Getting Older, Lonliness and Dating - The Experiences of a nearly Middle Aged Man

Liberty_Bear

Another hang over has passed since Saturday night, few beers with mates in Jurassic and chatting to everyone and anyone, introducing myself to the odd man who catches my eye. Took a few hours. Thats the typical night out, few beers, maybe I might pull someone and away into the night we go. Wash rinse and repeat. Im forty this year, that big 4 and 0 , cant say that it bothers me too much, should anything bother me its that I've to this point and survived ha! All those crazy times.

Its with getting older though that comes the difficulties in dating. Ive been single about five years mainly through choice as Ive dated a few men I have clicked with. Some of whom would perhaps be described as out of my league , some that might be labelled psychos who got dropped quite quickly but also nice guys and those I liked but who didnt like me. I ean a control freak undertaker, a guy who chatted incessantly about his pets (which is endearing but wears thing) and an obnxious Scottish guy who tells homeless people to f* off.

Meeting people for a potential date is the issue here - getting a person to meet for a bite to eat and a quiet pint or a coffee. I make an effort every once in a while and try other avenues some others may not have thought off. Ive a guard up. This week I had a chap on Grindr talking and we get on well, we swap Whats App, messages are quite light and funny , nothing sexual and he says he is interested as he is tired of sex and boom ghosts me. I just shrugged my shoulders and moved on.

Now all that has brought me to the crux of my point. The lonliness has begun to creep in. Ive a great relationship with myself - I worked on that after years of neglecting it, Ive a good circle of friends, a social life and a great family and work mates I could not ask more of. I dont need another man to feel complete but I do yearn for someone to share those little things in life with like holidays, trip to the cinema, odd beer or coffee and to come home and know that if he has a bad day, he can flop out on the sofa behind me and tell me how bad his day was. Ive only three criteria - stocky, conversation and a sense of humour.

Am I selling msyelf short? Ive been a social creature (am by nature), tried various apps and sites but not with as clear as intent as I am now. I do know I am not the only person experiencing this but maybe your experiences might be different to mine? Open to discussion

eaglach

I'm in the same boat and I'm in my mid-thirties. Personally I think I have too high of standards. Well, when I say that, I tend to go for stereotypical straight guys which are hard to find on the apps!

Like you, I'm happy in my own skin. Don't really need a partner to be happy, but it sure would be nice. I've been single most of my life but at this stage I feel like I've spoken to all the eligible gay guys in Ireland. I'm seriously considering moving abroad to see if it's better anywhere else. May be extreme, but with all my friends settled down, I am starting to feel more isolated with no one to go for a few drinks with or the odd weekend trip. May as well be living in another city and enjoying myself with a new experience.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119192438#Comment_119192438

Afternoon mate. You kind of read my mind on this and the same has crossed my mind about moving abroad. The apps are not the place to go except to spend a bit of time to seperate the wheat from the chafe. I normally give a polite no thanks if they are looking for hook ups, Ive lads who sort me in that department. Its almost heresy to talk about having a relationship in the gay community and I have been guilty of pulling up those over the years who 'Id love a relationship' then I realise years later I am that exact same person! Ive a lot of friends now who are settled down and to give them credit they do keep in touch and we do meet up but Ive changed my friends circle somewhat to include a new group of friends over the last few years. Dont give up is what I say, I know from clubs, bars , saunas and apps that there are limited options. I tire of the open relationships and friends with benefits that people always offer, Ive been there, I have the FWB...Im looking for something more profound but alas!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119192438#Comment_119192438

It might be worth considering that actively searching for the "perfect partner" might not be the best approach.

To give an example; I met my boyfriend at the time when I was actively not searching for a relationship. I wanted to stay single.

Sure, many people find relationships through apps and gay bars and so on, but opportunities to find the right guy are not limited to these experiences either.

(also, there is no such thing as the "right guy" actually. There are lots and lots of "right guys" out there!)

Often, it's about putting yourself out there more, mixing with more and more people beyond your usual routine and social habits, where you almost accidentally find the right person.

Apps and things like that are often more about rapid hook-ups, despite the claims made by people using those apps. That's just the nature of apps.

But that said, there isn't a one-sized fits all approach. Best to reconfigure your efforts based on your own experiences and what you might be able to do to reach out to and find people beyond what you are currently doing.

One other factor that many people overlook is the need to make themselves "attractive". Not attractive in the physical sense necessarily, but to ask questions about your career, interests, personality and so on; and ask whether there is anything you can do personally to improve your "CV", so to speak, in the same way that you would expect other people to be sufficiently to the standard you would like. The more you can tailor what you are "selling" (apologies for the metaphor), the wider net you can cast to find the right kind of people interested in you. Now, of course, there are some who'll say, "...but you are already perfect". Nobody is perfect, and there's always small things we can do over time that can make a big difference to ourselves, and how this can attract more and more people. Other people can pick up on these things over time if we've made a sufficiently conscious effort to improve those parts of ourselves we've tended to take for granted or have, up until now, simply ignored or wished away.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119193618#Comment_119193618

Not at all and we have heard this a lot from people that actively searching for a partner is somehow appearing over eager. There has to be a balance struck between being open to people and not setting an agenda when you first meet them. A person should be clear about their intention, now putting on an app "actively looking for a relationship" would put me off as they appear to settle for second best but terming it "LTR orientated" or open to an LTR changes the language and the thinking around. There is a general state of ambivelance within the hallowed halls of Dublins Gay Scene. On one hand we switch between wanting to lash everything not nailed down (been there and dont that and quite happily have a few different versions of the gay scene) and then there are blokes who have you up the aisle after two coffee dates. The reason why I set up that Mens Social Group and organised various other groups was to give a general alternative to the bars/clubs/saunas/apps which we are have. The gay scene can be both unforgiving and by the other token be extremely friendly in its nature (hence me describing it as ambivelant). Can agree on ironing out issues that we have in the scene however on another post you did seem quite protective of those whom are hell bent on staying rigidly in the top/bottom category which flies in the face of the advice above. I agree with 70% of what you say yet my experience perhaps has shaped me different to you but its a good post all the same !

Barna77

I hear ye.

Mid 40s (one foot on the grave in gay years) and I've been single since.. forever. At this stage I'm convinced I'll be alone for the rest of my days. And it hurts. It hurts so much. Some days it's just too much, some days I'm ok with it. As said above, I want someone to share the little things, even if it's just talking shite sitting outside in the garden. I'm tired of being the single one in my always shrinking circle of friends.

I've moved out of Dublin down the country so the chances of meeting someone down here are slim. Let alone meeting up with my mates who all live in Dublin. At the same time, I feel I can't be bothered with apps or groups any more. I have the commuter life now. Home to work, work to home, feeling exhausted by mid evening and gone to bed while the sun is still shinning.

I've posted about this before, I'm repeating myself here.

AllForIt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119358337#Comment_119358337

Mid 40s (one foot on the grave in gay years)

Why on earth would you think something like that. The complete opposite is the case.

It seems to me you've been mixing with the wrong sorts of people.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119358337#Comment_119358337

Again Ive heard that too mate, with you on it. Funnily enough I met someone Ive become friends with and there seems to be this growing interest, I was caught by surprise as the chap is not my normal type but find myself getting smitten with him!

Stop the naval gazing. I'm 20 years older than you guys, a far cry from the tall lithe athlete I once was, and I get hit on a lot. My face was never going to adorn a fashion billboard over Times' Square, but I had a great time and when I choose, still do.

What I have noticed is that many guys are always looking for something better. They fail to really see and appreciate the guy in front of them. Unbeknownst to them they have already won the lottery. Rarely will you find perfection. You have to compromise on something that's on the must have checklist for a prospective partner.

OP you're not alone. I see so many guys on apps looking for a guy for a long term relationship. Trust me, he's there.

A word of warning-approaching 40, hangovers each week should not be happening. Cut back on the alcohol. Maybe join a meetup group for whatever pursuits you have. The world is your oyster. Grab it (or him) by the balls.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85pJXaiXOBU

Liberty_Bear

H

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119937128#Comment_119937128

Hi mate

No navel gazing here!. I run a lot of community groups for LGBT people, I run events on the scene a have a wide circle of friends. There exists a deep malaise in the LGBT community where there is an expectation of the here and now. For those on here who know me in real life will know Im an assertive easy going sort of man. The problem is that this culture has developed and will continue to develop!

As an aside, two months ago I met someone by pure chance that happened to meet me by pure chance.

Onwards and upwards!

Citrus_8

Great thread, thanks for sharing your thoughts guys 👍🏼 I'm 35, separated a few years back from the 6 years relationshit as I call them now 🤣 I feel that a lot of gay scene is oriented to the youngsters. When I was in my 20s, I loved going to the clubs, but not that much anymore. And it seems that just because of this I'm losing around 30% of chances meeting someone new in my life, either that's a friend or something else. I agree with someones throughts we need to be proactive but I often feel staying home on the weekends, resting, going to the gym, studying, gaming, watching something on TV, having a quiet time. Other times I find myself too lonely, but also not feeling motivated enough to go out - that's a bit odd. How to find a spark?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119998292#Comment_119998292

It's the same the world over. Youth is king in the gay world. I've had the opportunity to tell some younger guys that I once was as wild as they are now, and that that one day they will look in the mirror and say WTF has happened? Where did the time go?

Like I said. Mr. Right is out there, but expectations must be realistic.

Annasopra

Had 2 dates recently

Very torn

Bad part

Very self obsessed. Obsessed with materialism. Drives an expensive car. Looks down on and criticises my car. Has plans in the future that someone will buy him a very expensive wedding ring. Demands about how he should be treated certain ways.

Good part

He is good fun; has a great sense of humour and shared a few personal interests and the physical intimacy is nice

what the hell!

Hey guys. 39 yr old here. I find the problem with me is that I'm getting way too comfortable being by myself. I can't be bothered to put in the effort anymore of the chats and getting to know someone. It's too easy doing things by yourself- you can go where you want, when you want. Eat what you want, when you want etc etc. I dunno I suppose that all changes when you meet 'the one'. But it's the hassle of meeting 'the one' haha.

Barna77

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120144990#Comment_120144990

Yes, it more or less reminds me of someone I know. He's a laugh, I love hanging out with him, but he has a checklist for potential dates. Usual like looks etc etc and then the one must have a good job. By good I mean a 6 figures salaries so they can buy a penthouse in the city (USA) and have the good life.

I'm doomed so.

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120145199#Comment_120145199

Thats kinda where I come from too 🤣

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120146034#Comment_120146034

Im really torn on this guy to be honest.

Citrus_8

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120145199#Comment_120145199

I'm similar age and found that I'm becoming same as you describe... Not sure how to feel about it. Odd days I feel lonely, but mostly just enjoying my life. Some of my colleagues or even family members who have their own kids, are married etc., look at me as a 'loner'. And I wonder sometimes that I may look as a lonely sad weirdo? I hope I don't as I love my life the way it is...

Maz2016

Approaching 40 and single for years. In the habit now, do what I want when I want kind of thing. Recently I’m starting to feel a bit lonely though. I’m too lazy to go out and date. Where else can you find “the one” though