Where you screwed in divorce court

protectmyteensfrommypartner

I recently went to divorce court and it didn't go in my favour there are a lot of factors that it didn't and I am at peace to let the money part of it go, it would cost me more to get the money back from a money orientated narissist that was my husband than I would gain from appealing. The part that really floored me was about the girls, we have 2 teenage girls and even though he has never taken advantage of all of the access that I have previously given him the girls are a burden to him he won't let them do what hey want to do when they are with him, he rules and everything they do are an inconvenience to him, he is a bully but they pander to him all of the time. I have tried to protect them as much as possible but I end up at the tail end of verbal abuse maintaining I am trying to keep HIS kids from him (he always declare ownership of them - this scumbag when he used to make them something to eat used to take a bit from the food whatever it was first before giving it to them, I seen this as a dog pissing on their territory to claim ownership of it) I hold my hands up in divorce court I had really bad representation everybody that had represented me for the precious four years was gone by 10 days before my court hearing and I had absolutelly no consultation with barrister until 40 mins before I was due in court which completely sidelined me so I stayed quiet in court and did not defend myself or the girls, he on the other hand was very animated and Lied his way through court part of which he was found out in court but the judge let him away with it. He got extra access to them and this has floored the girls my eldest who is 16 cries every time she has to go with him and I feel like I am bound by the court. I have always previously lied on their behalf to keep them from his abuse but now a judge tells me I can't or else I am breaching court order. Ii am at the end of my tether. I would love to bring perjury application against him as he has lied under oath on 5 occassions that I can prove with documentation but the courts are not interested which allows him to be right. He is a NARCISSIST that believes that whatever he says out loud is true because he says it and it never is it is always lies. I am so frustrated would welcome anybody else who has experienced the same. By the way this guy would not agree to a seperation for 5 years because he was financially secure and I was his ATM machine to allow him to pursue a career in Music while I worked my arse off to support the home and family. He ended up so angry that I wanted a seperation he progressed his verbal and emotional abuse to a a physically violent one and I had to get a barring order against him, it was at that point he applied for a divorce

Princess Calla

I know you're new and this is your second attempt at posting this but if you can edit your post to include paragraphs it would make life easier. I'm only saying this as many posters refuse to read walls of text.

Were the children asked for their opinion? I thought over the age of 10/12 their views were considered.

Personally I wouldn't be forcing a 16 year old do what they don't want to. They are close to being adults they have a fair idea what is right for them.

Senature

Is it not very odd for access to be ordered for a 16 year old?

What happened all your legal representation whebn you got to court?

You may be stirring things up with your daughters more than you realise. If you let them express themselves but maintain a supportive but neutral stance they will have less issues with split loyalty etc.

If you are concerned for their well being enrol them in counselling eg jigsaw so they have an outlet and support in how they can deal with the situation better themselves. Build up their self-confidence, help them to identify and resolve issues etc.

Senature

It is difficult to understand your circumstances, you say you believe he is an abuser but allowed him generous access terms. You say he didn't take up this generous access but now has been granted more which has floored you and your daughters. But if he's not going to take up the access it shouldn't really matter?

protectmyteensfrommypartner

Thanks for your help in navigating this forum.

Yes the girls were asked for their opinion but unfortunately they take after me and don't like confrontation so they say what they think the person wants to hear.

My 16 year old who cries every weds morning when she has to go with him is starting to experience seperation issues which she never did before, she is nearly in tears when she has to go every second weekend with him she phones me constantly when with him telling me she wishes I was with her and she was with me.

Just to be clear I have never put emotional pressure on either of them to not see their father.

I am just hurt for the and frustrated and wanting some advice. Everyday I give out to myself for choosing him to be their father.

Senature

I just wonder if a lot of it is fall out from the legal process etc.

While is seems right and fair to ask kids what they want or need, it puts them under massive pressure as they know one or both parents are likely to be devastated by their response.

Your daughter might feel like she needs to show you she is upset being with her Dad, she may even do something along the same lines with him when she is with you.

I have a little experience of this with my partner's children, they can get very mixed up if it all gets into their head. That's why I suggested the counselling for them. Sounds like they have been through a lot anyway so a bit of support couldn't hurt.

protectmyteensfrommypartner

Senature - I didn't say he was abusive to his daughters - I said he was a bully and wants everything his own way constantly preventing them from doing what they want to do when in his company.

He didn't take advantage of his as you say "generous access" before getting to court but now that he knows everyone is looking he insists upon it to the detriment of my childrens needs.

As for your comment on the oddness of the 16 year old made go with her father that is what happened on the day.

My legal representation on the day my original solicitor was promoted to judge my legal secretary had resigned and my barrister was not with the company any more all of which I was told 10 days before going to court. I had no counsel with anyone until 40 mins before I walked into court. Please don't retort with you should have sacked them, I would have but I was only half way to paying them and they would not handed my file over to anyone else while payment was outstanding.

In relation to counselling I need consent from their father to send them to counselling which he will not give.

"I have always previously lied on their behalf to keep them from his abuse but now a judge tells me I can't or else I am breaching court order. "

You want to bring charges of perjury against him, yet admit to lying to keep his children away from him yourself? You're in a glasshouse - don't throw stones.

Senature - I didn't say he was abusive to his daughters - I said he was a bully and wants everything his own way constantly preventing them from doing what they want to do when in his company.

He is their parent, he has a right to a say in what they do when they are spending time with him.

You are bound by the court order and it is a breach to deny access. It sounds like the Judge marked your cards on that point, so I think you're just going to have to sit down and explain to your 16 year old that this is the position you are in, and she is going to have to accept this is how it is.

Crying and wailing and calling you all the time when with him won't change anything - its outside of your control. Shes sixteen, not a kid, so should be well able to understand that.

Shield

Mod note: Original thread posted in Feedback and subsequently deleted at OP’s request after being directed to post here by Spear.

nedkelly123

*were not where

feelings

 protectmyteensfrommypartner

As a man reading your post, you come across very angry (in my opinion)

You appear to give out that "he always declare ownership of them" - yet in your posts you have said "to the detriment of my childrens needs", "my eldest" etc.

"all of the access that I have previously given" - who gives you the right to determine what access their father gets? From reading your posts, it wasn't court ordered up to recently.

"I have always previously lied on their behalf to keep them from his abuse" + "his verbal and emotional abuse to a a physically violent one" - you stated you never claimed he was abusive thought?? Was he abusive or not? Are you saying he was only abusive to you and never to your children?

"He is a NARCISSIST " - are you a psychologist or was he diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder? I am sure he could say similar about you (I'm not saying you are, but you get my point)

From a practical point of view and in relation to children - was a section 32 (voice of the child) or section 47 report done? If not, request one or other be done asap if you feel your children need it. Warning they are now cheap... costing thousands.

Could the problem here possibly be that the op has some sort of anxiety issue going on and that this is catastrophising and distorting everything for her, including coming to peace with the post-marriage life?

For years I thought anxiety was merely a synonym for worry. It's nothing of the sort. It's a deeply destructive force, and perhaps in this case, as in so many other cases of marital breakdown, what is being claimed as "being in the children's interest" is, in reality, designed to fill the bottomless pit of anxiety which the outraged (fearful) parent has because they are... losing control?

Seems there is a big issue here about people being honest in this family. Lying to kids never ends well, even with 5 year olds, never mind 16 year olds. They know what's going on.

Maybe if you gave him a blast of your feelings things might be different.

Steviesol

I cannot read that wall of text, any chance you can edit it with paragraphs. Thanks