Partner of a person who lost a child. Need help please

sunnie

Hi. Firstly I am new to boards. If I am posting in the wrong area please let me know as I do not want to upset anyone.

I am married. Three young children. My partner lost is teenage daughter a few years ago. He/she has been very very angry since. Especially with me. Everything I say and do is wrong and abusive. A few years on we were all getting on well for the first time since it happened but lately as it’s coming up to Christmas things have gone bad again. Very angry, unapproachable. The children have picked up on it too.

i would really appreciate any advice on how to deal or anything really to help lessen the situation or any idea what’s going through this person head. Thank you

Big Bag of Chips

Hi sunnie,

I've moved your post to the Relationship Issues Forum as it's probably better suited here.

Jafin

I can only speculate so don't take anything I say as gospel. It sounds like your partner is projecting their anger at the loss of their daughter on to you. While your partner is most likely not actually angry at you, they are taking it out on you. It's possibly that Christmas coming up may have triggered some trauma again, as Christmas is generally regarded as a happy time to have your family around and spend extra time with children, one of whom your partner no longer has. Have they sought therapy since the loss of their daughter? If not, I think it could be very beneficial.

I know it's easy for me to sit behind a computer and tell you to get your partner to seek therapy, but actually doing that is not so easy. How do you think it would go if you asked them to sit down for a serious conversation where you explain how their anger makes you feel and that therapy might be needed?

HildaOgdenx

Agree with pp. Christmas can bring out all sorts of stuff for all of us. There's so much emphasis on family and jollity and perfection and all the rest of it. It will of course bring to mind those who are no longer with us.

Their sorrow is turning to anger - which is a natural part of grief - but is being directed towards you, unfortunately, and that is simply unfair. As pp suggested perhaps therapy would be beneficial to them.

There are some links here that might help.

https://www2.hse.ie/mental-health/services-support/bereavement/

In the longer term, both of you might find it helpful to attend relationship counselling also.

All the best.

JoChervil

OP, anger is very often caused by fear. So try not to react to it, don't become defensive. They are emotionally weaker than you because of their loss, so try to keep cool and don't get provoked in any escalation of the situation.

Try to figure out, what your partner is afraid of. Maybe they are afraid of losing you as well. People might provoke their biggest scare. They might become so unbearable, so you could consider leaving them. Don't allow be led that route.

When they get angry, just give them a hug. Or ask what they worry about (probably losing). It might diffuse situation on the spot. Yet the therapy would help in a longer run.

Maybe they never grieved properly. They might need a proper cry. Attacking you they want you to attack them back to enforce their defence against becoming vulnerable. So try to act opposite. Show compassion, it might make them cry.

It's good that you already see them not as an angry person, only as a hurting one.

Airyfairy12

Have the been to grief therapy? they need to go back to it, theyre really struggling by the sounds of it. Depression and feelings of sadness, guilt and general mixed emotions can come out as anger and it sounds like its eating your partner up. They need help and support to deal with and accept what happened.

Tombo2001

OP

Not your fault.

You dont deserve to be abused.

That has to be your starting point.

What to do next is the question.

If it was me, I would go to a psychotherapist to talk. Why? This is one of those very difficult life situations, that on the one hand has a huge bearing on your mental health (and your children); and on the other hand, you probably dont have many people you can talk to about it.

Thats not you being 'sick' or incapable; in my experience psychotherapy is a safe place where you can discuss really personal things that have overwhelmed you. And it helps you make decisions in your head, to find options, and find the strength and conviction to take next steps, if any.

I cant tell you what to do with your partner, nor should I, nor should anyone on boards. Am just giving you guidance about how I would start to approach the subject.