How to approach this?

Newjobdoubts

Hi all,

Just looking for a bit of advice on how to handle a guy- we’ve been off on texting for a number of years- tbh this is odd as I was the one who had not much interest in pursuing much romantically. He’d always text, flirt, the very rare coffee. Nothing much of it my end, but did feel may be it held me back a bit of from meeting someone else (amongst other reasons).

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, we went to the cinema. Had a lovely time. We’ve had some “fun” also. All going well in my head, was thinking even something more might finally come of all this.

The past week or less it’s been much less enthusiastic his end- I’d say he initiated maybe one or two text conversations- one about how tired he was and the other about sex! Tbh this has been wrecking my head now. I’m defo not a text every hour type of person but it doesn’t fit with his previous. He is very busy at work but we’ve all heard that one…..You can make time if you really want to.

What should I do? I’m really not interested in game playing rubbish. I’m in my late 30s and single a good while - I think that might be it, our brief intimacy has sort of reminded me what I was missing and that’s what I’m craving?

I’m absolutely not a clingy head melt but at the same time I just like to know where I stand.

Love to hear peoples thoughts. Thanks

Princess Calla

One piece of advice that stood to me was....if a guys interested you will know about it ....if not he's just not that into you.

CreadanLady

Finish it.

Newjobdoubts

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119368802#Comment_119368802

I suppose there’s nothing “to finish”! So do I just ignore from now on or confront?

CrookedJack

Op you say you're not into game playing, so just actually speak to him.

Ask him is he interested in anything more serious, and do it in person. A text conversation is not a real conversation, there's missed context and over-analysis.

You're a grown-up, have a grown-up conversation.

Newjobdoubts

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119368835#Comment_119368835

Defo agree. And if and when we meet again that had been on my mind to bring up. Thanks

JoChervil

OP without conversation with him I can tell you that he is not into anything serious. He wants just casual rare contact with no strings attached. Sex is just a bonus for him. And he probably has other women lined up in that way.

You need to figure out what you want from life. If you want serious relationship, so don't do casual things. Have proper conversation BEFORE getting intimate, so any disappointment would happen at the lower cost to your self esteem.

You yourself see now how it works. If you didn't have some "fun", his way of texting you now wouldn't wreck your head. Just next time do what is good for you. You don't sound like a one night stand person, so don't behave like a one because you are only harming yourself.

Newjobdoubts

I suppose I didn’t care too much about the casual thing until recently. Wasn’t really looking for more but lately I’ve found myself almost craving that again. Loneliness sets in ya know

LilacNails

Op, I have been in the same boat, try and cease contact now, I promise u it will only get worse. Unfortunately I got caught up with the same kind of guy for nearly 2 years and I feel like such a fool. I knew he didn't want to pursue things any further, I kept thinking there might be hope... I let him lead me on and I was the one who ended up with a knock to my confidence and regrets.

Still catch myself thinking about him and beating myself up, 7mnts later.

Go through, feel and accept those lonely **** feelings. I think he is only happily stringing u along. Like other have said if he wanted something more with u, u wouldn't be here in the first place.

Ignore his texts or just say ur not interested in hooking up anymore, u own him nothing, move on. Wish I did a lot earlier.

tea and coffee

Sounds like he enjoys the flirty pick me up on text where he gets a boost, there is no pressure or commitment.... he doesn't even have to see you!

But when the chips were down and you went on a date he backed off immediately.

He's not interested in dating you, I don't think.

TheadoreT

Are you even into him?? A few years of texting is a very long time and you claim you didn't feel much and didn't want to pursue much.

You've not said one complimentary thing about him here like someone who'd be interested in someone would.

Just feels like you're now more upset about him no longer being obsessed with you(or appearing that way) more than anything.

Really feel like you've a lot to work on as this who situationship sounds peculiar.

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119369659#Comment_119369659

If you didn't know you were looking for more, how's he supposed to know? You've been on and off texting for years. Seems like neither of you were too bothered to move things along. He's not to know you've switched up a couple of gears.

Maybe he has no interest in furthering this. Maybe, like you, he's unsure of what he wants, what you're looking for etc. You're not kids so just talk to him. It might lead to something it might end whatever it is you have, but at least it'll be a decision and you can move forward one way or another.

Nothing really has changed, except your thoughts. And he doesn't know about them.

Augme

Have you ever shown any interest in him OP? You've said he has been flirty and contastantly texted you but nothing much your end. Did you ever flirt back, text first, ask him to meet? Your pattern of behaviour screams of someone who has no real interest and I am sure the guy isn't stupid and probably realises that.

Given the fact you'd never shown any real interest, and still don't, maybe he has just realised he needs to pull back because it isn't going anywhere?

cuttingtimber22

you might as well have another physical date - sound him out and take it from there - eyes wide open that if you and him are not on the same page then you can back off.

Newjobdoubts

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119375840#Comment_119375840

You’re dead right. I’ll try do this- as people just say talk to him, sound him out.

Newjobdoubts

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119375772#Comment_119375772

No I really genuinely like him. My feelings grew a lot the last while- it’s like as if you didn’t see what was in front of your eyes and then you do. I’ve heard that said before but never thought it would happen to me

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119376097#Comment_119376097

At the risk of sounding like Yoda, there is no "try" here, you just talk to him.

bitofabind

Maybe it was the thrill of the chase to him. It was all very low commitment, low investment, years of texts serving as ego boosts to you both. Now its gotten physical, the allure isn’t there for him anymore.

It’s a bit cynical but I’ve spent years on the dating scene, this is pretty common. If I were you OP, if he comes back at some stage, have the frank conversation about being interested in more and see what the response is like. I think the biggest win here is to take the lesson you’ve learned here and run with it - you’re not looking for something. casual, you’re interested in a committed relationship. And start dating with that intention.

Salient Verb

"The past week or less it’s been much less enthusiastic his end- I’d say he initiated maybe one or two text conversations- one about how tired he was and the other about sex!"

He's a player. You are probably just one of several he has in this holding pattern, he keeps you interested enough with occasional texts and now is able to remind you that he would like sex when it suits him.

Not really great behaviour and not worth wasting time thinking about someone like that. A tired man that texts about sex -mmn no thanks!

spontindeed

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119369914#Comment_119369914

The problem is that the op is in her late 30's and her chances of finding a guy are shrinking because a lot of men are avoiding women with these new consent laws and on top of that men in their 30's value being single much more than women. If the op is "lonely" and happy with the casual relationship, then she should not be judged by others. Similarly, the guy she is seeing deserves not be judged either.

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119401976#Comment_119401976

<Mod Snip: Totally irrelevant and inappropriate>

OP, I would say this could be a red flag. At that age he should be emotionally mature enough not to go cold after a long chase...and then mention sex again. It's a dick move.

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First paragraph snipped. Please read The Forum Charter before posting again.

Ficheall

Let me just confirm - ye've been texting for YEARS and his pattern of texting for the LAST FEW DAYS isn't as intense?

Is it not just a teensy tiny bit soon for you (and definitely other people) to be inferring anything at all about him from this "change"?

Newjobdoubts

Hi all,

Just a small update to this really. Long story short but I eventually got it out of him. He isn’t well at the moment (on chemo drugs). So it’s not about me, I just want to support him in anyway I can really now, I have offered.

He’s a very proud, independent type of guy. Any advice welcome.

Goodigal

Just tell him you're there for him. That's all he needs to hear right now. Hope he's doing ok.