Date with a colleague

LittleLessConversation

Hi everyone,

This is my first post, and I am feeling vulnerable writing publicly, but I need some advice. I don't know where to go, where to ask, and I feel very lost at the moment.

I am bisexual but I have never been in a serious relationship with a guy. A month ago I matched with this lad from work; we talked before and he was not a total stranger so we smoothly moved to whatsapp.

We saw each other for drinks on a first date (where he was late), then for an exposition, and I made us crash a company event where we had a lot of fun. While having a chat about sex, he took my bisexuality as a "red flag" but I didn't really care about that, because I know who I am.

Never been dating guys, only hookups, I mostly was coping with his pacing. He said he wanted to take it slow, but that we wouldn't wait for the 6th date to have sex either. We met for a walk in the park at date 3, he mostly talked about his family, his past relationships and his current mortgage enquiry. Things seems okay enough, and because we work in the same company and we are in our 30s, I thought we could move forward. We went to my place and had sex on the same day.

It's been a month now, and I felt something was odd. I had a first conversation with him a week ago, asking if we were okay because I was feeling him distant, and not communicative. He said that he wanted to take things slow, but that he fancied me and there was no problem. He stayed the night over, we kissed and had sex, and i was reassured. But the same thing happened again, and I was more straightforward with him. He then sent me a text message saying I was right, that he was not at 100% in it and ended it like that. I asked for a talk at least to understand the change of heart,and he agreed to a call.

Long story short, I am the issue because I was expecting more than I should have according to him. And after I shared with him that I was feeling used because he told me things opposite a few days prior, he started to say that he never said that, that I was okay to feel what i feel but this conversation was going nowhere and he hang up.

I will get over this situationship, I am not feeling love or anything for him. But I have the feeling of being betrayed because I shared a lot of things with him, including the fact he was my first real date since my cancer. He was my first gay date, and he is a colleague, so I expected a minimum of respect.

Now I know nothing of the gay relationship, and if this is "normal" or not. One thing is sure, I don't want that. I saw some flags while we chatted (ie he has mostly been in long distance relationship, his last relationship lasted for several years, he was talking about me to his family/friends but didn't want me to see them, he showed me his new house but was not able to plan a dinner with me). I will for sure take more time to listen to my instincts in the future, and I lowered my guard only because we work together and after being transparent about my expectations.

If I were to date a guy moving forward, what is the right "pacing" and how do I realise that someone is "using me" by saaying sonething but acting differently?

Thanks for your help

Jafin

Hmm, this is a toughy. I'll start out with you being bisexual as a "red flag" for him - unfortunately this is not uncommon. A lot of gay men have this deep seated fear that a bisexual man will eventually default to wanting to have a relationship and family with a woman and live a heteronormative life. For this very reason many gay men just don't date bi guys at all.

As for how you can avoid this happening in the future? I don't know if you can. People can say anything they want, but it doesn't necessarily mean that that's how they truly feel. It's also entirely possible that he did mean it when he said it, but then changed his mind. However the fact he's denying he ever said it is dubious at best. It really sucks that you shared such intimate things with him and he turned around and did this to you, but that's life unfortunately. People can surprise us in both good ways and bad.

Pacing is different for everyone. If/when you date another guy in the future just go with whatever the natural flow feels like.

All the best, and don't lose hope with dating guys.

Maz2016

Hi OP. Not much to add here but I don’t think you did anything wrong. Don’t beat yourself up over it. I would have gone the same pace etc as you. Unfortunately things just didn’t work out. He could and should have given you the respect to end it properly and explain etc but that’s life. Don’t let it bother you too much. You can hold your head high. I also wouldn’t worry about the stuff you confided in him with (cancer, first date with a guy etc) he’d have to be a right a%%h0le to repeat that to anyone. Draw a line , put it down to experience and move on. You’ll get the right person when the time is right. Best of luck.

AllForIt

I think all the gay and bisexual stuff here is irreverent.

You seem to believe that dating comes with is an unspoken commitment to keep dating until a relationship flourishes no matter how long it takes. That attitude seems to me to be the reason you were so quick to tell him your personal stuff as if you never considered for a moment that there was any possibility he might loose interest after a few dates. Such an outcome is perfectly natural and it shouldn't take many dates before one would realize whether there's a spark there or not. The whole point of dating is to determine this.

I think your 'red flag' and 'used me' accusations are your mental excuses to deflect from the hard truth that he's not romantically interested in you. I know it's not a nice feeling but you'll get over it.

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119441560#Comment_119441560

I disagree. The other person told the OP that he was quite interested. The other guy lied about what he said to the OP. Nah I think the other guy treated the OP badly by lack of honesty and gaslighting.

AllForIt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119441696#Comment_119441696

Everyone has the right to have second thoughts.

It's not healthy to always assume the worst of people.