Eternally single

ManyMondays

Hi so heres a little bit about me.

Im 34, female, no kids, well educated and have a very fulfilling job. The pay isn't wonderful but it gets me by and I love the work.

Ive two lovely little cats, I love animals and would love a dog but my accommodation doesn't allow for that, I used to volunteer in a local animal shelter and have always had pets growing up, my neighbours had a horse farm, my other neighbours had cows and the house behind me had alpacas. The lady that owned my parents house before my parents moved in, had lots of stray cats, my mum continued to feed them after we moved in so there were lots of cats around the premises. If it wasnt clear, we lived in the country side, besides my older brother there wearnt any other children to play with so animals just kind of became my friends, ive always felt a special bond with them. Growing up semi isolated was hard at times as I was naturally outgoing but it has benefitted me in ways as im not scared to spend time on my own and I really like my own space, im never bored and ive always been less likely to follow the crowd in order to fit in.

At the risk of sounding hypocritical im not a vegan or a vegetarian although I do try to consume less meat & try to have some meat free days during the week, im a foodie so love cooking and finding new recipes, especially vegan & veggie ones.

As I got a bit older and into my teenage years, I started to make more human friends, im still good friends with some of them today. I also had my first serious relationship which lasted for 5 years, up until my early 20's. Unfortunately we didn't work out as we grew apart, I was totally heart broken as I thought we would always be together but such is life.

Over the years ive had lots of interest from men but they were only ever interested in me sexually, they never seemed to want to get to know me and the ones who did I soon found out it was all smoke and mirrors & they would love bomb just to get women they fancied to sleep with them, be in a relationship with them just so they could cheat and play the field behind my back. When I started out dating in my late teens and twenties, I suppose I would have been quite naive from growing up so sheltered, I didnt realise how easily people would take advantage, use me or try to harm me. It was a hard lesson and I went through a few years of social anxiety and bad mental health but worked hard on myself and I am a much stronger and much more assertive person.

From all of these experiences in my younger years, I am really focused on realistic positivity and being around good people who want good things for those around them. Im so grateful to have such lovely people like that in my life and overall im a generally happy, healthy person. I like to go to pubs the odd weekend and have a few drinks with friends but im not a big drinker, I smoke the odd cigarette, usually if im drinking but im not really a smoker, I love music although I dont play an instrument or sing, I love gigs and enjoy a music festival, I have a collection of records as I love vinyl. I love art, travel and reading books, sometimes I meditate and I love being in nature but also love being in my cosy house. I love to travel, im not materialistic or particularly vain but I love makeup & fashion, I look after myself, get told im attractive and always get mistaken for being younger than I am. I also love kids, I work with children and the arts and it brings me so much satisfaction.

The one thing thats missing from my life is a partner, despite men showing interest it never leads anywhere and I often get ghosted, so much so that im now at a point were im reluctant to even start a conversation with a man as im afraid that when I start to think it could go somewhere, they will just ghost me like all the others. Ive had feedback from men that im attractive, sweet, warm, friendly some have told me im the nicest person theyve ever met but it still never goes anywhere... Im afraid im going to end up totally alone.

Oops!

You won't, you just need to meet the right person.

SCOOP 64

Reading your post its like copy and paste off your dating site(if you have one)🙂.

Remember Manymondays your 34 not 64 so plenty of time to find Mr right. As you say your pass encounters have said your attractive, sweet, warm, and nice, you sound perfect to me so where is it going wrong.

No one can answers this on here only you, are you attracted to the wrong type of person, only you know this i suppose.

Ever been on a date with a man who you found to be very nice, sweet, but said he's not for me, nothing wrong with him just not for you, same applies to you nothing wrong with you, you were just not for the men you have met so far.

Keep going as you are ,be yourself ,don't change . you WILL find someone.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119985438#Comment_119985438

I have kept a few people on the go at one time… that gets very confusing when the doorbell rings 😂🤣😂 But I and I’m sure OP knows what you mean.

YellowLead

Dating is hard these days. But persevere - it’s all about luck and timing.

Theres no magic formula and there is no list of boxes to tick. You might feel that being interested in art and having a record collection are plus points that should guarantee interest for example - but somebody else might just be looking for a wicked sense of humour that matches their own.

What kind of man are you looking for? Do you have a certain type that you go for? Perhaps you need to broaden your horizons, you’d be surprised. But keep going and don’t give up OP. I’ve been pretty much single for 3 years and sometimes I freak out about it, but it doesn’t last long and never puts me in hibernation. If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be and that might be 2 years or 10.

Due to dating apps people feel like they have a lot of choice and are often chatting with 10 and meeting with 5 and therefore keeping some on the hook while they see how things work out with another. But you get wise to the signs and there are genuine lovely people waiting to meet you.

Faith

You gave an awful lot of information about yourself there, OP, an awful lot and it was totally unprompted. It felt fairly intense just reading it. Most of that information was filler too, we didn't need it to get a good understanding of your situation - for example, there was a whole paragraph about childhood pets and another about your diet, and I still don't understand the relevance of either to your question. It made me wonder whether that reflects how you engage in face to face interactions too? Do you overshare? Do you talk all about yourself? Might you feel overly intense to others or reflect a desperation to make a connection?

Frankly, we can't tell you why you're single. We're almost never going to be able to read a post and go "Aha! Here's a magic solution!". All we can say is either keep going and put yourself out there and let the universe do its thing, and/or find a friend who isn't afraid to be blunt and ask them what they think might be causing guys to disappear so quickly.

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119986896#Comment_119986896

I would disagree with this OP, I think you gave us a lot of context so we can understand who you are, your personality, and so tell whether that is why you're single. Seems smart to me, and you sound pretty normal, well-balanced and nice. No glaring red flags.

While I'm the opposite of the person you would want to take advice from, I would say that maybe have a think about how guarded you are. You spend a fair amount of your post talking about people being deceitful and dishonest, could this be prejudicing you before things even start?

Are you going into situations expecting men to prove their honesty in some undefined way before you consider them? Do you know what they would need to do so you can be sure of their intentions?

As I say, you seem fine and I'm not in any way an expert here, but maybe something to consider.

ManyMondays

Awe thanks everyone, I really appreciate all the replies! Wasnt expecting there to be so many. I shared so much here just because I thought it might be helpful if I gave some background information on myself, where my heads at, where im coming from, hobbies and interests, that sort of thing. Sorry to anyone who found that info a bit long winded, I think I went on a ramble here for sure, if posting again I will make sure to read over and edit my post before I submit.

I wouldnt say I over share generally when talking to people, id often be referred to by others as quiet and im more of a listener than a talker. I do have trust issues from my past but really feel like ive worked through all that for the most part and I know that allot men wont be like one of those exes. I just feel a bit like men never see me as good enough to go out with. Ive deleted the apps after years of being on them, I find them to be a bit depressing, theres always the same faces on them and ive never had any luck on the apps.

I used to have a type in my younger days but ive matured I think and what would have drawn me in several years ago is not what would attract me now. So my 'type' would be someone I enjoy spending my time with, who i can have fun with, go for a drink with at the weekend or stay in watching movies and enjoying each others company. Someone who respects me and makes an effort and is kind and caring, somewhat outgoing in that we could do things together or with each others friends. They wouldnt have to be tall dark and hansom but some initial attraction is important, I would want to find them sexy and I would want them to be attracted to me too. Its also important that we have our own independence, our own money, friends and time apart, enough to keep a healthy life balance. I wouldnt appreciate a partner who was insecure in the sense that they would be annoyed or jealous if I was spending time with my friends without said partner. I suppose my type would be someone I could trust and get along with, like a best friend but with attraction and a healthy sex life. Maybe im asking for too much.

TheadoreT

I think you're a small bit hung up on wanting men to get to know you for the real you. That will naturally happen as you get to know someone better. Most men don't have the cop on to really ask you the right question early in dating to give you them feels that you're special.

Don't mistake someone being a bit gormless for not caring. Or don't think someone looking for sex and wanting to get to know you are mutually exclusive. We're just mostly very visually turned on in comparison to women where it's much more about the whole process.

Like the few who could potentially give you everything you want here are arguably the ones you'll want to avoid most, as they'll be the ones who really understand women and have their choice of any number.

ManyMondays

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119988691#Comment_119988691

I think you're spot on, I do want men to get to know me for the real me. I suppose im afraid if they get to know me gradually they might run a mile so better off getting to know me right away so they know what they're getting! Ive never really thought about it before but now that you've mentioned it I can see how that is probably a very unhealthy way to approach any relationship. Im allot more forgiving of other peoples negative behaviour traits than I am of my own & I know I listed allot of things when talking about what I want in a partner but I suppose those would describe my 'perfect man', in reality I know that nobodies perfect and although I do have standards and certain things turn me off completely, overall if I really like someone they dont have to be all those things I listed but I find that most men I meet dont do the bare minimum, its like them asking anything about me at all and not making every conversation about themselves separates them from 90% of the men ive met and dated in the past 10 years. It feels like men have such high standards and expectations when it comes to women they will be serious about and like theyre always comparing women and looking for something better. I can only be myself but im consistently left feeling like being myself isnt good enough.

TheadoreT

What are your perceived "negative traits"? There's an undercurrent of lack of self worth that you'd probably benefit from some therapy to work through.

You're saying guys are always looking for something better while you're personally writing off 90% of guys because they don't have the bare minimum of what you're looking for. So you're kinda doing the same thing. Again I wouldn't perceive them talking about themselves too much as them being selfish, rather just probably a combination of being nervous and filling silences and trying to impress you. If they knew all they had to do was relax, keep strong eye contact and positive body language, be funny and ask you plenty about yourself I'm sure they would.

The 10% that are more attuned to attraction are probably dating lots of women and feeding your self fulfilled profecy about you not being good enough and guys always looking for something better.

So my advice would be to work on your self worth and work a little harder on the ones you're writing off for not immediately giving you them fireworks.

bitofabind

You don't sound very proactive in your dating life. It sounds like you're leaving it to chance, and then following rather than leading. Like dating the wrong guys just "happens" to you, rather than you proactively seeking out the type of man you're interested in.

I can relate because it's largely a societal thing: that stereotype of the woman in the corner waiting to be hit on, as opposed to actively putting herself out there and making the approach. Plus, it's kind of less scary that way. But it also gets you into this situation of not meeting like-minded people and feeling a bit hopeless and powerless about it all.

What would it take for you to have the confidence to 1. recognise what you need in a relationship that's going to work for you and 2. lead with that and take action to find it on the dating scene? For me, it took a lot of therapy to unpack the "100 men in a room and typical me meets the 1 asshole every time" hole I found myself in; then it took time off from dating and time invested in building my life up around what I actually value and need. It took me learning not to get validation from external things: men, career, keeping up appearances, and instead learning to see my value from the inside out: believing I'm good to the core and therefore deserve good things. When you feel that way about yourself, you tend to have less time to sit passively by and wait for the next incompatible man to come along and tell you what you're worth. You can see that incompatibility from a mile off and are better at moving on and asserting what you need.

My advice would be, this is a bit of an inside job. You sound lovely, kind, well-rounded and like you have a lot to bring to the table. How can you connect with that a little more? What would it take to really believe that and to become your best advocate? Someone who doesn't entertain things that doesn't work and that leads with her own needs?

Donald Trump

Decide what you want and make choices based on that.

It's quite common, from my own observations, for women to say they want certain things but when it comes to decision making, choose a path that is less likely to result in those things. They are entitled to choose whatever they want.

If I keep saying I want to lose weight, but then at every opportunity, rather than choosing the salad I go up and fill my plate with curried chips and dessert at the buffet, I can't really blame anyone else.