that's what you want, a boyfriend/girlfriend serious relationship, go look elsewhere if that's not what he needs or wants.

But why won't it develop into that? Will there be an end of year dinner or something? He might take you? It might be a slow boil to a serious relationship.

Male talk at that age is just talk. A young 19 year old will want to appear a certain way to his friends. But I'd doubt that's who he is.

Your friends are jealous because of the situation you're in but all that matters is your own mindset and happiness.

Maybe, you should hang in there.

Whatever happens, you'll be growing and learning from it. That's all you can do.

p.s. always wear condoms, even if you're on the pill. It's good practice. All it takes is one irresponsible partner for something really unpleasant to happen.

radiotrickster

OP, forget about his body and how he makes you feel sexually. How does he make you feel emotionally and mentally? Does he stimulate you?

I was in similar scenarios to you when I was younger and my experience was, once you find someone who’s worth having a serious relationship with, it all feels different. It’ll come easier than this, without the guessing and the doubts.

Don’t feel you need to answer this here OP, but I do wonder if you see him while you’re on your period (or if you’re ever in a time where you’re not feeling up for sex but still want his company)? If you/he don’t enjoy sex while you have your period and he’s nowhere to be seen when you have it (because sex isn’t an option for that week), it’s just a physical thing. If there’s more to the relationship, he’ll be happy to spend what time he can with you, even when sex is off the cards.

Big Bag of Chips

You've hinted at "what is this" but you need to ask him directly "Are you seeing anyone else"? You're young, naive, and inexperienced. He seems to be very confident with plenty of admirers. The lads might just be shyte talking. 18/19 year old lads tend to do that. But asking him out straight and getting a straight answer will tell you.

By the way - at 18 you need to consider your own sexual health, you were "just trying to make his life easier"??? Nope OP, nope, nope, nope. Would regular STD tests for you be worth it for "making his life easier"? Unless you know for a fact he was a virgin before sleeping with you and he has not slept with anyone else ever, then condoms stay on. Have you had an STD test? You've had a previous sexual partner, so you should start thinking about getting yourself checked regularly, and definitely between partners. If you're talking about dropping the condoms you both need to go for STI screening first.

At 18 you're probably better off using the pill for yourself and insisting on your partners using condoms too. It double protects against pregnancy whilst also protecting against STIs. I think you need to talk to either your college GP, or maybe there's a sexual health clinic in your college. It might be worth talking to someone in person who will be able to give you good advice now that you're sexually active.

HildaOgdenx

Mod Note - Thread closed pending review.

OP, can you PM one of the Mod Team please?

Thanks

Hilda