Difficult relationship

jyak000

Hello, 

I feel at a loose end hence my post here. I feel very alone in my experience and I don't know if a lot of this has built up in my head from years and years of internalising all of these thoughts.  

Some context: I am in my late 20s. I don't have a relationship with my father since I was very young and I have had no contact with him. I am an only child. It has always been just my mother and I. Growing up my mum had quiet bad mental health issues and was hospitalised. I remember seeing her distressed etc. I was probably around 10/11 ish. Growing up I have always felt ashamed of not having "a normal life" I always felt sad that I didn't have the full family (mum, dad, siblings). When my mum got out of hospital all those years ago I cannot remember a time when I didn't feel like a parent. I would do stuff (cleaning etc) that would be more the role of a parent. 

My mother has also put on a lot of weight since this time and does not take care of herself properly. When we are out together I can see people staring at her, and it makes me very upset and angry to be fully honest. I have tried to talk myself out of caring what others think but when it happens I just get very upset and angry. For example, I have seen people laughing at her and again it hurts me. My mum does look a bit different to the average person. She drinks a lot in the evenings and this has gone on for years. I have tried to help but it always ends in huge arguments. She gets very defensive and can tell me that I am the one with issues. She can't see that I am looking out for her. 

I would love to meet someone and start my own family some day but I have a fear and I know this sounds really bad but I worry that when they meet my mum they will think different of me and would not like to be with me anymore. This is something I really struggle with. Maybe it's an Irish thing but I look at other girls my age and from the outside it seems that they have perfect family. I often think about my wedding and how I feel like I would not be able to relax because it have to look out for my mother. I feel sad when I see other people going places with their parents and doing normal things like introducing them to friends and partners etc. It's not easy for me to do this and I feel like I am living a secret life when I am back in my normal day to day life. I have a lot of shame. 

Despite the above I have built myself a successful career but these experiences and thoughts eat me alive and take up a lot of my headspace. 

I often wonder are there other people out there with similar circumstances. 

Thank you 

Sir_Name

Hi OP

It might be worth speaking to a professional about this. For how you feel about it especially if you are struggling.

That said, no family is perfect. Whilst on the outside it might seem like it everyone has stuff going on. When you meet someone, it’s not like you’ll be dragging them to meet your family immediately. Families can differ hugely, some get on, some are estranged, some don’t see each other from one year the the next. I have an aunt who sounds similar to your mum and she brought a friend to the wedding for instance for company. There are options and ways to ease your feelings of

Work on your own confidence. Be proud of what you have achieved. Think of it like your friends like you for you. A partner is your best friend who wants the best for you so might help to think of it like an extension of that and they probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid.

JoChervil

OP, you are saying, you are late 20s.

I assume you are living with your mum, if she is such a huge problem for you to build your own life. So maybe you should move out and separate yourself from your mum? The less your mum be part of your life, the less influence she will have on your life.

In your age most people live on their own or share accommodation with their peers. In your age friends are rarely introduced to parents. So your mum shouldn't be a problem then. While partners are introduced to parents after establishing stable relationship. Some even do it only, when planning serious future with them. Your dependence on your mum may be more discouraging than your mum herself. So you need to lessen that dependence.

Now is the best time for you to live your own life, when your mum is younger, because your mum might need your help later on. So if not now, so when?

JoChervil

Maybe joining any ACOA group would help? I suspect this kind of dependence/codependence in play.

BingCrosbee

Reading your post OP you strike me as a lovely person who has had a lot of crap thrown at them and you have built a successful career around this. Fair play to you. I imagine you will meet someone who will love you for you. Best of luck. Don’t be hard on yourself.

TheadoreT

Fantasising often about a wedding day and issues and anxiety that may arise without even having a partner is jumping ahead on a monumental scale OP.

Your post is all about the past and future but we live in the present, you could do with practicing mindfulness and acceptance that you cant control uncontrollables.

Yes there'll be people out there who have it better family wise, but there's also tonnes who'll have similar or much worse situations than your own.

And besides I'd take a slightly imperfect mother in law over one who's overly hands on from the picture perfect family all day long.

Thelonious Monk

I've gone out with people who had parents like your mother, worse even. It didn't bother me at all, and it doesn't sound like you've been affected badly by it. If someone really likes you they wont mind if you have issues with family.

oldfriend213sf

Hey OP. I have a batsh1t crazy family that also happens to be have a fair amount of wealth (AKA tick the societal box of "doing well for themselves") but where there was, for me, a fair amount of emotional neglect. I'm a bit older than you and can tell you this with certainty: the people that have nothing to offer you will judge you by your family. The people that do, won't. It's as simple as that. And it's a great barometer for who to welcome into your life and who to avoid like the plague.

My partner is my family now, such is how things go - we grow up and find families of our own. And he thinks I'm a hero for growing up with the family I have and becoming emotionally healthy, high functioning, successful. Find someone who sees you for YOU, and appreciates that while acknowledging what you've been through. Oh, and don't believe the smokes and mirrors of social media. It's usually the "picture perfect" ones that are the worst and most toxic.