Born to be anxious or is there some leeway?

Scattered99

I've just turned 23 and I've been in denial for years. I'm not happy, I'm just coasting with enough coping mechanisms to stay afloat and relatively functional. I'm sick of living my life by about 30%. Anxiety stops me from doing everything. I keep up this facade of being extraverted, happy go lucky because I would hate to be vulnerable and burden people with my problems. And I know deep down that most of my problems are nonsense or aren't a third as bad as my anxiety makes them out to be. I've long told myself this is just who I am, I can't change...but deep down, I want life to be more than this. Is this just me for life or do I have some control? From a younge age it's always been "oh (my name) you just suffer from the nerves" or "you're just a worrier, it's just who you are".If I start actually taking the cliché advice of "workout/ eat healthy/find a hobby/ self care", is it possible I could feel more OK? I'm exhausted and I'm sick of being this way. I don't want this to be my life.

Sonic the Shaghog

Any of that could help.

But it could be just in the genes too and medication might be the only way forward as well, unfortunately it was for me

NiceFella

Your being way to hard on yourself imo. You need to take a new approach by being a bit nicer to yourself.

For one thing, your problems are not nonsense. They clearly bother you, so they of course do matter. They make you feel a certain way.

Rather than get frustrated with yourself, why not try identify why you are feeling the way you are feeling when you want to do x, y z.

Try journaling; get it off your chest and then if you want tear up what you had written. You'll be surprised the amount of insight you will get about your issues by doing this.

Anxiety can come from an overload of unprocessed emotions that in the moment you cannot deal with. So when you feel anxiois at home try put the feeling down on paper. Believe me it sounds so simple but it can really help alot.

Of course living healthy will help but its the mindset that is the most important here imo.

You can discuss here what your exact anxieties are here too if you'd like.

I’m like that, definitely in the genes. I’m cynical, impatient, uncomfortable a lot of the time, can’t keep quiet, very often can’t sleep, but I’m well occupied and keep my brain engaged in something I cope best. I know all this self-help guidance stuff, I’d nearly hit the wall before doing that at times! I do have a great sense of humour though, and if I can find any opportunity for humour I’ll take it.

I was born hyperactive, and would now totally fit into the ADHD category. I scored myself against online questionnaires and fit it 100% as a female. I move at a fast pace, have neuro-sensory overload issues at times, have severe convergence difficulty in vision. In spite feeling very uncomfortable a lot of the time I am blessed with being creative, imaginative and a great capacity to learn. So I take that as a real positive. If I applied myself I could achieve a lot, but with my difficulty in focussing it is very difficult to stay on track.

ADHD I’m has been described as being like a computer with lots and lots of wi does open at same time, and being clicked from one to the next in rapid succession. This is described the way I think perfectly, flitting from one thought to the next rapidly and then remembering what I was at in the first place.

Being born in 1961 there was no such thing as a diagnosis nor supports or meds. A lot of people come to Kate various diagnoses of neurodivergence and really the benefit is that with a diagnosis you may be able to “forgive yourself” for having such negative uncomfortable feelings so much of the time.

zoobizoo

First up, find a decent Psychologist.

Buy a book called The Feeling Good Handbook. The CBT exercises will help you tackle some of your anxieties.

You can begin to control your worries and start enjoying life more.

Esho

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119479044#Comment_119479044

Such a great post Nicefella.

You're 23 which is great , and you see what's holding you back. Fantastic start!

Theres always a good reason why we feel like we feel - as Nicefella said, unprocessed emotions.

Journalling will give you a new perspective on how you're feeling. If you can find a good psychologist then, maybe they can help you to process the trapped emotions.

It can take a while, and is rough but it's worth it to stick at it - you won't know yourself .Good luck with it

alannoone

You're dismissing a lot of very good behaviors that absolutely help with anxiety by calling them "cliché". They are cliché because they are mentioned so often, because the work.

They get disregarded because people want a quick fix and none of the behaviors you list are quick fixes. there is no quick fix to anxiety. I have experienced general anxiety disorder for about 20 years and only in the last 3 years have I learned to live with it.

You mention eat well and exercise as being cliché, but they are just tools and behaviors to help anxiety. In my experience they all help a little, and combined they help a lot. This will differ for everyone but for me:

• exercising daily helps reduce anxiety by perhaps 10%. the first week its not obvious but it becomes apparent on week 2.
• eating healthy improves my anxiety by another 10%. I have less sugar and caffeine which reduces the emotional peaks and troughs.
• Self care - this can be anything - enjoying a hobby, meditating, travelling etc. This gives me another 10% of feeling better.
• Self compassion - not being so hard on yourself. accepting you have anxiety, telling yourself that its ok, and to mean it. This again takes time but this gives me an improvement of 15% or more. Accepting who you are, being kind to yourself about it and quitting comparing to others is so important.
• Sleep health - bed early, no spicy food before bed, turn off screens 30 mins before bed & read a book or meditate, accepting insomnia if it appears. This again gives a 15% or more improvement.

5 habits listed there, and they bring me from a ball of nerves to being a person who lives with anxiety, enjoys life and accepts who I am. I call them habits and behaviors as that's what they are. They take time to become routine. Right now your habits and routine are to feel anxiety, judge yourself for it, feel worse, judge yourself for that, feel you are incapable and so on. You've been having that thought cycle for decades, it wont be changed overnight.

There is no quick fix, but lots of little changes amount to anxiety becoming just another part of a rich life.

If you're interested in a challenge that brings about change in anxiety quickly, check out the Dare method by Barry McDonagh. I found it very effective. Medication did not work for me, CBT offered some improvement, but the Dare method has helped massively.

Jafin

Hi OP, I have suffered from anxiety all my life but didn't realise what it was until my mid 20s (I'm 33 now). It's mostly social anxiety, and I wouldn't call it debilitating or anything, but the way it would manifest itself would be that if I was due to go out to the pub with some friends I would all of a sudden think of a million reasons not to go, get that anxious pit in my stomach and end up telling them I was sick and couldn't go. The worst was when it came to dating, first dates specifically. I went on a first date in April and ended up physically getting sick before I went to meet him.

Those cliché things you mentioned - they can work. I would also advise finding a therapist. I started therapy in June and it has been really helpful to me. We have dug down to find the root of the anxiety and my therapist has given me tools and exercises to combat the anxiety when it arises. Don't be fooled though, this is not a quick fix. There is no quick fix. You will have to continually work on yourself and, most importantly, be kind to yourself.

Best of luck.

Aetherion

anxiety feeds on avoidance, you avoid things that make you anxious and before you know it you are avoiding everything. Sometimes you don't even realize you're doing it, you rationalize it by telling yourself you're not in the mood to do X or that you're not into X or X isn't very fun so you'd rather stay home.

Anxiety seems to run in my family, what seems to help is exercise, it does make a big difference to your mood, the other thing would be therapy, but with a therapist that motivates you to push yourself to do the things you're avoiding, I guess you'd call it exposure therapy

Some people find antidepressants helpful

I find the more you get out of your comfort zone, the more your confidence builds up and the less anxious you feel in the situations you're avoiding, but you need to be prepared to feel very uncomfortable at first, it goes against your natural instinct to put yourself into a situation that makes you feel bad

Sunrise_Sunset

Anxiety seems to run in my family too, definitely from one side and I myself "suffer with my nerves" too. I'm a worrier, I don't sleep well, I have a few specific fears, I have health anxiety, social anxiety and probably generalised anxiety disorder too.

I exercise, but I need to work on the other areas of self help mentioned. I do believe they can help to quite a high degree. But there will always be cases or times when more is needed. Sometimes medication. So I do think there is leeway and definitely lots of things you can try to improve your quality of life and mental health. Don't write off your situation.

Alex86Eire

I've been anxious my whole life similar to you. I was diagnosed with a particular connective tissue disorder last year and the specialist told me that people with my condition are actually born anxious which I thought was interesting. Not many people would know I was an anxious person.

Echoing the people above - exercise/diet/meditation/therapy and surrounding yourself with people who love you all will help. I've found my anxiety hugely decrease as I get older strangely enough. I'm 30 now and its much better than it was in my 20s.

Best of luck.

curiousb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119695053#Comment_119695053

Is it hypermobility you were diagnosed with? My 17 year old daughter has hypermobility and severe anxiety (amongst other issues) and we had been told something similar.

She is also diagnosed just this year with ADD, ASD and dyslexia and this fuels her anxiety as as it makes learning very difficult for her.

I've just ordered the Dare book, as mentioned above, and I hope that will help her deal with her anxiety.

chicorytip

We inherit personality traits from our parents which can result in a predisposition to anxiety and many other mental health disorders and phobias but negative environmental factors during childhood and adolescence can lead to anxiety in adulthood. An unhappy home life during the formative years, is what I mean. I can speak with authority on this having experienced such. I have suffered with anxiety since adolescence and am now middle aged. You are right. It is completely debilitating and restrictive in so many ways. I have tried many techniques and lifestyle behaviours to try and cope better but none have been successful other than on a temporary basis. I made the decision long ago not to go down the medication route despite being advised to the contrary by doctors. Pills may work for many sufferers I am sure but from an intellectual point of view I am simply unwilling to subject myself to chemical treatment in order to bring about a calmer demeanor or enhanced mood .