Partner Resentment

Polycom

Hi all,

Having some relationship issues at the minute, in summary

Married with 2 kids, wife is on extended leave from work minding the kids. I'm in work and career has gone well recently, making us more money. This results in some long hours at times which causes a lot ot friction. Going to work is seen as getting a free pass away from the kids.

Wife is unsure of what to do in their career and gets very frustrated at not having a plan, any help I offer would be shot down very quickly and result in an argument.

My wife refuses to get any help with the kids and won't ask reletives. Despite agreeing we would do this if I took on more at work.

If I go and do anything at the weekends (gym, coffee, walk), she would get pretty upset about it and have plenty of snide comments-but I need time to de-stress

In daily interactions, my wife would be very negative about anything going on, generally not say much in a pleasant way towards me, very little affection shown, go into the other room and watch tv on thier own in the evening. If another person is present, the whole persona changes and they're very positive and pleasant.

Plenty of stress minding kids and all the time in the house during covid will make things difficult. But the lack of positive adult interaction is really wearing, constant negative complaining, snide comments and lack of any affection isn't good!

I'm considering asking her to talk to someone as she won't talk to me without erupting into an argument

Thoughts and opinions welcome

YellowLead

It’s a really tough situation to be in.

At the weekends when you pop to the gym or whatever to de-stress (which you are perfectly entitled to do) do you also offer to stay with the kids for a few hours while she does the same?

Does she shoot down the idea of friends/relatives babysitting at the weekend for a few hours?

I think suggesting she talk to somebody in terms of her career would be a good idea - if she’s feeling lost on that score a bit of a plan might help. I went to a career coach before and found it very useful.

At the end of the day if there’s no intimacy or affection something needs to give - a relationship counsellor for you both might help.

Goodigal

She does sound resentful of you and it's hard to take when you're out earning and she's in between deciding on a career path, but has the madness of children as well.

Can you talk to her at all about how lonely you're feeling? Try to sit down and express just what you did here? I get where she's coming from in a way, but if she's choosing to stay home and refuse any help, it's going to be tough. Do ye get the chance to go out for a coffee or lunch even at the weekend? Would that be a starting point to opening up a discussion about how she's feeling? It sounds like you miss her. She sounds irritated and stressed out. I admire the fact you want to communicate with her - I just hope you can find a way.

Dial Hard

How was your relationship before you took on the extra responsibility at work?

Big Bag of Chips

What has your relationship been like since children came along? Do you make time for each other? Separate to the children. Parents can often focus on everything except each other and the relationship inevitably suffers. Think of when you first got together. You weren't distracted by children, and activities and nappies and washing and constant cooking, feeding, cleaning. You probably shared interests, went out together regularly, went away together, laughed, relaxed, had fun.

Do you still do that? Do you do any of it?

It is very difficult being a stay-at-home parent. It is a thankless job. Nobody gives you credit. You don't get paid. There's very little job satisfaction. It's unending. There's no work colleagues to have the craic with. There are no work nights out. Some people love it. For some it can be very isolating.

I imagine your relationship has changed quite a lot since you first got together. This is not the fault of one of you more than the other. It happens. But it will take one of you to raise it and try to make suggestions on how to come back together. Going out separately is the beginning of the end. You should have separate interests of course, but you should also do things as a couple. Make time for each other and remind each other of why you love each other.

Airyfairy12

Do you share the household responsibilities like cleaning & tidying, laundry, cooking, shopping? Does she get to see her friends & family with out the kids, do you take responsibility for the kids when youre not working? Does she get free time to herself for fun or relaxation? When does she get de - stress time?

anndub

What kind of things are you doing to ensure your wife can live a balanced life with opportunities to de-stress? There's a lot of mention of his your needs aren't being met by her but nothing in the way of how you are meeting her needs?

It's always get easy to lay the entire blame for disharmony at the other person's feet.

Princess Calla

So your career has progressed while hers has stagnated. Was she career driven before taking a break? I remember a district nurse saying to me that in her experience she found "career women" found the adjustment to parenthood extremely hard. Babies tend not to follow rules and procedures.

There's also a power imbalance. She was probably used to earning her own money and being able to spend on trivial things without thinking, I imagine this has been curtailed.

The working lates: do you know before you leave in the morning that it will be a late one or is it a case of sending a text during the day to say you'll be late?

I know it used to drive me spare when I was on maternity getting a text when he was due to be home saying "still here, will be another hour or so" . Even if I wasn't going anywhere I still wanted to switch off and have a hot cup of tea with someone else there to tend to the baby. But also these impromptu texts meant I couldn't arrange anything in the evening as his work came first.

The way she probably sees it is you get the commute to yourself, you get to work have a chat with colleagues, go on a tea break, have an uninterrupted lunch maybe even go out to a restaurant for lunch, continue working having chats and banter, in no panic as you can send a text saying you'll be late, and then you have your commute home.* While she's at home trying to have a wee in peace nevermind hot food.

The thing about asking friends and relatives to help out, nobody really wants to admit they are struggling. Also if you know your having visitors you spend most of the day before in a tizz cleaning the house so it often isn't worth it.

Then at the weekend when the parenting load can be split you head to the gym, leaving her once again with the kids.

There's only so many ways a person can bend before they snap. She's probably feeling that she's at your beck and call which is a horrible way to feel with your partner.

*I'm well aware that commuting can be hell , but when you've been stuck at home with 2 kids ,who are acting like a bag of cats and you're about to lose your mind. A packed dart/bus filled with junkies looks tempting as at least you have the control to get off and get the next one.

Still stihl waters 3

Did ye talk about who would take the career break before she took it, would it have made more sense if you had taken it?

Why is she refusing help from relatives after initially agreeing to it, would you have taken your current career decisions if she had disagreed to any help apart from yours

It seems a lot of stay at home parents make martyrs of themselves refusing help and thinking only they themselves can look after their kids, a lot of it is pride and they become increasingly isolated when people or partners eventually get sick of offering help and realise its easier to go with the flow than try to change them

If money is good would she let an au pair move into the house to help with raising the kids and letting her get back to work, she also needs to understand you've to work and make a living for her and your kids as this won't last forever, the negativity needs to be dealt with as nobody should have to put up with constant complaining after a hard day's work

I hope it works out for both of you OP

notAMember

She sounds completely worn out, overwhelmed, miserable. Resentfulness and cynicism are common signs of burnout. Not being able to accept help is another.

I think your wife needs a decent break from the kids. Can you arrange that someone takes them for a long weekend and the two of you go away for a couple of nights? Obviously not a surprise, but do the legwork and arranging yourself, don't land it on her. If it works out ok, then maybe a longer break.

skallywag

OP, having been there I fully understand your current situation, but your wife really sounds totally unreasonable to me, and seriously so!

Just three points from your post on my reasoning for saying this:

* You discussed this topic with her before you agreed to take on the extra work. During that discussion she said that she would seek help from relatives, but now that you have indeed taken on said work she is refusing. This was clearly a key part of your decision to take on the extra work in the first place. Is she at least offering some type of justification for this significant change?

* She is frustrated with her career plan, which is a completely natural thing to be frustrated at. When you try to be supportive here, however, she turns the conversation into an argument. You cannot support someone if they insist on turning any attempts at support into an argument.

* She puts on a completely different front when others are around. I have been on the receiving end of this type of behavior myself. When alone all that you are getting is negativity, to the point that she will not even sit in the same room as you. You are being sent a clear message that you are the problem, at least that's the way it certainly feels. This is then reinforced with the fact that she suddenly perks up when someone else is around.

I know there is probably more to the situation than what you have put into those few paragraphs, but based purely on what you have written I would say that your wife needs to seriously cop on to herself.

All the best.

TheadoreT

What was the level of attraction or affection at the start? Was it ever sky high? If so you probably have some chance of resolving the issue with work, if not its probably just waned from an already low base.

It doesn't sound like you're actually listening to her though. The fact you can personally rationalise it doesn't matter one bit. Women operate far more in the emotional(only hightened by pressures of rearing young kids). So telling her she needs therapy and that you think she's negative ect is only going to widen the divide and her animosity towards you. You don't get her. You don't get your wife. She's letting you know that by withholding her love.

Life gets a lot easier when you stop trying to fight reason with women. Really get to the bottom of whats shes feeling by persevering with healthy communication. Then listen to her issues, reaffirm them, apologies for how you made her feel and display that you value and respect her. Stay out of the logical and take care of her emotional.

miamee

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119729454#Comment_119729454

Just on the point about her being all smiles and delighted when someone else is in the house - of course she is! In the course of an ordinary day she only has the kids to talk to - not matter how great they are, she still needs adult conversation. When OP comes home - sometimes late - it's possible he wants to know how are the kids, what did they do today, what's up with you, what are you doing about your career, why aren't you happy to see me, where's the affection. If one of her friends calls around they are just happy to see her and spend some time with her. She is probably delighted to see a friendly face and have an adult conversation. It might be about nothing special or it might give a chance to vent to a friend in a similar situation. It's good for her mental health. As @Princess Calla pointed out, OP probably has a tea break in work where he can shoot the breeze with colleagues daily - OP's wife does not and when a friend calls around is her time to shoot the breeze and have some adult conversation.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119733988#Comment_119733988

I think the OP was quite clear when describing that his wife acts very distant and disinterested when engaging with her husband, unless someone else is also present.

This masking, combined with her refusal to accept help or even discuss options, is the real problem here.

jrosen

Does your wife have any hobbies? How does she spend her time when you are home from work?

Coming at it from both sides I remember being very resentful of my husband when I was home with the kids. It can be lonely and as already said thankless and never ending. I used to get angry when he would head to the gym or play football. Things he absolutely loved doing and are really good for him. When I also started to take time for myself, time that my husband encouraged and supported it made all the difference.

Its important for both parties to have time out from their work. Yours is out of the home your wifes inside the home. Are you affording her time off? Are you making sure your available to take over parent duties? Either in the evening or weekends? You need to de stress but so does your wife.

She is clearly frustrated with the balance or lack thereof in the home. Sometimes the plan and reality are very different.

She is not affectionate because of how she feels.

Sounds like she expects you to be a mind reader. You need to set aside some time and have a proper conversation with her and find out what she really wants. If she still avoids this and is disinterested, or brushes it off, you have a major problem. The fact she goes in another room when you come home instead of talking to you is a terrible sign.

Ann84

Maybe she’s completely lost, lost in her career, lost in parenthood, lost in life…? This could be a trigger for depression and if she’s feeling very low, talking to someone should be a when, not an if as it’ll cloud her thoughts and stop her from getting back ok track… also, post-natal depression can hit anytime and not letting people help, trying to do it all, be perfect, put on the happy shoe may be an indicator, definitely try to talk to her but maybe focus on how she just doesn’t seem happy or herself for a start?

My wife refuses to get any help with the kids and won't ask relatives. Despite agreeing we would do this if I took on more at work.

How much of a say did your wife really have in your decision whether to take on more work or not? If you already knew before taking it on, that it would mean more time away from your family - to the extent that your wife would need to depend on others for help with the kids - instead of you being home to do your share - then maybe taking on that work at this time wasn't the best decision?

If I go and do anything at the weekends (gym, coffee, walk), she would get pretty upset about it and have plenty of snide comments-but I need time to de-stress

The gym I can understand, but when going for your coffee or a walk, do you invite your wife and kids to join you or do you head out solo? Could you take the kids with you for a walk, to give her some time to herself? What / when she get time away from her job (the kids) to de-stress?

You don't have to answer these questions, but to be honest, reading between the lines, your post sounds like a classic case of a husband who is not fully seeing or hearing his wife, and then wonders why she is negative, unhappy and not showing any affection towards him.

Neyite

Do you both have equal leisure time, or close to it? Do you both get one lie in a week? Do you pick up some household tasks when you get in?

Really, when you think about it, you BOTH have jobs with long hours and are likely exhausted after it. You might envy the fact that she can putter about at home, she would envy you the ability to finish a cup of coffee while it's still warm. These are the crazy years with kids and it does get easier.

It's assumed that being a stay at home parent is the dream. You are on your own clock, but it's isolating and your clients are unreasonable, childish, changeable, messy, and you can't escalate the complaint nor can you delegate the work or reschedule the tantrum, right? So maybe she feels that she has no right to complain when many of us think that we would give our right arm to stay at home (actually lockdown gave many of us a fresh perspective on that I think!)

The other thing to consider is the concept of wifework - that's where it's assumed that the wife will remember/do all of the life admin. When the baby jabs are due. Present for teacher. Present for MIL. Haircuts. New football boots. Doctors appointments. Chase paperwork from that specialist for this kid and send it to wherever. Remember to renew the TV licence or pay that bill. Remember it's bake sale day for school or dress up day or that on Wednesday it's drama so middle child needs a costume....Not only are you all touched out, you are mentally on the go non stop. Even when you are sitting down with a cuppa or a wine in the evening you could be ordering the Christmas jumpers for Christmas Jumper day or finding a cake for the eldest's birthday... it never stops.

I like the idea of getting a weekend organised. Book it, get the sitters. If money isn't tight, throw in something she would like as a treat, like nails or a hair appointment before hand. And this is important. Don't dress it up as a romantic weekend, especially if your sex life has dwindled lately. In fact make it clear it's not expected. That takes any potential pressure or any expectation other than to have a nice time with each other off the table.