My wife has took up smoking, despite knowing how much I hate it.

SuirGoOn

We have been together for over 10 years and married for over 2 months and she came back from a weekend in Dublin to lay it on thick that she has decided to take up smoking, and she said she doesn't care how I feel about it, and that if I get annoyed then I'm childish, that she's an adult and can do what she likes.

She told me she was gonna have a few fags when she went up to Dublin and came back with this out of nowhere attitude.

I got so upset with her over it. She said "You're not my father, you don't get to boss me around now that you're the married man of the house". I don't know where all this has came from but she seems hell bent on smoking regardless of how I feel.

I personally can't stand the smell of smoke - it makes me sick to my stomach, it gets everywhere, it's passive and it sticks to everything.

I told her if she's made that decision, then I won't kiss her, I won't hug her, I'll sleep in the spare room and I won't sit in the car with her.

She is totally fine with that, she said.

She's gaslighting me then, telling me I'm too bossy, I'm childish and I have a controlling problem (I have never been this way with her except with smoking, I am so against it that if she was ever a smoker when we started dating, I would never continue the relationship - I draw the line at smokers, I can't stand it).

"You get to have a drink of whisky every weekend in this house and I never complained to you about it". Full disclosure I'm not an alcoholic I just like a casual drink on a weekend while we watch a film or TV. She does the same, she has a west coast cooler or two - this is the first time she's ever used it against me....

I'm actually so upset writing this, she doesn't seem to care about how I feel at all about it. I don't know what to do or say now. We've fallen out and we're not talking right now.

Pissy Missy

Wait... A, what I'm presuming is a woman in her late 20s/30s, has started taking up smoking? I can't think of anything more stupid, which makes me wonder if she actually started smoking at a much younger age to begin with

SuirGoOn

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119610108#Comment_119610108

She never smoked before we went out, I think she might have had one or two on weekends out with her friends but since we were together she has never picked up a cigarette and she has known our whole lives together how I felt about it. It's the one thing that I have been 100% against doing.

Call this trivial, it certainly looks that way from the outside looking in, but it's a big deal to me for a myriad of reasons, not to mention my health in and of itself (I'm an asthmatic)

Some mental health issue if she’s started smoking against all the medical knowledge, wisdom & indeed general social disapproval and restrictions there are now. This is crazy stuff. Is she smoking something else in the cigarettes?

A relative of mine with Bipolar Disorder started smoking in her 40d as an act of social defiance during one of her highs and got hooked.

HazeDoll

Something very strange about this.

Adults don't just 'decide' to take up smoking. Just doesn't happen.

I suspect this isn't about cigarettes. She's making a point of some sort and seems to think that as her husband it's your job to figure out what it is.

I would refuse to play along. "I have no idea what's really going on here but there's no way you've suddenly fallen to an overwhelming desire to take up a dirty, expensive and carcinogenic hobby. When you're ready to tell me what the real problem is come and talk to me. In the meantime, I have no interest with arguing with you about cigarettes but please don't smoke in the house."

SuirGoOn

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119610138#Comment_119610138

I have nothing against someone else if they smoke, like if you smoked, or anyone on this thread smoked, I wouldn't have a negative thing to say about anyone, because I don't know anyone here. I don't judge people I don't know on a surface level. It's the feeling of betrayal that I'm getting here, that she knew how much I never liked it, for all the obvious reasons - I am terrified of seeing anyone in my family smoke. My dad and mum quit when I was young, my mum now shares my hate for it and regrets she ever did. She is also asthmatic, as is my sister and brother. My wife has just came home and brought on this whole new side of her I have never seen before and now she's after leaving the house in the car....... like literally 5 minutes ago. She was on the phone to her mother prior to leaving. So now I'm in the bad books

evolvingtipperary101

"You're not my father, you don't get to boss me around now that you're the married man of the house"

Sounds like she's projecting an issue she had with her father onto you and that is bad news...

She told you she was going to have cigs up in Dublin like a bold child telling their parents they're going to do something and there's nothing they can do about it.

What's her relationship with her father?

She's fine with you not touching her and sleeping somewhere else? That's very bad news.

You need to swallow your pride and start talking to her. Make it clear, the marriage is on the line here. I have to think, she's already thought of that and doesn't care. That's very bad news. I'm sorry.

Hopefully it's some sort of mid-life crisis she can get through with help - smoking is a serious health risk, for you and her - and you can mend this. You have to get to the root of the emotional problem that's causing this behavior because she's really hurting you and herself here.

Not talking, will solve nothing. Sleeping somewhere else will solve nothing. You don't want to, or have to, live like that.

lawred2

That's right weird behaviour. Not to mention the stupidity of taking up smoking.

Seems somewhat targeted at you. Is she having some sort of cold feet with the marriage? Quite a fundamental change to introduce to a relationship

It sounds like she thinks you're bossy and controlling so is smoking to rebel.

SuirGoOn

Her father was an elderly man - he died in 2011, I wouldn't say he would've been a factor tbh. He was very much the old fashioned Irish old man type, who also smoked himself I reckon. big darts fan, I never met him, but he sounded like he was a decent lad.

But everything else, I don't know, I'm trying to ring her and she's just ignoring everything from me and ducking all my messages

SuirGoOn

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119610173#Comment_119610173

I have never bossed the girl around once, and if I ever did she has always called me out on it. The woman can stand up for herself she's not scared of me, and she does what she likes all the time much to my delight - I'd never stop her doing anything she wanted to do - it was the smoking part that I thought we always had that one agreement on. Clearly it wasn't enough....

Jequ0n

Ok, I will entertain this idea..

Your wife has obviously decided that she is going to rebel and provoke you for whatever reason. Unless she is 12 years old there is probably a reason, unless someone convinced her that she needs to test whatever boundaries she perceives to be in place.

Good luck, because I know what I’d do with a head wrecker like that.

AMKC

Tell her what an amazing and intelligent Woman she is and that she has an amazing body, that you love her and want to make love to her but you can not if she keeps smoking as well as also saying you hate to see her destroy her body and her life with smoking but that if she will not quit then it will be the end of your marriage.

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119610135#Comment_119610135

The fact she had one or two on weekends meant at the very least she was a social smoker,my friend hides the fact she smokes as she knows her partner disapproves, so might be the same scenario with your wife, until now.

Luckily ye don't have children so no fear of the impact it would do to them.

It's clear how much you hate smoking. And clear how much she wants to smoke. I do wonder if ye could compromise on this if at all. Like could she smoke outside, cut it back a bit, use a vape. Could you be willing to kiss her if she brushed her teeth, changed clothes, sprayed perfume etc

Lights up cigarette.

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Warned for Breach of Charter.

mojesius

Has anything else happened recently (bar your wedding of course) that has driven a wedge between you in anyway?

While we don't know both sides to the story, her attitude seems a bit aggressive about the situation and by your perception, it's a bit out of the blue.

Did you go on honeymoon after wedding? I know you're together a long time but she seems pissed off about something and I doubt it's solely over your opinions on smoking. I am in no way trying to shift blame on you but from an outside perspective, it sounds like there's something else at play, I just don't know what it is (resentment or rebellion against someone)

XsApollo

Don’t give any ultimatum unless you are going to follow through on it.

Strange behaviour to say the least from her.

if she knew this all along and didn’t do it before ye were married maybe she has the impression you won’t call her bluff now that ye are married, which is cruel behaviour.

all of a sudden ye are married and she brings out this attitude.

presuming no kids are involved if thats her attitude to you then bye bye.

Also don’t stay thinking she’ll change , ,have kids and then decide you are leaving, makes the whole process 1000times more difficult.

if you have no kids then count yourself lucky.

id say she has been smoking without you knowing also.

notAMember

People my age have started smoking as an appetite suppressant. Weight control basically. Is she weight focused? Talks about losing or gaining weight a lot?

The comments sound more like a reactions thrown around in an argument than rational justification to me. You're not my dad is pretty childish alright. I'd ignore all of those and look for the real reason.

Car99

Ultimatums don't work. Talk it out and if you guys can't agree to at least talk is there any hope of finding a solution?

To me it sounds like she has hidden parts of her personality from you. There's a good chance she isn't the person you think you married at all. That or she has developed some sort of serious neurological issue.

SuirGoOn

There are more heated topics being brought up between us now that I don't wish to further disclose here. This is a deeper issue. We're gonna talk.

I'll just say this, some of you were right about something.

Can a mod please close this thread?

evolvingtipperary101

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119610286#Comment_119610286

Hope you can both work it out.

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119610286#Comment_119610286

Best of luck

Big Bag of Chips

Thread locked at OP’s request.

If you would like the thread reopened at some point OP you can contact one of the Personal Issues moderators.