Dating: How are we all doing?

Have known for quite a while that children weren't for me. I'm the eldest of my siblings and I see day in, day out how taxing it is. The mental, physical, and financial strain. Feck that for a game of toy soldiers.

So I had the snip, and I have to say It's a MASSIVE weight off my shoulders. Was a nightmare to arrange because of my age obviously. Got everything from the "you'll change your mind" to literally chuckling at me on the phone when trying to arrange an appointment. Have to send off a sample to make sure I'm in the clear, but the procedure is done, and that's the main thing.

How are you all doing dating wise? I'm on a few apps myself, but mainly use Bumble. I pay for premium so I can use the advanced filters. Sad, I know, but sure look. I filter out people who mention they "want someday" when it comes to kids but I'm left with like 10 people a week to swipe on before I'm told there's no one else around.

I'm happy with my choice and I would not go back if I could, but dear lord. Does everyone want kids or what?

Hope everyone's having a good day

Cheers

Faith

I think a lot of people will be very uncertain at your age, or will think “i won’t rule it out, I’ll come back to it in 10 years and see how I feel then”. You’re probably doing yourself a disservice using that as a filter in this early stage of your life, although I get why you’re doing it.

For context, I met my husband when I was 21 and he was 26. I was 95% sure I didn’t want kids and he’d never thought about it. During our first conversation on the topic, he said he wanted one down the line. Over the years, he moved towards my position of not wanting any. When we got engaged, I very frankly told him that if he had any doubts about not having kids, to follow his heart and find someone else. I still check in every so often, just in case, and we’re 35 and 40 now!

Many women your age haven’t ever seriously thought about whether they want kids or not, they just assume they’ll have them. That can change with time though, so I wouldn’t rule out casual relationships with ambivalent or unsure people because their minds can swing both ways. Yeah, you run the risk of an unpleasant break up, but the other side of it is you risk excluding the woman you might otherwise spend your life with.

(But also, back in the day I briefly used a dating website that allowed you to have a questionnaire thing on it. I set one of the questions as “I definitely want kids in the future” and 100% of men answered yes to that. My best guess is they thought that’s what I wanted to hear, rather than it being the whole truth, so bear in mind we present a curated version of ourselves online designed to maximise our appeal.)

I've thought about that actually. Doing myself a disservice with the filters I mean. The hesitance I suppose to knock the kids filter on the head is wanting to avoid complications and inevitable breakups. Don't deal with them well.

I can see why there are many that haven't given the topic a lot of thought. Suppose I'm just on top of things so to speak. The doctor who performed the vasectomy for me said that the age men are coming in looking for vasectomies is getting younger. Can't remember if he said as young as me, but I doubt I'm the first my age that tried. He did say when I spoke to him on the day of the snip that he couldn't have done it when I was first in touch with him. Can't fault him for that.

I'm not entirely ruling out casual relationships, but they aren't my preference anyway. Assuming we're thinking the same thing when we say casual. Very hard to pull off while living in the family home.

That last part is interesting. Think I'm looking at this very linearly.

Faith

If you're trying to avoid break ups, then you're probably on a hiding to nothing anyway. I know so many people who've changed their minds about children, either going from yes to no, or no to yes. Although I haven't personally experienced anything that even remotely resembles a biological clock ticking, I've heard of others who had dramatic swings towards wanting a child that took them totally by surprise. I have a friend who hit 38 and realised the clock was running out when a GP talked her into having a fertility test, and suddenly she started wanting a child. Previously, her relationship had nearly ended as she didn't want kids and he did, then he moved to her position and she suddenly moved to his. As life happens, other thing cropped up, including serious health issues, so it's now 2 years later and I don't think they ever started seriously trying.

All I'm saying is, the decision to have or not have kids isn't always linear, as you say. Many will know one way or another from a young age, others will decide with time and circumstance.