How to start over at 37?

miserablelady

Hi everyone,

I am feeling very low and hoping for some help and advice.

I very recently broke up with my boyfriend of three years, following two miserable years where he became increasingly emotionally abusive and cruel. It was the absolute worst possible timing, with the pandemic, and I was basically stuck with him through three lockdowns (we're in the UK) and then months longer as I tried to save up enough money to be able to rent on my own.

When we met I thought he was The One...he was absolutely lovely, thoughtful and amazing. He would go out of his way to plan lovely dates and I just loved chatting to him and being with him. After some time, however, after I moved in with him around a year after we started dating, he started to get very snappy with me and very mean. He started to criticise me heavily, telling me I repeat myself all the time, I have the memory of a goldfish (for not remembering stuff he told me before, but I don't think he did ever tell me!) and just being all around rude and mean. I felt so small around him, as if I was just nothing. I can't describe the feeling of utter worthlessness and humiliation as he berated me for the most trivial things. I fought back at first and we had screaming matches but as time went on, I just couldn't face the constant arguments and tears so I just didn't bother answering back, for a quiet life.

I have now finally left him and am trying to get my life back together. I've got a small flat (rented) and am trying to build my social life back up as best as I can. A lot of my friends in the area left during the pandemic and obviously our mutual friends are no longer an option, so I feel so lonely. London can be a really hard place to live when it comes to meeting people. I plan to go on some hikes with Meetup and join some hobby groups but am not feeling overly hopeful. I'm going to be 37 very soon and I feel like I've well and truly screwed up and missed my final chance for a partner. When I met this last one I'd just turned 34, and was feeling it was very 'last chance saloon' for getting married and having kids, and the pandemic absolutely torpedoed my chances at finding anyone else (I'm clinically vulnerable so even if I'd left him sooner, I didn't feel comfortable going out). Now at 37 for the first time in my life I really do feel 'old'. I feel like I've aged loads in the past few years with all the stress, and I just don't see how or where I'm going to meet anyone. I think I'm still relatively decent looking, try to dress nicely, and I've quite a good figure from running and doing weights at home most days, but that's it.

How do I move on from here? What do I do? All I can think of is that I'm 36, very nearly 37, and my entire life has imploded. I have no partner, no kids, and no friends, really. It all feels very hopeless and grim.

NSAman

Stop feeling lost.

life has a way of turning from crap to blissful, it just takes time. Instead of looking for relationships to come along they normally just appear.

37 is nothing (hate to sound patronising) you are still young.

take it from someone whose life imploded (as you call it) in their 30’s. There are people everywhere. Good people, kind people, who want the best for you. Do NOT settle. Learn what you want in life and what you deserve. You are important, someone else has to see that in you before you can call him “the one”.

Get out there, enjoy life, meet people. Love and live life and I am absolutely sure, “the one” will find you.

Jequ0n

Focus on rebuilding your social circle and don’t rush into a new relationship. If you are opening yourself up for a new relationship while feeling this low and insecure you will attract the wrong type of people, who will take advantage.

Best of luck to you.

ShamanRing

My life imploded mid thirties too, it actually worked out quite well. Made a new social circle, figured out hobbies and dating has been fun (as long as you don’t put yourself under pressure).

Pause for just a minute and read the fourth paragraph of opening post. Look at how far you've come already. So many people stay in bad relationships because they are afraid to leave or that they will not find anyone else.

But you didn't do that. You had the courage to end it and walk away (doesn't matter how long it took, you did it) and got yourself sorted with a new home and you have plans - you are moving on.

Give yourself some time. Every relatonship takes time to recover from. I've a feeling you're going to be just fine.

JoChervil

Years ago I had a dream that it was my birthday and that I realised I made a mistake and it would be my 24th, not 25th birthday. I felt so happy that I am in fact 1 year younger than I thought. I remember this feeling jumping with joy and excitement! And then I woke up and realised that it was indeed my birthday and that I was 25 on that day.

Since then whenever such a thought crosses my mind that I am old, I just remind myself that I should be happy that I am not older. It works for me. But maybe because I remember this joy from my dream. So I put myself in my year older shoes and feel that joy of been one year younger. I hope my explanation makes sense.

At 37 you are young and a lot of opportunities are awaiting you. And you already did a lot to put yourself on the right path. Well done!

BTW Emotions usually need 2 years to fizzle out. So don't rush things, just focus on finding friends first.

OP, I’m 61 and dating someone who is far from past it 😁… no such thing! Get your best kit on, feel your young-ness, your attractiveness to guys… you are only in your 30s! You deserve some positivity and fun, though I know you may not feel quite like it right now. The pandemic has been cr@p, you’ve had a horrible deal of it. But that can change for the better.

A friend of mine met her life partner in her 50s in London (they used to pass the same route every day) now almost 60 they are blissfully happy. For some people the best things happen later.

Jequ0n

@JoChervil I’m sorry but I don’t understand the content of most of your posts.

Apologies if this is off topic but I’m trying to understand.

bitofabind

Another member of the 30's Imploding Life club here 😊

Everything fell apart for me a few years ago. I took a few years to figure myself out, work through some personal issues with a therapist, make some better life decisions and turn things around. Things are nowhere near perfect now because that's life, perfection isn't realistic, but I'm not afraid of hard decisions now and I understand myself a lot better than I ever did. And I met the best partner I could ever have imagined for myself in my mid-30s when I stopped fretting or caring about the timelines.

Here's some blunt take-aways I've had:

• You are younger than society will allow you to feel OP. 30s is young, regardless of what your biological clock is doing or what the world will tell you about being left on the shelf as a spinster or missing the boat on babies or whatever. You don't need a partner to have a baby these days.
• Life is very long and miserable when you are not living according to your own values and your own needs. Figure out what they are and prioritise accordingly. For me, it meant quitting my job, quitting London and remaining single for a few years before dating again. That's what it took to clear out the cobwebs and figure out how to life live on my terms.
• The easy decision is not usually the right decision. Find a way to connect with what YOU want to do and to screen out the outside noise, which becomes extremely loud when you're a woman in your mid-late 30s. What the world expects of you is not what will bring you peace. It's what YOU want and need that matters. And there's no playbook for that - you have to figure it out for yourself. That's your personal responsibility to yourself.
• Therapy. We build patterns to protect ourselves as humans. We stay in what's familiar, regardless of how bad it is for us. You stayed in a bad relationship for a long time despite knowing better. No judgement - I did the same, in a relationship and in a job that was damaging me. When we know better, we do better. Spend some time analysing the WHY of these choices so you don't repeat them. This is the hardest part. Most people don't do it. Decide that you will. And find a therapist.
• Being kind to yourself is the only healthy way forward to a better life. Stop judging yourself for the choices you made. We do the best we can with the resources we had available to us at the time. That means bad choices, that means wasting time, that means regrets. That's what it is to be human. Stop beating yourself up. Read up on self compassion and try to lean into the pain that you've been through instead of judging yourself. Look up Kristin Neff, Dr Gabor Mate, have a listen to their podcasts and meditations. A big life hack for me was when the penny dropped that life is going to be hard anyway - don't double down and make it harder by blaming yourself and hating yourself. You deserve kindness and you have been doing your best. Try to really connect with that as an idea.

Skibunny77

Your life did not implode. You took control, valued yourself & changed it. You should be so proud of yourself, escaping emotionally abusive relationships is a huge achievement

As an aside, I met my husband at 38 & had our son at 41. Most of my close friends met their now husbands between 36 - 40. Stop mentally writing a hopeless future for yourself. Go for some counselling, you have been through an awful ordeal. Keep believing in yourself & let life happen...

seasidedub

It's really, really hard when you meet someone with whom you believe you click and begin to plan for a future which will now not happen. You have to come to terms with that and create a different future for yourself as well as grieve and cope in the present.

Don't give into the temptation to go online dating too soon, it's so easy as it's at our fingertips. Give yourself time to grieve and heal a bit and to find out who you are again. If you go dating now you're only numbing the pain and even run the risk of meeting someone who might really fall for you when you're not ready - and then they get hurt, a cycle...

Rekindle friendships which you might have neglected a bit if this is possible, choose a few activities- don't overdo it - pick maybe a physical one like hiking and an intellectual one like a new language. If further education or a course would further your career then now may be the time, it would keep you really busy and could mean a new social circle.

A bit of netflix and chocolate won't kill you, but limit it after a while because you are going to have to move on sooner or later.

Accept any invitations - spend a bit on yourself if you can, hair, clothes etc and go anywhere you're asked. Looking good will help you feel good, it does work.....

Try something new, like climbing or rowing or something you maybe wanted to try.

Did he hold you back in some ways? Like not wanting a beach holiday although you did, something like that? Then now is the time to do stuff like that.

Would you move home - if feasible? It could be less lonely than London and possibly you'd have family.

Cry as much as you like, you'll stop eventually.

Unless he definitely had a pathology such as Narcissistic Disorder etc, (and sure, there are some real freaks out there) accept it just went wrong, it failed but nobody is necessarily the bad guy here, it usually takes two. Think about how you'd like a future relationship to look like and what could be different.

It's rotten and tough and hell to go through, but, he's gone and you will survive and make a good life for yourself either with a partner or single.

con___manx1

Im 36 year old guy soon to be 37 in a relationship 3 years now but im not really sure about it.

Have you not got any friends or family back home in Ireland?

Maybe you could go on stress leave from work and head home for a bit for some support from loved ones.