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Am I asking for too much?

  • 22-01-2023 7:16am
    Registered Users Posts: 11

    Hi, bit of advice needed. My son is 19 and going to college, which we pay for. He now has a part-time job where he works about 3-4 days per week. His shift is usually 6-12 in the evening and that means me driving in about 7 miles to collect him. He is often driven to college in the mornings also by me and collected by my wife in the afternoon. We are pushing for him to get di his theory test but he is lazy about it. He did it once last year and failed

    At the outset we agreed that he would contribute 20% of net pay although he put up resistance to that, saying most of his friends don't have to contribute anything.

    Anyway, just recently he got extra money, I think back pay over something and earned 900 for 1 week. He needed a pair of runners so he spent 80 to get them, usually we would have paid of course. When i asked for the balance of the 20% he refused saying the 80 was plenty. Am i being unreasonable asking for more? I only paid 1000 for fees the week before and that's why I'm annoyed at it. Thanks in advance

    Post edited by HildaOgdenx on


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,599 ✭✭✭893bet

    Difficult one. If you are struggling at home with costs then getting extra from him makes sense.

    A set amount rather than percentage. But decide why expenses that is to cover. Ie tell him that’s to cover his food and his heating etc. Tell him his left over is to buy his cloths and discretionary expenses.

    He is young and has no idea of all the bills paid to run a house and car.

    Dont think short term on this…..the most important thing is that he finishes his education well and gets a career and doesn’t end up full time in that part time job (assuming it’s a low paid retail type position).

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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,562 ✭✭✭Princess Calla

    When I was in college I didn't pay rent, but then at that stage I was the only one at home.

    However I can count on one hand the amount of lifts my dad gave me in the course of my life. He was very much" you want to do something get yourself there and back" type of person.

    I paid for any college books /stationary/photocopying/printing etc. Lunch in college , clothes, bus fare, social life etc.

    I was out of the house 7 days a week so I wasn't really costing them a huge amount by living there rent free.

    Reading between the lines it sounds like you feel like you are being taken for granted and that's more the issue.

    7 miles isn't far at all he could easily cycle it, stop being a taxi service at his beck n call. Let him make his own way home from college.

    Let him buy his own clothes etc.

    I do think 80 a week is alot but then you might actually need that I don't know.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,064 ✭✭✭Citizen  Six

    Reduce the number of lifts he gets to push him more towards driving. The one home from college in the afternoon for example.

    My parents were always generous with lifts, but by college stage I'd be expected to make my own way there and back. I even got a moped, then a car, for a course I attended that wasn't well served by public transport.

  • Registered Users Posts: 11 Limericklad142

    Yes, 100%. In terms of a car and insurance, I guess it will depend on his circumstances at the time. I would see a scenario where he could use one of our cars but maybe pay half towards insurance or something like that. He would definitely need to pay for his own fuel. I guess it's stepping stones on life's journey.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,374 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12

    Finding it hard to relate to this post because I struggled so much financially in college, any support given by my parents was done so extremely begrudgingly and I had to save for 5 years to be able to afford driving lessons, a car and all the expenses that come with getting on the road. All this while living 10 miles out the country side with not even a basic shop in walking distance, paying 'rent' to my parents and asking for a lift anywhere at all was like pulling teeth. From my point of view your son sounds ungrateful, spoiled and self entitled. Im not suggesting you shouldnt help him out but maybe letting him figure things out himself and not being there to clean up all his mistakes and giving him a nice cushion to fall back on could be just what he needs. How is he ever going to appreciate anything in life when he's had everything made so easy for him but besides that, how is he ever going to manage his own emotions when he's being shielded from small basic life challenges such as considering the needs & boundaries of other people - like having no regard for you and your wife and the money youre being forced to spend on him. He's earning money and is going to college which is his choice, give him your terms and what you expect from him, why is he telling you how its going to be? Its time he started to grow up.

  • Registered Users Posts: 17,582 ✭✭✭✭rob316

    My mother always said to me "while your under my roof and in education I'll pay for everything, when you get a full time job you pay keep".

    Its absolutely fair and prepares you for when you leave the nest. I was 19 in a full time job and paying up €80 per week. Thinking back it was an absolute bargain!

  • Registered Users Posts: 22,656 ✭✭✭✭recode the site

    Learning how to manage money is absolutely crucial to a person’s development as a functioning adult, so he has to play his part in budgeting his life, and that includes what choices he makes when purchasing things. I think a poster above made a sensible suggestion that he should be entirely responsible for the more discretionary spends. Otherwise his life education will be incomplete, and he won’t learn the value of money, a crucial survival skill that will last him a life time.

    Nothing Known Talent Management Ltd

  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators Posts: 9,785 Mod ✭✭✭✭Jim2007

    Fully agree. My two are now finished with education and out in the world on their own, but while they were in college and apprenticeship, bed, board, education expenses and a basic monthly allowance was the standard. Anything more was up to them to earn it, but we want them to put their efforts into education not the part-time job.

  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,159 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx

    Mod Note - As the thread has been inactive for some time and the OP has not returned recently to it, I am closing the thread.

    OP if you wish to have it reopened at any time please contact any of the PI mods.


This discussion has been closed.