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Waiting to be discovered - how to get out there

  • 04-11-2022 11:36pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 9


    Hi,

    I'm having a very difficult time at the minute. I've been in counselling for most of my adult life due to a lack of confidence and inability to integrate socially. I don't have Autism nor Asperger's.

    At the start of the covid I moved home to be with my parents - the thinking was that it would only be a for a month or so and I'd move back. I kept my apartment for about 8 months before releasing it as it never looked like things would return to normal. during this period of time my father's health started to decline - non covid related. Although we had a difficult relationship when I was younger it improved in recent years. He died suddenly this year.

    I'm still living at home, now just myself and my mother. I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but I've always had problems socialising and mixing. It has caused me to withdraw and meant that I've not had any success in love/relationships. I'm now incapable of doing anything to help my situation. I'm essentially paralysed and screaming for someone to come and get me, but I need to get out.

    I'm 45 and I'm feeling despair for the years ahead of me as in all likelihood I'll never have a relationship and no children. I just don't see the point anymore. I have been struggling to get a solid night sleep for quite a while now - I waken up about am and the thoughts and hatred of my social impotence wreck my mind. My life is a life of regrets. Things that almost all other people can do is 'impossible' to me. I'm scared of making a fool of myself.

    I've got a good job and make decent money - I worked hard due to having no social life. I work from home as the office closed and no-one really went back in. Due to my sleep issues I know my productivity has declined. It's far away too, so I'd have to spend a large portion of my week (15 - 20hrs) commuting or move back to city.

    I live on a farm and I'm regretting that I've got no family to pass it onto - regardless of whether they want to farm it or not. I've no other family that I would wish it to go to. It breaks my heart that the land that my father and grandfather worked their life on will be gone from the family due to my uselessness.

    I don't know whether this is a mid-life crisis or something to do with my father's passing, but I'm in bits and don't know how to get my stuff together.

    I know that people will say that family life and kids is not rosy, and I understand that, but the loneliness and isolation I'm feeling now cannot be any worse. I just know that at my age, the chances of finding someone and having children with them is unlikely and the chances of having a baby with health issues or conditions multiplies.

    I see all my cousins and peers with their growing families and life and suchlike and I feel so stupid and worthless. I know that all behind closed doors might be different, but I just don't see the point of all this without a reason.

    I just want to know how to live. How do I get out. I've spoken with GP and am on medication for depression and am attending counselling - it was via telephone during covid, but now it is alternating with face to face due to the commute.

    My counsellor says I'm waiting for someone to discover me - that won't happen and I need to get out. I feel so stupid and who would want to be with someone in mid 40's who still lives with their mammy.

    Does anyone have any advice to spur me into getting out there?


    Thanks for reading.

    Post edited by Hannibal_Smith on


Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,203 ✭✭✭Tork


    What I noticed as I read down through this was that you didn't mention any friends or a desire to develop any sort of social life at all. A lot of your post was about your regrets about not having met someone or had children. It's all about having or not having a partner and a family. It's obvious that you're lonely and feel you've gone down a cul-de-sac. My worry is that you've come to see meeting somebody as a silver bullet to change your life. Is it time to readjust your expectations and see a partner as someone to complement your life, not to save you? Even though you live in a rural area, I'm sure there are opportunities to meet other people in your locality. Is there a Tidy Towns organisation in the local village? Something else you could volunteer with? I think it'd be better for you if you shelved your thoughts of meeting somebody for now, and worked on trying to build a better social circle. Alternatively, you could just go on Tinder and start swiping. I'm sure somebody will be along to suggest that...



  • Registered Users Posts: 930 ✭✭✭TheadoreT


    Firstly sorry for the loss of your father, you'll still be grieving so don't bury those feelings.

    Your therapist is right though, you said earlier in the post you're screaming for someone to come and get you. I'm afraid life doesn't work like that. Vast majority of us need to go pursue things in life. And we're all rubbish at most things to begin with, but nobody really cares, you've got to persevere through all the failures to eventually get better at anything. You're seemingly giving up at the first hurdle and using your self fulfilling profecy that you're "useless" to justify those failures when in reality you just haven't practiced or failed enough to get better.

    I know covid has had the lasting effect of pushing people on the edge of society even further towards lack of human contact but you need to correct that yourself. I'd suggest changing jobs to a more lively area with bussling office life. But regardless you definitely need to address your lack of friendship as above poster mentioned. Volunteer, join groups, pursue your hobbies? Anything that gets you mixing with people regularly. And exercise regularly if you're not already, preferably with others, running groups, trekking groups ect - great for meeting likeminded people

    I'm aware motivation for any of this is difficult with depression. But there really isn't any of magic formula to solving your issues, or someone about to come save you one of these days. It's just bloody consistent hard work to force social interactions until things feel slightly less awkward and then even more hard work until they eventually become fun. And then maybe you'll have a life where you're ready to attract a partner. Get living OP.



  • Registered Users Posts: 9 throwawayabc11


    I have friends. However they are in different places now and married with families. So we rarely get to meet up. We do be in contact over WA.

    My hobby was traveling - which was solo traveling. I stopped group travel as I preferred the ability to set my own routine and not be herded about.

    I enjoy movies too. The only real groups in my home town are GAA. I'm not into that.



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,929 ✭✭✭rolling boh


    You have to find ways to start mixing with people and get practice in talking to people not looking for dates just now .I know interests are always suggested but they are a great chance to ease yourself into something .Think about something you could get to like even and is there anything going on locally that could give you a chance to join in.You say you have some friends are there any in particular you could reach out to and meet up with and have a chat with .It is difficult to go out of your comfort zone maybe even harder in rural areas but a couple of small steps could really change things for you .



  • Registered Users Posts: 930 ✭✭✭TheadoreT


    If your job is fully work from home now and you have plenty of money and like travelling why not do digital nomad for a year or two then? If you have that strong urge to see the world and you're stuck in a small town you're deeply misaligned with your lifes purpose and it will be difficult to ever be content. There'll always be a million easy excuses to stay(farm/mother ect) but its your life and I doubt anyone would begrudge you chasing fulfilment. The only real thing that's stopping you is you yourself.

    And re your friends that's life too, we all go through stages where we lose/or have less contact with people who were a bigger part of our lives in the past, but we need to keep evolving and finding new people who align with our current status.

    You seem to have a mindset that if you just find a partner(or she finds you) it will solve everything but it's completely flawed, and that urge will probably hinder anything from ever getting off the ground in the first place. Enrich your life first and find happiness within yourself and then you'll be at the point to attract someone to compliment your already content being.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 9 throwawayabc11


    In reality I know that a partner will not make my life better. I hate the idea of not having a family and at 45 I know my time is running out quickly. However, dating apps are my only hope and I don't know if I'll fair well on there. In hindsight I've wasted most of my adult life living in fear of doing and trying things. I can't turn back time, but I think I should be allowed to grieve for wasted time.

    I do (did) travel solo a lot. North & South America and mainland Europe many times. I was planning a European trip again when Covid broke out. I'm thinking of resurrecting this plan for either Dec or Jan -probably Jan as post Xmas makes things 'cheaper' and less hectic.



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,929 ✭✭✭rolling boh


    If you do go on another solo trip would you just come back to the same situation again ?



  • Registered Users Posts: 9 throwawayabc11


    Probably, but at least I'd have gotten away for a while. I like travelling - why would I not go?



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,929 ✭✭✭rolling boh


    No reason at all just your post concerned getting out and possibly meeting people to have in your life so that's where I was coming from .If you don't address that you will back in the same rut that you were in before .



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    While you can by all means grieve for the time you have misspent or lost - it certainly pays to be careful you are not doing so to the extent that you are investing yet more time into that process. One can find balance there where one grieves for an empty past but while filling the future.

    You say there is nothing but GAA groups in your area. Without knowing your area I can not push back on that claim. What I can say however is that it is a claim I have heard others make before and when I looked myself - it turned out to be false.

    The issue in fact was that these people did not know what to look for. They could only google the ideas they had. They did not find the other things that existed solely because they did not think to google them. They half hardheartedly googled a few words like "sport" and "club" or had a quick scroll on meetup.com. One guy I can think of failed to notice he was surrounded by a number of martial arts clubs, a couple of dance classes, an archery group, horse riding lessons, a hiking group and many more. In the end he also got two dogs and joined a local meetup group based around dogs, dog training and dog walking.

    From my own experience I was historically something of a lay about loser who also believed I would never get into a relationship or make anything of myself. I was also hyper depressed about wasted time in much the same way you are. In the end I decided to give up on all of that and just walk my own path in life. I was pretty much "MGTOW" before the term "MGTOW" existed I guess. But once I started walking this path of personal self improvement and exploration - suddenly all the other things fell into place. Even the things I had 100% decided to give up on. Like a relationship just happened and I am still in that relationship today. All I did was to start small and very slowly build up.

    It may pay off for you to take a stoicism approach to the current situation. By this I mean the practice of listing all the issues you have in your life that you are unhappy with and splitting them into things you can directly control or change or influence - and things that are moderately or even completely out of your control. From this you can identify a small number - even if it is just one - thing that you can focus on and work on changing here and now. Rather than letting the entire situation of your life as a whole over whelm you and seem hopeless - you break it down into a few small (even one) action points you can hammer on straight away. Focus on them until you are happy you are on top of them. Then re-evaluate. And during that re-evaluation you might find that either A) other things on your list have just improved as a result of the things you worked on or B) other things more towards the "Can not control" side of the ledger are suddenly much closer to the "controllable" side.

    For example you can not simply click your fingers and meet a romantic partner tomorrow. So this could be on the moderately or totally out of your control list for now.

    However you mentioned how living at home with your mother is a drain on your feelings of self confidence, meaning, personal autonomy and well being. You mentioned two options of staying where you are, or moving to a place in the city where you can commute to work. But what about a third option of simply moving out without a view to commuting? If you work from home and do not need to commute to an office - you are likely relatively flexible in where you could live. And getting out to live by yourself or in a house share with someone your own age, a peer or whatever, is certainly much more in the "Things I can control" side of the ledger above. It is a step that potentially will feed positively into other areas like your feeling of personal autonomy and being an adult who can "adult". A positive source of meaning, well being, and self confidence rather than an active drain on same. Gestalt Psychology for example would suggest that taking ownership and control over your living situation in this way could potential benefit you a lot. Dip into some podcasts from Blindboy where he discusses Gestalt Psychology and the idea of "completing a gestalt" in your day to day life.

    Trouble sleeping is also something you can take a swing at in the "Things I can influence" side of the ledger. There are all kinds of influences on good sleep. You could try one of these. Or even better try them all. Look at exercise, sport, training, diet, meditation, home lifestyle, your daily time table and more to influence your sleep. Listen to the Andrew Hubermann podcasts on sleep too. You might find inspiration in what he teaches there and its a topic he has touched often.

    I myself - to give you an example - am someone who used to suffer deeply from depression. These days I am on top of it and work hard to stay on top of it. But I know if I ever became complacent I would fall right back into depression. I am on top of depression these days in the same way as someone saying "I am an alcoholic and I have not had a drink in 10 years". They have done wonders in abstinence. But they are still an alcoholic and they are aware of that. One huge thing for me is that depression was always something that came most often in the night. So I live by a strict time table where I get up at 4am and I go to bed early. So I am sleeping during the hours when I am most vulnerable to depressions. And then I am popping up at 4am and going for a 10-20k run which feels great.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,639 ✭✭✭completedit


    Same situation. It's bleak man. I'm 33 and living in Dublin so slightly better but yeah, that's the way the cookie crumbles unfortunately. Most men don't reproduce.



  • Registered Users Posts: 5,314 ✭✭✭ofcork


    Im similar 51 living at home with mother average job friends all married been shy all my life,never found a way to beat it.



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,929 ✭✭✭rolling boh


    Both the last two posters might just think about a couple of the points in some of the earlier posts you can change things if you give it a go .



  • Registered Users Posts: 9 throwawayabc11


    Not far behind ya. Don't think I'll get my head above water either.



  • Registered Users Posts: 9 throwawayabc11



    Lost my password so only getting back on now - this update to Boards is a POS.

    While you can by all means grieve for the time you have misspent or lost - it certainly pays to be careful you are not doing so to the extent that you are investing yet more time into that process. One can find balance there where one grieves for an empty past but while filling the future.

    That would be part of the problem - I'm too busy grieving for the past that I can do nothing about the present or future.

    You say there is nothing but GAA groups in your area. Without knowing your area I cannot push back on that claim. What I can say however is that it is a claim I have heard others make before and when I looked myself - it turned out to be false.

    I don't have many interests. I put in a home gym for myself as the nearest one is about 50min round trip. Not used it much though as I've lost all motivation. Even if I did find a club I was interested in I wouldn't go as I just can't break the chains.

    I think I'm in so deep a depression that I can't do anything. It's a waste of a life and truthfully I should be excelling at life as I've got land, health and a good job - but I've made a mess of the personal side and it's probably too late now to resolve it.



  • Registered Users Posts: 9 throwawayabc11


    At least you have a few years left in the tank ahead of me to get it sorted. I don't know how you get it sorted but I hope you figure something out.



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    It certainly sounds like forgiving yourself for how you feel you have misspent your past is an important step. Grieving is a funny word. It might feel silly but perhaps you could even have a funeral for it and say goodbye to it once and for all. Maybe say a few words and burn some things that represent that lost time. Preferably burn some things that are involved in how you wasted that time.

    But "waste" is also a funny word. I have often heard successful people talk about how failure is actually success on a long enough time scale. Meaning that few if any of them suddenly woke up successful or complete. Their path to their current situation was littered with failures and regrets. There is a whiteboard in my Jujitsu club and occasionally people randomly write things on it. Just yesterday someone had written something like "A winner is just a loser who tried one more time".

    It certainly is never too late to resolve or change things. The trick is to find something in your life that gives you meaning. That is not easy to do. Some people find it quickly. Others never find it. While very many find it but it takes time and effort. But it is never too late. Google for example Betty Broadhurst. She discovered Brazilian Jujitsu at the age of 54. Then at age 65 having won a world masters championship fight she was awarded her black belt. There are people who return to University/College in their 50s and get doctorates and degrees.

    Did you consider at all what I wrote about your ability to find your own housing anywhere since you work from home? That living alone or with peers could be important for you? Please listen to the two blindboy podcasts that he did with Rory Hearne. November 24th of this month and June 2021. While they are talking about the housing crisis, in it they discuss the effect on depression and well being that moving home to live with your parents can have. Which could be very relevant to you. You might see a lot of yourself in what they say there.

    As for things like the Home Gym. It can be very hard to get the motivation for such things. Especially as many people who throw themselves into such things try to do too much too soon. And that can often lead to a failure of motivation. I remember back in my total lay about loser days I tried to get into running. 5k or 10k. I managed to motivate myself to do it once. Then didn't do it again for weeks or months. Fail.

    In the end what I did instead was a little ridiculous at first but it worked. I simply went for a run 1 minute down the road and back again. I literally spent 10 times longer getting ready to go for the run than I did in the actual run. But the next day I did 2 minutes. The next day 3 minutes. Suddenly after only a few weeks I was running an hour a day and motivation was not a problem. Because by the time the length of time I was running managed to get long and significant - I had already built the routine into my life. And assimilating a new routine into your life is often harder than the thing itself. So go to your home gym. Today not tomorrow next Monday or on the 1st of January. And do one thing in it. Just lift one weight once even. Then feel proud that you set a target and achieved it and got after it. Then tomorrow do 2. The next day do 3.

    You are unlikely to get your life to where you want it to be with some over night magic bullet. Which your thread sounds like you are looking for. It likely will not work that way. But you can focus on one or two little things like your housing situation and your fitness routine like I wrote above. Get them done. And then two things will hopefully happen. 1) When you get them into a place you want you will be in a better position to tackle the next one or two issues on the list and 2) You will simply feel better too having simultaneously achieved something, improved yourself and your situation, and put yourself in a mentally and physically healthier place.

    The only other alternative I can think of is to radically and entirely upend and change your life. Like literally sell up everything and start a new life somewhere totally different. You did say you like travel after all. You could even move to a place where you can do work that will genuinely change the lives of those around you and make the world a better place. On that note I would strongly recommend podcast #128 by "The two Norries". In it they interview a cork man who moved to Kenya and how he set up his own charity there and has lived there ever since. Hell after listening to that podcast I myself felt part of me dreaming of selling up and going out there to join him and do the work with him. Very moving and inspirational stuff.



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,014 ✭✭✭✭bucketybuck


    Sounds like you are beating yourself up about not finding a relationship and stressing so hard about finding one now before "time runs out", that you haven't stopped to consider whether you actually need one at all.

    You are 45, it is what it is, so would it not be liberating to accept that true love is a thing for kids and that you are past that stage. So take it off the table then and find other ways to spend your remaining years.

    No more ticking clock in the back of your mind, no more anxiety about the passing years, yes you missed out but its done now and you don't get a do-over so **** it, might as well relax and put the feet up.

    Like I say, it can be liberating to accept that you failed the exam, it means you don't have to worry about it any more. So stop worrying and go a different direction instead.



  • Registered Users Posts: 13,287 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    @bucketybuck I'm not sure telling the OP that love is a thing for kids is in any way helpful, even if I can kind of see how you thought it might be.

    OP, it strikes me you're trapped in a vicious circle of thought processes that are essentially creating a self-fulfilling prophesy for you. You've talked yourself into giving up before you even try because you've convinced yourself that the outcome is inevitable. It's not.

    I think CBT would really help you. Would you consider it?

    And I do agree with one thing BB said - there may come a time where you need to make peace with the fact that you might be single forever. But it needs to be a genuine peace and one made in comfort and security. I did so years ago, then found love again this year at 40 when I thought that ship had sailed for good.

    I wish you the very best of luck.



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,377 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    Im so sorry to hear about the loss of your poor dad, the death of a parent is an earth shattering experience and its no wonder youre looking back on your life and thinking about how things could be different.

    For your sleep, have you tried antihistamines? You can buy them over the counter and theyre great for getting a good night sleep without being addictive like sleeping tablets.

    Youve said youve been in counselling for years, thats great but I wonder what progress youve made? Your post comes across like you have quite low self esteem, negative thinking patterns and an overall defeatist attitutde, have you addressed these issues in counselling? Has your therapist suggested anything helpful or has the process been like running a hamster wheel?

    Have you looked into other types of therapies like group therapy, drama, art or music therapy? You dont need any creative skill or experience but it could be a good way to get yourself out of your shell! (Its never too late)

    Ive always thought of working through trauma, long standing mental health issues, unhelpful personality traits like taking two steps forward, 10 steps back! Its such a slow, frustrating and painful process but over time you begin to improve and notice all the little wins! It really is never too late!! You just have to keep working hard at it and never give up on yourself.

    I think you need to put finding a relationship on the backburner for now, in the mean time focus on developing your emotional wellbeing, maturity and development, work on your attachment and how you relate and connect to people, learn how to be a good friend, become that and over time, you will naturally draw people to you, it takes time and you have to be patient and consistent in changing your mindset and working on yourself but it does work!!


    There are lots of men your age who are single and childless, I think its become really common for allot of men to not settle down at all and remain single their whole lives, youre not alone in your situation.

    Would hiking be an option for you to meet new people? There are hiking groups all over the country, its also a great way for keeping fit and is good for the mind too.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 9 throwawayabc11


    You are 45, it is what it is, so would it not be liberating to accept that true love is a thing for kids and that you are past that stage. So take it off the table then and find other ways to spend your remaining years.

    Is that really correct? Sounds like you are saying there is no point in anyone over the age of 45 having a relationship.



  • Registered Users Posts: 9 throwawayabc11


    I think CBT would really help you. Would you consider it?

    I've tried it in the past unsuccessfully. I really don't want to be changing counsellors again, as I would be back to the starting point.


    And I do agree with one thing BB said - there may come a time where you need to make peace with the fact that you might be single forever

    But I've never tried. I've always stood on the sidelines too scared to try and put myself out there. I think I should at least try.


    For your sleep, have you tried antihistamines?

    No, but I've started exercising at home now with a home gym that I've built. It helps, but with the cold snap it is difficult to do anything out in the garage at the minute.


    Youve said youve been in counselling for years, thats great but I wonder what progress youve made? Your post comes across like you have quite low self esteem, negative thinking patterns and an overall defeatist attitutde, have you addressed these issues in counselling? Has your therapist suggested anything helpful or has the process been like running a hamster wheel?

    It has been the main focus - how there is a voice in my head that is destroying me with negativity. It has been difficult and slow - it was never tackled by previous counsellors and it is ongoing with this one. I can destroy anything good in my life with my negativity and push people away. I can also have passive aggressive tendencies. Like recently I seen some photos of relations on FB out with their kids at Santa and it put me into a really bad mood/rage about how I am such a failure and will not have children in my life. It sounds like I'm a sh1te person, but I'm just so down on my self and worried about what everyone thinks about me.


    Have you looked into other types of therapies like group therapy, drama, art or music therapy? You dont need any creative skill or experience but it could be a good way to get yourself out of your shell! (Its never too late)

    Definitive no to anything other than 1-2-1 therapy. I don't want anyone to know I'm in therapy.


    I think you need to put finding a relationship on the backburner for now, in the mean time focus on developing your emotional wellbeing, maturity and development, work on your attachment and how you relate and connect to people, learn how to be a good friend, become that and over time, you will naturally draw people to you, it takes time and you have to be patient and consistent in changing your mindset and working on yourself but it does work!!

    I just want to experience what a relationship is like and have someone to go places and do things with. My friends and people I know are all in LTR's and we do not socialise as a group often. A lot of their social life centres around the kids. Hobbies and interests are few and far between.


    There are lots of men your age who are single and childless, I think its become really common for allot of men to not settle down at all and remain single their whole lives, youre not alone in your situation.

    What makes it hurt so much is that the farm my father and grandfather worked hard to build up is now in my hands and I'm looking like the last in the line who will farm it. I feel like an complete incompetent, impotent waster. You might not understand this feeling if you are not from a farming background - not sure if it is the same in other family businesses. But it hurts. These feelings have come to the fore since my father died and I guess a midlife crisis alongside his death has really screwed me up. Might sound like I only want a wife to produce an heir, but even before his death I've been jealous of friends who have partners and LTR's. I've had no relationships nor intimacy and I just feel really awkward, stupid and like I'm some type of mistake or malfunctioning person.


    Would hiking be an option for you to meet new people? There are hiking groups all over the country, its also a great way for keeping fit and is good for the mind too.

    Getting out to do anything is a struggle for me. It's taken me a week to get myself together to reply to this thread. Joining a club and going out to meet a bunch of strangers - well you may as well ask me to break the enigma code blindfolded. I just can't comprehend how people can sign up and join a club and go to meet people they don't know - it seems absolutely bewildering and impossible to me that people can do this. I appreciate that it may be difficult for many of them, but I just can't feel the fear and do it anyway - whereas they can. Why are they better than me? Why am I so useless in the regard? It frustrates and irritates me that I'm wreaking my own life with my inability to make a life for myself and it spirals into anger with myself and self resentment for being such a waste of space.

    In reality there is no reason why I couldn't have made a life for myself decades ago - other people are no better nor worse than me, but somehow they managed to cross the bridge and I couldn't. I'm just so annoyed with myself. It seems that I've woken up one day and realised that my life is already half over and I've done nothing, whereas my peers have lived a life. Yet, deep down I know they have their struggles too - I'm not completely stupid. I know I'm only seeing what they have done that I haven't.

    I just struggle to do anything despite me being intelligent enough to know that noone is going to come knocking on my door to get me. I've got to get out there. But I simply cannot do that. Why? Why am I so fekking impotent?



  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,799 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    You're right OP when you say everyone has their struggles. No one has it all figured out at least I've yet to meet anyone that has. Everyone has stresses and strains and limits. You're not in any way malfunctioning.

    Meeting people in organised social groups isn't for me. Generally I can banter away freely if I'm comfortable, but if I'm nervous I end up saying something off and there's the first impression ruined! There are some groups around that do 5 a side football and things like that. I'd find that a much better way of meeting people. A bit of craic with an activity where the banter can flow freely about what you're doing suits me way better - maybe that might work for you?

    You're absolutely not a waste of space. Being in a relationship is not a sign that you have life sussed. At all. No one is judging you as harshly as you're judging yourself and there's no need to be so hard on yourself. Keep working with the counsellor but keep the goal in mind. You would like to meet someone, in order to do that getting out and meeting people would be a good start.



  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,651 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    In your first post, you say that you're not autistic, but I'm wondering how you know for certain? I see a lot of possible markers in your posts tbh. I've worked with a lot of autistic people where it's far from obvious that they're autistic, but they present very similarly to you - lack of motivation, inability to understand how others engage in social settings, difficulties establishing and maintaining intimate relationships, incredible negative self-worth and self-image, hyperfocused on their own perceived failings and flaws, feeling incredibly stuck despite years of therapy... Have you had a formal assessment in recent years?

    https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/signs/adults/



  • Registered Users Posts: 28,614 ✭✭✭✭Wanderer78


    first thing i thought, being autistic myself.... id like to know how the conclusion was made that this isnt the case here!



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,072 ✭✭✭salonfire


    Rubbish, stop going around labelling people especially after that person visiting professionals.

    OP, I don't know if you go out to the pubs. You are the age now where you could go out and be a regular without looking out of place/a loner.

    Go to your nearest large town/city, stay over if you have to, and go round some of the busier bars for pints. You'll relax into it as the night goes on and could end up getting chatting to others, even a bit of small talk at the bar. You can always bail out early and try again the next weekend.

    That's the purpose of people going to pubs for pints despite the inconvenience of not being able to drive, the cost and hangover. To become more sociable, out of the house and the chance of meeting the opposite sex.

    Post edited by salonfire on


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,295 ✭✭✭santana75


    Op you're immersed in negativity and self pity, thats the problem. Feeling sorry for yourself, adopting a Woe is me attitude in relation to the future..........this will draw you deeper and deeper into the vortex that is pulling you downwards into passivity. Theres only one thing you have to do: TRY. Just make an attempt. You can sit back and say its all pointless, theres no use in trying because it wont work out but heres the thing, you cant know unless you take a swing. A relationship wont fix your problems, I'm sorry to be the one who has to break that to you. Another person is not the answer, which is something so many single people dont want to hear but its what most married people will tell you. You're only 45 years old! I dont know if you're male or female, but 45 is literally only getting started, so why would you write yourself off so soon? I would advise you to avoid the news, online, tv or print, throw it out of your life entirely. The negativity in the world seeps into your mind and before you know it you've adopted a negative attitude about yourself and your future. Start to introduce hope and motivation into your life, listen to Les Brown talks on Youtube, or Saghuru, fill your mind with optimism, not pessimism. I dont know how many stories I;ve read of people who didnt hit their stride in life until they were in their 60s or older, and those stories are quite common you just dont hear about them because the mainstream news and media is extremely negative, they will report about failure, war, doom and gloom, they will not report about people who overcome and prosper. Its actually quite insidious the way it works but once you start to motivate yourself you'll see things more clearly. The only thing you have to do is TRY, everything else is out of your hands, but you have to try. Try something, anything. Have you ever heard of the Stockdale Paradox? Here it is:

    "You must maintain unwavering faith that you can and will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time you must confront the brutal facts of your current situation whatever that might be"

    I literally read this every morning when I wake up, it sets the tone of my day. If you dont program your mind with optimism the world will program your mind with pessimism, so you have to be active and intentional about keeping yourself motivated. What are your dreams? Every kid has dreams, they have imagination, but the world we live in will beat those dreams out of you if you let it. What is it that you hope for? Even if its something you dont think is possible, this is what you have to start directing your life towards. The bible says Seek and ye shall find and this is the truth. But seek is an active thing, it doesnt say, sit back and be passive and ye shall find, you have to take a step, even if thats listening to something motivational or allowing yourself to dream and imagine a better life. Look youre in a battle here, make no mistake about that and your life is literally on the line here, you get to determine what happens with the rest of your life, thats scary but its also liberating and inspiring. You can allow yourself to fall deeper and deeper into the mire or you can choose to do something and pull yourself out of it. Its a choice, you're not helpless and you do have power. You have to put up a fight otherwise you're just a passenger letting life push you down. Take risks, fight, fill your mind with optimism and read the stockdale paradox every day. If you do that and you dont give up, you'll make it.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8 probablyunavailable


    The OP and a few other contributors have noted a similar problem. It is a tricky situation that many can face at different times in their lives. People can be in situations where their social group has moved away for whatever reason.

    The solution or way forward is different for everyone. My advice is to do what you enjoy. Also be a bit brave and do something out of your comfort zone that you might enjoy, like a dance class for example. There are social groups online that meet for walking or other adventures and interests.

    Some people have suggested volunteering. It is a good suggestion also.

    Between a mix of doing things you enjoy, being a bit brave and also volunteering if possible, you should be able to enjoy what you do and see what happens from there. I wish you and others well.



  • Registered Users Posts: 1 throwawayaccountabc11_again


    Hi throwawayaccountabc11_again

    Thanks for your post and I'm sorry to read what you're going through. Although I appreciate you haven't said you are in any immediate harm, I do think what you're going through goes a little beyond what posters here can help you with. But please know that you do not have to deal with this on your own.

    We encourage people experiencing difficulties to talk to someone they trust and, if appropriate, to go to their GP. If you need help urgently and outside of GP hours, please go to your nearest A&E department.

    Here at Boards.ie our moderators are not trained to support people experiencing difficulties. There are other organisations better positioned to provide specialised support. These organisations are listed below. We hope that you will follow these up so that you can get the help and support you need.

    If you need immediate help:

    Aware’s Support Line is open 7 days per week, 10am-10pm on 1800 804 848

    The Samaritan’s phone line is open 24/7 on 116 123

    Pieta offer one-to-one, face-to-face support. Click ‘Contact us’ to find the phone number and opening hours of your nearest branch on their site or email [email protected] for advice on getting an appointment.

    If you need non-urgent help:

    Aware have a support email service at [email protected]

    Text About It - a free 24/7 text service, providing everything from a calming chat to immediate support for people going through a mental health or emotional crisis - big or small.

    There are also some helpful links to organisations here, which maybe of benefit to you.

    I'll close the thread in the circumstances and wish you well.

    Thanks

    HS

    Post edited by Hannibal_Smith on


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