Advice for Father ?

chosen_one

Hi

I'm separated and looking for practical advice for a father as I hear males are subject to horrendous injustices in practice.

In short my wife is nasty, lazy, hoards money and did little no housework, work, or help with bills etc.

I'm looking for real advice as opposed to "Think of the Kids" canned responses from people who don't care what happens to me.

Everything I've done so far is for my kids.

What could I do to avoid injustice and get a fair outcome ?

e.g. Does working and providing put me at a disadvantage ?

Is it more advisable to quit my job to avoid being further used as a bank machine for my abuser ?

Id say may need out of the box thinking to counter bias game.

Thanks

Ring one of the three people - Paddy, Deirdre, Christy - at any of the following numbers today. They are all sound, with extensive experience of the family courts (and understandably big fans of avoiding solicitors insofar as possible): https://www.talk2us.ie/

And then attend the Talk2Us meeting in Clarke's pub in Phibsboro at 8pm tonight, Monday 3 October (and every Monday): https://www.meetup.com/saol-nua-dublin-support-group-for-separated-divorced-people/events/288816189/

I was at a Talk2Us meeting before the summer and a guy was struggling. The ex had got him out from the home and was successfully making a whole slew of financial claims on him. He was foreign and from an Asian country with a notoriously troglodyte attitude to women. He had no solicitor and was representing himself. In every single respect, he was against it while living in a hovel. Then he checked Daft.ie and found his gloating ex had put his old room in the family home up for rent and was getting substantial income from that which she had not declared. He explained this to the judge, in very broken English, showing the evidence and the entire attitude of the judge towards his ex changed. Sometimes, just sometimes, judges can take off their rose-coloured spectacles about the, eh, "fairer sex".

Finally: 1) Never leave the family home; 2) Record/write down everything (keep a daily diary); 3) Remain cool/Never lose your temper; 4) Keep physically fit/walk each day, and eat healthily. These four things are the rock upon which you will successfully see this through.

'Out of life's school of war, that which does not destroy me makes me stronger' - Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols (1888).

mohawk

I'm looking for real advice as opposed to "Think of the Kids" canned responses from people who don't care what happens to me.

The most important people to consider are the kids though. You and your wife come a distant second after them.

Unfortunately, if your wife is a nasty as you say she is it falls on you to rise above it for the sake of the kids. It’s very tough on them if things get nasty and vindictive. You have to be smart even if your angry.

From what I was told some judges are definitely supportive of the fathers in these situations and others aren’t. Legal advice will help you here. You can learn so much in a hours session with a solicitor.

If there abuse in the relationship then mediation is not recommended.

One day you will be free of the relationship and be in a much happier headspace.

chosen_one

Yes the kids are the most important. No doubt there. However I would say this needs to be directed at both adults not just the father. As you mention my wife and I must come second. No question.

Then all things being equal a fair outcome should ensue.

Just roll over and accept injustice is not may way and I cant live with an injustice not so much because it affects me personally but allowing injustices to exist against any gender doesn't sit right with me and my compliance allows it to continue.

I certainly as you say always to aim to rise above toxic behaviour and be calm and smart but do not believe one gender go quietly into the night.

Think of the kids certainly, provided this doesn't also include accepting injustice. This is not the same thing.

Equal rights goes both ways.

mohawk

It’s worth remembering that if you feel your wife won’t play fairly in all this then you need to act like everything you do and say will be noted down by her for use against you. If your sending a text write it from point of view that a third party like a judge will read it one day.

Life isn’t fair and talk of injustice isn’t helpful in this context because you have to remain level headed throughout this process. I am not saying you aren’t entitled to be angry or hurt, but sometimes strong emotions clouds our judgment and we say or do stupid things.

Your right that it’s up to both parties to put the kids needs first. However, realistically this doesn’t always happen some people are just selfish assho1es. It’s so frustrating for the other parent to have to rise above it and put the kids first.

Figure out what you think is your optimal outcome here and get legal advice to see how realistic it is and go from there.