Living together after breakup

burner85 · 13-08-2022 4:20pm #1

Hello all.

Myself and my partner are joint tenants on a mortgage. The relationship has recently ended and is beyond repair, so we are weighing up our options.

It seems as though selling up and going our separate ways is the only affordable option. Neither of us earn enough to take over the mortgage alone, based on initial discussions with the lender. However, my now ex wants to submit an application anyway, as we were told they can sometimes consider exceptional circumstances.

I would be fine with selling or either of us taking over, I just want something sorted as soon as possible. The problem is, we were told these applications can take a very long time to process, so I'm afraid that it'll be a waste of time and inevitably refused, and we are just delaying selling, which is obviously also a lengthy process.

Living with this person, even in separate rooms, is really affecting my mental health. My ex is refusing to move out and I obviously can't make them. I could possibly move home, but I feel like I shouldn't have to as I am completely blameless in all of this (ex is not, and did something unforgivable). I also feel that if I move out, and leave my ex in the house, there is very little incentive for them to push for things to be sorted quickly.

Any advice/suggestions welcome.

c.p.w.g.w · 13-08-2022 4:23pm

Don't move out, is the only advice I can offer...

A lad in work had the same happen him, moved out into a buddies, and the ex is pretty much living in the gaff with her new boyfriend while the lad in work is paying half the mortgage and paying rent ...

Caranica · 13-08-2022 4:39pm

I lived with my ex for almost 2 years after we split. First few months weren't easy but it was fine after that

13-08-2022 4:57pm

Do not move out.

I'd say give the remortgage application a chance to be processed. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out, and you can then put it on the market. I assume you're not married / there are no children involved?

In the interim, stay in the separate bedrooms, and have an adult conversation about appropriate boundaries.

There is no point in trying to push your ex to move out either, it sounds like they have been advised not to leave until the property division is sorted out one way or the other.

handlemaster · 13-08-2022 5:13pm

Put the property on the market. The other party can get their application sorted in the mean time.

Strumms · 13-08-2022 5:21pm

I’d stay put… remain courteous, respectful and polite yet distant.

a cousin moved out when his marriage ended.. his wife due to psychological issues let’s say was all over the shop, spending every penny they had on designer clothing and home wear… she remained, he spent over a year trying to get her out….she left the place in tatters..

burner85 · 13-08-2022 5:22pm

Thanks for the replies so far.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119468629#Comment_119468629

Not married and no children, no.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119468762#Comment_119468762

We would need a solicitor and estate agent involved to start the sales process, which would mean more wasted money if the remortgage application was successful and we took it back off the market?

handlemaster · 13-08-2022 5:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119468831#Comment_119468831

Nope. Solicitor only required when sale agreed. Agent will be required buyers dont want to bitter couple presenting the house for their dreams. As you said the application will take along time your mental health is suffering. Heres the option

burner85 · 13-08-2022 5:42pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119468855#Comment_119468855

As part of the application to remortgage as a single applicant, you also need to submit an application to remove a borrower from the title deeds. I'm not sure how this would work when the title deeds also need to be requested to sell? Hence why I assumed we'd need to await the outcome of the application before deciding if we have to sell.

I've also read that it's recommended to vacate a property when selling it.

I, admittedly, don't know much about these sort of things though. Thanks for your suggestion.

13-08-2022 5:46pm

All good advice so far.

1. Neither party should move out ...or even consider it.

2. You are 'where you are'.... set boundaries ...... if partner watches the soccer / & you like the soaps....... discuss & decide...... a small bit of 'give & take' goes a long way...you ARE both adults. Rise above the "small molehills" ( say you make morning coffee & he's used last of milk.... it's not that big a deal really).

3. While matters are at a 'stalemate' for the moment I would advise strongly against bringing any new partner "home"...... now, you have no input/ contol/say about his behaviour anymore but out of common decency/ respect this should be a big 'NO-NO' while ye are under tge one roof.

--------------------------------

Realistically, if neither of you have a shot at 'going solo' on the mortgage that WON'T take long to become clear & the 'final nails' of the relationship can start getting hammered in...... which will be great for both of ye.......... stagnating in a dead relationship is never a good thing....as regards mental health AND planning for the future. Look after yourself....... Remember, this situation is only temporary & the tide will turn.

kniggit · 13-08-2022 5:55pm

Get advice from a solicitor immediately. The cost of a meeting with one is likely to be a miniscule proportion of the amount of money at stake. Do not move out or do anything else unless they advise it's OK.

The situation mentioned by c.p.w.g.w is not uncommon for fathers, but neither partner in a relationship without children should end up in it.

Unfortunately, even if the two of you did agree today to sell the house, it'd still be a long and painful process. For the sake of your mental health, try to find a therapist you can talk to while this is going on.

Floppybits · 15-08-2022 2:53pm

Discuss putting the house on the market ASAP especially if neither of you can afford the mortgage on your own. All you are both doing is dragging this out and preventing both of you from moving on. We all know what the housing market is like at the moment so I don't think it would take that long to get the house sold and then both of you can move on with your lives. As for having an empty house when selling, yes that maybe ideal but lets face it most houses on the market usually still have people living in them and they just go out when the people are coming to view the property and you can discuss that with the Estate Agent when is the best time to arrange appointments.

TheadoreT · 15-08-2022 5:35pm

You're very matter of fact about being blameless in the relationships failure, I'm sure if you asked your partner they'd think differently even if what they ultimately did to end it was unforgivable.

If you try get past the blind hate stage and admit some of your own failings it will probably make the living situation slightly less hostile and awkward.