Are there "relationship people" and "non-relationship people"?

fishersham

I've always assumed we were all "relationship people" and it's just a matter of if/when you met someone and it works. When I'm single, it's not that I'm actively choosing to be, it's just that I haven't met the "right person" for me at that time. I'll take being single over a bad relationship any day

I went for drinks with a fella off Tinder back in December. He was a shy, STEM type and pretty cute. He gave some BS excuse about being busy but he still drunk texts me once every couple of weeks. It's always just "hey x"/ "how are you?" type stuff at night. Today I finally engaged and joked "I think drunk you forgot you were in Canada and I'm not even in (place I went to college) this summer". He apologised and said "but would it have mattered if I was closeby?". I said "sorry, not the one night stand type" and he followed with " well you're probably better off for it, I did get the vibe you're a relationship person".

It got me thinking, are there really some people who would actively chose not to be in relationships, like this fella may or may not be? The way he said it almost sounded like an insult. I thought everyone was like me.

Liberty_Bear

There are those who are into relationships definitively as in they cannot live with out them and there are those who are averse to them as they dont want them as they thrive on their independence. Most of us will move along somewhere in between over the years. I have been single for five years mostly by choice after a break up in which I caught the other half cheating. Long story short only in the last few months do I really want to go out dating and perhaps meet someone for companionship. Nothing in me wants to do the whole live together, undying love sort of thing. My ideal scenario would be see each other maybe twice a week, holiday together and we can chat reguarly on the phone or by text or whatever - thats not set in stone. The issue I find is a lot of other men are in open relationships, we are not each others type or its fúck and go which I do myself at times. Thats my own thoughts anyways xx

chrissb8

Most people straddle somewhere in the middle. Some prefer higher degrees of independence and autonomy within relationships than others. Personally, I think the most successful relationships are those where each person has their life outside of the relationship. That ability to have a sense of self through hobbies/sports/interests and other social groups leads to happier people and thus healthier relationships.

For the OP though you should assume most don't want to get into a relationship. Initially. Don't start a mutual attraction off with that weight. "I want this to lead to a relationship". You have to go through the whole dating/having sex/spending time together. Then over time, people figure they want a relationship. So you're right that most do want a relationship, they just don't generally know how or when until they get to that point with someone.

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119283922#Comment_119283922

Certainly some people don't realise they want a relationship until they meet and get to know that 'special' someone. But of course there will be people who don't want or need a relationship to feel complete or happy.

I can't agree that most successful relationships are those where each has separate interests or social groups. The happiest, strongest, and more successful relationships I've come across have shown shared values, interests and social interactions. The weakest have been where there was a desire for a sense of independence on the part of one or both.

Regarding the OP: There will always be those who seek a relationship, those who consciously avoid them, and those who find themselves inextricably and unconsciously drawn into one. We're all different and life takes many different routes.

Jequ0n

There are definitely relationship and non relationship people.

Personally I cannot understand the desperate need for a relationship that drives some people into disastrous relationships, which they prefer over being alone. Each to their own I guess.

The biggest problem is that most people are programmed to believe that relationships are the only true and valid model to pursue. Non relationship people will still be looked down upon because they do not fit the mainstream model.

Its hardly a surprise that so many people end up cheating.

I know a girl and she begins to wrinkle and decay if she's single for anymore than 72 hours.

I‘m a very strongly independent type by nature, I tend to run a mile if I think a guy is trying to claim me almost as his property, but so long as the guy appears to give me space I am comfortable and would rather let things evolve quietly. However in my experience a lot of men tend to be either into almost exclusively sex or else dragging out chats ad infinitum and if you appear, at least to them, to be cooling off or go away for a short spell they sort of panic with the texting and calling.

I just think some of us by instinct like to make a good long assessment before being a serious part of anyone else’s life.

Bobblehats

Can't say for certain, but there's people I know that much..... so many people, best to narrow it down right where am I going with this -

..so. Lookit, In my experience everybody is a relationship person. Often in denial, but the modern relationship is borne out of time. Of a trust; of compatibility so best find that one you are comfortable with give it a good say 15 to 20 yr at least and if you're still getting along then you must be onto a good thing?

..at which point you can actually meet up. See if that works out, and you can take it from there maybe kids, into the bargain who knows all that stuff but be aware there is no such thing as a happy accident. Particularly these times if you're in it best be to win it, that's all I am sayin.... which goes for relationships on the whole; of course and good luck.

Leg End Reject

I think most people want a relationship, but not always the live together/get married and have kids kind. A lot of the time if someone tells you they don't want a relationship it just means they don't want one with the person they're saying it to.

Some will want the whole shebang and the house in suburbia, some will go for traditional set up because it's the "done thing", some will want their own space but someone they see regularly, some will want an open relationship, some will want a polygamous relationship, some won't want a relationship and some are incapable of forming social bonds.

It would be a boring world if we were all the same.

Ray Palmer

It is much easier to have a relationship when young but as you get older it is more difficult. Basically you get set in your ways as you get older and aren't willing to compromise along with the baggage each person has. Most people want a relationship but more fail to get one and resign themselves to it and accept they won't

Ubbquittious

Yea I think I'm a non relationship person. Love the freedom.

I find after a while a relationship tends to devolve into the other person attempting to break my spirit and get what they can out of me for their own benefit. I dread ever again having to worry about getting an earfull for coming home too late or putting off whatever chore they had me roped into.

BaywatchHQ

I haven't had a friendship since 2013 and never have been in a romantic relationship in my 30 years so yes I think it is same to assume I am not a relationship person.

dorothylives

I didn't think that I was a relationship kind of person, I didn't want a serious relationship and was happy being single, independent and having casual sex when I wanted to. Then I met my now husband when I was in my mid 20's, when I met him things just changed. We've been together for almost 30 years now and we're closer now than ever which I know is unusual.

I see people in terrible relationships, people I would never have put together who when they were in their early to mid 20's wouldn't have given the other a second glance but as their friends and siblings settled down, got married and had kids they decided to settle. A lot of them are miserable but won't/can't afford to separate and some have separated but barely see their kids. I think it just depends. I think there's also a lot more pressure nowadays. Guys can't win no matter what they do.

A lot of men don't want relationships now and I don't blame them.

Ubbquittious

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119290253#Comment_119290253

awh u craythur

Pissy Missy

This guy, like plenty of them, was just looking for a casual booty call. I think a person becomes a relationship person if 'the right person' comes along or they're actively looking for a relationship and/or be with just about anyone to be in a relationship and avoid being single/alone

Im def a relationship person, but will happily be staying single until a guy gives me a good reason not to be.

completedit

Yeah if you're attractive you'll be a relationship person. Does anyone actually know any attractive, properly attractive, single people? No. They get into relationships when it suits them. Non relationship people are coping. I am a non relationship person because nobody I like is attractive to me and on top of attraction I need to like their personality. You need people to really want to be in a relationship for settling to happen. I don't care enough to just get into a relationship.

Being single is **** but being single with the wrong person doesn't sound much better.

mariaalice

My first husband should never have gotten married, relationships are too stressful for him none have ever worked out, I think there are a fair few people who have minor issues or personality issues that make relationships tricky for them.

Mate-seeking behavior is part of the human condition so there are very few to none who are not relationship people, there are other things going on.

ancapailldorcha

I'm convinced in the latter camp. I've started getting attention from women but frankly, if I wanted something female to hate and judge me I'd get a cat.

dorothylives

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119292684#Comment_119292684

Leave the poor cats alone. If anything it's you who comes across as judgemental.

Leg End Reject

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119292684#Comment_119292684

Why would all women hate and judge you?

ancapailldorcha

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119292881#Comment_119292881

It was a tongue-in-cheek comment. I never said "all women".

Leg End Reject

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119292891#Comment_119292891

You should put yourself out there and try, at worst you'll be sure relationships are not for you.

ancapailldorcha

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119292897#Comment_119292897

I don't know. I've gotten very used to being master of my own fate. A friend of mine went on a bender in Dublin recently. He was out all night and then stumbled home drunk very late in the morning to his angry wife who was less than pleased. I've no interest in such things but I find the concept of being beholden to someone like this completely alien.

I don't find most women attractive either. There's someone at work but she refuses to speak to me for some reason. Being single means much less drama.

Leg End Reject

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119292925#Comment_119292925

Well, only you can decide, but don't let a few anecdotes or aloof people deter you.

ancapailldorcha

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119292978#Comment_119292978

They're not. Mostly, it's the futility of trying. I just can't be bothered. My friends are all in good long-term relationships. I know it can work.

kirk.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119292527#Comment_119292527

Ya I know someone who's every relationship is on-off with endless conflict and drama

EmmetSpiceland

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119292925#Comment_119292925

As a veteran of many’s an all night session, the only time I’d have gotten any “grief” would have been at times when I’d said I’d be home at a decent hour or if we had plans for the next day.

Basically, for being inconsiderate. Which is, wholly, understandable. It’s fairly easy to avoid.

JDD

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119292925#Comment_119292925

See that depends on the situation. If they didn't have kids then it is ridiculous to give out to a partner for coming home drunk at whatever time. Before kids I couldn't have cared less if my husband rocked in at 7am after being out. He's his own person.

Having kids is different. It's like jointly starting a 24-hour corner shop with you both working shifts. If your partner comes home pissed at 7am, and then sleeps the whole day or is a total write off, then it means the other person has to pull a double shift to cover them. That's when the "angry wife" trope is pulled out.

It's kids that put an end to your freedom. Not a relationship. There's very little that you really need to compromise on when its just a two person relationship - especially if you have similar tastes.

I think the "relationship person" vs "non-relationship person" comes down to whether you get your energy from having other people around you (extrovert) or you get your energy from recharging while being alone (introvert). Even the presence of another person in your space can be draining for an introvert, and I think that's why so many of them decide that a full on, living with another person, relationship just isn't for them. Though a more distant relationship would work (dating once a week etc).

ancapailldorcha

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119293092#Comment_119293092

I don't actually drink myself. It's just an example. Another would be that when my friends and I travel, we're limited to the Balkan states because the wives get annoyed when we go to places like Florence and Milan. None of them want to see Belgrade or Nis.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119293110#Comment_119293110

I'm an introvert so maybe that's it. When I travel, I adore the evenings when I can just zone out by myself.