Unsure on our future

unregforthis123

I'm looking for advice about my relationship. I'm 28, he's 29. We're both in our first relationship and we're together five years now (living together for three).

I love my partner. He's funny, smart and we get along great. We very rarely fight, we have the same interests and hobbies (except for fitness) and we have a lot of fun together. 

But I never feel like he's attracted to me. He rarely gives me compliments on how I look no matter how hard I try, and if I basically ask him for one then I get something along the lines of "you look nice," which is so bland that sometimes it leaves me feeling more disappointed than if he said nothing.

His self-esteem about his appearance is low and I really try to make him feel good, saying he looks great, fantastic, gorgeous, etc. I really mean it and I talk about how much I'm attracted to him but he never reciprocates. 

We've only had sex three times this year. He says he doesn't feel good about how he looks so he practically always turns me down when I try to initiate (usually once or twice a week).

He says he feels badly about his weight but he refuses to exercise alone or with me. He always says he'll start "this week" and doesn't. He also has a bad diet. 

When we started dating, being healthy was important to me. I went to the gym regularly and rarely ate junk food. But over time with him, my healthy lifestyle fell apart. He just kept convincing me to have junk food "as a treat" or to get takeaway instead of making dinner, even though it started to make me upset because I felt bad and even sick from the food.

I gained three stone over the course of the relationship. This year I've managed to get healthier, regain some self-confidence and lose a stone. I've told my partner he needs to stop blaming his low self-confidence on our sexual issues and start working on it. He says he will but he never does.

Before anyone suggests depression, this isn't the reason. He's been very clear with me that outside of the self-esteem issue about his appearance, he's happy with his life and he's mentally healthy. 

I really love him and I feel like there's nobody more suited to me personality-wise but the rest of this has me wondering if I can spend my life with someone who doesn't make me feel sexy, who doesn't want me sexually and who is so different from me lifestyle-wise. 

Has anyone any advice?

Dial Hard

My advice is to go to counselling. Sex/intimacy issues rarely go away on their own and it doesn't sound like your partner is willing to engage with you one a one-to-one basis, so I think you (plural) probably need the help of a professional to talk this out.

NTSITDOA

I would agree with Dial Hard. I was in a long term relationship similar to yours. Very little sexual expression or intimacy so much so that it got to the point where we were both too comfortable with it and it became normal. Sex when it did happen wasn't that enjoyable it was just a thing you did every now and again. Since ending that relationship I've met someone where sex and sexual experience is incredibly open and honest and it makes such a difference and for me, leads to being more open and honest about all aspects of the relationship.

There were other reasons for ending the previous relationship but as Dial Hard says unless these issues are addressed then it'll be very difficult for them to fix themselves especially as you have been trying. You may just not be compatible in that way either and if that's the case you've a choice to make.

I've had self-esteem and confidence issues in the past too can relate to him in that aspect and it sounds like you are doing everything on your end to let him know he is attractive, affirmations like that should help but unfortunately it seems it's not breaking through.