Family issue at Christmas

jimsonite

Hello,

Bit of a difficult family situation here, couldn't find the right category to post so apologies if it is in the wrong place.

Essentially, we have a family tradition every year, we all go down to my aunt's/uncles house on my mother's side on Christmas day (this includes everyone on her side and my immediate family).

However, my parents have recently separated and my mother brought her new partner to the first Christmas after this separation happened. I didn't go, and neither did my father and sister.

My brother, who lives with my mother and her new partner, went as normal. I don't plan on going again this year because while my mother is nice to me whenever I see her, she is not with my father. She took the family car, took control over any finances she could, etc.

The main point is, I'm in between a rock and a hard place, because I don't have any issues at all with the rest of the family on my mother's side. I'd actually like to go, but I also don't want to leave my father and sister on their own on Christmas Day.

If the new guy didn't go, we all would go no problem... But he is, so I am extremely reluctant, and my sister and father are completely reluctant.

Thoughts on this?

Furze99

How about popping in to see your aunt/uncle the day or so before? Just to visit over Christmas, have a chat and so on. You want to keep in touch there, so that will do that and I'm sure they'll understand the situation. Go before rather than after though.

Big Bag of Chips

Traditions change all the time. Does your dad see your mam's family much now? I think nobody would expect your dad, your mam her new partner to all sit around for a big family Christmas dinner. There was a family tradition, but now the family has changed, so the tradition also must change.

Unless your mam had an affair then there's no reason for any of you to feel any animosity towards her or her new partner. She's an adult, whose marriage broke down. It's unlikely she was 100% to blame. And she is allowed to move on. It would be incredibly unusual for your dad to visit his ex wife's family on Christmas Day. So I don't think you need to worry about him feeling left out. But Christmas Day is a very long day. You can spend time in both places without offending anyone if that's what you want to do.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120002982#Comment_120002982

This is good advice. Christmas traditions change over time anyway and the day may come when other relatives don't go to your aunt and uncle's house every year. Now is as good a time as any to start new Christmas traditions. I agree with Furze that you should call over before Christmas Day this year if you can, and have a chat. You can always change your plans and day of visiting next year and onwards. Would calling over later on Christmas Day be another option if you still would like to see other family members?

It is an awkward situation to be in but it's nice that you're considering the feelings of your father and your sister in this.

JoChervil

Many people share Christmas Day. Many young couples go to both of their parents in different times of the day, if they live close.

I wouldn't go before because time leading to Christmas is the most busy and you might interrupt the hosts. But I would definitely spend Christmas lunch with family of your choice, that means your father and sister. And later went to your aunt. Of course letting them know earlier about your visit. And if it is not too far distance. If it is, so then on the next day. There are always leftovers after Christmas, so the visit after it shouldn't be a problem for the host.

And this established tradition will change anyway, when you and your sister will have your own families. Your aunt wouldn't be able to accommodate so many people.

bucketybuck

I don't really see where the rock and the hard place are.

Your mother is going to her brothers and sisters, that sounds natural. Her partner is going along, which is understandable.

Your father doesn't want to go and hang out with his ex and her family. Perfectly understandable.

Sounds like everybody else knows where they stand, the only person struggling with it is you. So what really is your issue? That you miss out on a party? Be honest, "tradition" is just another word for "something I want to do".

There are always plenty of parties out there, if I were in your situation I would keep my father company on christmas day.