How to cope with stress of going through a divorce?

Caranica

I got papers in the post last week out of the blue. It was happening at some point anyway but still came as a shock - haven't heard from my ex in about 6 months.

We do have an agreement but there has been a change of circumstances in the years since that was agreed (negatively on my side) and there are flaws in the agreement that have since been brought to my attention. So now I'm stressed about what's going to happen, I've been scrambling around for a solicitor which isn't easy in August when the courts are off, and I'm terrified of the legal bills (now that I've found one). On top of that I've issues with errors in the papers I received.

I'm not sleeping and I constantly feel sick, has anyone got any advice or tips for getting through the whole rigmarole. No kids thankfully so going through this alone.

OK. Sorry to hear about this trauma. And trauma is precisely the word for most people going through it. The fact that you do not have kids is enormously significant and indicitive that you will avoid worst-case scenarios.

The most obvious thing I would suggest is to get out and talk to people who are, or who have been, in the journey you now find yourself. You will get some very valuable perspective, experience and advice on legal and other issues. A group (Saol Nua) meets in the Stillorgan Park Hotel/Talbot Hotel every Thursday at 19:30 and that could be a good place to start. Similarly, another group (Talk2Us) meets in Clarke's pub in Phibsboro each Monday at 20:00 but that is currently off for August (https://www.talk2us.ie/).

Tomorrow night's meeting in the Talbot Hotel Stillorgan:

https://www.meetup.com/saol-nua-dublin-support-group-for-separated-divorced-people/

There are huge differences in the quality of solicitors and barristers in family law cases. As for the money, I've been quoted starting prices of €25,000 and €30,000. So, you're going to have to earn c. €60,000 to pay those starting fees. A Section 47, if children are involved and one of the couple wishes to get nasty, could add €5,000 or so more on top of that fee.

One guy to whom I spoke said that at the end of everything, the family home was sold despite his wife's objections and he rolled the legal fees into the mortgage on his first post-marriage home and the rising property market essentially cancelled out that debt in a way (this is a debatable view, but you get the point). Furthermore, and very importantly, only about 10% of all divorce cases end up in front of a judge. Some 10% settle on the morning of the court case, and 80% settle before then. Only one in ten people end up in court. In short, try and not be too catastrophic in your thinking as your potential worst-case scenarios in your head will destroy your energy, and almost certainly not come through. So, why torture your mind? Life is far too short.

Also, there is an enormous amount of anecdotal evidence about what is happening men in family law cases, but there is also recent evidence that things are changing in this regard (although our family law system is too secretive is discern any real pattern.) Read this April 2019 synopsis for an idea of recent legal changes: https://www.lawsociety.ie/globalassets/documents/submissions/divorce-in-ireland-april-2019.pdf

Find a decent councillor, too. Fettle are doing low-cost counselling. Until 12 August you can pay something like €46 per 50 minutes for one (https://www.fettle.ie/pricing). Claim the tax back on all these costs, and max out your health insurance support for counselling, and use the Employee Assistance Programme (EAP)  for your company, if you have it. I think you'll also find talking to friends about it will produce amazing support from people you never expected to be so supportive. It doesn't have to be a lonely road, even if the Irish State via its backward laws (2 years before we can legally divorce) and refusal to implement radical legal reform ensures it will be an unnecessarily long one for us.

MildThing84

The costs listed above are eye watering.

I paid my solicitor 3k for my divorce.

OP if you want details please feel free to pm me. Like you, no kids involved but family home etc. Separation agreement was sorted and paid for at another similar cost a few years earlier. But all in, it was less than 8k.

Caranica

Thank you both so much ❤️

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119442554#Comment_119442554

Yes my friend has just completed her divorce recently and it was much closer to 3k than 25k.

My friend also spoke to a counsellor after going through a rough break up which she said she found very helpful but I know it's not for everyone. If it's not for you, try your best to mind yourself and do what you have to to try and get through it. Be kind to yourself. Distract yourself with goals/projects. If you can get some walking/exercise in and try eat a balanced diet, even better. Support such as family and friends would be great if available. Self care is definitely important whatever that looks like for you at the moment. Wishing you the best of luck on the next chapter ahead 🍀🍀🍀

JimmyMW

Just out the other end of it myself and the costs can vary hugely depending on the situation, if your amicable and ye can come to an agreement which only needs to be made official id say 3-5K would get you through it, however if not your looking at 15-20K settling on the steps so to speak (this is where i landed) or 25-30K going all the way to court. It is an incredibly stressful time and i wish you the best of luck with it, my advice is get the best Solicitor you can to deal with the crap and just deal with one issue at a time yourself, conserve your energy where possible and try not to let it consume your thoughts (easier said than done I know)

Fiona

My partner has 3 kids he got divorced and it was less than €3k too.

No property as they never bought together. And he managed to get a nil pension adjustment order too. I can give you solicitor details if needed, he paid her weekly.

Caranica

Thanks again. I now have a solicitor who I feel will have my back. That's a relief. Waiting for the fee letter but I've accepted that it will be what it will be. The first consultation was €100+VAT cheaper than another one I'd contacted which was good, but it's a personal recommendation from someone who's been through a difficult divorce so 🤞

I'll check out that group in Phibsborough when they come back. For now I'm trying to keep busy and not dwell on it, now that I'm over the shock it's not the primary thing on my mind all the time.

Pretty sure I can get counseling through work and also my health insurance so I'll check that out too. Thanks again!

As it's September, that Talk2Us group is back tonight, Monday, in Clarke's pub in Phibsboro, starting at 8pm, if anybody is going through a separation/divorce and would like to hear other stories and advice from other people going through it/who have gone through it.

Ring Paddy, Christy or Deirdre on the link below just to confirm it's on.

https://www.talk2us.ie/