Husband's Loyalty to Thrifty Relatives

lafemmequirit

My husband is a very polite guy. Too polite. We're both busy professionals with full time jobs. I suppose you could say we're both a little guilty of people pleasing behaviour too around family members, but we get by as a nice couple who try not to offend anyone. Lately, some rows have broken out between us. The problem is that lately some of his distant relations are visiting Ireland and I'm a little skeptical of them. They don't pay for anything, ever. I spent a day out with one of them and I ended up spending a lot of money on them, so I had an inkling from that and from conversations with them that, well, that they were kinda 'careful' with money💲. That's fine, my husband is really generous and never allows anyone to pay for anything- we can afford it. Thing is, they're meant to be very well off themselves. When I carefully pointed this out to my husband, he got pretty offended and said that they were only visiting for a short while. Recently one of the visiting relations asked if we could go out to dinner, I suspect, expecting us to treat them (again). I said we would invite them up to our house for a nice meal and they didn't even have the courtesy to return to us with a yes or no, leaving my husband unsure as to whether he would be cooking for them or not. They wanted another expensive dinner in a nice restaurant I suppose, and the home cooked meal was not good enough to even warrant a reply to the invite. I don't want to come across as stingy, but I work hard for the money I earn and I'm also protective of my innocent husband 🙄 who seems intent on defending these thrifty relatives to the death. How do I avoid the rows coming between us?

homer911

The absence of a reply from them says everything, leverage that with your husband

CrookedJack

I suspect that it's not really the money that's at issue here, rather that you are resentful at their treatment of your husband, and to a lesser extent to yourself. That's perfectly natural.

However it's not really fair to resent them if you and your husband are not setting boundaries and really that is what is missing here. People will treat you how you teach them you want to be treated - if your husband has been paying for everything, it's logical that they would think that was what he wanted. Also most other cultures don't do the usual Irish thing of fighting to appear like you want to pay a bill.

Obviously your husband is ok with where his boundaries are, have you been able to properly articulate what your problems are with where he sets them. Do you fully understand yourself? I'm not sure you do as you comment on haw much you have to pay, but also that you are very generous people and can afford to pay.

I would recommend that you search your feelings on this a bit more and try to pin down what's actually bothering you about it, and then explain that to your husband - it would be much harder for him to disagree with.

Big Bag of Chips

Your issue is with your husband. If they are his relatives, and if he decides he wants to pay for them when they visit, then that is his choice.

If you want to avoid rows with him, then just don't argue. You say he wants to do it, and can afford to. So don't argue about it. As an adult man your husband is entitled to make his decision. Even if you don't agree with it.

Purgative

What BBOC says is well said and pretty much sums up the situation.

However in a similar situation to this "Recently one of the visiting relations asked if we could go out to dinner," - I couldn't help myself replying "That's really very kind of you. What sort of thing do you like to eat? How many for, and what sort of price range?"

It’s a temporary situation OP so do keep things in context- it will pass- don’t let it over trouble you.

There’s a few “tricks” you might do here:

1. when they suggest going out to dinner, thank them for the very kind offer and that you’d be delighted 😂
2. If youre out for the day, I imagine you’re planning this in advance- so what are you spending money on? If it’s admission to tourist sites give them the links and tell them to book using their credit card
3. Be equally slow in producing your wallet at the end of the meal - thank them for the meal in advance of them paying as the bill arrives- offer to pay the tip 😂

really if you’re hauling them around in your car for a day which sounds like you are, you need to assert yourself and give direction and this includes calling out costs - if it’s a one off, then you’re reliant on them behaving appropriately in terms of money but if they don’t and this becomes regular, then you just need to assert yourself.

You may find that they stop asking you to take them out once you start mentioning costs- so be it

In contrast I have relations that come to Ireland every few years- they’re retired and don’t have much money- I jump at the chance to cook for them and take them out for a nice meal and drive them around- even though they offer to pay I’d never think of taking money from them but sometimes if we’re visiting say a tourist site, they would insist on paying the admission for all - and I let them pay this small sum as it’s the polite thing to do here and makes them feel better.

looksee

I think PoT has a good point here, about allowing other people to pay. I have very good, long term friends and occasionally go out for lunch with them. The husband always pays, going to some lengths to make sure that he pays. I have tried on a few occasions to get there before him but it never works, partly because I cannot make a fuss about insisting. If he has done it then I just thank him and get on with life. It would be nice to feel that I could be the one to treat sometimes though, especially when we are on my 'home territory'. I am not sure whether he thinks I can't afford to pay (at one time this might have been the case to some extent, but not now) or whether he just has to be the host.

I think its the latter, and I suspect the OP's husband may have the same 'problem'.

Furze99

Get the impression these are relatives are coming from overseas? Maybe that's their culture there. And when you go to visit them, they will assume they pay for you likewise as visitors?

sameoldname

Next time they fail to pay for something, lean over to them and whisper as earnestly as possible in their ear; "Forgive me, but I couldn't help but notice that you guys appear to have fallen on hard times. Is there anything at all we can do to help?"

Their response will tell you everything about them.

*I'm not actually suggesting you do this in reality but still, I'd love to be there to see the response!

Xidu

Haha if people ask me to go out for dinner, I would expect they are treating me or at least split the bill.

isn’t it common sense? Whoever initiates the suggestion whoever pays.

so OP could text back say thank you for your treat. :-)

don’t be tooooo shy to say something in a funny way but basically set up the boundaries and expectations.

HildaOgdenx

How do I avoid the rows coming between us?

Leave it, don't bring the subject up again. Have a look for the stingy thread in After Hours, there are some humdingers on it. Some people are naturally generous, others are stingy. If you were to visit them, perhaps they would show their generosity - or perhaps not.

As they are his relatives, and hopefully only staying for a short while, only you can decide if it's a hill you are prepared to die on.

In the longer term, maybe have a think about people pleasing tendencies if they are coming at a cost, and I don't mean money. Most of us try to get along well with others, family, colleagues and so on. But there are times when we need to say what we think, or take an action that won't necessarily please everyone. That's life.

bucketybuck

If the relatives are stingy **** then you aren't going to shame them. It takes brass balls to let other people pay for everything, a few snarky comments aren't going to change them now, and if they will be gone soon then whats the point in trying. Just avoid situations where you will be left paying the bills.

I do wonder if your husband is one of those frustrating Irish people who have to be seen to be paying for everything though? I have a brother-in-law like that, great guy but I can't pay for anything without him reaching over trying to shove money at the server doing the "sure I'll get it" routine. Its a **** pain in the hole. So desperate to be seen to be a good host that he can't see how annoying it is.

Recently one of the visiting relations asked if we could go out to dinner, I suspect, expecting us to treat them (again). I said we would invite them up to our house for a nice meal and they didn't even have the courtesy to return to us with a yes or no, leaving my husband unsure as to whether he would be cooking for them or not.

Are you absolutely sure they expected you / your husband to pay on this occasion?

I was always of the impression that whomever issues the invite, pays the bill, and it seems like they might have been issuing the invitation here?

Just a thought....

Having said that, I would sit your hubby down (maybe in a restaurant!) and explain to him in calm terms how you feel like you/he paying for everything for his relatives makes you feel like you/he are being taken for granted, maybe even that his relatives are taking advantage.

Make you point, let that sink in with him, then leave it But don't argue further about it.

Liberty_Bear

I would reply to them with "we are saving for a few things but let me know where you want to bring us."

lafemmequirit

Thanks to everyone for your really helpful comments. I read them all with great interest. I should have mentioned- we just had a very happy life event which cost us a bunch of money so, whilst we have plenty of disposable income usually- I think my annoyance is really aimed at my husband being, as buckety buck said,🤣 'a pain in the hole'. He shouldn't be so flash with the cash when we should be saving. And, hey, those guys should know better. They didn't ever come to dinner btw. They responded one week later with a 'maybe some other time'. Thanks again everyone.😉

Roxxers

get a divorce