Relationship advice re finances and returning to work

Anthony M

Hi all, Im really struggling here. I have a child and am in a tough situation.

So at Christmas, I quit my job as I couldn't cope with the high stress at work and coming home to my partner snapping at me if I was late. I use to work around 46-48 hours a week and manage the money in terms of bills, mortgage, etc. Being in hospital the year before due to the stress at work, I didnt want this to happen again. My partner found a job before I quit to ensure we would be ok for the period it took me to find a job. When I said I was looking at jobs, my partner said that it was her time to work and I always get my way and bust out crying so that was that.

Since then, she was bringing in around 300 euro a week and working around 27 hours a week. I got my tax back, had about 6 weeks holiday pay from quitting and went on the dole. I brought a car as ours failed, paid the bills a heard of time and cleared the loans a couple of months a heard.

As everything has gone up and our income is around 600 euro a week including my welfare, our loans were going into areas again. I worked up a budget plan with all the yearly bills and worked out how much we would need to put away to cover those bills in the future. I had to do this as my partner was spending money on her self and a lot. She got her nails done, going to two pole classes in the evening twice a week, spend 450 euro on her birthday and so on. I have pretty much been putting all my money in bills to cover her spending.

It took me about 3 weeks to finally get though to her of how much out bills were. I sat down with her and went though all our out goings and we decided that we subtract all our bills from the sum of our wages and whats left over is what we keep. medical bills, food and our child is all counted as bills etc.

Since then, we both have 30 euro each for ourself a week and I put the expected bills in the credit union or in my bank account if the bills coming out that week.

Since then, anything to do with money is been an argument. She is so cold to me and every time she comes home she is just nasty in general. I have tried to work with her and try to make decisions as a couple but its just hard. Im really worried about going back to work as i think she will blame me for it as she will have to quit even though my welfare is only for the next 3 months and after that we wont have enough to cover the bills.

I will look for work as I need to as im not having my son go though what I did when I was younger. I want to build a future for him as he's everything to me and his happiness is all I want.

I really dont know what to do. She is going to counseling and it only seems to make things worse. The last thing I want to do is leave as I dont know what will happen with my son. He's 3 at the moment and I couldn't imagination what it would do to him. I can try to talk with her but dont think that will help. Im lost but if it would be better to stay I will. Any addvice would be good. Thanks

Hannibal_Smith

It sounds like things have been pretty tough between yourself and your wife for a while? She shouldn't be snapping at you and she shouldn't have you afraid to go back to work. Have you looked up child minding costs to facilitate both of you going back to work?

CrookedJack

Firstly can I say this must be a very difficult situation, I can see it's stressing you and you are at your wits end. It's good that you reached out, and hopefully you have someone in your life you can go to with these concerns.

As for your actual problem, well I'm not sure its a financial one. I don't understand why it's your role alone to worry about money, and why you're allowing her not to be part of the solution.

Why can't you sit her down and say "In three months time this will be out income, this will be out out-goings, how do we manage it?" She's not a child, she'll know that either she needs to earn more, you need to earn more, or you both need to spend way less. Ask her her plan? Let her cry, or snap, or what ever, then calmly ask her for her plan again. Because at the end of the day a solution is needed and she either needs to let you unilaterally provide it, or contribute to it herself.

I would say, definitely do not leave, or talk about leaving, or threaten to leave. that's a decision which cannot be made lightly and should not be forced by circumstance if you can at all help it. Most evidence points to children from poor families with two parents having more positive development than from wealthier families where there the marriage has broken down, all things being equal.

YellowLead

I know we are only hearing your side of the story, but she sounds like a bully. Were things ever really good between you? Or did this only start after child was born?

It sounds like she feels that the money she earns is for her to spend on herself, and your income/welfare is for bills.

Having a child costs money and usually disposable income is greatly reduced - your partner doesn’t seem to get this.

Another poster suggested you look into childcare costs which would allow the two of you to work. Alternatively, if your child is three perhaps they will be going to school in a year, it sounds like your partner only works part time as it is so this might suit her.

Hopefully she will come around. But I wouldn’t discount the idea of looking at breaking up if things don’t resolve - child is only three now so it will be easier than doing it when he is older, he could get used to moving between two households.

Dial Hard

Your wife needs a serious wake-up call. I have no idea how she expects a family of three to live on one part-time wage.

Her basically not allowing you to work by saying it's "her time" to work is very weird and quite controlling. Why can't you both work? What has she got against you going back to work??? As others have said, I think there's more than just financials at issue here OP.

Jequ0n

Sorry OP, I interpreted your partner’s interjection to you seeking employment in a positive way. If you were on sick leave multiple times because of stress related issues she is absolutely right to make you reconsider. If you didn’t address your issues you will crash again soon.

It sounds like she has never been in the position of being “the earner” and she needs to learn this asap. I don’t know if there are services available for this type of situation?

Why do you believe your wife has to quit working, when you go back to work?

Can you not arrange childcare? Childcare for approx 27 hours a week would still leave a net profit from what she is bringing in, and she might be enjoying work for her own self esteem.

It sounds like your wife supported you when you decided to leave a full time job, - maybe now you should return the favour and try and support her to stay in her part time job, if that is what she wants.

As for the nails and pole dancing classes. Everyone deserves to have something to show for their week's work. Nails is maybe what, twice a month? Don't begrudge her that.

To be honest, you sound like you are being extremely controlling about money. Why is money for bills going into your bank account and not into a joint account?

I also wouldn't be making threats to leave. Though if you did, and she continued working part time, she would become entitled to financial support from DSP as a one parent family that would boost her part time earnings to close what you have coming in as a family now. You might want to think about that.

Also, why are you on the dole if the reason for you being unable to work was health related? You could have claimed illness benefit for up to two years.

Caranica

If you were working close to 50 hours a week, why is your wife only working 27? Her net isn't much more than social welfare so surely there must be a big discrepancy between what you can earn and what your wife does. Is that by choice?

You have a child, you need to work out together how to maximise your income.

Anthony M

Thanks everyone for the replies

So just to dig back a bit further. When I was working, we could only afford one car on the road as I was earning 600 euro a week. When my partner wanted the car, she would drive me to work in the morning and pick me up afterwards. We live in a rural area with the shops about 8km away. While I was working, I covered all the bills from my account and she had my card when she was out. A joint account would make my life more easier so I will do that for the bills/savings. We currently pay around 500 euro a week at present on bills so then it was Ok but now it is very tight. I have even tried to start a side gig but at the moment all profits are going back into the business until I can take 100 euro a week from it for us. This will probably be about another 4-5 months I say.

From speaking to her, we went through exactly what we would need to earn and it works out around 650 euro to break even including another car on the road and fuel to get to work. I am going to talk to mabs to get any help I can regarding this. My wife feels I have brought up money too much and I have spoken about money but im scared we are not going to have enough. Maybe im going about it wrong. She gets upset that she isnt bringing in enough with even if I was still working till now we would be in the same boat.

We decided yesterday I will have to go back to work and we will aim to get another car on the road as a priority before August. She will work as many days as she can and we will need to figure out who is going to look after our son after creche and before I get back from work.

The spending was a weekly thing since she was working and I was putting all my money into bills a week. I did a budget plan with all the yearly bills and our spending on fuel/shopping and whats left over is divided by half and spit between us. It was the fairest way I could do is as she was spending about 100 euro a week on her self. This has reduced as she has to mind her own money. My plan is to sit down every week to work out our allowances so we can work together to budget.

She wants to sell the place and move into town and when we go though her plan, it means we are in even more debt and with less than we have at the moment. It really feels like she is blaming me for the situation and I cant help it. She keeps changing her mind about the place and I need to know what out plan for the future is so we can focus on it. Maybe im jumping the gun. I dont know. I can t make her happy without risking our family's future.

I do have a friend which I have talked to and she has really helped me as she has seen what is happening.

By the way, this only got bad since she had our son. I Know our financial state is bad but wonder if it would be this. I think she resented the fact I carried on going to work and she was at home rural. We had our son by accident but Love him to bits and dont wish for anything else.

If there is anything you see im doing or approaching wrong, let me know.

YellowLead

Have you looked into getting a childminder instead of using a crèche? Usually more affordable and flexible.

Xidu

600 euro/wk, no offense but I feel the best is you both need to work. Child mind will get less n less when kid is getting bigger. But if you don’t work you don’t gain experience and reputation. Go get a job and bring in 1200-1300/wk. budget a child kind.

its not just money, also good for both adults mental health.

go do it! Find a job!

miamee

@Anthony M I think what you are doing regarding money is a great idea to keep on top of bills and expenses. If you did it your partner's way, ye would be up the creek without a paddle when a bill came in because it might have been spent already. You probably do need to look into both working but if you can manage on one car for the moment, do. Another car is a very big expense and it sounds like things are tight enough as they are. Your girlfriend might be very worried about money when you bring it up and doesn't want to think about it but ignoring it won't make things any better, you are doing the right thing in keeping on top of it in my opinion. If you can keep up your side business even while working, do that too.

Anthony M

Thanks. I will definitely find a job so will start applying now for them and phone around. I didn't even think of getting a child minder so will look into that now. Hopefully can find someone around me. The side businesses will grow and is doing well but needs more time to increase sales. Thanks everyone for your feed back. It has really helped and I think I have a plan. I will also talk to mabs to see if they have any tools to reduce spending.

Really appreciate it.

A couple of things jump out at me from your first, and now your later posts.

So at Christmas, I quit my job as I couldn't cope with the high stress at work and coming home to my partner snapping at me if I was late. I use to work around 46-48 hours a week and manage the money in terms of bills, mortgage, etc. Being in hospital the year before due to the stress at work, I didnt want this to happen again. My partner found a job before I quit to ensure we would be ok for the period it took me to find a job. When I said I was looking at jobs, my partner said that it was her time to work and I always get my way and bust out crying so that was that

Now that you mention that things have gotten worse since your son was born, and that you live rural, then I'd say your wife has also been suffering from a decline in her mental health due to stress. Snapping at you for coming home late, and recently bursting into tears when you suggest she give up work (because you want to go back to work) - There is probably a nicer way to say this, but I think that while focusing on dealing with your own stress, you have overlooked what has been going on with your wife's mental health.

Yes, being alone for long days in a rural setting with a very young child is a very difficult lifestyle that does not suit everyone. Then having an ill partner who gives up work and having to deal with money issues all piled on top .... Think about all that for a minute.

How to improve things? Well, your wife giving up work again will not solve your problems. Either financial of healthwise. Is a second car an absolute necessity? Depending on what you find could one of you commute on an electric bike? After the initial cost (and some of it would be covered by the bike to work scheme) you'd have no extra insurance or fuel costs, and they travel a decent distance.

A childminder in their own home as opposed to a creche is usually cheaper and your son will also be eligible for ECCE in September, if not already eligible. There are also subsidies for childcare available. Have you looked into all your social welfare entitlements? If you haven't been job seeking you shouldn't have been on a jobseekers payment (dole) - Illness benefit would have been of more value to you. But what's done is done. There is more information on financial assistance here on: Returning To Work

Another thing you mentioned was your wife said you bring up money too much. And while I understand this may be out of your own anxiety over the subject - I think you need to reduce the "weekly" budget discussions to monthly ones.

Continue to mind your own mental health, but be conscious of the signs of a decline in your wife's mental health as well.

Good luck with the job search.

anndub

Why are you insistent that she resigns from her job so you can work? I suspect if it were her writing the post it would read along the lines of "partner refuses to support me in maintaining my independence by working outside the home and expects me to just stay at home with our child even though it makes me really unhappy".

The vast majority of households in Ireland have two adults in employment, often one full-time and one part time once children come along. There are multiple schemes available to subsidise the cost of childcare for lower income families. I'm not clear why you aren't going down that route instead of a head to head of whose turn it is to have a job

Big Bag of Chips

If your arrangement has always been that one works and one stays at home, I can see why both of you working wasn't really a consideration. For years either I or my husband stayed home. Depending on who was the higher earner at the time.

5 years ago I went back to work party time and we organised part time childcare. I was happy being a stay at home parent all those years, but I now love working and I would not give up my job. At the moment I work full time, my husband part time.

Look into childcare options. With both of you working, her part time, it should be manageable.

OP do you feel ready to go back to work or is it purely financial pressures that are making you look at returning?

Hopefully you have sought help and learned some stress management techniques since leaving your last job?

This may also be a concern in the back of your wife's mind, but she probably doesn't want to ask what happens if you get sick again and she has given up her job.

I know you can't give any guarantees, but if I were her, it would be a genuine concern.

Caranica

OP you still haven't said why your wife is effectively working part time and how anyone could ever have imagined a household with a child on that kind of income. If your wife wants to work and you to stay at home she needs a full time job that pays enough to facilitate that.

My partner found a job before I quit to ensure we would be ok for the period it took me to find a job.

OP, may i ask, what was the long term plan when you gave up your job at Christmas?

Was it that you would look for alternative (less stressful) employment in the new year, or be the stay at home parent for a while, or try and get this side-gig you mentioned up and running?

(BTW, I still don't understand why you signed on the dole instead of going out sick).

Anthony M

So when I said to my partner I was handing in my notice, My partner working was suppose to be a temporary thing until I go back to work. I have spoken to my partner and have gone though everything and she is still going to work and im going to also look for a job. In regards to our son, as my partner will work 2 days while our son is in child care, our neighbour is going to pick him up and look after him until I return home. My partner is more happy about this and crunching the numbers with everything that has gone up, we both have to work.

I think having a good talk, we are now aiming for the same things now and she is happier and I am too. In terms of finance, she is seeing that all the bill money I have taken has been building up and we have paid insurance early and electric bill. We do have oil that will need to be paid but we are also learning to cut down on what we use and work together. I think to be honest, she was seeing I was taking money for the bills and she thought I was holding onto it or something. I think my next goal is to open a joint account for bills as it just makes my life easier and makes things simpler.

Thanks everyone for their help and all the advice. It has really helped.

It sounds like you're moving forward in a more positive direction. Good luck, OP.