Can I get over this?

Dub_is_me

My partner (F25) of 8 years hit me (M26) with "I want to explore other people." She proposed an open break. She said there isnt anything wrong with me or the relationship.

I said no to the break. I am monogamous, and I knew I was only going to be thinking of her instead of other people. We broke up that night.

When we went away and came back after a day, she had some tangible issues with the relationship. I saw that as a sign that our relationship needed to be worked on, and I was disappointed it couldn't have been worked on together. But I was more than willing to work on it.

I caved and said yes to the break. I said no open relationship, but she brushed it off. I felt helpless, because I felt this was the only way to keep her at the time so I said yes.

2 and a half weeks later, I got tired of feeling like I was on the hook. I set up a meeting with her and we talked. I knew she was having sex with a guy she knew from work years ago. She's had sex with him 3 times.

She was adamant that this guy was a fling. She said she didn't like his personality, and sex with me was ultimately better. I told her all my issues with how she handled this situation, and I pressed her to really explain her thought process in all this. I also proposed all the changes I was willing to make in the relationship should we have worked on it.

By the end of the conversation, we realized that we both still kinda want to be together. I asserted that we keep breaking for the month, BUT we are not open AT ALL, and that she is not okay to hangout with the co-worker she's been sleeping with. She agreed.

Now we are both determining if we can give each other a second chance.

I need to determine whether I'm okay with the following:

- Her reaction to major relationship issues being wanting to sleep with other people

- Her ignoring my wants and needs in the break, while also actively keeping me on the hook.

- Her sleeping 3 times with someone she knows.

I'm struggling to know if I can get over these. I genuinely love her, but I feel as though I'm going to show weakness or not be true to myself if I just move along.

EDIT: Changed forgiveness to "get over"

The Mighty Quinn

Honestly, a 25 year old who's been with somebody for 8 years can feel (whether it's true or not) that they 'missed out'. She apparently felt that way.

You have your post tagged with the word 'cheating'. She didn't cheat on you? Maybe I'm misreading, you agreed to the break and open relationship and felt helpless, that it was the only way to keep her at the time. Kudos to her for being upfront with you, signalling her intentions, and then going about it.

If I was you I'd feel like a plank going back to her. If it was me I feel my self-respect would be gone out the window a little. But, I'm not you and you're not me. She wanted her fun outside of the relationship, told you, did it, came back, said actually you're the one I want. If you can be satisfied that she'll remain upfront and honest and says she just wants you, well then maybe you can go for it. I'm not fully seeing what there is to forgive.

Dub_is_me

You're right cheating isn't the right tag. I have removed it.

Would forgive not be the right word then? I guess it's "Can I get over these things?"

This is very difficult for you. She wants to have her cake and eat it, so it seems. Obviously you were both extremely young when you met, and although you are obviously as in love with her as the day you got together, she is no longer feeling that commitment in her heart. She has probably changed a lot more than you in her outlook, people are different. She would have shown some integrity if she said plainly she wanted to break off as a romantic partner but wanted to remain amicable. It would have been more fair to you, however awful a prospect that would be.

It’s perfectly normal to feel resentment in this kind of case, as she is your world. I know you don’t want to do it, but I don’t think she will remain faithful and it would be better to plan for a break-up, however painful that may be for you.

ThreeGreens

You've nothing to forgive her for. She's done nothing wrong.

"We broke up that night."

"I caved and said yes to the break. I said no open relationship, [...] I felt this was the only way to keep her at the time so I said yes."

She was clear with you what she was not agreeing to a break that didn't involve her having sex with other people. You clearly didn't like that, but she made it very clear that that was her position and you reluctantly agreed. Then she acted on that. She didn't nothing wrong.

Your decision is do you want to get back with her. Forgiveness doesn't come into it, as she hasn't done anything wrong.

ShamanRing

Just leave her, honestly, she's decided she wants to hook up with other men, and your feelings on that matter are not a priority to her, hence why she got you back into a relationship. Just move on. Not all women are like this.

Chris_5339762

She hasn't done anything wrong but she openly wanted to go out and have it off with other men.

If she wants an open relationship and you don't, and she basically forced you into it, then the relationship is as good as over. I hate to say.

cuttingtimber22

8 years together is a long time at a young age.

Do you want her to be with you thinking about another 50 plus years wondering whether something better is out there or she has missed out.

I can understand why you are hurt as it was a rejection but perhaps for the right reasons and she was honest rather than having a fling behind your back.

If she is truly a life partner you will need to learn to forgive and forget - to be honest hard to give advice on this one. Maybe a few months away from each other will give both of you perspective (or go away separately with friends on holidays) - agree not to jump into any relationships but think about what you both want.

Dial Hard

Honestly, you've been together since you were *very* young and I suspect she's just outgrown the relationship and wants to sow her wild oats for a while, but just wasn't sure how to say that to you so offered what she saw as a compromise in the form of a break. In my experience, though, a break is pretty much always a prelude to a break-up - it's one party not quite being able to make the full break so doing a "soft launch" as it were.

I think the relationship is probably over and you need to move on. Even if you give it another go, will you be able to stop thinking about her with that other guy? I can almost guarantee that you won't, it'll eventually come to a head and you'll end up breaking up anyway. Save yourself all that resentment, mess and wasted time and just walk away now, with the memories of the 8 years you had together pretty much all good.

Very, very few people end up with the person they were going out with in their teens. It's natural for those relationships to run their course, imo.

Jequ0n

I’d be bothered too, OP. She clearly had an idea who she wanted to shag when she initiated the break/ open relationship topic. Fair enough if she had booked up with someone after a night out, but she had to have known this guy was available and happy to give it a go if they got together within 2 weeks.

dorothylives

It sounds like you both want different things. Sometimes it's best just to break up and remain friends than to drag things out trying not to hurt each other but ending up resenting each other.

Jafin

I think you'd be better off breaking up. An open relationship/break is something you very clearly do not want, and you only agreed to it to try and keep her. As many others have said, you have been together since you were very young and she probably feels like she missed out on other guys and wants to see what's out there. If you stay in an open relationship/break thing you're probably going to be going into overtime thinking about her whereabouts all the time because you're not comfortable with the idea.

Look, who knows, maybe she needs to get this out of your system and you might end up back together at some point years down the line. I'm not saying this WILL happen so if you do break up don't cling to the idea that you're definitely getting back together at some stage, I'm just saying it's a possibility, however slim. I feel like if you stay together now after all of this you'll keep wondering if you're enough for her and end up damaging your self confidence.

I wish you all the best, whatever you decide. I can't begin to imagine how tough this must be for you.

Irish_rat

8 years relationship is incredibly hard at any age, basically your life was connected for so long you wouldn't know different, I've had a long one before where I ended it and it was tough even for my side of things. She has planned this for a while I think but was honest throughout. She could possibly just go on the play the field now as she basically missed all of that in her early 20's. For me, I would never entertain an "open relationship", it has to be pure all the way. We can only provide our opinions OP, you ultimately need to decide what happens next.

Mongfinder General

So she goes off fcuking Chad for a while and then comes back to you. Do yourself a favour and drop her asap. You’re basically being cuckolded.

You’re young. My advice is to stay single and work on bettering yourself for a while. Career, body, friends/connections etc. Your value will rise as you get older. Hers will dive if she continues like she has. She’ll be single, mid 30’s and crying about where have all the good men gone. All this after she’s been pumped and dumped by men who don’t respect her. Where you clearly do respect her.

You’re lucky this is happening now. Imagine her pulling this crap when you’ve a mortgage and a few kids together.

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@Mongfinder General please take your misogynistic, sexist posting somewhere else please. Do not post on this thread again. Further posts like this will result in a ban from The Personal Issues Forum.

timmyntc

If she pushes for an open relationship and you dont want it, then the relationship is as good as over.

She would have gone about having her cake and eating it whether you knew about it or not - dont feel bad for "caving" or anything, the damage had already been done by her. Honestly for your partner to suggest an open relationship or open break, and then when challenged to say she feels your relationship has some issues as if its a justification, is incredibly dishonest. You do not fix a relationship by going off and sleeping with other people.

Cut your losses OP and move on.

TheadoreT

Nobody here can tell you how you'll feel, but you're coming across very uncomfortable with the idea right now, which is fine.

But she hasn't done anything wrong really. Not having single years in late teens/early twenties would leave most people wondering if they've missed out. It's better she communicated this to you than going behind your back and doing something.

I don't really believe she's having her cake and eating it. You said yes to the open relationship. You did it for the wrong reasons. You don't want to see other people, you don't want her to see other people. But you're not listening to HER needs to explore other men. That's what she wants. Instead you're fixated with trying to fix something that's unfixable - her desire to explore her sexuality. This isn't about you at all, it's about her finding herself.

Open relationships can work when people are on the same page, but when one is open to it and the other is a bystander it's a recipe for disaster.

Honestly I think a break/up is best for now, once you get over the initial heartbreak you may enjoy the freedom yourself(surely you've curiosities yourself). I think your ego and perception of not being enough for her is your biggest issue. If you see it for what it is and embrace the experiment, you may end up reconnecting and stronger than ever in the future.

magic17

OP I think you need to tell her how you feel and what you want once the break is over. If she can't commit to that then you know where you stand as you both want different things at this moment in time. You can't change what other people want unfortunately. It'll hurt like hell but you will get over it.

As others said, work on yourself, meet new people and move on when you're ready. If you try and force the relationship now then I think long term you're likely to run into more serious problems. If it was indeed just a fling that she had and it's out of her system then you would know it by now. It doesn't sound like that though.

Keep an open mind for the future, these things have a funny way of working themselves out sometimes. You might both go away and experience different things and come back together in 3 or 4 years and have a happy life together. But dear god do not go forward with that mindset because you will not move on.

marilynrr

Very much disagree with the posters saying she hasn't done anything wrong. It's like getting off on a technicality.

Morally I think what she's done is very wrong, This leaves a scar on the whole relationship, and it's tainted.

She asked for an open relationship, he said no, they broke up, the next day it seems it wasn't a break up anymore, OP just wanted a break, no open relationship and she brushed that off. He said he felt helpless and like that was the only way to keep her. His partner would have known that that is how he felt, people will say she's not a mind reader and so on, but in real life people are well aware when someone is agreeing to something like that to keep them. No one is that stupid. She started sleeping with someone else straight away. OP had barely had a chance to get his thoughts together because it was all so quick also! She didn't care one bit about the OPs feelings, and the second she slept with the other guy she knew that that could ruin her relationship.

Forgiveness very much is the right word.

Forgiveness could come in time, but forgetting is often the hard part, and as I said something like that could leave a massive scar.

No way would I be going back to someone who asked me for an open relationship and when I said no they took advantage of a break up/break that I reluctantly agreed to (because I barely had time to think), had sex with another woman and then tried to get back with me.

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119494371#Comment_119494371

I don't think it's fair to say he's fixated on anything. This sounds like it all happened very very quickly.

She asked for an open relationship, he didn't want one, but it sounds like within the week she was sleeping with another man.

In the 2.5 weeks that followed he was probably dealing with the shock of wtf just happened in his 8 year relationship, while also dealing with feeling like she was keeping him on the hook while sleeping with someone else. Doesn't sound like he has had any time or breathing space to fixate on anything.

He's probably now feeling naturally relieved she's not sleeping with someone else so he can breathe some more while he reflects on what tf just happened so he can see if he'll move forward. It sounds like the month isn't up yet.

And he also didn't have a chance to listen to her needs to explore other men, she asked one day and was out exploring the next (or very soon after). Often with these kind of things there will be multiple conversations, and some time to think, reflect, discuss etc, OP didn't have that time or opportunity.

gary550

You both want different things mate from the sounds of things

You're about the same age as me so I feel I can understand your perspective a little more. 8 years is a long time for a couple who are so young and obviously if there is cracks now and her first reaction is to try open the relationship and sleep with a guy she knows to try help solve it is a little dodge to me. In my head she just wanted to have sex with him and either not have the burden of hiding it or she wanted to bring you in and the shift the blame a little and try justify her actions.

I'm sure you probably realised but it wasn't a spur of the moment thing, she had been thinking about that for a really really long time.

If it was me in your situation I'd be gone, I'd work on myself for a while and find a replacement.

You're young mate, the world is yours.

HalloweenJack

To me, it sounds like she wanted to sleep with this guy and knew it would be something quick so she tried to figure out a 'guilt-free' way to do it. I imagine she was going to do it whether you agreed to it or not. I find it odd that she then says that she didn't even like his personality (meaning it was all about the sex). She's had her fun now and she's ready to go back but what's to say she won't do something similar in the future? You've already been forced into it once.

Technically, she didn't do anything wrong. She spoke to you about it and you consented but it certainly sounds ugly. She knew she was going to get her way, regardless of your response. Agree to a break or we break up. What kind of a choice is that?

We only get one side on these threads but you've given enough info for me to tell you to ditch her and find someone who respects you more. You're young and you'll have changed a lot in that time you've been together. You're better off getting more experience in relationships. Being together such a long time doesn't mean you HAVE to continue together. People change a lot, especially at that stage in life and it sounds like you want different things. Don't waste more time on someone who treats you with such little consideration.

JaCrispy

Sorry but you were only broke up 2 1/2 weeks and she hooked up with coworker 3 times already. She's a lost cause dude, relationships very rarely last from the teenage years....time to sow your own wild oats.

StevenToast

Its hard to hear....but you really need to get this woman out of your life completely....none of this "friends" talk either.....

I know from experience.....

Idle Passerby

She wants to be single but having been with someone since childhood it scares her so she's testing the water before jumping ship. The relationship is over but knowing how young long term relationships go, it will drag on in limbo far too long. The sensible healthy thing to do is make a clean break now. Very few relationships started in the teens last forever and that's no bad thing.

Big Bag of Chips

I think this is the precursor for the end of your relationship. And you know what, you'll be OK. Childhood sweethearts rarely end up together when they're 50. Sometimes it happens, more often than not it doesn't.

I think she's scared to cut all ties. You've been together for a 1/3 of your lives, pretty much. That's huge. But she's also realising that she wants something different/more/else. It's a big deal being in a longterm commited relationship in your early 20s. It's the age all your friends are out experiencing the carefree life.

Some people are happy to be settled, others not yet.

I think you need to break up. Not go on a break. Properly break up. You'll be heartbroken. You'll miss her. You'll miss the routine of being with her. But in time you'll move on. You'll almost certainly always hold a certain affection for her, and her you. But I think it's now time to go your separate ways.

You will be OK.

cuttingtimber22

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119493616#Comment_119493616

Ignore my first advice. You have got good advice here - a clean break and moving on is needed.

Big Bag of Chips

All posters are reminded of the line from the Charter about "Well phrased" advice. Personal Issues is where posters come when they are struggling. They do not need to hear crude and sexist language dressed up as "advice".

Unless you can offer advice without resorting to such tactics we respectfully ask that you don't bother replying.

1 poster warned for unacceptable language in a post and a number of other replies deleted.

Tork

OP, it's OK not to be able to get over what has happened. Most people would rather not know much about their partner's previous sex lives but usually, it can be filed under "The Past". That isn't the case here and you've been given a lot to process. It isn't just that you can put a face to who your partner slept with - it's still a live issue. She took tentative steps into a world beyond your relationship. Even though she has reeled backwards and wants to return to what she knows, I don't think this is done. You don't need me to tell you that life will never be the same again.

Even if the pair of you decide to give things another go, I think you're entering into the final chapters of the relationship. Relationships don't always end in a neat and tidy way. This one may stagger on for another while but I think this has been a major turning point.

YellowLead

Can’t really add much to the advice already given - but for yourself, will you always be wondering when this might happen again? Will you always wonder if she is satisfied or will she want to do it again with the next guy she fancies? Since it happened so quickly, it’s clear it was for this specific guy she asked for the open arrangement - though to be fair to her she didn’t cheat.

You guys got together very young and have been together for so long it’s probably tough to contemplate splitting but it seems it’s on the cards here, and might be no harm to split before things turn nasty. personally I don’t think it’s healthy to remain for life with a teenage bf/gf (having been in that boat myself) but of course life is each to their own and everybody’s circumstances are different. It comes down to whether you feel you can trust she won’t want this again or not, essentially.

Liberty_Bear

At the core here I would say is assertiveness, the reason i say that is that you mention you caved to what she said. One approach might be to say "You have expressed your wish for an open desire, that does not sit well with me. We can either sit down and discuss it however I will not change my mind and I dont expect you to change yours - where do we go from here'. You are acknowledging what she said, you are inputting your own wishes and then you are putting the ball back in her court. This matter has no easy way. If you stay you end up with a broken heart, you leave you end up with a broken heart. Truly hope you find a solution that is amicable for you . Hugs