I think I finally understand my aversion to dating camp guys

eaglach

I've had a very hit and miss dating life, mostly miss, and never understood why. Always figured I had a type and am just very picky. I've always dated what people would say are "masc" guys. While I've no issue with camp guys (and have a couple of camp friends), dating them never crossed my mind.

Recently I got chatting to a guy on Tinder. He seemed nice, chatty, funny good looking etc. I was in two minds about meeting up with him as I had an inkling that he might be camp, but I said I'd go ahead anyways. Sure what's the worst that could happen.

When I met him my "fears" were confirmed. He was on the camp side. He wasn't flamboyant or anything, but he would be a bit effeminate in his mannerisms and dresses a bit more colourful than most!

I went through with the date and ended up really enjoying spending time with him. In fact, I met him two times since. I knew I was into him, but there was still this voice in my head saying that something wasn't right. Then it hit me. I am worried that if I'm out in public, people will think we're a couple!

You might think this is crazy and "so what", but for me, I kind of blend into the crowd. No one would really suspect I'm gay and I don't go shouting it across the hilltops. I'm not ashamed, but just tend to keep things to myself unless it needs to be said. So when I'm with a campish guy I feel like I'm on display.

I know I shouldn't care, but I do. It's probably prevented me from having any meaningful relationships with guys because I just don't give them a chance. It's a selfish and shallow way to think, but it's hard to get over. Even now I'm thinking that dating this guy may not work out in the long run for this exact reason.

I'm not sure anyone here can help me with this issue, but it feels good just typing it out as I finally realise why I'm in the position I'm in. Hopefully I can figure out how to get over this irrational fear I seem to have.

Annasopra

I think you need to goto counselling to be honest. Its not healthy to feel that you are going to be judged negatively and it sounds like internalised homophobia.

I also think you need to actually decide what you want from that relationship. If you want it to go somewhere in the hope you will be happy longterm. Thats great. If you dont then its better off telling him and not stringing him along pretending there might be something in it.

Maz2016

i was about to suggest counselling aswell. I know some counsellors deal with relationship and LGBT issues. If your in Munster I happen to know a counsellor that deals with this so send me a PM and I can pass on his website details.

I get what you are saying though. But just think when you’re in your 60’s or older, would you prefer to be living and perhaps married to a camp man that loves you or being all alone? That’s the way I look at things. Always need to look at the bigger picture

Citrus_8

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119772453#Comment_119772453

I'm probably jumping into this thread a bit late, but just wanted to add another perspective that I sometimes feel unsafe (especially in Dublin centre) beside camp guys - they attract attention. I'm similar to OP like to be more quiet, even though I'm open at work, with family and friends... But in public I try to blend in and me less visible as I already had a few unpleasant situations... Just generally I'm not feeling very safe in public.

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119899852#Comment_119899852

OK. But isnt that more about judging people who are camp?

Citrus_8

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119917210#Comment_119917210

Judging or not, it doesn't change the fact I'd be more likely to be targeted by some dangerous teens being beside the camp guy than not camp.

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119917634#Comment_119917634

Fair enough. You are saying you think if you are in the company of certain people that that puts you more at personal risk. I cant say I understand that perspective at all. I feel like that statement may not intend to be exclusionary/discrimatory but is exclusionary/discriminatory by default - Its more or less saying you cant speak to camp people (or indeed black people or travellers) cause someone might beat you up.

Citrus_8

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119917962#Comment_119917962

Not speak, but hang around in the city, say, in the evening. Other times or elsewhere I'm completely fine with that. Thanks for giving your point of you - it's help me to think through the other perspective ;)

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119772453#Comment_119772453

Load of nonsense. It's what he wants. He doesn't need any kind of manipulation to make him conform to modern sensibilities. This one-size-fits-all fuckery really needs to stop. Whatever happened to strength in diversity?