To what extent does physical attraction matter in a relationship?

ratatouille99

I'd like to kid myself it doesn't. I've rejected lads who were keen on me and better looking than me because I didn't enjoy their company- whether they just weren't that nice or a little arrogant, or just no craic/took themselves too seriously. Definitely wouldn't be the first thing I'd look for.

Recently I had a situation where I really clicked with a lad. He was sweet, romantic without being sappy, absolutely hilarious, had a lot in common with me and was wonderfully straight forward, which you don't find. I loved spending time with him and we went on several dates. Thing is, I could kiss and cuddle him no bother, but beyond that I had zero desire. He just didn't take care of himself. I kept trying to ignore my lack of attraction, but I couldn't seem to and called it off. It's been 3 weeks and I already miss him a little but I feel it's cruel to date someone you're not attracted to. A man should feel wanted in his mid-20s right?

To what extent does it really matter? Will 30 year old me give a damn? Am I particularly shallow? I have some friends who will only date gym/GAA types and other mates who only care if a guy is fun to be around. Is it possible to enjoy someone's personality/presence enough to become attracted to them or to just not care?

EmmetSpiceland

Personality goes a long way.

blueskys

If you are really in tune with yourself you will notice how the other person makes you feel. This has nothing to do with looks to be honest.

Go by how you feel and you will be ok. Then again if you are young work away, cant beat experience to finally find out what works.

Ray Palmer

You need to be physically attracted to somebody at the start for sure and they to you. As life goes on looks change so there really isn't any guarantee that you will stay physically attracted to somebody but your relationship should be stronger by then that the attraction remains while it my not be based on physical appearance as much.

I saw John Peel being interviewed once and he said the nicest thing I ever heard. Not a direct quote but the sentiment " I love her face and every wrinkle and mark as I was there with her and they were all hard earned together"

Bobblehats

Opposites attract, is she really ugly? You’re onto a winner.

Dial Hard

If you don't fancy your partner you're on a hiding to nothing. That doesn't mean they have to be conventionally attractive, just attractive *to you*.

For me, attraction is a complete package. You could be the hottest guy in Christendom but if you're a vacuous idiot, I'm not going to fancy you.

Xander10

"He just didn't take care of himself."

in what way? like if he doesn't wash, that could be a deal breaker.

Jequ0n

I don’t see the point in pursuing anything with a person I’m not attracted to. I couldn’t care less if this makes me shallow.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119298010#Comment_119298010

It's not even remotely shallow, it's human nature. I'd find it far weirder for someone to be with a partner they don't fancy. Why would anyone do that???

bb1234567

Shallow imo would be treating somebody poorly in a situation where looks do no matter..you're using looks to guide the way you think,judge and interact with somebody in a situation where it should be largely irrelevant , like a workplace. Wanting to be with somebody you're attracted to in order develop a relationship is not shallow but a necessity, you may have to readjust standards if you want to find happiness with somebody special but that's not the same discussion imo

ratatouille99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119297987#Comment_119297987

Drank way too much. He'd binge drink like twice a week easily and I haven't been at that craic since I was 19 or so. He'd do the whole "woe is me" act after a session. I only binge (5+ drinks) maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks? I'm more of a 3 drinks and I'm done type nowadays if I'm just going after work/to catch up with a friend.

I'm slightly overweight (BMI 26) but I'm working on it and he was definitely much heavier than that. Most importantly, he was a proper smoker. I don't mind someone smoking the odd bit when they're out, but he was a proper one. Has been for nearly 10 years. Not for me. And vain as it sounds, wasn't bothered shaving but didn't have a full on beard either. So he just had that awkward 5 day- one week stubble going on.

Not dirty or unhygienic, by any stretch, but just feel he'd given up a little. I do hope he gets it together. He's far too young to let himself go. Last time we spoke, he said he was going to quit smoking and had just signed up for the gym. Lovely lad, and I do feel a real shithead for explaining this.

Bobblehats

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119297940#Comment_119297940

This is it, sure you’re not looking at the fire when you’re dusting the mantelpiece.

Before anyone claims it’s not lit most of the year anyway but for me attraction is to be found in a big honker and an overbite. In the most flattering sense, of course I wouldn’t just blurt that out otherwise…

Xander10

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119298056#Comment_119298056

The drinking only is a big enough red flag. I think I'd be looking elsewhere without too much guilty feelings.

FintanMcluskey

Rule of thumb, if someone is overweight and unattractive their mid 20s, they are pretty fucked.

It's not hard maintain weight in your 20's

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119298023#Comment_119298023

It’s the same people who enter a relationship despite having reservations early on, and who then wonder how they end up in miserable marriages.