How to calm my mind when anxiety kicks in?

The Young Wan

I think I need someone to advise me/calm me down a little. I hope that's ok/within the parameters of this thread.

I've been seeing a guy since the start of December, met on Hinge. Met about three times before I went back home for Christmas. I'm not back where I usually live until the weekend. My little brain has myself poisoned.

Anyone I've talked to about him says "only green flags. All seems really well. He's into you."

And it seems he is. He picked me up at the airport. We had the day off the following day to do things together and it was lovely. He's made references to things we could possibly do together when I'm back/in future. I'm really excited to see him. He seems to be too.

But when I don't hear from him, or the conversation seems to have taken a quiet turn, I get anxious. My last relationship ended because of emotional cheating so that may have an impact.

But. The crux of my post. Do you know of any way I can calm my mind, not worry about this so much, remember the green flags I saw? Yes, I am already in therapy and yes we have already spoken about this.

Thank you all so much.

YellowLead

Are you back to where you usually live now?

How many dates have you had?

Some people aren’t big on texting so that could be it.

But it sounds like very early days?

Everybody can feel anxious at the start of something new where you are wondering if they like you like you like them and if it could become something. But since you haven’t invested too much time yet it shouldn’t be causing you too much headspace or panic.

Just try and be patient and see how things pan out - green flags is good but you don’t know him very well yet.

dontmindme

You need to put some of your eggs in a few other baskets. A relationship with someone else is great an' all but try and develop a loving relationship with The Young Wan above anything else. When she gets anxious, comfort her and do things that she likes. Try and make sure you're looking after her well - sleeping and eating and and reflecting on the things you like about her. Love her. If you give her what she needs she'll start to feel a lot better.

Apiarist

Obsessing about any one thing may lead to anxiety. Distract yourself with something positive -- sports, dancing, gardening, painting, whatever challenges you (so that distracts you enough) while giving you pleasure.

Deep controlled breathing helps with anxiety.

Meditation is helpful also.

The Young Wan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120089535#Comment_120089535

Yes, I came back Sunday, we had a nice time together yesterday. After he went home he said he's had a good time, said about things to do next time. We'll not see each other til the weekend which feels like quite some time.

We've been on four dates so far. So it is rather early days.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120089732#Comment_120089732

It’s good not to rush in headfast and to take time to get to know each other slowly. The weekend will be hear before you know it!

As others have said keep yourself busy - whatever your jam is, go for a run, meet a friend for the cinema, read a good book. Deep breathing and stretching will help.

The Young Wan

Thank you all. I think my main anxiety trigger comes from my last relationship, where my ex had an emotional affair and that has severely impacted me.

I'm almost starting to think I can't do this. Not because I don't like him. Because I really do. But because the anxiety won't let me enjoy it.

TheadoreT

What are your limiting beliefs about yourself or the relationship? Usually when you think things are going to go/end a certain way it invariably sways a lot of your actions to make it go that way. Wheras people who are optimistic or positive about where its going are far more chilled and dont overthink the small things.

When you say you "don't hear from him" do you mean he's actually ignoring your texts or slow to reply or is it that you're waiting for him to initiate most of the time as you think that's some sort of indicator of interest or "green flag"? If it's the latter it gets tiring as a guy and you'd move on fast to a woman who's more confident to keep these things fairly 50/50.

The Young Wan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120089899#Comment_120089899

it's the slow to replying. He said yesterday "I've never ignored you" about messages so far, and that until we see each other at the weekend "We'll talk, we'll write, we'll send pics like of the food you're gonna cook tomorrow night."

YellowLead

So have you said it to him that he is not texting enough or replying fast enough or whatever? Because that’s a sure fire way to kill the fun of something.

The Young Wan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120090266#Comment_120090266

No, I haven't said anything about it at all.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120090291#Comment_120090291

Why did he say out of the blue ‘I’ve never ignored you’ - that seems random if not questioned

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120090214#Comment_120090214

What's slow the respond in your view?

You've only been together a month and it feels suffocating to me already. He's going to lengths there to put you at ease, so assume you must have complained over his contact or overshared your issues. You can only push someone so far.

Early dating shouldn't be about anxiety or catastrophising. Which i know is literally why you started the thread but you need cool down the intensity a lot.

The Young Wan

I know the anxiety needs addressing. As you said, hence the thread.

But I have gotten some good suggestions here, and some things I'm going to try to take my mind away from it as and when I can.

Swaine

If I was him, I'd be running a mile.

Stop obsessing, he has other things going on in his life.

TheadoreT

You should also be careful what you wish for with all this green flag nonsense. If you eventually find someone who caters to your every whim, be it this guy or other, I 100% guarantee you'll lose all attraction to them by about 6 months. Being that level of attentive to relationships is not masculine and if you're a feminine woman there'll be no polarity left. When there's no polarity there's no sexual tension, when there's no sexual tension/attraction there's no relationship, just friendship at best.

rainagain

I completed a Lifeskills course with Aware, it was online only at the time coz of covid. It covers anxiety and how to cope, I found it very helpful.

https://www.aware.ie/programmes/life-skills-group-programme/