Am I too intense?

avb00

I started talking to a lady two weeks ago that I met through a dating app (we are both female). She lived in Galway, me in Dublin.

It was a little amount of communication each day in that she would just text ‘good morning’ and call quickly every second night when she got home to talk about her day. She did work quite a lot of hours at work, so I didn’t expect her to be texting me throughout the day.

Last weekend, she didn’t respond to a question I had after she finished work when we were in the middle of planning a first date. I texted her a few hours later and she was online and she didn’t respond yet was online for hours. The next day I didn’t hear anything until I eventually just rang her as I was worried and she said she was drinking that night and calling a friend, that she doesn’t like to talk while drinking in case she says something inappropriate. We did call then and talk for a few hours (getting to know each other) but she ended the call suddenly when her friend called and again didn’t call me back until I texted her hours later (she said she fell asleep).

I didn’t feel from the phone calls or texts that she was attracted to me as their wasn’t the initial stage of compliments or flirting that I had experienced when talking to other women at the beginning. Our messages were very much like friendly conversation. Also her messages were very short. Although we did discuss past relationships and was clear that she was looking for something serious.

On Friday she didn’t text me after work and when she did, she had been drinking with friends. I asked her if she felt anything from our conversations and if she felt attraction, that I felt we didn’t have a lot of detailed communication in our texts and that so far messages were very brief. That she wasn’t making an effort to arrange a first date and although I did like her, it wasn’t really going at the right pace. She said this is the way she is but she did like me, found me attractive and wanted to meet me for a date. She sent a lot of messages about what she wants in a relationship and complimenting me but again she is a one-line type texter so I know she was very drunk when she sent a lot of texts together.

On Saturday, she didn’t text me and I sent her a good morning text, she responded back but again that was all she said ‘good morning’. She didn’t say anything else. I texted her details of an event and she was online, again ignoring my messages. I eventually texted her later in the day saying I didn’t feel there was enough effort made and I tried to call her a few times as I was fed up of her being online and simply not answering me. She eventually picked up and said she was out drinking, that her phone was charging, she had been talking to family, etc. I can’t understand why she couldn’t text me in the morning and say her plans or even send a text to say she couldn’t talk, that she was out with friends. We argued on the phone and I was harsh and said it wasn’t fair on me and that she had seen my messages even though she said she had not viewed them at all. She sent me some voice messages later saying I was very rude in how I spoke to her and that she did like me and wanted to go on a date and give us a try.

I did apologize by text and voice note that night but I heard nothing from her yesterday. I felt quite bad and that I was expecting far too much communication from her having not met her. Today she sent this message (her first language isn’t English):

“I didn’t like the way you reacted when we barely met and you told me those things. I don’t have to go through this. If something that didn’t start is already like this, I don’t want to know what comes next”.

I responded that I was very sorry and that I made too much drama. That I understand she most likely doesn’t want to stay in touch and that I was here if she did change her mind. I don’t expect her to contact me again as she viewed the message and has been online since.

I do feel I was in the wrong with her, but from the last few people I talked to even before meeting them there was a lot more communication and I think I felt more like a priority.

I won’t be sending anymore messages as I sent the last message. It’s up to her if she wants to reach out or respond to me, again she is most likely freaked out and can’t forgive me for the way I spoke to her. However, I did like talking to her even though she wasn’t the easiest person to read and she was infrequent with talking/texting.

Jequ0n

You weren’t rude because she is stringing you along. For what it’s worth I think you were right to call her out for her behaviour.

You can do much better than settling for someone who avoids clear communication. It sounds like there is frequent and potentially unhealthy drinking involved too.

Good luck OP. You should be feeling annoyed with her and nor guilty for having “upset“ her.

Caranica

I'm amazed she put up with it as long as she did. Monitoring her online time and chastising her for not messaging you when you haven't even met up once yet. Major red flag, major!

Jafin

She was being hot and cold and I think, like Jequ0n posted above, she was stringing you along. She always had excuses for everything, which isn't a good sign. I get not wanting to send messages when you're drunk in case you say something inappropriate, but she was always online when she was "out drinking" so she was obviously talking to SOMEONE.

Block her, forget her and move on. Even if you had gotten together, the distance probably would have become an issue at some stage anyway.

bikeman1

All I can say is that she has dodged a bullet there!

You had not even met up in person! That's mad to think how quick you had jumped to a much later stage in the relationship. She's not your girlfriend or partner. People have lots and lots of things going on in life. There is no way you knew why she was online, and at this stage you have no reason to know. There could be a serious family issue at home in her home country that she was online sorting out.

bitofabind

Why would you want to date someone who doesn't make you feel like a priority, who has a communication style that is incompatible with yours and that seems to have a drinking problem? (Or at least, is a very regular drinker which should be a red flag)

It'd be insightful to learn more about your dating history and previous relationships. There's lots of things you've done here that are just off, including over-investing in someone before you've even met them, doubling down when they appear uninterested, scolding them for not giving you things you are not entitled to (again, you have not met this person) and leaving the door open to continuing to communicate after they've expressed blatant disinterest in it. Why? It's like walking into a Chinese restaurant and trying to order a burrito and then throwing a strop when it's quite obviously not on the menu. This person isn't offering anything you say you need, and yet you still want to pursue it. Why?

Some things to reflect on. A healthy relationship is based on mutual needs being met, and not trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

jimwallace197

OP, theres two things to this. Firstly she sounds like she doesnt give a toss, is chatting to some other fellas/probably seeing them & keeping you as a backup in case it doesnt work out with him. You dont think shes not meeting guys if shes out drinking with her 'friends' & shes on a dating website? Cmon.

Secondly, you have to look at your own behavior. Its not in the least bit healthy to be acting the way you have before you've even met, tbh even if you did meet her. Monitoring when she is & isnt online, reading your messages and not replying. Then actually calling her out on it, that's a major turn off and possessive behavior. Id run a mile from someone like that even if we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

If she doesnt give a toss, dont give a toss back. Date a number of girls, you shouldnt have any problem if you're in Dublin, get out and about, get into sports, activities, join clubs. The more you look like you have going on your life, the more attractive & less desperate you'll look.

avb00

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119476480#Comment_119476480

Thank you! I do value a lot of communication and a bit of attraction at the initial stages of getting to know someone even before meeting them. Bare messages and promising to call and not doing so are really not attractive to me.

avb00

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119476541#Comment_119476541

I am quite an intense person and I value a lot of communication at the beginning, especially when someone has more free time at the weekends. And yes, I am going to therapy for other reasons, because I do realize thinking about someone a lot, thinking/planning a bit too much, and sending detailed texts is not healthy at all at the beginning.

jimwallace197

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119476635#Comment_119476635

Its online dating, if shes anyway good looking, she'll be inundated with offers. I notice she has her catchment area set to include Dublin, sounds like shes Ireland wide so, can you imagine. Sounds like shes just not arsed, let her off, plenty more fish in the sea & closer too. But work on yourself too, learn to play it very cool & relaxed in the beginning, take your time reading & replying to messages etc aswell. But most importantly play the field & get good at dating & seeing the warning signals before getting anyway emotionally invested in someone.

avb00

Hi, all! Thank you to everyone who commented in a short space of time. I will answer everything in one big post to save clogging the forum. I expect this to be my last post.

Firstly, a few people think I am a guy. I am a girl and on the HER app I did have the location settings for all over Ireland, not her. The profiles for a serious relationship are quite limited and I plan to leave Dublin in a few years when I get my degree and relocate to the west (I prefer the peace, slightly cheaper rents), therefore I am not pushed about location of a potential partner as long as it’s Ireland.

Secondly, I am aware that thinking about someone a lot, checking up on them on WhatsApp, worrying if they don’t reply, wanting to plan a date immediately, wanting long conversations is not appropriate/healthy at the beginning of getting to know someone or at any point of a relationship. I’m not sure why I was doing this and I am attending talk therapy just for general anxiety (I started a with a new therapist last week) and I will bring up what happened between her and myself to my next therapy session. I suspect many things but I know as per the forum nobody here can suggest any mental health reasonings. I know the way I contacted her on Saturday was extreme anxiety and possessive behavior.

Thirdly, the reason I did say that I was here and that I wasn’t blocking her, is because we didn’t meet in person, I don’t have the confirmation that we totally won’t work, and like I said in the post, we didn’t talk a lot in depth. That partly is a reason as to why communication would be infrequent because you don’t have the emotional intensity or a feel for the person without meeting them. I’ve had that experience where before meeting someone communication was limited but after the first date naturally the style is way more intense (initial rush of liking someone etc). It’s just that later that night she did send me multiple texts and voice notes saying she wants to still give us a try but she didn’t understand why I reacted the way I did. Of course now she has changed her mind and she had drank a few beers when she sent those messages, so I think they are not true.

Finally, I am not clinging onto her or the hope she will text me or forgive me. She barely texted me before Saturday and we barely knew each other and I didn’t have feelings for her (did find her attractive), but was quite interested to get to know her more. I was very direct on the phone and I think like many people here have done in this post, she has mostly likely built an image of the type of person I am based on those messages/that phone call. And she was not with other women either, I do know that for a fact. I deleted her contact and Insta, but I do still have our messages and will keep them for a few days in case I hear back, then I’ll know with certainty to delete them if there is nothing.

Like I said, I am attending therapy for anxiety in general, and hopefully in time I will be a better person for a potential relationship. I think one of my main issues is that I invest too much at the beginning and think too far ahead and assume things will work.

I do feel very awful about how I spoke to her but there is nothing I can do. I sent her a message apologizing and trying to explain after her text this morning (that I included in my initial post) but she didn’t respond.

TheadoreT

OP this is beyond intense, I can't imagine what you'd be like in a serious relationship when love is involved if this is how you behave before meeting someone. The turbulence is off the charts here. I'd be concerned in your current head space you'd do something you'd regret in a possessive/jealous spiral.

You simply aren't ready for dating at all right now. It's not fair on yourself or others that you're putting through that chaos.

Delete the apps, take any big anxiety triggers out of your life for a while and continue with counselling and maybe take up some meditation or mindfulness or anything that can level you off a bit. Take care

Padre_Pio

Put it this way:

Two weeks ago she didn't even know you.

Now she getting dragged into arguments with someone she's never met for not making time to text back regularly.

Too much hassle. Even 3 or 4 months in, this would be a lot of hassle.

You're saying you're investing too much too early? You should be investing absolutely nothing until you've had a couple of dates.

Count Dracula

You were far too heavy with someone who you really did not know at all. She probably found you attractive and was doing her best to try and set some sort of boundaries. You managed to act like you owned her within a few days, did you even meet her in person?

The only positive you might take is that she does sound like a party girl ( all that drinking 🙄 ) and lets' face it, you are not that type of girl? You want something deep and meaningful... and whilst it is definitely out there.... I think you should ask yourself what you are doing to create a bit of depth in your online encounters? I respect that it can be a cosy way to meet same sex partners, insofar that it cuts out any time wasters, but it should not allow users to get lazy on how they approach meeting new partners, or how they attempt to nurture any "clicks" created on their fooking phone?

Get out there and meet a real girl in person, with whom you can develop a proper bond, via your own unique encounter which you can both look back on positively once your relationship gets more serious.

To every thing there is a season and that counts to developing loving relationships too.

Sonic the Shaghog

Yes you were very intense and over the top but it makes you wonder are you young, say early 20s max?

In saying that, this was a non runner. It's hard to say if she's just keeping you as a bit of attention or what. If she was online it wasn't hard to send a text, she's not pushed on you regardless and seems to do way too much drinking IMO

avb00

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119477439#Comment_119477439

I’m 22, so early 20s

avb00

Hi, all! Last update.

She did contact me this evening and we talked about everything mentioned above and she said she wants to give me a chance and asked me to meet her on the 28th, that she does like me. She did have other things to explain why she wasn’t always replying.

I am grateful that she has given me a chance, even if things do/don’t work. And I am glad that she is ok and we have resolved that.

I am going to stop overthinking and being intense and just wait until the date to see if there is a spark and let things happen as they do. I feel terribly awful still but hope it will be not in our minds when we meet.

Thank you to everyone who commented and provided a lot of valuable information for me to reflect on.

Sonic the Shaghog

The reason I ask is I was the same as you at that age.

Im early 30s now. It was a lot of immaturity, not much relationship experience but also I had undiagnosed anxiety at the time.

I remember knowing male and female friends who could send a text and either not care or while they may be wondering why no reply they could manage not to be following up like mad.

Now I if I message a girl and no reply I'm just like "ah whatever" haha

Do you find yourself overthinking stuff in other areas of your life?

avb00

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119477901#Comment_119477901

I overthink in everything haha. I could even feel shame about something I made a mistake in 10 years ago haha. I have a lot of maturing to do of course, and therapy.

I feel a lot of the overthinking about her is me being off uni, not at work, my friends being abroad, too much time on my hands!

Jequ0n

Good luck with your date OP!

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119477833#Comment_119477833

But you're still absolutely overthinking everything. Just take a step back and look at the language you use in this very post.

As others have said, OP, I really don't think you're in the headspace for dating . You need to put a complete hold on that and work through your anxiety issues.

avb00

Well, late update, I mean last. I will be calling off the date tomorrow when she wakes up. Please can mod close this forum.

She rang me incredibly drunk saying she had been drinking for 2 hours on the car pooling journey home from work. She said she never liked me, that she hates me and that I am a bit weird (the weird part I get based on my behavior, but felt the other two statements were very harsh). Then a few minutes later she said I never said that, I do like you, why are you making things up? Very odd considering she arranged a date 3 hours previously. She definitely has an alcohol issue, 3nights drinking beer in a row I think. Alcohol brings out what people really think so glad I know rather than have this issue in person!

Thanks to everyone for the help. Aside from my own issues, I really can’t be involved with somebody who has alcohol issues (past trauma, my brother was an alcoholic in his teens).

Avoid this person, don’t think she is relationship material tbh, especially with an active or developing alcoholic dependence.

avb00

Please can this forum be closed by mod thank you. Best wishes to everyone.

Hannibal_Smith

Thread closed as per OPs request