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I want a relationship but as soon as I'm close to getting into one, I find some reason to end it

  • 03-07-2022 4:39pm
    Registered Users Posts: 19

    I'm not sure if it's just that I haven't met someone I truly click with or it's me. I'm starting to think it's the latter.

    I've been single for about a year qnd a half after a pretty awful college relationship that lasted just over 2 years. I'm 23 and have dated a lot in this time. I don't say it outright, but when I meet someone I'm interested in and they're interested in me, a bit of me thinks "who knows? Maybe we'll click and he'll be my next boyfriend". If I'm being honest, I'm nearly always the one doing the rejection. I've been close to a relationship 3 times in this period. Infact I was "official" with one lad for around 2 months and was all excited for us to be BF and GF. I fancied him. But as soon as he asked me to be his GF, something inside me flipped and my gut said "no no no" and I found pure stupid reasons to end it a few weeks later. Just nonsense about why we couldn't work out.

    Recently, there was a fella I really enjoyed hanging out with. Went on 6 or 7 dates. He really liked me and I sensed it to an extent, but didn't know to what degree until he told me. I liked him a little but didn't feel very attracted to him. I guess I felt more platonically but I enjoyed his company so much that I tried really hard to make it work. Kissing was just OK and I had no "desire" for him. When he said he wanted to relationship and Im special to him etc, I totally panicked and called it off. I miss talking to him sometimes, he was different. Made up some nonsense about his smoking being a dealbreaker.

    My mom is starting to get on my case and thinks I'll never be happy if I don't give someone a "real chance" and I'll end up like my bachelor uncle. I think that's ridiculous, I'm way too young but she might have a point. Even my friends have starting joking about my ability to find one flaw and nope out of something within a date or 2- stuff like them being too into politics/outspoken; following too many semi nude Instagrammers; drinking too much; taking themselves too seriously; being too needy. But frankly, I think it's cruel to get into a relationship if something already bugs me about them before we're even together. I mean, relationships only get harder after the start and you can't and shouldn't try to change someone.

    Is it likely I'm just too fussy or have I just not met the right person?


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,639 ✭✭✭completedit

    Are you **** these guys? Be aware that a women's desirability goes down the more sexual partners she has had.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,639 ✭✭✭completedit

    Ok live in your fantasy world. OFC a women who is an easy lay is gonna be less desirable.

  • Registered Users Posts: 13,195 ✭✭✭✭Dav010

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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,639 ✭✭✭completedit

    Well if the person is honest, yes they should tell if they've slept with many people. Everyone has a past but this would be an instant turnoff for me. Once you start hitting the double digits with different people, that's weird IMO. I value sex as something intimate with an emotional connection. If someone cheapens it by sleeping with lots of people then that cannot happen. It's a serious red flag.

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,420 ✭✭✭YellowLead

    OP you are soooo young. If your gut tells you you don’t want a relationship with x guy or y guy then follow it.

    To be honest if you really liked somebody little things about them wouldn’t irk you. You just haven’t let somebody you are super into yet.

    It’s so hard to find mutual wants - for me anyway - either they want me and I don’t want them or vice versa!

    You’re only 23 - keep dating until you find somebody you really really want.

  • Registered Users Posts: 19 tinabelcher99

    I'm a female Gene Simmons, too late for me now.

  • Registered Users Posts: 19 tinabelcher99

  • Registered Users Posts: 741 ✭✭✭Jafin

    Sorry to be dredging this up almost a month after the last post, but OP I would like to suggest you look into something called Attachment Theory. I only discovered it last month myself, but so far is has been invaluable in helping me to pinpoint the reasoning for some of my own behaviours, and the behaviours of others, when it comes to dating/relationships. I want to say though do not take everything in AT as gospel, or pigeonhole yourself into being one style. Human beings are complex individuals, and most people are a mixture of different styles, so it's best to just use anything you learn about it as a general guideline into some of your own behaviours and feelings.

    From what little information you gave, it sounds like you may be leaning on the Avoidant Attachment style of things when it comes to romantic relationships. You feel like things are going great until suddenly they become official and you nope out of it without really understanding why. People with this style generally tend to hyper-focus on small negative things once it gets real, shut off their feelings and end the relationship. I'm not saying you do have this style, it's just my observation from what you've mentioned.

    I hope this was helpful, even if only a tiny bit.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 965 ✭✭✭SnuggyBear

    It sounds like avoidant attachment style alright. I am the same. I don't even bother looking for relationships because I know how it will end. I'm not sure if you can change yourself?

  • Registered Users Posts: 8 Bipass

    This is really stuff to speak to a psychologist about. I would start there